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Talia · 08-13-2006, 12:32 PM

I have been with my partner for 1 year. I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him and actually we were both drinkers when we met 12 years prior, concieved a daughter and were seperated for 12 years.
Last year we reunited, I have been sober since 1998 and he was still using. He quit for 6 months and fell off the wagon for a week, binged like crazy and then begged to come home when he ran out of money. I relented, he promised and swore he wouldn't do it again.We talked about treatment,AA Meetings and he refused and vehemently stated he was against all of it. Problem was, all he did was quit drinking really,still had the ol' dry drunk behaviour. He has no communication skills, is/was not emotionally supportive and then he began to use pot @ work cause everyone else does it. I put my foot down and demanded he stop, he chose to continue and stated he would rather smoke up once in awhile than drink and I should understand and be happy he is not drinking. HA!
We broke up, I was through with him...done, over....not taking him back.

Well, three weeks later he shows up, broke,dirty,stinky and drunk @ my door.
Asking to me to take him back, that I just have to accept that he is going to fall off the wagon and put up with his pot smoking and quit making it so hard for him to come back. He had hit rock bottom in only three weeks, spent all his paycheck, no place to stay,the friends he had while he was drinking, didnt even want him around them anymore and he is quit the arsehole when he's drinking,cocky and arrogant.
( I had a giggle to myself)
I said no, I love you, but I can't be with you when you are drinking. Im sorry, I wont make any excuses for your behaviour anymore.

He tried over and over and finally called me from a men's homeless shelter, asking me how to help him get into treatment.
I was torn, I didn't know if he was saying it to get back together or if he really meant it.
Well, I can say that he has committed to helping himself. It was very hard to sit back and " not do" for him. I mean I'm so used to "doing for him" that Ive had to sit back,encourage yet let him do what he needs to do.
He has started a journey...Ill keep ya posted.

But my journey has also started. I found at first I was being a friggen martyr, trying to be tough and unfeeling. Now I am sad,depressed and resentful.
When he left to drink - he left a mess. A financial mess, a family mess.......one that Ive left to clean up while he goes to treatment. I don't even know if Ill have a place to live, I had problems at work with co-workers gossiping about HIS drinking problem and I've taken a stress leave.
My trust is down, I feel alone now. Displaced and am considering counselling now for myself.

*clean42day* · 08-13-2006, 03:59 PM

Talia....Al-anon would be a great place to start, it is a support group for spouses of alcoholics and it's free. it doesn't teach you how to get the alcoholic to stop drinking...it teaches you to manage your own life in the middle of any storm and not enable him anymore.
I hope you get yourself the help you need and let God deal with his issues.

light and love

Gail

Baritone · 08-13-2006, 11:08 PM

Welcome Talia,

You've probably heard alcoholism referred to as a family disease - often the other people in the alcoholic's life become sicker than the drinker. In Al-Anon i learned that i was not only powerless over the other person's drinking, but needed the help of a higher power to remove my insane responses to her alcoholism. I've learned to accept that what the other person does is their business, and my own actions alone are my business. Most importantly, taking care of myself is often all that i am able to do and responsible for.

I'm glad you're here. Let us know how things go for you.
- Jim

Peggyannvt · 08-14-2006, 08:08 AM

I was scared that I would get on a pink cloud, when he went to rehab. I felt almost sane then, because I did not have to worry about him. Gee, as if God could not take care of him better than I, anyday. One thing I did was go to a rehab myself while he was drinking. I knew I could only work on myself. I took the drinking days one-day-at-a-time. Our marriage lasted through the 7 months of his being out there again, and it has lasted over 8 years since. One day at a time.

Doraine · 08-20-2006, 11:26 AM

I encourage you to start counseling for yourself and to go to Alanon meetings so you can get the support you need to clean up the mess your boyfriend left you with. Good luck.

JUST LOST · 11-28-2006, 11:02 PM

Dear Talia,

I am also new here and let me tell you that after reading your story I thought I was reading my own. I too have a child of an alcoholic and an addict and let me tell you I can feel your pain. I too have been through the binges and now my boyfriend is in rehab. I have been through the begging to come home and I know how hard it is to "not do" for him. All I can tell you is to take it one day at a time and look into meetings at Al-Anon for yourself as I have. Please keep me posted on your progress for as I have said, I am going through the same as you are right now.

