teenagers-can't live with them can't choke them - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

fibiray · 08-07-2006, 01:05 AM

My teenage son who is 16yrs is currently driving me nuts. Since moving into our new property in march I have stipulated that he cannot have food or glasses of drinks in his bedroom because he has new carpet in the room. My son at best can be a slob and for the most part let a lot of things slide. But this has been one issue that I have tried to establish since he was small. Now that he has a larger room with new carpet I let him have a bottle of water with the pop up top on it only in the room. He has a tendency to spill things or let things drop where they are. This simple rule has caused so much headache with him as he has consistantly insisted in taking glasses of drinks into his room. The last time I took his television off him which was the first time that I backed up my stand on the issue (much to his dislike). Nevertheless again he is taking drinks in his room. I hate getting angry over the issue but it is just that I get so frustrated with him. Basically he is a good kid who doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs and is focused on completing his education. They say alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful, well NEWSFLASH so are teenagers. How do I get this kid to listen to me. I have tried certain strategies to get his attention and to make him listen to what I am saying and they have in the past worked but when it comes to this issue it all seems to be futile. Any feedback would be appreciated.

flickchic · 08-07-2006, 05:36 AM

Oh Fi

I just walked in the door, booted up laptop, saw the thread heading and have been "cackling away" since!!!

What a beauty......I love it

sorry.....I will get a caffine and return to hoepfully pull something out of the parent thought box!!!

*admin* · 08-07-2006, 05:38 AM

fibiray, I finally just gave up. I figure once the kids leave we will redo the carpet throughout the house as well as paint the walls. We haven't done any of that since we bought this house new in 2000. I have so many teens over here at times. No matter how much you remind them they don't always do as you ask. I guess that is their independence showing through or maybe they are just being rebellious or maybe they just don't see things the same as us. What's important to us may not be as important to them. I'll probably also get new living room furniture once our kids are grown. Right now I am making do with what we have and just keep reminding them hoping for the best but am not going to let it consume me. Our living room carpet is in need of a good cleaning sometime soon. I figure we will do it once the parties are over. We have another party planned for August 19 and then one for September 2 and then none planned until probably New Year's Eve.

Keep hanging in there.

flickchic · 08-07-2006, 06:03 AM

I apologise for my humour Fi.....I do understand your issue with your son. My eldest boy, Jacob is 16, 17 in October and I had to laugh as he is being a right royal pain in the rear at the moment....which is a bit of a shock as he's generally a pretty considerate well behaved and focused lad. I was talking to his step mum about him earlier today, apparently his room is an absolute pigsty and he's been very short-tempered of late.

...my eldest daughter phoned last night to let me know they are concerned about him again and they had all figured I was the best one to talk to as he usually shows me a great deal of respect and has opened up to me in the past. I phoned him last night to try and catch up today, but was politely but bluntly given the 'brush off'...so yeah, your title was kinda fitting over this side of the country at the moment also!!!!

.......I rang his step mum after I posted the above response to share your post with her and she reckoned that you ought ot remove his new carpet and replace it with crappy stuff.....I suggested you totally remove it all together and perhaps bit by bit everything else in the room also...bit extreme....but!!!!.....your son sounds like he has his heels dug in....is tv really "his thing"?....and if so did he still have access outside of his room?...perhaps you'll need to begin removing more things that are of importance to him until he gets the message.....that what he is doing is NOT OK.....yeah, you're right....you can't strangle 'em.....so yeah what does one do????.....the only way I know of appropriately discipling teenagers is to remove their priviledges.......but sometimes that also makes them rebel harder.....so not too sure there. Not much use here, will have a look around and ask some questions.....have a couple of friends with grown sons...perhaps they can advise.

