It Seems I am Not Indestructible! - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

GG.Scottsdale · 09-18-2006, 10:05 PM

Well, I guess I am destructible after all. I've spent my whole life trying to make myself safe. As an adult, I worked even harder at that. As it turns out nothing I could do; work harder, work smarter, get a tons of college degrees, would ever give me the safety I am looking for. Finally it happened. I virtually shut down and disconnected from my life.

I've spent the past few weeks literally rethinking everything. What happened. But then a really good friend sat down and had a talk with me about it all. I described a situation where I was working harder than I ever had; where I was the company yes-man. Eventually was too much to handle and I shut down. My friend's reply to me was, "wow I thought you were done with all that people pleasing."

Then it hit me, I had slipped right back into my ACA dysfunction. I had spent hundrends of hours at work; saying yes to everyone; trying to make myself feel safe. Wow did that backfire.

So in short, I learned was ACA has taught me; ya gotta keep coming back. Adult Children issues are never cured they are just managed. So you gotta keep working the program to keep it working for you.

I am new here to cyber recovery....I hope the activity picks up on this thread it seems like a really good place to share ideas. So, everyone join in and share. Let's see if we can get this going strong.

Peggyannvt · 09-18-2006, 10:14 PM

Yes, I may always have problems with control issues but hopefully, I will notice them sooner

Welcome home

GG.Scottsdale · 09-18-2006, 10:23 PM

Peggyann,

Like you I have serious control issues. I try to "manage" everything so the world feels like a safe place. It is funny, the more I reachout the better I feel.

-GG

Doraine · 09-19-2006, 12:44 PM

&

GG! Glad to meet you. I'm a recovering alcoholic and ACOA.

*clean42day* · 09-19-2006, 01:07 PM

Hey GG....I can relate....to the people pleasing and trying to keep ourselves safe. Once in recovery I flew to the opposite side of the scale....being contra dependent....pretending like I didn't care of need anyones approval. That didn't work either. All I managed to do was keep people out of my life. both extremes were emotionally painful and both extremes were still living in the problem.

staying in a healthy balance in the middle....has been my goal for some time now....and you are right it is alot of work.

something someone said here: "pleasing God is healthy"

and you know what?.....sometimes just "being" pleases God and we don't have to do anything but be his child and let him re-parent us with his love.

What a wonderful thought.

Yes we must always stay aware of our issues or they will creep back in to sabatage our "todays" but at the same time we must also live in the solution to the best of our abiltiy.

I gave my parents back to God a long time ago and adopted a spiritual parent that I now look to...to help me re-parent myself.

sure does help when I don't allow "People power" to rule my life and seek a higher power instead.

I am still learning how to "rest in God" and allow him to surround me with his protection, light, and love.

GG.Scottsdale · 09-19-2006, 03:33 PM

That was an awesome post Clean42day. It really gave me alot of hope and alot of things to think about. I really liked your idea of a spiritual parent to help you reparent yourself. What a calming thought.

I am a very rational person; I guess all ACOAs are. What is difficult for me is moving from rational to faith in letting go of control. Like you I could easily go the other way. But also like you, I think that is probably not the best thing to do; it is just a different problem.

The good news is I feel better knowing there are people out there like you that I can communicate with and the security of knowing that those people understand where I've been, what I am going through, and what hopes I have for the future.

How long have you been in recovery?

GG.Scottsdale · 09-19-2006, 03:40 PM

Doraine, thanks for the great welcome. I helps so much knowing there are people out there who are still human. The world just feels so cruel sometimes.

It feels good to know there are "real" "human" people out there. In the past, I've surrounded myself with what I thought were healthy people. But all I did was surround my with people who didn't talk about their feelings; and people who showed no emotion, sympathy, compassion, etc. How lonely is that.

How long have you been recovering Doraine?

fibiray · 09-20-2006, 02:17 AM

Hi there gg I am in I guess what you would term as early recovery of acoa but have been a sober alcoholic for nearly 18yrs. I can so relate to the people pleasing and the fear of speak up. This is an issue that i have been addressing recently. Feeling safe is a biigie for me particularly since I not only had the unpredictability of growing up in an alcoholic home but there was also physical abuse involved too. I have a tendency to fear speaking up for fear of the reaction in others or how they will percieve or view me. Welcome aboard and make yourself at home.