Just Lost

08-13-2006, 12:32 PM	#1
Talia Newcomer Join Date: Aug 2006 Posts: 2	Hi....new to this I have been with my partner for 1 year. I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him and actually we were both drinkers when we met 12 years prior, concieved a daughter and were seperated for 12 years. Last year we reunited, I have been sober since 1998 and he was still using. He quit for 6 months and fell off the wagon for a week, binged like crazy and then begged to come home when he ran out of money. I relented, he promised and swore he wouldn't do it again.We talked about treatment,AA Meetings and he refused and vehemently stated he was against all of it. Problem was, all he did was quit drinking really,still had the ol' dry drunk behaviour. He has no communication skills, is/was not emotionally supportive and then he began to use pot @ work cause everyone else does it. I put my foot down and demanded he stop, he chose to continue and stated he would rather smoke up once in awhile than drink and I should understand and be happy he is not drinking. HA! We broke up, I was through with him...done, over....not taking him back. Well, three weeks later he shows up, broke,dirty,stinky and drunk @ my door. Asking to me to take him back, that I just have to accept that he is going to fall off the wagon and put up with his pot smoking and quit making it so hard for him to come back. He had hit rock bottom in only three weeks, spent all his paycheck, no place to stay,the friends he had while he was drinking, didnt even want him around them anymore and he is quit the arsehole when he's drinking,cocky and arrogant. ( I had a giggle to myself) I said no, I love you, but I can't be with you when you are drinking. Im sorry, I wont make any excuses for your behaviour anymore. He tried over and over and finally called me from a men's homeless shelter, asking me how to help him get into treatment. I was torn, I didn't know if he was saying it to get back together or if he really meant it. Well, I can say that he has committed to helping himself. It was very hard to sit back and " not do" for him. I mean I'm so used to "doing for him" that Ive had to sit back,encourage yet let him do what he needs to do. He has started a journey...Ill keep ya posted. But my journey has also started. I found at first I was being a friggen martyr, trying to be tough and unfeeling. Now I am sad,depressed and resentful. When he left to drink - he left a mess. A financial mess, a family mess.......one that Ive left to clean up while he goes to treatment. I don't even know if Ill have a place to live, I had problems at work with co-workers gossiping about HIS drinking problem and I've taken a stress leave. My trust is down, I feel alone now. Displaced and am considering counselling now for myself.

08-13-2006, 03:59 PM	#2
clean42day Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Lancaster CA Posts: 1,770	Talia....Al-anon would be a great place to start, it is a support group for spouses of alcoholics and it's free. it doesn't teach you how to get the alcoholic to stop drinking...it teaches you to manage your own life in the middle of any storm and not enable him anymore. I hope you get yourself the help you need and let God deal with his issues. light and love Gail __________________ Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from today and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard~ "Live today fully, expressing gratitude for all you have been, all you are right now, and all you are becoming." Melodie Beattie

08-14-2006, 08:08 AM	#4
Peggyannvt Al-anon, ACOA Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Vermont Posts: 50	I was scared that I would get on a pink cloud, when he went to rehab. I felt almost sane then, because I did not have to worry about him. Gee, as if God could not take care of him better than I, anyday. One thing I did was go to a rehab myself while he was drinking. I knew I could only work on myself. I took the drinking days one-day-at-a-time. Our marriage lasted through the 7 months of his being out there again, and it has lasted over 8 years since. One day at a time. __________________ LOVE Peggyann

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08-13-2006, 11:08 PM	#3
Baritone Regular Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 10	Welcome Talia, You've probably heard alcoholism referred to as a family disease - often the other people in the alcoholic's life become sicker than the drinker. In Al-Anon i learned that i was not only powerless over the other person's drinking, but needed the help of a higher power to remove my insane responses to her alcoholism. I've learned to accept that what the other person does is their business, and my own actions alone are my business. Most importantly, taking care of myself is often all that i am able to do and responsible for. I'm glad you're here. Let us know how things go for you. - Jim

08-20-2006, 11:26 AM	#5
Doraine Trusted Servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Lansford, PA Posts: 1,308	I encourage you to start counseling for yourself and to go to Alanon meetings so you can get the support you need to clean up the mess your boyfriend left you with. Good luck.

11-28-2006, 11:02 PM	#6
JUST LOST Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 3	Dear Talia, I am also new here and let me tell you that after reading your story I thought I was reading my own. I too have a child of an alcoholic and an addict and let me tell you I can feel your pain. I too have been through the binges and now my boyfriend is in rehab. I have been through the begging to come home and I know how hard it is to "not do" for him. All I can tell you is to take it one day at a time and look into meetings at Al-Anon for yourself as I have. Please keep me posted on your progress for as I have said, I am going through the same as you are right now. Just Lost