miss my husband-PLEASE HELP!

[luvmyhubby]

i am not sure if i am in the right place.....
i am not sure what to do about my husband. we have been together 6 years and have a total of 6 children. he has a 9 yr old boy and a 9 yr old girl who live with their mothers. my 4 live with us- my 11 yr old daughter, my boy/girl 7yr old twins(result of a 1 nt stand that my husband has raised since they were 1 and think he is their birth father) and our 4 yr old girl. when we were first dating he had various addictions. iwas never really into that kind of thing and didnt know the signs. i thought he was just being irresponsible and immature and didnt love my as much as i loved him. 9 months into our relationship it came to a head. after months of staying out all night and spending too much money, he disappeared on me. come to find out he had a problem. he refused to go to any kind of counseling, but was able to quit 2 drugs(coke and e) he got a good job and we have been together 5+ years since then. it hasnt always been easy and he thinks its ok to drink and smoke as long as he doesnt do the other stuff. we have had constant battles over the years in reference to this. from the research i have done, it seems this leads right back to the addiction. we have had various arguments because he has "snuck" to the bar and lied to me. sometimes he comes home at night, sometimes til not the next am. last christmas he went out after work the night we were to decorate the tree and noone saw or heard from him til 9am the next morning( he was due into work at 7am). my kids were hurt and wrote him letters telling them how much this hurt them. he admitted he has a drinking problem at that point. he promised- as he has many times before not to do it again. we were married this past may. he stayed away from the bars until then- and things were great. he coached our sons baseball team, we planned a wedding and went to vegas. shortly after the wedding i found out that he went out with his brother for a bachelor party the night before we got married while he and our 2 boys were supposed to be spending the night at his dads house. he told my son and stepson not to tell me. he stayed out til 830 in the morning- states he was at a 24hr pool hall shooting pool. since then, in july he told me he was going to a batting cage w/ a friend after work but when i went there looking for him since he wouldnt answer the cell phone, he wasnt there. he came home about 9pm and said he went for happy hour and he lost track of time. he wouldnt answer the phone because he knew i would be mad. a couple weeks ago he went to our local nfl teams home game w/ his brother and i didnt mind that he was going to the game but i argued with him because i knew he was going to go to the bar afterwards. he swore he wasnt. 2 hrs after the game was over i called him and he was dropping his brother off and he would be home. 2.5 hrs later he finally came home- after turning off the cell again. last monday after coming back from our childrens football and cheerleading practice he told me he needed to go to a friend from works house to help fix the washing machine hookup and left at 9p. i went to sleep and awoke at 1am to find him still not home. i calle dthe cell for half an hour and he finally called me back, said he was almost home. he came home at 2am and i was mad, as was to be expected. he said he left his cigarettes in the car and left for 2 more hours- again turning the cell phone off. when he did come back home at 3am he said he did that because he knew we would be up all night arguing. friday afternoon he called and said he was on his way home and his boss called him back in to do an emergency job and he was going to stop home and use the bathroom and go back to work. not unusual w/ his job to get called in on an emergency, but something was telling me it wasnt right. i told him i thought he was going to the bar for happy hour. he denied it and we talked a coulpe more times with him continueing on the charade about working. i waited until 9pm until i called again. i called continuously all night long. he would turn the phone off and back on but never answer. at 615am he calls me and says" why did you stop calling?" i told him i was done . he said fine and hung up. i know he went to his dads house and stayed there all day. i know he went that night (saturday) out to the bar w/ his brother and sister in law. he went back to his dads sometime after 3am and was there until monday at4pm. we talked a couple times and i refused to give in and say it is ok for him to EVER go to the bar. the children are very upset. my 4 yr old daughter waited 8 hrs at the front door yesterday because he called at 3:20 and said he was on his way to get his stuff and see them and never showed. i know that he went to work today and i know he is at the bar right now- do not know where he stayed last night or will stay tonight. what concerns me is that i found out today that while out at a bar on saturday night before he met up w/ his brother he was doing coke and "not acting like a married man". iam devestated. i miss my husband. i love my husband. i dont know what to do. somehow he slipped back into the druggie party boy. please help me figure out how to handle this. my children will not have a drug addict for a father. i will not allow them to be hurt by his broken promises again. how do i handle this? i still want to be with him, but not on those terms.

[peajaye]

This is an insidious disease. Unless someone wants to quit, there is absolutely nothing you can do to "make" them stop. I would suggest going to alanon to get some support for yourself as you make these difficult decisions. My heart goes out to you. Please keep coming back here. There is a forum for friends and family members that might have some helpful information.

