Boundaries for Recovery.......

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Clean42day
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Posted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 2:17 am Post subject: Boundaries for Recovery.......

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Boundaries for Recovery

Carol J. Ross, MA, CADAC

"No place is safe!" This was Frank's exasperated conclusion after feeling taken advantage of by a woman. Frank, who was sexually abused as a child by an adult male, never expected someone from his 12-step support group would want to be sexual with him. He thought Sylvia was just being nice in welcoming him to the meeting. He liked her attention and her hugs. Frank felt special when she asked him to go for coffee after the meeting. Hungry for understanding and companionship, he relished the time, they spent talking about their broken pasts. Soon their relationship became physically intimate and Frank began going to the meeting especially to be with Sylvia. When she moved in with him, he stopped going to 12- step meetings all together. Sylvia had become his reason for going and now he didn't have to go anywhere to see her. After a while, Sylvia found another newcomer at her meeting who needed understanding and companionship. Needless to say, Frank was outraged and quickly relapsed. Frank made the mistake that many people make---expecting others to have boundaries instead of taking responsibility for his own boundaries.
Even the safest place in the world can only be as safe as one's own boundaries. For example, the long-standing 12-step advice of abstinence from new romantic relationships during the first year of sobriety is not made to be punishment. It is a boundary of safety.

The recovering people are very vulnerable during that period in their lives. Boundaries are guidelines for safety from lapsing into dysfunctional behaviors. Another boundary that Frank needed in order to make it easier to follow the no-relationship-for-a-year boundary might have been to go for coffee in groups instead of alone with Sylvia. Going alone with his sponsor might be safe, especially if he chose a sponsor that was a heterosexual male, like himself. Choosing a sponsor that is not the gender of one's sexual attraction is a boundary that can lessen the possibility of romantic complications. Another boundary might have been to regularly check in with his sponsor for guidance about his feeling about Sylvia and their relationship. Many recovering people have a boundary to not date others from a 12-step meeting unless they could forfeit that particular meeting (in case of relationship problems) without compromising their recovery. Boundaries are not just another set of rules, they are made to decrease the obstacles to recovery. They are not made to punish others, either.

Like many sexual abuse survivors, Gina learned poor boundaries from her family of origin long before her sexual abuse. When she reached the age of wanting to choose her own clothes, bathe herself without help, and use the bathroom in privacy, she was not allowed to and was chastised for expecting personal space and privacy. Eventually, she learned not to expect them and stopped asking for them when other family members walked in on her while dressing or using the bathroom. She quickly learned 'because I said so' was justification for any adult to invade her space and to control what she wore on her body and what food was put in her body. So, when Gina's stepfather molested her, she believed she had no right to complain to any adult and would probably be blamed if she did. The lack of boundaries she learned from her family set her up to be vulnerable to abuse; it made her a victim who would never tell.

In her recovery from sexual abuse, Gina had great difficulty identifying times when she had a right to boundaries and knowing how to set them. One of her most difficult situations was being around her abuser, her stepfather. She either felt shame or murderous rage. Although anger was an appropriate feeling, it would not have been appropriate to carry out her vengeful fantasies of harming him. She instead expressed her rage in the safety of her therapist's office using therapeutic techniques to help her expel her feelings in ways that would not harm her or anyone else. Gina identified a set of boundaries to keep her from becoming a perpetrator or a victim at family gatherings. At first, she had the boundary of not attending functions where her stepfather was present. When her mother became angry at what appeared to be disrespect and abandonment of the family, Gina chose to tell her mother why she was not attending. This too, was done with boundaries. Gina chose her therapist's office as a place to reveal the molestation to her mother allowing both Gina and her mother therapeutic support for each of their perspectives and feelings on the situation. Gina did not know whether her mother's response would be anger, disbelief, or sadness, but for her own recovery it was [too] important for her not to shed the sexual secret. After Gina's mother's initial response of sadness, the therapist helped Gina's mother understand the years of Gina's eating disorder and unhappy relationships. Relief came to Gina in knowing she was no longer alone with the secret. She agreed to attend family functions with the option to leave if she began to feel uncomfortable around her stepfather. Later on in therapy, Gina's mother got help for her feelings of anger and guilt for not noticing the sign of abuse in Gina. For other abuse survivors whose parents historically have discounted their realities, a boundary may be to not reveal the abuse and experience another perpetration by an angry, disbelieving parent. For the same reason, it is an individual boundary sexual abuse survivors need to make about whether or not to confront the abuser. Sometimes the potential for further verbal or physical abuse is greater than the relief of confrontation. In other cases the relief and empowerment of confrontation outweigh the discomfort of confrontation. A suggested boundary is to assess corroborating evidence of the abuse before deciding to accuse anyone publicly. This evidence might include a witness, school or medical records showing signs of the abuse, or a sibling or other person who also was abused by the same perpetrator. Public accusation without supportive evidence is perpetration - for the accused and the accuser. The last role most abuse victims want to play is the role of a perpetrator, or to, set oneself up for perpetration.

Boundaries can be loving for oneself as well as for one's partner. In her recovery, Roc****************e learned she had to take responsibility for communicating her boundaries to others so they could know her limits and decide how to interact with her. Before learning this, Roc****************e became irritated with her partner's behaviors and expected her partner to change.

Boundaries are not necessarily going to change another's behaviors, but they can help one articulate his or her own limits and plan an alternative set of self-me actions in case others cross the stated boundaries. For example, when Rachel's partner called her a certain pet name, instead of feeling her partner's affection, Roc****************e felt degraded as she was during her childhood sexual abuse. Roc****************e learned to tell her partner how she felt about the name and let her know that, to keep herself from feeling degraded, she would, if called the name again, share her feelings on the spot. Also, if Roc****************e's partner continued after Roc****************e expressed feelings, Roc****************e would leave the room. This was a way for Roc****************e to remain present as a self-nurturing adult instead of attacking or retreating as a hurt child.

Learning to have boundaries is a learning process like any other learning process. There will be times of extremes, when it feels like one is either being too rigid or too wavering. Finding the middle will come with practice. And practicing anything involves mistakes along the way to success. Using recovery guides, such as sponsors, an extensive network of support, and a therapist can help along the way.

Carol Ross, MA, CADAC is a Sexual Recovery Therapist at Sierra Tucson, Inc., an addictions Treatment Center and licensed psychiatric hospital. She can be contacted at Sierra Tussor4 16500 N. Lago del Oro Parkway, Tucson AZ 85737, (800) 624-9001.


Article Contributed by Steps For Recovery Magazine


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"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from now and make a brand new ending"
~Carl Bard