Rage

[break_free]

Hi everyone,

I was just wondering if any other adult children of alcoholics, while in therapy or not have had instances of absolute uncontrollable rage...

For the first time in my life (I am 35) someone who had put me down repeatedly in the past for years finally hit my breaking point.

She intentionally talked down to me in front of a room full of people because she was inconvenienced by my walking a realtor through MY house as she was trying to move her mother out. The story is long and complicated but that is the jist.

At the time I calmly walked away, but as soon as I got in my car I had such rage at being belittled and talked to condescndingly after all I have done for her family.

This rage really really scared me.

Has anyone else ever felt this sort of rage to the point you scare yourself?

[fibiray]

Hi there break free, I too am an acoa who was subjected to a lot of physical, emotional and mental abuse growing up in an alcoholic home, and yes rage was a biggie for me. How I respond to people places and situations is influenced by what had happened to me. I went into therapy and was put under hypnosis to bring up the underlying issues and there was a deep dark secret lying way down there. Needless to say whenever I get angry or begin to rage it is often the past that is irritating me at a very deep level. This is where the 12 steps come into the picture along with the help of a good therapist. I am no where near as angry as what I once was because I am learning to have a voice and to assert myself effectively without feeling guilt. When I find that I have done this then there is less chance of a rage or resentment occuring. One of the symptoms of acoa is our inability to communicate effectively for fear of confrontation or reprisal. It is really scary this type of anger and it certainly must be dealt with as these things can tend to get worse never better. When you were being belittled you lost your power in the situation and we acoa's need to learn how to take our power back assertively and constructively rather than through anger. Thats my bit I hope it helps.

Fi

[penguin]

Originally Posted by fibiray

I am learning to have a voice and to assert myself effectively without feeling guilt. One of the symptoms of acoa is our inability to communicate effectively for fear of confrontation or reprisal. we acoa's need to learn how to take our power back assertively and constructively rather than through anger. Fi

Yes, I have had outbursts and they're often because I feel controlled unfairly. Oddly, in relationships, I tend to bow and cow tow to demands of others. So yes, definitely learning to communicate--it is different than confronting: I find myself being confrontational to unjust/unfair strangers, but if I want to win someone's approval, I'm incapable of stating my opinion if it differs even slightly from what someone else has expressed. Or I apologize for feeling differently! Lots to learn! How?

[PatNewMex]

I too have tackled so much of my past behavior due to being an ACOA. I feel that I am A L M O S T there. I have forgiven my father (the alcholoic) years ago, my life history would be too long to cover here.... BUT back to your question.

YES, once I found my "voice" and started talking back to the world, started having an opinion and other such things...I found that my rage was, in certain instance, overpowering and really scarry.

I think this comes from year upon year upon year of keeping it all stifled. Being a doormat is no fun and it makes you feel rage inside for YOU letting yourself be used. It may be anger directed at others who you feel *may* be the core of your anger.

If you give yourself a minute to refect, think of the incident and your reaction to it on a scale of 1-10. For example: You did a huge favor for a good friend and they didn't even say thank you. You may feel the rage building inside for a few days that you feel "used" or whatever, then spew at them via email. The initial incident of the missing thank you might be rated as a 1. Your reaction might be rated as an 8. Something is not right here. (This happened to me last week. I totally regret my spewing via email at my good friend.)

The more I have been working on getting rid of the ego-centric rages, the more they come up. Why? The ego needs something like this to feed upon. You have to almost develop a way of totally living in the NOW. (look up Eckhart Tolle's book of "the power of NOW".

This will take some work, but it is totally doable!!!!!!!

Good luck and keep us posted.

Pat


Pat