What is Co-dependency?

[clean42day]

Definitions of Codependency on the Web:
A set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members to survive in an emotionally painful and stressful environment. These behaviors are passed on from generation to generation whether alcoholism is present or not.
www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/dc/caz/suba/alco/glossary.jsp

Co-dependency is a psychological condition in which someone exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for other people's struggles.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

What does co-dependency look like:

Philip St. Romain


Essential Symptoms of Codependency
Three types of codependents
1. Caretakers--relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.�
2. Romance~relationship addiction--must be in a “relationship� and be “special� to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use caretaking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship.
“You’re no one unless someone loves you.�
3. Messiah complex--savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable.
“If I don’t do it. it won’t get done.�

Symptoms of codependency
1. External-referenced on other person or people.
2. Tries to control behavior of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behavior.
3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.
4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.
5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.
6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.
7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.
8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity.
9. Lack of assertiveness.: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behavior in others.
10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.

Problems often related to codependency
1. Other addictions--codependents use drugs, shopping, food, TV to cope with feelings. The majority of addicts--even alcoholics-- are codependents. Recovery from other addictions is jeopardized if codependency is ignored. As long as one is codependent, one is in the addictive process.
2. Neuroses and psychoses--mental health problems with their own specific symptomology and dynamics may develop out of codep.
3. Physical health problems--stress reduces effectiveness of Immune system to fight off diseases.

What is Codependency?Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts. Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Codependency.

Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency:
Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy are evident in many codependents.

Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.

Read about the characteristics and symptoms of codependency.

More about Codependency: The following excerpt from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)

"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.

Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."

Symptoms of Codependency: Inability to know what "normal" is.
Difficulty in following a project through.
Difficulty having fun.
Judging self, others without mercy.
Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.

(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")

Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.
Feelings of being different.
Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)
Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
Hypersensitivity to criticism.
Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
Confusion between love and pity.
Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
Rigidity and need to control.
Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?
Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?
Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?
Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

Books to read:

Codependent No More: Melody Beattie

Beyond Codependency : And Getting Better All the Time -- Melody Beattie; Paperback

Facing Codependence : What Is Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives -- Pia Mellody, et al; Paperback

Boundaries : Where You End and I Begin -- Anne Katherine; Paperback

or go to this website and find some more:
http://www.recovery-man.com/books/codependency.htm

information can be found at: http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm

[clean42day]

Codependency Recovery:
Recovery from Codependency is deep work based on shifting our relationship with ourselves. We may have to let go If the people in our lives are unwilling to work through their issues. "Firing" the people we were codependent with may be a part of that, but remember - codependency is about us, not them! Recovery from codependency involves learning to take responsibility for our own actions, feelings behavior, issues and lives.

Codependents have as much difficulty accepting their powerlessness over people and events as alcoholics / addicts have regarding their powerlessness over their drug of choice. (Many treatment modalities approach codependency as an addiction to control and / or caretaking.) Ongoing therapy and a twelve step program (CODA meetings) are highly advised. Melody Beattie's Codependent No More is recommended reading, as is her book The Language of Letting Go.

Letting go of the need to control people, places and events is difficult, but will ultimately set us free of our self-defeating patterns, shame and fear. The investment in caretaking / control take a lot of our energy - letting that go frees our energy for more productive uses.

GOOD BOUNDARIES ARE VITAL TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.
Addicts and codependents typically have very unhealthy interpersonal boundaries. Those of us raised in dysfunctional families often find the concept of healthy boundaries to be a revelation in our recovery. No is a complete sentence. No. No. No. (Kinda liberating isn't it!)

Recommended readings on boundaries:
Boundaries : When to Say Yes When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry, Dr. Cloud, John, Dr. Townsend; Hardcover

Boundaries Workbook : When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life - Henry Cloud, John Townsend; Paperback

Boundaries With Kids : When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Help Your Children Gain Control of Their Lives - Henry Cloud, John Townsend; Hardcover

SIGNS OF UNHEALTHY INTERPERSONAL BOUNDARIES:
1. Telling all.

2. Talking at an intimate level at the first meeting.

3. Falling in love with a new acquaintance.

4. Falling in love with anyone who reaches out.

5. Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied.

6. Acting on the first sexual impulse.

7. Being sexual for your partner, not yourself.

8. Going against personal values or rights to please others.

9. Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries.

10. Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries.

11. Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don't want.

12. Touching a person without asking.

13. Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.

14. Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.

15. Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.

16. Letting others direct your life.

17. Letting others describe your reality.

18. Letting others define you.

19. Believing others can anticipate your needs.

20. Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.

21. Falling apart so someone will take care of you.

22. Self-abuse.

23. Sexual and physical abuse.

24. Food and chemical abuse.

This list provided by Recovery.org.

[clean42day]

find a meeting, 12 step literature, and more info....

http://www.codependents.org/

[SADWIFE]

Thank you i never realized i was codependant until i read this. maybe now i can learn to be me instead of a drug addicts wife.

[ChristinaK]

I learned fairly early in recovery that I also had a serious problem with co-dependency... and most likely at the core of my alcoholism and drug addiction I was co-dependent.. ff years later I realize I still have some work to do, but it's ok.

I'm a co and need alanon as much as I need AA.

I much appreciate you posting this list of symptoms.

[naturelvr45]

I've just discovered that once you're a co-dependent just like a substance abuser you're always one! After much therapy I thought I was fixed and along 7 years it's reared it's ugly head again - or let's just say it's taken me this long to notice.....it took a brick falling on my head (husband asking me for a divorce)

So, back in therapy again - and forever!

