The Silent Treatment

[clean42day]

The Silent Treatment

June 8, 2006

The Silent Treatment
Withholding

The most common form of withholding is what we commonly call "the silent treatment," but withholding encompasses any unwillingness to express your true feelings. It also includes an unwillingness to give support, praise, or positive attention to the people you love. We have all known someone who is impossible to please, and many of us have suddenly found ourselves at the other end of a chilly silence with no explanation. At the same time, many of us will recognize our own tendency to withhold our emotions rather than express them. Most of us have seen both sides of the withholding dilemma. Emotional pain is at the root of our tendency to withhold, and withholding causes pain to the people subjected to it. It is a dysfunctional pattern that creates a breakdown in communication and understanding.

No one deserves to be subjected to withholding. Feeling ignored, disrespected, or shut out, and to not know why, is a terrible feeling. The first thing to remember if this is happening to you is that you are not to blame. You are caught in someone else's pain pattern. This person does not know how to express feelings in a healthy way probably because this is what they learned when she or he was a child. The second helpful thing to remember is that the withholder is acting out of pain. They are stuck in a habitual mode of response that is self-defeating and alienating to the people they love. Remembering this will help you feel compassion for the person hurting you. However, if you have suffered too long with this pattern, you may need to get some space. Take some time to look at your own patterns and understand why you have taken part in this drama. If you are dealing with people in a family situation, you can step up to the plate to help break the chain of this behavior pattern.

If, on the other hand, it is you that tends to withhold, understand that this is a learned response and it can be unlearned. Find safe places to begin to express all that you've been holding back. Begin to make an effort to say what you're feeling and thinking. Give praise to someone you love. The more you do this, the healthier you and your relationships will become. What was learned over a course of a life cannot be changed overnight-remember, one day at a time.


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[free2bunme]

Originally Posted by clean42day

Feeling ignored, disrespected, or shut out, and to not know why, is a terrible feeling. The first thing to remember if this is happening to you is that you are not to blame. You are caught in someone else's pain pattern. This person does not know how to express feelings in a healthy way probably because this is what they learned when she or he was a child. The second helpful thing to remember is that the withholder is acting out of pain. They are stuck in a habitual mode of response that is self-defeating and alienating to the people they love. Remembering this will help you feel compassion for the person hurting you.

This is now the 3rd time I have read this in a couple of days ... I find it very helpful every time I read it in light of the recent silent treatment that i have received and continue to receive from my former sponsor after i told her that i was angry with her for not listening to my message. The resentment is fading ...unfortunately it is getting replaced with a desire to judge (ie "you're supposed to be the guide/the adult here"), which i know is also not a good idea, for her or for me ... so this helps me to view whatever is going on with her from a lens of compassion.

[Misselle]

Interesting perspective. My sister has not spoken to my Mom in almost three years, and reading this has helped me gain some perspective on it.

[janbear]

I have also read this 3 times recently and though i understood what it was saying my silent treatment that i was showing was to avoid conflict. I didnt want to lash out in anger so i chose to remain silent and it was best that way for everything worked out. Sometimes to keep my serenity i stay silent. My family i grew up in was constantly yelling at each other. A little silence would have been nice.
I know i kinda changed the subject there, i do understand how silence can be used to punish.

[Carol87]

many of us have suddenly found ourselves at the other end of a chilly silence with no explanation. At the same time, many of us will recognize our own tendency to withhold our emotions rather than express them. Most of us have seen both sides of the withholding dilemma. Emotional pain is at the root of our tendency to withhold, and withholding causes pain to the people subjected to it. It is a dysfunctional pattern that creates a breakdown in communication and understanding.

Oh Yes! I've been on the receiving end of the silent treatment or alternatively, one word grunts disguised as an answer. That is a very uncomfortable place to be. BUT I can't complain too loudly until I look at my own behaviors ... I have done that very thing so very often in the past -- imposed the silent treatment WITHOUT EXPLANATION. One of my major major character defects that I needed to be reminded of and one that I definitely have to guard against. It is so unfair and hurtful to the recipient. I really work on being honest enough to share what I'm really feeling/thinking without being harmful. That is not easy for this alcoholic!!