*admin* · 08-07-2006, 06:13 AM

I agree felicity with taking away the things that are most important to them. That seems to work best with my kids. Most of the time just threatening to take something away gets them to straighten up and do right or at least do as I ask.

flickchic · 08-07-2006, 07:55 AM

yes, Tammy I have found the same, with the younger ones anyhows...something that just occurred to me however....if a child is particularly stubborn.....well more so I guess a teenager, as they "do know better than us of course", just as we did with our parents I guess.....anyway I know with Katherine our eldest when her dad grounded her more and more for her behaviour and attitude she went behind his and then our backs to go out and that is when the night time escapees began and eventually she'd dissappear for days. Very obstinate at the time.....so what I was wondering if perhaps sometimes positive rewarding in the first instance for doing as asked may be a better option......it does seem to work well with Blake that way, and he is a very stubborn boy at times....he has time out in his room for 'off behaviour'.....however if it's something like not eating any dinner then asking for icecream, I tell him he can only have it if he eats some dinner first....he refuses....so I tell him I'll put his dinner on the bench, but ...he will not get any icecream until he eats his dinner....so I am not saying he can't have, or taking the good thing away....just saying I want him to do it a better way...if that makes sense....so in a sense I am using a 'reward' for getting him to do what I feel is best. not sure what you'd like to use for a male teenager, however I am sure there are plenty of choices..."if you cease taking drinks into your room on the new carpet, then we can/ you can........"...not sure...just a thought. BTW as a 15 year old I also became very obstinant and the more my parents tried to enforce rules and regs the more I balked the system too...to the point that I left home permanently before I turned 16, I ran away 500kms away!....not saying that is what will happen, just remembered how "pig headed" I was when I got to that age.

*admin* · 08-07-2006, 08:46 AM

Taking things away, the reward system, just letting it go. I guess it depends on the situation what you would do. Parenting can be a tricky business at times.

Like this weekend for instance, our middle daughter wanted to go over to her boyfriend's house - he had invited her to come over because he is grounded from coming over here at the moment because when he came over here last time he was 10 minutes late getting home. His parents wanted him home by midnight and he got home at 12:10 so they grounded him. So hubby and I decided that since he was grounded because he was not home on time to not let out daughter go to his house this past weekend. Hubby said that if we let her go then her boyfriend's grounding wouldn't mean as much to him because he would still get to see his girlfriend. His parents have such a difficult time getting him to obey the simplest of their rules and requests. So our decision was to not let her go so the grounding will hopefully be more effective causing him to be more respectful next time of his parents wishes. Whew! LOL

flickchic · 08-07-2006, 09:02 AM

well done in supporting his parents decision and actions!!

fibiray · 08-07-2006, 09:23 AM

There have been some good points made here and I thank you all for the feedback. I guess the reality is that whether my son takes glasses into his room or not I will still probably have to have the carpets cleaned anyway. It is just that the carpet was only laid by the owner just before we moved in. Another point that I was thinking about is that despite how frustrating it is to get my son to stick to this simple rule, it could be far worse. As I have said he is not a kid that drinks smokes or takes drugs or into the party scene. He is very obstinate and stubborn but I have seen this as an asset in him also because a local kid who lives around the corner wanted to take him to a party where there was a lot of drinking and pot smoking and my son turned around and said "No!" telling this boy that he thought he was a lot more smarter than him for not doing this. I was really rpoud of how he handled this situation and he is his own person. I at times look at my son in awe as I remember what I was like when I was his age and I was a full blown practising alcoholic back then running the street with a bad crowd. So when I think about this the drinks in the bedroom issue seems really small. It still doesn't mean that it is not frustrating though. Maybe I need to humble myself enough to simply accept him the way he is and I think of the just for today card which I have over my computer desk. "Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires." thats me thanks again

*admin* · 08-07-2006, 02:08 PM

me, too fibirary. So far none of our girls drink or smoke or do drugs. I am grateful for that. By the time I was my oldest daughter's age - 17, I was smoking cigs and drinking - I smoked pot once in a while but I was into heavy drinking when I drank which was usually every weekend. When I hit 18 and could buy my own beer, I drank everyday usually until I either blacked out or passed out. Then my mom got on me about my drinking and I quit for about 6 months but started back again by the time I was 19 and continued on that way for a very long time.

