What is Codependency?

[clean42day]

What is Codependency?

By Pam Powers

There are many definitions of codependency. Some believe being codependent means having an alcoholic or drug addict creating chaos in their life. There are those of us who don't think that is necessarily so. Codependency can reach those not living or dealing with an alcoholic.
In Codependency, Misunderstood-Mistreated by Anne Wilson Shaef & Sondra Smalley, says; "codependency is a pattern of learned behaviors, feelings and beliefs that make life painful." Shaef also quotes Sharon Wegsehieder-Cruse's definition of codependents as; "all persons who (1) are in a love or in a marriage relationship with an alcoholic, (2) have one or more alcoholic parents or grandparents, or (3) grew up in an emotionally repressive family."

Shaef, also quotes Robert Subby's definition of codependency as; "an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual's prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules. Rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems."

The good news is that treatment is available. New, healthy behaviors can be learned. Inappropriate rules can be replaced with appropriate ones. We can learn to set boundaries. We can learn to be assertive. We can learn new, more effective coping tools, and our self-esteem can grow.

There are many steps we can. take on the road to recovery. Sometimes it is possible to travel this road without the help of a therapist. But having a therapist can be like the difference between walking across America, or riding the train. A therapist can help make the journey a lot easier, but you'll still be doing the bulk of the work. Sometimes we have to try several therapists before we find one that is right and that's OK. Don't give up if the first, or second, don't feel right.

Self-help groups can be a tremendous help and resource. Hearing others talk about the issues can help us realize we are not alone with our problems, and we are not "crazy." Support groups can be a great place to talk and gain support between therapy sessions. Check with your therapist about joining a support group. They m often recommend one that they are familiar with and know to be effective.

There are many books available on the topic of codependency. But remember to check with your therapist before picking a book. Sometimes there can be a conflict between the contents of a book and what you and your therapist are working on.

What IS CODEPENDENCY?
Author Unknown

My good feelings about who I am stem from being
LIKED BY YOU;

My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving
APPROVAL FROM YOU;

Your struggles affect MY serenity.
MY mental attention focuses on solving
YOUR problems or relieving YOUR pain.
My mental attention is focused on
PLEASING YOU;

My mental attention is focused on
PROTECTING YOU;

My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to
"TO DO IT MY WAY";

My self-esteem is bolstered by solving
YOUR PROBLEM;

My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving
YOUR PAIN;

My own hobbies and interests are put aside.
My time is spent sharing
YOUR INTEREST AND HOBBIES;

YOUR clothing and personal appearance
is dictated by my desires as I feel that
YOU ARE A REFLECTION OF ME;

YOUR behavior is dictated by my desires as I feel that
YOU ARE A REFLECTION OF ME;

I AM NOT AWARE OF HOW I FEEL.
I am aware of how YOU feel.
I am not aware of what I want.
I ask what YOU want;

IF I AM NOT AWARE I ASSUME.
The dreams that I have for
MY future is linked to YOU;

My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
My fear of YOUR anger determines what I say or do.
I use GIVING as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with YOU.
I put MY values aside in order to connect with YOU.
I value YOUR opinion and way of doing things;

MORE THAN MY OWN.
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of YOURS.

To determine if you might be a Codependent, refer to Self Test for Codependency.

Pam Powers has been in recovery 18 years. She professionally facilitated supports groups for 12 years. Pam maintains the Constructive Love web site (www2.scescape.com/support) and moderates a codependency recovery email discussion list.

Article Contributed in Cooperation with Steps for Recovery