Dilemma....advise would be appreciated....

[flickchic]

I share a scenario in a thread by River; re being true to selves and not being the 'people pleaser'; here is what I wrote I will add to it at the end;

My middle son has a dilemma at the moment with a school project; he has to do it on a famous person who "he feels" has impacted on our society.....now his dad is sadly a dysfunctional person and has his own ideas about what Lachy ought to do....Lachy is caught in the middle of doing what he feels is best for him and what he feels is good for his dad.....my suggestion to him....to be firm, strong, clear but loving and polite......he said "I ASKED dad; can't I do CS Lewis" (as opposed to whomever dad has chosen...cannot recal at this point)....anywhow....I suggested he word it something like this; Dad, I appreciate your input, however "I" have chosen to do CS Lewis, if you'd like to help that would be great. now I could hear Lachy's concerns that if he didn't do as "dad thought was best for him" then he would have conflict and Lachy so dislikes conflict (as do we all really....but he's a caretaker also).....he said but......dad said this is better for me, so; no Lachy, "I wish to do this for me"......when we "know" something is right and good for us then I don't agree that we should shut up and put up!!!!!........

I ended up speaking to L's teacher yesterday re this "dilemma"....she informed me that she was quite well aware of it and had tried again to speak to L in front of his father, but directed the conversation to L about having to make his own choices, not those of his parents!!!....WOW I thanked her for having the strength and insight to "see" what is happening and try and address it appropriately.....dad to date has managed to convince all prior teachers that he is near on the perfect dad.....I thought to myself "finally!!!....someone is seeing the emotional manipulation and control at work here".....anyhow she mentioned that she'd spoken to the whole class that arvo about making a decision and informing her of who they wish to do their project on.....She walked out with me and approached L and asked him "have you something to tell me, have you actually made a decision?"....."he said yes, I wish to do CSLewis", BUT....dad wants me to do Walt Disney......well she hopped on that one straight away and said; it's NOT dad's choice or decision L it is YOUR schoolwork, so I will accept your answer and expect an outline of your project Mon. morning!!!......as we left the school L stressed...mum, can you please tell him for me??, I said I can support it BUT you need to tell him that YOU have decided. OK.....I took the kids for Macs after school and met dad there as it is his w/end.....L told him and I got a filthy look; well I shared that I had caught up with his teacher to see how his week had been (he's been unwell), and that she mentioned their project, that she had in fact enforced that they "need" to make a decision and have a plan by Mon a.m......I then shared that yes, L has chosen CSLewis, another filthy look from dad!!!.....oh well so be it!!!.....

I have some concerns about pushing L to be strong against his dad as I am aware there can be repercussions by way of emotional abuse and emotional blackmail....have seen it, have heard it. We had a similar prob re L's choice of musical instrument, dad wanted one thing L another, L told dad his choice...surprise surprise came the day they informed the students of what they would be doing L was told his instrument was the one dad had chosen....I told him to go back to the music teacher and share that that was not his choice at all, it was a mistake....well the teacher looked at the form they had returned and gee....dad's choice, signed by dad was on the form!!!! anyhow the teacher changed it and L is playing the instrument of his choosing. Dad was non too impressed, however the teacher has supported his choice by way of informing them that the clarinet is more suitable for his age and is easier than the sax, it is far easier to learn the sax afterwrds if one chooses to do so!!! yeehaa reinforced again. A

Anyhow, dad had informed me that the newest guinea pig had died during the day whilst I was ordering the food....I quitely suggested that he hold onto that info until he took them home as it was bound to distress them...(they had 3 more babies this week).....anyways we were about to leave and were ordering dessert for take-aways....I said to L to grab the other kids as it was time to go home....dad said "theres a problem there", I turned to him and gave him a look that said "shut up".....L asked what the prob was.....I didn't see the way dad looked at L, but it must have let on to something as L then asked was it a g.pig?....dad said...well no..but....L asked again and then dad informed him right there and then that yes the baby had died......now some of you may recal the last one that passed away it distressed L to the max....dad KNOWS how sensitive L is!!!! Man I was wild!!!!!! there's poor L stood in the middle of Macs sobbing his little heart out.....I turned to dad and glared at him said "gosh you're timing is so off, you are so insensitive!!!!!...next time you have grief to share with them leave it for home!!!!!"......I was trying to console L and above his head I couldn't stop glaring at dad and shaking my head at him......I am still finding it so hard to accept that he is soooooooo sick!!!!!.....savage I would call that!!!....yes you may feel I have mis-interpreted this, however I KNOW that man sooooooooo well, he booted me by upsetting my son and he knew it would!!!....I have not lost it at him for a few months now.....I had given the kids pocket money and dad had said no not today for spending it we'll go tomorrow.....well after that dilemma he said "oh yeah, let's go and spend your pocket money and I'll add to it"......be stuffed!!!!!......everytime he upset me when we were together or assaulted me he would then turn around in the next instant and buy me a gift".....oh yeah all sounds great, loving etc.....IT IS MANIPULATION!!!!!!!....it is a control factor......I have done so much work with counsellors focused on the cycles of DV and he is perping against the child as he has no control left over me.....WHAT AM I TO DO WITH THIS???

[fibiray]

Hi there felicity, you sound like you have a full time job just dealing with your partner yet alone the kids on top of it. It makes you wonder who really is the kid here with the way he has carried on. It think it was insensitive informing the kids about the g/pig before the right time knowing full well how it would upset them. And getting the kids to do their own projects and make their own choices was right because as it was outlined the project was about writing about a person who has most influenced their lives not their dad's life. Unfortuantely I have a low tolerance for any person who tries to manipulate or control me because I was subject to so much of it growing up. I am finding with my own situation with some people at my local group that the best way to diffuse manipulation is to not react to it and to let it slide right off like teflon. It is their stuff not yours. The moment we react to it we have given them and their manipulations power over us. I know it is hard not to react particularly when the manipulations are directed at the kids or someone we love but all we can do is support them and share with them skills to not react to them. I must say this is a toughie and I am not sure that what I have said will be of any benefit but I can be there for you so anytime you can pm me to chat. God bless
Fi
xxx

[flickchic]

Hey Fi, thank's for replying, sometimes just knowing that I'm not alone helps me continue to have the strength I need to get through these things.....I have had to put up with sooooooooo much crap from this guy and how he deals with the kids....I know and understand how sick he really is, sometimes though I just wish he would be healthy....I pray for him everyday.
I noticed you used the Teflon idea before Fi, it is a good one, I haven't used it for a while, was one of my main tools a while back however....I am glad it is working for you.
I shared this story with my mum and M today and both agreed that more than likely he was aiming at me, via Lachy, that in itself is emotionally abusive for Lachy as far as I am concerned and yes I did find it very very hard not to react....I shared under the thread of anger re this also; I feel my reaction was a lot better than it woukd have been in the past....he and I have spent years arguing and I feel that is what he was fishing for; a reaction....he didn't get the one he was used to though!!!!.....I have been polite and nice to this guy for some time now and he knows he doesn't have the hold/control over me he did, and I guess even more so now that he is being seen by the teachers as controlling and manipulative also....it must be scaring him.....it just occured to me also that by sitting here even thinking about his manipulative ways is a form of his controlling me...so I will turn this one over to God again and try my best to leave it there, and yes Fi, support and sharing of skills is probably the best that "I" can give.

and thankyou so much for being available for me, I am very grateful for your friendship.

God Bless, love and hugs, Flick