Fi

09-18-2006, 10:05 PM	#1
GG.Scottsdale Back on Track...ACOA Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4	It Seems I am Not Indestructible! Well, I guess I am destructible after all. I've spent my whole life trying to make myself safe. As an adult, I worked even harder at that. As it turns out nothing I could do; work harder, work smarter, get a tons of college degrees, would ever give me the safety I am looking for. Finally it happened. I virtually shut down and disconnected from my life. I've spent the past few weeks literally rethinking everything. What happened. But then a really good friend sat down and had a talk with me about it all. I described a situation where I was working harder than I ever had; where I was the company yes-man. Eventually was too much to handle and I shut down. My friend's reply to me was, "wow I thought you were done with all that people pleasing." Then it hit me, I had slipped right back into my ACA dysfunction. I had spent hundrends of hours at work; saying yes to everyone; trying to make myself feel safe. Wow did that backfire. So in short, I learned was ACA has taught me; ya gotta keep coming back. Adult Children issues are never cured they are just managed. So you gotta keep working the program to keep it working for you. I am new here to cyber recovery....I hope the activity picks up on this thread it seems like a really good place to share ideas. So, everyone join in and share. Let's see if we can get this going strong.

09-18-2006, 10:14 PM	#2
Peggyannvt Al-anon, ACOA Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Vermont Posts: 50	Yes, I may always have problems with control issues but hopefully, I will notice them sooner Welcome home __________________ LOVE Peggyann

09-19-2006, 01:07 PM	#5
clean42day Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Lancaster CA Posts: 1,770	Hey GG....I can relate....to the people pleasing and trying to keep ourselves safe. Once in recovery I flew to the opposite side of the scale....being contra dependent....pretending like I didn't care of need anyones approval. That didn't work either. All I managed to do was keep people out of my life. both extremes were emotionally painful and both extremes were still living in the problem. staying in a healthy balance in the middle....has been my goal for some time now....and you are right it is alot of work. something someone said here: "pleasing God is healthy" and you know what?.....sometimes just "being" pleases God and we don't have to do anything but be his child and let him re-parent us with his love. What a wonderful thought. Yes we must always stay aware of our issues or they will creep back in to sabatage our "todays" but at the same time we must also live in the solution to the best of our abiltiy. I gave my parents back to God a long time ago and adopted a spiritual parent that I now look to...to help me re-parent myself. sure does help when I don't allow "People power" to rule my life and seek a higher power instead. I am still learning how to "rest in God" and allow him to surround me with his protection, light, and love. __________________ Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from today and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard~ "Live today fully, expressing gratitude for all you have been, all you are right now, and all you are becoming." Melodie Beattie

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09-18-2006, 10:23 PM	#3
GG.Scottsdale Back on Track...ACOA Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4	Peggyann, Like you I have serious control issues. I try to "manage" everything so the world feels like a safe place. It is funny, the more I reachout the better I feel. -GG

09-19-2006, 12:44 PM	#4
Doraine Trusted Servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Lansford, PA Posts: 1,308	& GG! Glad to meet you. I'm a recovering alcoholic and ACOA.

09-19-2006, 03:33 PM	#6
GG.Scottsdale Back on Track...ACOA Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4	That was an awesome post Clean42day. It really gave me alot of hope and alot of things to think about. I really liked your idea of a spiritual parent to help you reparent yourself. What a calming thought. I am a very rational person; I guess all ACOAs are. What is difficult for me is moving from rational to faith in letting go of control. Like you I could easily go the other way. But also like you, I think that is probably not the best thing to do; it is just a different problem. The good news is I feel better knowing there are people out there like you that I can communicate with and the security of knowing that those people understand where I've been, what I am going through, and what hopes I have for the future. How long have you been in recovery?

09-19-2006, 03:40 PM	#7
GG.Scottsdale Back on Track...ACOA Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 4	Doraine, thanks for the great welcome. I helps so much knowing there are people out there who are still human. The world just feels so cruel sometimes. It feels good to know there are "real" "human" people out there. In the past, I've surrounded myself with what I thought were healthy people. But all I did was surround my with people who didn't talk about their feelings; and people who showed no emotion, sympathy, compassion, etc. How lonely is that. How long have you been recovering Doraine?

09-20-2006, 02:17 AM	#8
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	Hi there gg I am in I guess what you would term as early recovery of acoa but have been a sober alcoholic for nearly 18yrs. I can so relate to the people pleasing and the fear of speak up. This is an issue that i have been addressing recently. Feeling safe is a biigie for me particularly since I not only had the unpredictability of growing up in an alcoholic home but there was also physical abuse involved too. I have a tendency to fear speaking up for fear of the reaction in others or how they will percieve or view me. Welcome aboard and make yourself at home. Fi