OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS NOT NECESSARILY OFF BASE

[janbear]

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
OVERPROTECTIVE PARENTS NOT NECESSARILY OFF BASE

QUESTION: I have a friend who guards her kids as if they were in
mortal danger. I feel like she should let them spread their wings a
little, even though they're only 9 and 11 years of age. Who do you
think is right?

DR. DOBSON: Two decades ago I would have suggested that she give them
space, because overprotection of children creates some characteristic
problems. Today, however, I have to agree with your friend. The
environment in which kids are being raised has changed dramatically in
recent years. Unspeakable dangers haunt our schools and streets that
were almost unheard of a generation ago. Yesterday's families didn't
worry much about drive-by shootings, illegal drugs, sexual molesters
and kidnappers.

When I was a kid in the early 1950s, my folks were more concerned
about a disease called polio than all sources of violence combined. As
a 10-year-old, I moved freely around my hometown. If I was a half-hour
late coming home for dinner, the Dobson household was not seized by
panic. But now we worry about our kids playing in the front yard.
Indeed, little Polly Klaas was abducted in 1993 from her bedroom, and
then was brutally murdered for the perverse pleasure of her killer.
When that horrible news broke, a collective shudder was felt by every
loving parent in the nation. Three years later, beautiful little
6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey was sexually assaulted and beaten to death
in the basement of her own home on Christmas night, 1996.

In the years since, tens of thousands of other children have been
murdered and abducted. During my term of service on the Attorney
General's Board on Missing and Exploited Children, I was dismayed by
what I saw happening to innocent boys and girls.

There was a time when the culture interceded on behalf of kids to
protect them from anything harmful or immoral. Movies were censored,
music was monitored and young couples were chaperoned. But this
current generation is exposed to every kind of evil and violence. Some
boys and girls live in a combat zone. More American children are shot
per year than are police officers!

Parents in some inner-city neighborhoods make their kids sleep in
bathtubs to protect them from stray bullets crashing through the
walls. Some mothers keep short leashes on their little ones when
walking through malls to protect them from potential molesters.
Instruction is given to wide-eyed preschoolers on how to scream when
approached by a stranger, and how to report unwelcome touches. Many
children spend their after-school hours behind bolted doors and barred
windows.

How can parents protect their precious children? By watching them
every moment! Never leave them in the care of those whom you don't
know personally and aren't sure you can trust. Do not let teenage boys
baby-sit your girls. I know that is a controversial recommendation,
but I've seen too many tragic cases of abuse resulting from masculine
adolescence and the sexual curiosity that is typical of that age. Walk
your kids to and from school or the school bus. Pick them up on time.
Watch for any unusual behavior that may signal sexual abuse or
molestation from neighbors or child care workers. Protect them at
every turn.

Does that sound unnecessarily cautious? Just remember this: The
average pedophile abuses 150 children in the course of a lifetime.
Each sexual exploitation lasts for seven years, typically, before the
truth comes to light. Boys and girls are often too intimidated to call
for help. Don't give a child abuser a shot at your kids.



Dr. Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit
organization Focus on the Family

[flickchic]

Public toilets have always been a personal concern of mine and since having children has become an even larger concern....particulalry when the boys became old enough to use the male toilets alone....I take note of the time, w/out fail everytime they leave me to go in there....and believe u me if I felt it had been longer than norm and they didn't respond I'd not hesitated to enter!!!!......very recently in the suburbs where all of my children live and go to school a young primary school girl was abducted, beaten and raped beyond........sadly her high school aged brother was the first to find her....in the male toilets of a shopping centre self and friends and families have used, she was dead. The person who did this was a local and worked at one of the supermarkets in the centre. So......I will be standing guard even closer now!!!!!....tough on the males...sorry!!.....

I have always been very cautious with my kids, not letting them walk to school b4 a certain age and when they did it was with a group, along streets where "safety houses" where located..the same with the local park.....even now I attend with them. I do believe at some stage we have to let the children have their space and a sense of freedom, however it does come with restrictions....times, movements, mobile phone contactm phone calls at whatever hours for collection from movies, friends etc at night.....my eldest daughter took to roaming at night(at 15) and more than once her dad and I ended up listing her as missing with CIB as she was gone longer than 12 hours....once for nearly a week.....I came very close to having a breakdown.....it is not something I ever want to experience ever again and pray for any parent that goes through it.....it was the scariest time of my life. I try not to be overprotective to smother the children BUT!!!!!! sad isn't it that we have to be the way we do today.

