What is Raging? - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

*janbear* · 09-08-2006, 05:45 PM

What is Raging?
Rage is a shame based expression of anger.
Rage is by definition abuse. Ragers react to strong emotions with rage. (i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.)

Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about".

Raging gives the rager a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive, producing what is known as rageaholism or ragaholics.

What Rage Looks Like:
Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish.

What Healthy Anger looks like:
Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.)

i.e: When you (a behavior), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________.

Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through.

Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.

Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships.
Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery. Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them.

Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually. Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger.

Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.

The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral. This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)

Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

|http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/rage_vs_anger.htm

flickchic · 09-08-2006, 06:51 PM

Bless you Jan,

this is an excellent post and one very much needed at this point in time for me, I thankyou from my heart.

Quote:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.

........oh how true this is, I guess to find the negative in the positive, I can share that I have been existing in the above for the past few weeks, I know from my current experience/s that I have been struggling to maintain any continuous being with the Spirit, the sunlight has certainly been shut out.

There has been some positive; I have managed to not release my rage upon M, I also knew that if I had of picked up a drink that rage inside of me would have created absolute havoc and I would certainly have risked my relationship once again. I have had more than one occasion recently where I really felt like "going spare"....I just wanted to throw things around, kick things, hit something or someone, man I have been so angry....I sat with it instead, I walked away a couple of times from M as I could hear we were getting tense in our communications, and although I wasn't able to work through all the emotions and triggers at the time, I did recognise the need to walk away and not throw "my stuff" at him. I'm not real good at this > however I will give myself a wee pat on the back for being able to remove myself from situations that could have become very very ugly and extrememly damaging.

Quote:

Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about".

I also suffered this as an ongoing part of my life for many years > "shut up or "I'll give you something to cry about", with a fist in my face < so there have been many many triggers happening for me, history keeps jumping into my face. Loss of control and feeling powerless is at the basis of it all, dealing with "so-called" authorities at the moment has been triggering the one of the most traumatic times of my life; when I was in a very abusive r/ship, using drugs and had my youngest child removed from my care due to my mental health, the abuse and drugs. I have never owned here before that one of the reasons I had my son removed was due to my mental health; I was diagnosed with BPD and refused to face it let alone own it.....they wanted me to do intense psychotherapy and I flatly refused......I was still stick in the notion that there was "something really wrong with me, the inner me", but at the same time there was no way I was going to own that. I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of having total control over me, well that's how it felt and what my belief was at the time. For me the hardest part now has been owning that I need help, that I am not coping, I believe PTSD is certainly active again, something that I still haven't expressed beyond right here and now; the feelings of inadequacy, helplessness and shame are very prominant,

, brings a deep sadness to me right now, writing about it, I haven't cried for days, guess I need to or it wouldn't be happening, I'm sad that I have been less than my best, "I have allowed myself" to be controlled by others postions of power, it's been a struggle though.....something that is coming up right now; the memories of being told "what to do", by my parents, "you will do this", not having a say, not being heard, not being allowed choices, all the times we moved home, moved schools, when I was attending and not schooling at home, all the changes in our lives that were so upsetting, that we as kids had no control over, we were powerless, helpless and never included in those decisions, never asked how we felt, never allowed to express what it meant for us, huge geographical changes, huge losses each time, right now I don't feel that I'm having much say and certainly not being heard about me, my life, and my future due to the work scenario, it's not just about having a job, our jobs involve our living arrangements, there is so much going through my head re all of that.....the concerns of working different shifts to M if I go back to site on a different job, if I were to stay here and work somewhere local I would have to work the week M is home, our time is so limited now, the job availability.....finally the gp got the message through loud and clear that I will not be going to drive trucks, so now their focus is on getting me into administrative work, I have no desire to do that either, I am an outdoors person, I am a hands on person, I am intelligent and capable of admin work, but I do not wish to be parked in an office on my rear end for 11-12 hours a day for 14 days in a row at a time........

anger is to hide sadness, pain, rage comes to me when I hold onto that anger, allowing resentment to build, allowing the triggers to come and not release them, then that in turn all becomes rage....