This is a horrible disease to have - extremely painful!

[MrSam]

I am new to this group. I am so co-dependant that this weekend I created so much chaos. Rejection fuels me and I push and push the people I love to leave me. I somehow validate his or her leaving by telling myself, I knew he or she was going to leave. I became a foster parent and adopted two of my boys. I just took guradianship of one of my son's friends who is on probation. I am raising my oldest fosters sons baby and claim him as my grandchild. I am co-dependent times 10. My dad was an alcoholic, my mother abandoned me and I am now seeking some relief because I am tired of feeling alone.

Well thanks for listening...

I am brand new today and I think I am an alcoholic but kind of as a result of being chronically codependent in that I stayed with a man who was chronically addictive for over a decade and still feel guilty that I wasn't able to help him, combined with feeling incredibly angry and resentful. it was interesting to read all that about codependents because I could relate to all of it. Until I took refuge in the bottle an gambling my place was like a refuge for all the lost and lonely. I can't believe the stuff I accepted and put up with. Then i started drinking an gambling and that seemed to be the only way I could get some space! Now I realise I might have been sicker than all the people i was "helping". My mum had a mental illness, I always felt guilty and responsible, sometimes I fear I always will. By the way, Mr Sam, I think you're amazing taking all those kids on. I don't know if that's codependent, I kind of think you must be pretty unselfish and have a pretty big heart. i aspire to be somebody like you! I was just bowled over reading that message! Mind you, maybe you shouldn't listen to another codependent - it might be like an anorexic saying to a biafran, "Wow, if only I could be so skinny!" Still, I dont think it's always unhealthy to help others. The difference you've made to those kids lives is possibly unimaginable to you!

[teach460]

I am new to this. My husband is an addict. He told me to find a meeting. Here I am. He cheated on me with an addict form the rooms. We have all talked. and he says that he wants to stay married. Thats Cool. But, I feel like I am stuck in the middle for some reason. They keep communicating. He called me this morning and told me basically, I came down to hard on the other woman, everyone think that she has picked up again since. I'm am very sorry, but she knew that he was married. I do not feel responsible for her relaspe. I have gone to one Naranon meeting. This is all new to me so I don't know how I should be reacting.

[john oarc]

I came from a broken home, my parents fought for years and at the end of the second grade they divorced. When I was eight I was molested by my friends father and from that point my life spun out of control. My father introduced me to porn at an early age and both of my parents had childhood issues that directed their lives to the point that I was considered a second class citizen in the relationship.... they went their own way looking for their next partner in life and I felt left out and unloved.

I never felt good enough or smart enough to take a chance at life and I settled for what I could get. I reluctantly joined the military and began taking some college classes, its like the deserving child in my inner being knew I deserved and could accomplish anything I put my mind to but the molested unloved child ruled and kept me back.

I met and married an emotional reck of a woman and this act became my fix, my drug of choice. The more messed up she became the more confidence I gained and soon I found myself on top of the world except for this ball and chain for a wife dragging me down. Her problems made me feel larger than life but I soon found that I needed the chaos to be alive. I thought I loved her and I did not know she had so many problems until after we married but I now know it all happened the way it did becuase of my codependency. I never thought I could be enough for the women I longed for or felt attracted to so I married a woman who was fairly attractive (not my type exactly) and had issues, she did not challenge my insecurities and that is why I felt comfortable with her, she was more like a friend helping me build myself up to make it to the next level.

Years later I gained a degree and a high paying job and found myself addicted to porn, she was never enough for me sexually (so I thought) so I told her I would not cheat physically but I would have to relieve tention and the only way I knew to do this was to use porn (thanks to my fathers Porn 101 classes) This is so crazy looking back at it all and I know many of you can see through this like looking at simple math problems but just hang with me here and I will finish the intro and get to the healing part soon.

It did not take long for her to begin seeking attention from others and she soon had an affair, I caught her and we went through all the crap that comes with it. Marriage therapists and all the things we should have done so many years earlier came into play and I was basically told I should attend a CODA meeting. This was over ten years ago by the way; I attended the meeting and laughed at them never returning, feeling more confident that I was not a codependent as I went home to resume control over my wife and continue the martyr lifestyle I had learned to love.

Over the last ten plus years after I cancelled the divorce and we began searching our souls for the demons I came to realize that I am the poster child for Codependency. I used her to work out my issues as she used me to work out hers and staying together and facing the pain of the porn for her and the affair for me we became living breathing adults. She faced fatherless daughter syndrome from her ETOH addict father and her fear driven, low self esteem mother who left her at home alone at age eight or so and I faced the molestation and my parents lack of nurturing, low self esteem.....

We made it, we are still working daily on it but with the help of therapy and self help books, the internet and most importantly, Jesus, we are taking it one day at a time and living.

The issue I am dealing with now has everything to do with the first part of this long intro. I still feel like I am not with the person I should have been with, my heart longs for a certian type of woman, the one I would not have had the strength to carry a conversation with ten years ago. My question is; Codependency is living or gaining self worth from things, people... around you, like a vampire draining life from others to exist. Am I still suffering from codependency or am I trying to fulfill the desires of the past? Am I feeling like I missed my chance at getting what I wanted becuase now I know I did not have the self esteem to go after the best or am I trying to build myself through codependency again; trying to find a better looking better person to complete me, make me exist? Sorry but I cant explain this part well.

Hope this helps someone and in turn I hope someone can offer advise.


John O