[zoomie]

Hi, I'm sorry your going through all this. PJ is right, you cannot make a person stop,the have to do it themselves. You stated you did not want your kids to have a drug addict father,but once an addict, always an addict. We are never cured,but do have a way of life that can help us stay stopped through a 12 step program. I have a 16 year old that is into drugs and stuff. I can't even stop her and she is even going to an out patent rehab and is still doing her thing. I'm lucky though because I can lock her up if she does not stop. Anyway, we work our program one day at a time and cannot promis that we will not drink or drug again,but with the help of AA and NA our chances are good to stay stopped. Good luck and keep coming back!

[luvmyhubby]

we spoke today for a long time. he wants to come home, says all the right things, but refuses counseling or any help. says he can do it on his own. i even said he could come home if we just go to see a marriage counselor because i think that would be a step in the right direction. my apologies, as i understand that once an addict always, my intention was that i dont want an active user raising my children. i am struggling with this really bad. i stipulated that to come home we must go to counseling. he refuses. says if i really love him i will let him come home. do i take him back without the counseling? he has done it before on his own. i am so confused. i dont know what the right thing to do is for me ,for him, or the kids. my head says dont let him come back without counseling but my heart says let him come back and be his support.

[free2bunme]

you have to make the choice that you can live with right now, whatever that is. i can only share what i know about active addicts. i know it is hard to hear, but if your husband is in his disease right now, which it sounds as if he is, he will lie and manipulate and say what he thinks you want to hear in order to get what he wants: i.e. to come home. that being said, i think you know that the only chance you have for him to go to counseling is to insist on it now. and even then, he could wheedle his way out of it once he gets back home. the kindest thing to do for him in the long run could be to let him bottom out to the point that he admits that he needs help. this is a drastic and scary move, however, that you might not be prepared for at this point.
my best advice to you is to start going to al-anon meetings as soon as you can, get some numbers and use them --- so that you can a. understand the nature of his disease, b. learn how to stick up for yourself and your own needs, and in the process stop enabling him (which is very loving, even though it might not feel like it at first), and c. get a support system together for yourself. good luck. hope you'll keep coming back and sharing. praying for you.

[free2bunme]

ps You WILL get through this, no matter what, i promise! and you will be stronger for it. your main job right now is to take care of yourself and your kids, keep the focus on you. i know this will be very difficult, that is why getting a support group via al-anon will be really helpful for you! and if you have faith, pray to God for help! Love, Frannie

[fibiray]

Hi there luvmyhubby i can certainly sympthasise with you circumstances and know the frustration when watching a loved one literally kill themselves before your eyes. As suggested you may benefit from attending alanon to learn how this this disease works on the alcoholic and the family. May I also suggest that the kids attend alateen as they too need support. Whatever the decision you make about your hubby you need to understand that without treatment his drinking and drugging will only get worse, and you will find that yours and the kids circumstances will get worse with that. You and the kids will become sick yourselves from being exposed to the elements of this disease. I watched my father make all the promises in the world to my mother over the years and everyone of them ended up broken. They are not bad people just sick ones and cannot make any commitment to anything because they are a slave to their drinking and drugging. God bless you and keep you and the kids through this time and keep coming back to this forum.

Fi
xxx

[free2bunme]

pps

says if i really love him i will let him come home.

This is not about whether you love him. Of course you love him. It is about the best thing to do for everyone involved.

[luvmyhubby]

hes here now and i am not sure how to react. he asked if he could sleep on the couch. we havent really talked yet...not sure if he plans on it. the kids were ecstatic to see him. just put them to bed. i still dont know what i am going to do. i feel so weak. i know he treats me like a doormat.

Hello, I'm Kai, grateful alcoholic.

Al-Anon or NarcAnon are programs for family and friends affected by someone's drug/alcohol use. If he didn't have a problem then you wouldn't be having a problem. No one can tell him he has a problem, he has to see that for himself. But if you are making excuses for him at work, or to family then he is not feeling the consequences.

He's already hurting you and your kids. Al-Anon will help you establish personal boundaries and you will meet other people who have gone through or are going through the same things you are. They will be people you can call on night or day.

Getting help for yourself is the best thing you can do for him right now. He has to face the truth before he can decide to change, but you can not change him. Find an Al-Anon group, you should be able to take your kids. Get help for you. You are worth it.

Love ya later. Kai