Writing a Letter - Step 8

[janbear]

Step Eight tells us we must become willing to make amends to the people on our list, and Step Nine brings us out of the passive and into the active phase of our recovery process. But, for the moment, what we really need to do is some soul-searching about why we need to make these amends, and the possible benefits we may derive from doing so.

Yesterday, we suggested parents as probable candidates to head our list. However, many of us no longer have a living father or mother, although we still carry an enormous amount of guilt over how we behaved toward them.

A wonderful solution was shared by a member of a self-help group who said: "The only way I could get rid of all that residual guilt and anguish was to write a letter to my dad, seal it and toss it into the fireplace. In it, I told him how much I truly loved him, and how he had always been there whenever I needed him. I also told him how sorry I was for having lied to him, stolen from him and disparaged him in front of my friends because he was not successful enough to satisfy my ego needs.

"Then I promised him that I'd do some nice, helpful things for older people whenever I could. I also promised to do those things silently and in his name. The I felt better."

Even if it is no longer possible to be in touch, I find a way to express my amends to those I have harmed.

-Step by Step

[snugsnug]

I have already used this suggestion several times while in recovery. This exercise works well with resentments and self pity too. I find that when I write down my feelings, no matter what they are, I feel better.

Great suggestion.

[free2bunme]

Cool post, great suggestion, Thanks!

[clean42day]

I liked your suggestion and have practiced it myself especially recently with my mom in the form of not amends but forgiveness.

also another thing I found very powerful....was at the top of my amends list...was myself first. I wrote a letter to the little girl I used to be, to the teenager I was, to the young adult that I was, and then to myself as I am today. it was also a very powerful way to make amends to myself and to take actions to amend the way I had treated myself for over 25 years.

There were 3 very distinct phases of my development as a person I needed to address. The little girl: I acknowledged her feelings, the injustices that she experienced and then made amends to her for all they ways....i somehow made it all "her fault" and dishonored her. The teenager: I addressed the confusion, the anger, the denial, the frustration and also made amends to her for all the ways I continued to dishonor her... the ways I was dishonored as a little girl and how I enabled her to escape her pain with drugs instead of helping her heal. Then the young adult: the same process. and the person I am today: I have found the best way to keep my recovery focus is to continue to make amends to me and not "do the things" I use to. not treat myself the ways I use to, and to not critisize and blame myself with shame the way I used to. I stay in honoralbe actions with myself first...those are my amends to me....and by practicing those honorable actions....my amends to others come naturally too.

light and love

Gail