08-07-2006, 01:05 AM	#1
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	teenagers-can't live with them can't choke them My teenage son who is 16yrs is currently driving me nuts. Since moving into our new property in march I have stipulated that he cannot have food or glasses of drinks in his bedroom because he has new carpet in the room. My son at best can be a slob and for the most part let a lot of things slide. But this has been one issue that I have tried to establish since he was small. Now that he has a larger room with new carpet I let him have a bottle of water with the pop up top on it only in the room. He has a tendency to spill things or let things drop where they are. This simple rule has caused so much headache with him as he has consistantly insisted in taking glasses of drinks into his room. The last time I took his television off him which was the first time that I backed up my stand on the issue (much to his dislike). Nevertheless again he is taking drinks in his room. I hate getting angry over the issue but it is just that I get so frustrated with him. Basically he is a good kid who doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs and is focused on completing his education. They say alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful, well NEWSFLASH so are teenagers. How do I get this kid to listen to me. I have tried certain strategies to get his attention and to make him listen to what I am saying and they have in the past worked but when it comes to this issue it all seems to be futile. Any feedback would be appreciated.

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08-07-2006, 05:36 AM	#2
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	Oh Fi I just walked in the door, booted up laptop, saw the thread heading and have been "cackling away" since!!! What a beauty......I love it sorry.....I will get a caffine and return to hoepfully pull something out of the parent thought box!!!

08-07-2006, 05:38 AM	#3
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	fibiray, I finally just gave up. I figure once the kids leave we will redo the carpet throughout the house as well as paint the walls. We haven't done any of that since we bought this house new in 2000. I have so many teens over here at times. No matter how much you remind them they don't always do as you ask. I guess that is their independence showing through or maybe they are just being rebellious or maybe they just don't see things the same as us. What's important to us may not be as important to them. I'll probably also get new living room furniture once our kids are grown. Right now I am making do with what we have and just keep reminding them hoping for the best but am not going to let it consume me. Our living room carpet is in need of a good cleaning sometime soon. I figure we will do it once the parties are over. We have another party planned for August 19 and then one for September 2 and then none planned until probably New Year's Eve. Keep hanging in there.

08-07-2006, 06:03 AM	#4
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	I apologise for my humour Fi.....I do understand your issue with your son. My eldest boy, Jacob is 16, 17 in October and I had to laugh as he is being a right royal pain in the rear at the moment....which is a bit of a shock as he's generally a pretty considerate well behaved and focused lad. I was talking to his step mum about him earlier today, apparently his room is an absolute pigsty and he's been very short-tempered of late. ...my eldest daughter phoned last night to let me know they are concerned about him again and they had all figured I was the best one to talk to as he usually shows me a great deal of respect and has opened up to me in the past. I phoned him last night to try and catch up today, but was politely but bluntly given the 'brush off'...so yeah, your title was kinda fitting over this side of the country at the moment also!!!! .......I rang his step mum after I posted the above response to share your post with her and she reckoned that you ought ot remove his new carpet and replace it with crappy stuff.....I suggested you totally remove it all together and perhaps bit by bit everything else in the room also...bit extreme....but!!!!.....your son sounds like he has his heels dug in....is tv really "his thing"?....and if so did he still have access outside of his room?...perhaps you'll need to begin removing more things that are of importance to him until he gets the message.....that what he is doing is NOT OK.....yeah, you're right....you can't strangle 'em.....so yeah what does one do????.....the only way I know of appropriately discipling teenagers is to remove their priviledges.......but sometimes that also makes them rebel harder.....so not too sure there. Not much use here, will have a look around and ask some questions.....have a couple of friends with grown sons...perhaps they can advise.

08-07-2006, 06:13 AM	#5
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	I agree felicity with taking away the things that are most important to them. That seems to work best with my kids. Most of the time just threatening to take something away gets them to straighten up and do right or at least do as I ask.