Ironically today I have a full day training seminar with the pyschologist involved in the community support groups, this pyschologist is the one that assessed me for the "powers that be", when they took my son away 6 1/2 years ago(I think I've mentioned this guy before).....When I first found out a couple of months ago, I thought it quite humorous, that I could now stand next to this guy, "on the other side of the fence".....now in the midst of my triggers I do get to stand on the same side of the fence, externally, not too sure about the mental though!!!

Well by writing and sharing I've just shown myself yet again; to practice what I preach, writing/sharing helps get stuff out, this is rather painful at the moment, there is so much stuff coming out, childhood mostly.

It has also shown me that I am not able to do this alone, I am not able to "do it my way", acting on "my will", messes me up, Father please help me, I'm a mess and cannot do this alone, I don't want to do this alone anymore. Help me please, it hurts.

Quote:

Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.

The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)

.......acting in "alchoholic/addicitve beahviours and attitudes".......I have relasped in that I am emotionally drunk.

How can I work on those feelings?.....by releasing them, by allowing myself to become vulnerable, to expose my emotional pain, by asking for help.

flickchic · 09-08-2006, 07:11 PM

Quote:

Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.

At the expense of partially repeating my post above I want to add; I have more than emotionally relapsed; I drank also. I did manage to say no when I was in the height of internal rage; I knew what would happen if I didn't control myself, however I had a couple fo drinks on more than one occ. last week and I did see how easy it would be to fall back in there, it felt good, it lifted my mood, however one night I was in danger of going further and copping out...so I have been less than honest.....for I did pick up a drink.....that's me, my shame. And yes I have been full of intense dislike toward myself....so all the "examples" I have shown in my recovery I have blown.....fallen on my rear again....no not as hard but there anyhow.....it hurts to own this, but, I am not able to come back here and not be honest...I'm sorry for being less than, for not being strong enough to hold out recently. Sobriety begins again, today, in the here and now. Two days dry.....wow

*janbear* · 09-08-2006, 07:24 PM

Thank you for your honesty felicity

I love you and will keep loving you until you love yourself again and when you have learned to love yourself again i will keep loving you. I know we all will. I beat myself up on my relapses and it didnt help my spirit, i had to stop so please dont beat yourself up,sweetheart. Put the stick down.

flickchic · 09-08-2006, 07:30 PM

thankyou Jan, for loving me and helping me cry.....you know what really hurts me is that I did try so hard in my shame to shut out those who love me, including God.....that hurts.....

*janbear* · 09-08-2006, 07:42 PM

Yes, sometimes we isolate and that is dangerous for us alcoholic/addicts. We need each other.

I am always here for you felicity.

flickchic · 09-08-2006, 07:55 PM

thankyou Jan

I love you. Your care and love has allowed my floodgates to open, oh by golly it's hurting right now, all the years are coming up and out, I know it needs to be released though. Thankyou for being here for me.

God Bless.

fibiray · 09-08-2006, 08:20 PM

Hey flick, god love you. Don't beat yourself up over picking up a drink because I think the ironic twist of that is that it may have saved your life or prvented you from doing something worse. I remember reading somewhere in someone's journal that what we are experiencing is okay and what we are feeling is okay in the sense that it is a very painful lesson and no doubt there will be growth. I can so relate to the sahme that you have experienced from your upbringing as I have had the same thing too. It takes time to be free from all that glomp and I am still working my way through it. In fact I think I may have only just made a dent in a lot of it. It is very hard when you are undergoing such intense emotions to remember step 3. For me the isolating is a thing that I do at times and like it has been said its not a good thing for us alkies. But at times I find that I do it when I cannot identify feelings. Keep safe and know that we are here for you.
God bless

Fixxx

*admin* · 09-09-2006, 06:38 AM

((((Felicity)))),

As the others said, put down that stick, you have beat yourself enough. I am just so very happy that you are back with us again. I have missed you.

Please know I am here for you anytime.

