Checklist of things they didn't tell me when I signed up for the Parent Corps

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I consider myself an older and wiser parent because I am no longer a
'newbie' still getting sucked in by marketing that claims I need a Diaper
Genie to be a good mommy.

Therefore, I feel qualified to look back on those early days of parenting
and draw up a checklist of things they didn't tell me when I signed up for
the Parent Corps.

No one ever told me that I'd learn to dive like an Olympic distance swimmer
every time my little ones reached for an electrical outlet.

No one told me that for every child I'd had. I'd adopt at least two more
from the neighborhood. Where do these kids keep coming from? They can't all
be mine!

No one ever told me that popsicles and cookies were kid magnets and that
every time I'd open my front door to treat my kiddos there would be a line
forming that went around the block.

No one ever told me that it would cost ten dollars an hour for somebody to
watch the kids so I could park my car three streets over and enjoy a bit of
peace.

No one ever told me that the mother who restricted sodas, candy and sugar
cereal when I was growing up would buy these very same things in jumbo
quantities for her grandchildren.

No one ever told me that the silence I prayed for would be the very thing to
keep me up all night nursing a sick kiddo back to health, just to hear the
noise again.

No one ever told me that I'd turn into a miser, hiding secret stashes of
chocolate and treats around the house so there would be something left for
me after the kids went through the cupboards.

No one ever told me how much fun it would be to disagree with the teacher or
principal simply because I can now that I'm an adult.

No one ever told me that the kids would one day outgrow the imaginative and
make-believe aspects of holidays but I wouldn't.

No one ever told me that parenting would be the toughest job I'd ever love.

(Adapted)

By Lisa Barker is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her latest
book is 'Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane ... Doesn't Mean You Are A
Bad Parent!