08-07-2006, 07:55 AM	#6
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	yes, Tammy I have found the same, with the younger ones anyhows...something that just occurred to me however....if a child is particularly stubborn.....well more so I guess a teenager, as they "do know better than us of course", just as we did with our parents I guess.....anyway I know with Katherine our eldest when her dad grounded her more and more for her behaviour and attitude she went behind his and then our backs to go out and that is when the night time escapees began and eventually she'd dissappear for days. Very obstinate at the time.....so what I was wondering if perhaps sometimes positive rewarding in the first instance for doing as asked may be a better option......it does seem to work well with Blake that way, and he is a very stubborn boy at times....he has time out in his room for 'off behaviour'.....however if it's something like not eating any dinner then asking for icecream, I tell him he can only have it if he eats some dinner first....he refuses....so I tell him I'll put his dinner on the bench, but ...he will not get any icecream until he eats his dinner....so I am not saying he can't have, or taking the good thing away....just saying I want him to do it a better way...if that makes sense....so in a sense I am using a 'reward' for getting him to do what I feel is best. not sure what you'd like to use for a male teenager, however I am sure there are plenty of choices..."if you cease taking drinks into your room on the new carpet, then we can/ you can........"...not sure...just a thought. BTW as a 15 year old I also became very obstinant and the more my parents tried to enforce rules and regs the more I balked the system too...to the point that I left home permanently before I turned 16, I ran away 500kms away!....not saying that is what will happen, just remembered how "pig headed" I was when I got to that age.

08-07-2006, 08:46 AM	#7
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	Taking things away, the reward system, just letting it go. I guess it depends on the situation what you would do. Parenting can be a tricky business at times. Like this weekend for instance, our middle daughter wanted to go over to her boyfriend's house - he had invited her to come over because he is grounded from coming over here at the moment because when he came over here last time he was 10 minutes late getting home. His parents wanted him home by midnight and he got home at 12:10 so they grounded him. So hubby and I decided that since he was grounded because he was not home on time to not let out daughter go to his house this past weekend. Hubby said that if we let her go then her boyfriend's grounding wouldn't mean as much to him because he would still get to see his girlfriend. His parents have such a difficult time getting him to obey the simplest of their rules and requests. So our decision was to not let her go so the grounding will hopefully be more effective causing him to be more respectful next time of his parents wishes. Whew! LOL

08-07-2006, 09:02 AM	#8
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	well done in supporting his parents decision and actions!!

08-07-2006, 09:23 AM	#9
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	There have been some good points made here and I thank you all for the feedback. I guess the reality is that whether my son takes glasses into his room or not I will still probably have to have the carpets cleaned anyway. It is just that the carpet was only laid by the owner just before we moved in. Another point that I was thinking about is that despite how frustrating it is to get my son to stick to this simple rule, it could be far worse. As I have said he is not a kid that drinks smokes or takes drugs or into the party scene. He is very obstinate and stubborn but I have seen this as an asset in him also because a local kid who lives around the corner wanted to take him to a party where there was a lot of drinking and pot smoking and my son turned around and said "No!" telling this boy that he thought he was a lot more smarter than him for not doing this. I was really rpoud of how he handled this situation and he is his own person. I at times look at my son in awe as I remember what I was like when I was his age and I was a full blown practising alcoholic back then running the street with a bad crowd. So when I think about this the drinks in the bedroom issue seems really small. It still doesn't mean that it is not frustrating though. Maybe I need to humble myself enough to simply accept him the way he is and I think of the just for today card which I have over my computer desk. "Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to my own desires." thats me thanks again

08-07-2006, 02:08 PM	#10
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	me, too fibirary. So far none of our girls drink or smoke or do drugs. I am grateful for that. By the time I was my oldest daughter's age - 17, I was smoking cigs and drinking - I smoked pot once in a while but I was into heavy drinking when I drank which was usually every weekend. When I hit 18 and could buy my own beer, I drank everyday usually until I either blacked out or passed out. Then my mom got on me about my drinking and I quit for about 6 months but started back again by the time I was 19 and continued on that way for a very long time.