Love,
Tammy

Doraine · 09-09-2006, 09:42 AM

I was a rageaholic for many years while I was drinking. My anger was only a little better when I got sober. Years into sobriety I became depressed and suicidal although I made no attempt to end my life. My anger caused me to blame my daughters for my state of mind. My daughters stopped talking to me while I was still in the hospital. After that I was able to overcome my anger and stopped getting into arguments. I stopped being a victim of my moods. I've been in treatment for bipolar disorder since early sobriety and I think that helped in keeping me from going to the extreme in moods. Today I don't have a hair trigger temper.

09-08-2006, 05:45 PM	#1
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,175	What is Raging? What is Raging? Rage is a shame based expression of anger. Rage is by definition abuse. Ragers react to strong emotions with rage. (i.e. feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss convert to rage.) Ragers were typically shamed or punished by their caretakers for expressing emotion when they were young; i.e.: "Be a man and don't cry", "Nice girls don't get angry" or "I'll give you something to cry about". Raging gives the rager a feeling of power - offsetting their shame and feelings of inadequacy. Rage sets up a neurochemical reaction in the brain that can be addictive, producing what is known as rageaholism or ragaholics. What Rage Looks Like: Screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish. What Healthy Anger looks like: Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.) i.e: When you (a behavior), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________. Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through. Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways. Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships. Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery. Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them. Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually. Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger. Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse. The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral. This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?) Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says: "It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die. If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison." \|http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/rage_vs_anger.htm __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

09-08-2006, 07:24 PM	#4
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,175	Thank you for your honesty felicity I love you and will keep loving you until you love yourself again and when you have learned to love yourself again i will keep loving you. I know we all will. I beat myself up on my relapses and it didnt help my spirit, i had to stop so please dont beat yourself up,sweetheart. Put the stick down. __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

09-08-2006, 07:42 PM	#6
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,175	Yes, sometimes we isolate and that is dangerous for us alcoholic/addicts. We need each other. I am always here for you felicity. __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

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09-08-2006, 07:30 PM	#5
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	thankyou Jan, for loving me and helping me cry.....you know what really hurts me is that I did try so hard in my shame to shut out those who love me, including God.....that hurts.....

09-08-2006, 07:55 PM	#7
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	thankyou Jan I love you. Your care and love has allowed my floodgates to open, oh by golly it's hurting right now, all the years are coming up and out, I know it needs to be released though. Thankyou for being here for me. God Bless.

09-08-2006, 08:20 PM	#8
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	Hey flick, god love you. Don't beat yourself up over picking up a drink because I think the ironic twist of that is that it may have saved your life or prvented you from doing something worse. I remember reading somewhere in someone's journal that what we are experiencing is okay and what we are feeling is okay in the sense that it is a very painful lesson and no doubt there will be growth. I can so relate to the sahme that you have experienced from your upbringing as I have had the same thing too. It takes time to be free from all that glomp and I am still working my way through it. In fact I think I may have only just made a dent in a lot of it. It is very hard when you are undergoing such intense emotions to remember step 3. For me the isolating is a thing that I do at times and like it has been said its not a good thing for us alkies. But at times I find that I do it when I cannot identify feelings. Keep safe and know that we are here for you. God bless Fixxx

09-09-2006, 06:38 AM	#9
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	((((Felicity)))), As the others said, put down that stick, you have beat yourself enough. I am just so very happy that you are back with us again. I have missed you. Please know I am here for you anytime. Love, Tammy

09-09-2006, 09:42 AM	#10
Doraine Trusted Servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Lansford, PA Posts: 1,308	I was a rageaholic for many years while I was drinking. My anger was only a little better when I got sober. Years into sobriety I became depressed and suicidal although I made no attempt to end my life. My anger caused me to blame my daughters for my state of mind. My daughters stopped talking to me while I was still in the hospital. After that I was able to overcome my anger and stopped getting into arguments. I stopped being a victim of my moods. I've been in treatment for bipolar disorder since early sobriety and I think that helped in keeping me from going to the extreme in moods. Today I don't have a hair trigger temper.