Healing wounds

[janbear]

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Clean42day
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Age: 3
Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 302


Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 10:20 am Post subject: Healing wounds

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UNTIL TODAY - IYANLA VANZANT

I open my heart and mind to be aware…that I cannot hurt for someone more than they hurt for themselves.

How do you assist a wounded person when they do not realize, or are not willing to admit that they are wounded? We are talking about mental, emotional, and spiritual wounds. We are talking about internal wounds that drain the life force and cripple the spirit. We are talking about wounds that you can recognize because they are so much like your own. The wounds that you are healing or have healed. The kind of wounds that at one time you were not aware of or were not willing to acknowledge. The wounds that are so fresh in your memory that you recognize them when you see them on the soul of another. You can see their pain. Sometimes you can feel their pain. You can tell that their pain is the result of suppressed anger or imbedded remorse. You know they are suffering but , unfortunately, they do not agree with you or will not admit it to you.
when you see a wounded person, you want to ease their pain. You do everything you know how to do and you offer to do more, you know they will feel better if they would just open up. If they would lay their burdens down. When you point out their pain, they deny it. when you ask them about their pain, they ignore it. your awareness of their suffering is causing you to suffer. You want to put an end to the suffering but you just don’t know what to do. Here’s a suggestion.
Do your very best not to push a wounded person beyond where they are willing to go. Honor their boundaries. Honor their choices. It is important to realize that your only responsibility is to trust that when they are ready to be healed, they will be healed.
Until today, you may have believed it was your duty to take other people out of their misery. Just for today, be aware that every living being has the capacity to do what they need to do when they are ready to do it.

TODAY I AM DEVOTED TO SEEING EVERYONE AS CAPABLE OF ELIMINATING THEIR OWN SUFFERING!

Until Today - Iyanla Vanzant.


_________________
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from now and make a brand new ending"
~Carl Bard



janbear
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Age: 43
Joined: 02 Dec 2005
Posts: 3409


Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 10:43 am Post subject:

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I really like this writing. I remember back when i was pushed myself, and i wasnt ready, willing to face, or admit my own woundedness. When i started admitting my own woundedness and facing a little at a time, things progressed some for me. But i had several friends who were recovering from abuse also, who had good intentions of helping me, but my some of walls went back up as a result of them pushing way to hard. That proved a bit of a hindrance to me. My boundaries were not respected, so my boundaries turned into walls It was to be some time later after i moved away from the friends and getting a new counselor that i was able to let those walls slowly come down again and build some healthy boundaries, and then i was able to start healing again as i needed to and not how others wanted me to. So i learned from my own experiences with this.

Quoteo your very best not to push a wounded person beyond where they are willing to go. Honor their boundaries. Honor their choices. It is important to realize that your only responsibility is to trust that when they are ready to be healed, they will be healed

I try to live by this today. I dont want to do with someone else what was done with me. It wasnt good for me so i dont believe it can be good for another. Each person will heal in their own time.
Thanks for posting this, Gail, it prompted me to reflect on past experience. And i was able to share something that i had not thought about in a long time. And it reminds me of how i want to continue to be in regards to others own healing today.


_________________
"I am lighthouse rather than lifeboat. I do not rescue, but instead help others to find their own way to shore, guiding them by my example"Modern Affirmation

And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare



free2bunme
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Age: 35
Joined: 06 Dec 2005
Posts: 1066
Location: atlanta, georgia

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 10:54 am Post subject:

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Quoteo your very best not to push a wounded person beyond where they are willing to go. Honor their boundaries. Honor their choices. It is important to realize that your only responsibility is to trust that when they are ready to be healed, they will be healed.

this is so important.


_________________
I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing. John 15:5

He that getteth wisdom loveth his own soul: He that keepeth understanding shall find good. Proverbs 19:8

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18



Clean42day
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Age: 3
Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 302


Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 11:22 am Post subject:

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I got a call for help from a friend I hadn't seen in four years. At one time we were very close and had gone through a program together and ended up in the same womens sober living home for 4 months. I left that home and relapsed and she left a couple months later with a man.

Now she is back with 3 months clean and has asked me to sponsor her.

Her and I share many of the same incest "issues" except that hers are much more severe than mine.

in the meantime, I have worked on mine through the steps and with a therapist and have broken through a very deeply ingrained pattern. It no longer rules my life and I have found a freedom I have never felt before.

she on the other hand has not and is still caught in the loop of pain and very unhealthy behavior by perpatrating and re-inacting her abuse with every man she comes in contact with.

years ago when we were in that sober living....the owner of the house, who has 10 years clean and sober, has a habit of approaching the new comers who have not paid rent, or cannot pay rent, and offering them to option to have sex with him in trade for the rent. I recognized him as a sexual predator and refused. She on the other hand told me she had refused but lied and did it anyway.

I know this sounds really sick and this person should not own a sober living home....but it is a well known fact that he has sex addiction issues I won't even go into how sad, sick and twisted I think he is, but the point is that it is possible to live there with clear boundaries. unfortunatley many of the ladies new to recovery don't have the boundary skills, are in a lot of fear, are vulnerable, and fall into the victim trap he sets.

This is what my dilemma is: She not only moved back in there.....this time when he approached her.....she moved from his sober living into His real home to live with him. Now she recognizes she has made a mistake and I can't even go into all the implications that this does to her and feeds straight back into "all of her sexual abuse issues" and invalidates her worth ect.

this is the point she called me at and asked me to sponsor her.

she is not only the victim in this little drama....she is also the perpatrator too. she learned at a very young age (thanks to her father how to manipulate men) to get her needs met. These two people fit together like a lock and a key and are feeding eachothers sickness. and Yes I can recognize that....because I used to do it myself. That is the pattern I broke through this past 3 years and have come out the other side a better person for it. But she is just now learning how she is taking control of her own abuse from the past and now perpatrating herself.

How do I help this person? Am I too close to be of any real value? She is also going to SARS (Sexaul Assult Recovery Survivors) to the same therapist I had. which is the best move she has made for her recovery.

I know that as a sponsor I am only suppose to take her through the steps as they relate to drug addiciton. But this incest/sexual addiction stuff is the exact reason she relapses. Her value and worth depends so thoroughly on how well she can please a man.....by taking that skill away....she is lost, she never learned any different. and I can't blame her for not knowing better.

my first suggestion to her....is exactly what was suggested to me.....STAY OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS for the first year. and give herself some time to begin to heal....and yes that means being willing to become sexually celebate too. it has taken me 3 years to get to the point where I can validate my own worth without male attention, sex, flirting and ect. She is at the beginning stages of healing......I am on the other side of freedom from many of the patters we all share.

At the same time that I am sponsoring her....I do not want to interfere with the stages of her therapy....it is not something that can be rushed and because I just came from where she is at.....she is a mirror for me.

I wish I could just magically snap my fingers and show her a glimpse of what her life could look like a year from now. But I cannot.....it is her process, her path, and her work. and If I were to give her all the answers it would be dishonoring her process of discovery.

I am just so close to the situation....I am wondering if I am the right sponsor for her?

she is such a people pleaser....I am also wondering if i run the risk of her lying to me.....just to gain my approval?

This is scary for me......I feel God put her back in my path for a reason....and I hope I can fulfill that reason

either way.....I know one thing for sure.....she is going to make me grow in a whole new way too.

all I really know for sure....is that I can love her through all this until she learns to love herself.

just venting

thanks for listening

light and love

Gail


_________________
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from now and make a brand new ending"
~Carl Bard