[janbear]

my step-daughter came into my life when she 8 and i was very protective of her around everyone.

[flickchic]

I'd like to add that something I have always made an effort to instill in the children is "privacy" and "personal space".....appropriate affections also.....having been a victim of c/hood sexual abuse and rape I know the reality of those we think we can trust being our perpetrators. I recal early days of parenting thinking how sad it is to have to teach the children those things, particularly within the home, family environments....but....I still re-iterate every so often if "anybody" ever touches you in a way that is not comfortable or trys to invade your privacy then "do not be scared to tell me". All the primary schools frequently have programmes and plays on stranger danger too, so I believe the children are fairly well educated in that regard. Blake I have concerns for as I am aware that children with 'special needs' are more frequently targeted so that too is an awareness we all have.....not that he is likely to ever be alone even in the school toilets for some time to come.......he is still weary pull-up nappies "his pants" .......and has an aid with him at all times....even at play time. Teaching him to say "NO"....."go away" even when his own siblings are in his space was something I worked on with him very early.....and he certainly vocalises it well!!!!.......sometimes a little too well.....gets very cross if they even sit near him sometimes....however I feel it better than him not knowing. Again I feel it's really sad that we have to parent this way.....personal space is fine, however having thoughts of abuse when teaching of this space to children is a shocking reality. I guess the positive to this however is having the awareness from experience to teach the children

[fibiray]

Felicity I remember that story in the news of that young girl that was found in the public toilet, it was horrible and I remember praying for her parents I can't imagine what they went through. I have always been an overprotective mother but I think a lot of that stems from my own issues. I was 13yrs old drinking in a pub and exposed to a lot of risks. Ironically enough this was safer for me than being in my own home with my family as I was at risk of being killed there. When you are a kid you have limited options, and I guess if nothing else I had vowed to protect any child of mine from being exposed to those risks or ever growing up with an alcoholic parent. Every friday night I see kids my son's age roaming the streets drinking and smoking pot while my son is home watching dvd's or playing the xbox.
When I was his age I was already in full flight alcoholism. Since he is my only child I want to see him grow into an adult absent the trauma that such abuses bring and at least give him the chance of some sort of life. I can't guarantee that things will be perfect or that he will have a life of the perfect ideal, no life will ever be like that but I can at least give him the chance. When I was living on the south coast I lvied in public housing and it was hell. We had gangs of 10yr olds roaming the street at 2am, parents scoring drugs off the kids and there were no boundaries at all. We were like the addams family of the complex because our small son was inside at 5pm, having his bath and dinner and he wasn't allowed to go to the shops without an adult and he would not be left with just anyone. We moved out of there before he reached his teens as we didn't want the negative environment to influence him at this sensitive age. Sometimes you only have to look as close as your neighbourhood to see potential hazards and risk for children and most importantly of all communicate those risks to them so they know how to protect themselves. while playing. thats me

[flickchic]

Sometimes you only have to look as close as your neighbourhood to see potential hazards and risk for children and most importantly of all communicate those risks to them so they know how to protect themselves. while playing.

Sadly, Fi, you are quite correct here indeed re looking at the neighbourhood. I managed to get the children out of one school into another area as I do not want them attending the high school that would have followed where they were. I know we cannot remove all from their environment and I know that there would/will be decent families and children at the previous place and ongoing one of education, however having been actively involved as a parent at the schools and sporting environments etc., I have "seen" how different areas are. I try not to be judgemental, I just want the best I can offer my children in what I now view to be good for them......the less dysfunction around them the better.....and let's face it; there are particular areas/suburbs that are more influenced by drugs and alcohol than others....yes, you can look around at night at see that....by way of children/teenagers, roaming, dealing, drinking, b&e, assaults etc etc. I have lived in areas where public housing is of the majority and yes, sad to say it 'appears' there is generally more dysfunction in those communities than there 'appears' to be in others.

I can't guarantee that things will be perfect or that he will have a life of the perfect ideal, no life will ever be like that but I can at least give him the chance.