If you are dealing with people in a family situation, you can step up to the plate to help break the chain of this behavior pattern.

I try but brick walls are hard on the head!

Thanks for sharing ... what an eye opener for someone who knows how to dish out this kind of treatment.

[BBMal]

Hi, Im new to this site, but am an ACOA in the healing process. I am dealing with the silent treatment of a loved one, a boyfriend, whom I've been dating for 3.5 years. He has done this 4 times since we've started dating. It's always when lifes pressures get to be too much and when it appears the stress is overwhelming to him.
I guess I need help and advice on guessing what's normal. My reaction to it is to be in an immense amount of pain, feel that he has thrown me out like garbage and the feelings of worthlessness that I try to subside just blare at me when I wake up, as I walk around and when I go to sleep. And I just long for him to either say it's over (because that's what I assume he means by the silence) or to call and just say something. Is it normal to feel this way?

[free2bunme]

Interesting that this post popped up again today. I have learned so much about myself through my 3 month long relationship with a guy in recovery. I have become aware of the fact that when I feel hurt or rejected in any way (or even when the person does not behave according to my expectations), my tendency and/or knee jerk reaction is to repay with the silent treatment. This witholding includes one word responses with an icy cold delivery. I want to make it very obvious to the other person that I am not happy with them. I make the person ask me what is wrong rather than just coming out and saying it. This is very passive agressive behavior. I will let a real or imagined slight blow up into a mountain over a course of a few days, and then when I finally talk about it, I become unreasonably angry and end up telling the other person to forget it / this is not working for me /etc etc ... even though that's not really what i want. what i want is for the pain to go away. Through a great deal of self discovery, I am learning to let go of any thoughts that a person outside of myself is going to bring me happiness; that a love relationship is going to make my life "ok." i am learning to keep the focus on me. To lean on myself and my HP to keep me joyful and serene. I am also learning to be more assertive: when something happens that bothers me, i tell the person as soon as is appropriate, but in as non-judgmental or critical manner as i can. the absolutely mind blowing fact about this is that i have come to realize that there was an absolutely reasonable explanation for what i automatically assumed was viciousness or meanness. it's like my experience of the person is changing right before my very eyes, simply because of my own changed attitude. thanks for letting me share.

[leuv21]

hello everyone, it is difficult to love when we feel hurt difficult to forgive and even if we are trying to help the person, am thinking if i am doing it because of a sort of pity or responsibility. I was with a girl who i loved very much but thhen she hurt my feelings like no one esle just as my dd did when i was younger with ords and actions that i always kept in silence inside. I never noticed that the girl i was with was alcoholic untill the day her bother told me so. I was no more with her but i remembered her abusing of me mentally like my dad. But then these days, she is suddenly coming to me talking to me of her problems and i decided to just listen to her because inside me i feel quite a digust... i do not know if anyone can feel the same here as me. she tells me that she is following a treatment with antabuse and that she needs quite some suppot. I am doing it out of pity just to help her but inside me i cant feel the love of helping or forgiving. I am always keeping a passive face in from of her ... i rarely look at her in her eyes like i did for my dad. Even last time when i helped her to order some antabuse online. I would try to talk the less possible about me while she would question me or why did i laugh much less than before .. and if i forgave her.
How can one forgive for betrayal? how did jesus do the same with judas about forgiving?? how can we love someone who did pain to us??

[lincrasto]

Probably at one time or another you have been either on the giving or receiving end of a silent treatment, otherwise known as the cold shoulder. What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism.
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Linc

Texas Drug Treatment

[trial'n'error]

My mom would refuse to speak to me for days on end when I was a kid, even a little kid, often with no explanation other than "If you cared, you'd know what you did". Now that I think of it, this probably destroyed me even worse than the hitting and screaming. I would be devastated and never know what I did. I would follow mom around begging her to tell me what I did wrong but to no avail. Sometimes I would see her trying not to laugh when I did this. I think this contributed to my adult habit of unconsciously making stupid mistakes so at least there would be a reason for someone to be angry with me. I know it causes me to be triggered and upset every time my husband needs a little space from conversation. What was my mom thinking? :( The "silent treatment" destroys.