Dr. Steves online book for parents.........

[clean42day]

Chapter 1
Just the Facts, Ma’am
T
The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking
new landscapes but in having new eyes.
-Marcel Proust

Did you know that:
• A child who reaches age 21 without smoking, abusing
alcohol, or using drugs is virtually certain never
to do so.
• A child who begins drinking before age 15 is four
times more likely to develop alcohol dependence
than those who begin drinking at age 21.
• More than 40 percent of children who begin drinking
before age 13 will develop alcohol abuse or alcohol
dependence at some time in their lives.
• Alcohol is a contributing factor in the top three
causes of death among teens: 1) accidents, 2) homicide,
and 3) suicide.
• The likelihood that your child will try drugs dramatically
increases during the year that he/she transitions
from elementary school to middle school or
junior high.
• The average age at which teens start using tobacco
is 12.
• The average age at which teens start drinking is
almost 13.
• The average age at which teens start smoking pot
is 14.
• By the 8th grade, 52 percent of teens have consumed
alcohol, 41 percent have smoked cigarettes,
and 20 percent have used marijuana.
Think for a minute. Ask yourself, “Why is it that out of all
of the facts that I could have shared with you, I chose the
above?� What relevance do they have to your child’s emotional
and physical well-being? How might these facts reflect your
concerns about your child?
Here’s what the research tells us. Teens who smoke cigarettes
are more likely to drink alcohol. Teens who smoke and
drink are more likely to use marijuana. And those who use all
three are more likely to use other illicit drugs. Use of illicit
drugs such as underage drinking, marijuana, and inhalants can
result in social consequences (e. g., failing in school) and physical
consequences such as reduced stamina and fitness or damage
to the lungs and brain.
Yet, if you’re like most parents, it’s likely that you can’t
imagine your child downing a six-pack, lighting up a joint,
smoking crack, snorting heroin, or taking a hit of ecstasy. But
research tells us that whereas only 20 percent of parents think
their kids may have been offered illicit drugs, 53 percent of
teens report having been offered an illicit substance.
Think about that! How do you explain the disconnect
between parents’ perceptions of what their children are
exposed to and their children’s reality? Could it be that some
parents:
• Minimize the likelihood of their child being exposed
to alcohol and other drugs?
• Rationalize the likelihood of their children being
exposed to drugs and alcohol by saying that, “it can
never happen to us?�
• Bury their head in the sand about the likelihood that
their child may consume alcohol and other drugs?
Just the Facts, Ma’am
5
• Blindly hope for the best?
• Feel overwhelmed about how to help their teen navigate
the dangerous waters of adolescence?
• Abdicate responsibility for their children’s emotional
well-being to schools and other community resources?
• Feel discouraged and defeated and so have given up?
The facts are the facts, and they beg to be paid attention to.
The Monitoring the Future Study, an ongoing national study
of the behaviors, attitudes, and values of teens and young
adults in America reports trends in substance use and abuse.
Some highlights of the latest data from that study follow.
Alcohol
• 21.5 percent of 8th grade students report current
alcohol use, this percentage increases to 39 percent
of 10th grade students and nearly 50 percent of
12th grade students.
• Among 12th grade students, 30 percent report consuming
five or more drinks in a row in the two
weeks prior to the survey.
• 3 million children ages 14 through 17 are regular
drinkers who already have a confirmed alcohol
problem.
• 40 percent of children who begin drinking before
the age of 15 will become alcoholics at some point
in their lives.
Tobacco
• Over one-fifth of 12th grade students report smoking
tobacco cigarettes daily.
6
Illicit Substances
• 54 percent of adolescents tried an illicit substance by
the time they finished high school.
• 29 percent of 12th grade students tried an illicit
substance other than marijuana.
• Ecstasy (MDMA) was the primary drug showing an
increase in use among students in all grade levels.
So what can you do to insure that your child doesn’t
become just another statistic? Believe you me, there’s plenty
that you can do! You can play a decisive role in helping your
children avoid consuming alcohol and other drugs.
You don’t believe me? Well according to the parents, The
Anti-Drug pamphlet—Keeping Your Kids Drug-Free, those
children who’ve learned about the risks of alcohol and other
drugs from their parents are:
• 36 percent less likely to smoke marijuana
• 50 percent less likely to use inhalants
• 56 percent less likely to use cocaine
• 65 percent less likely to use LSD
What can you do to reduce the possibility that your child
will ever try alcohol and other drugs? Here are a few specific
parenting practices confirmed by research to effectively help
to ensure that children develop skills, interests, and activities
that ultimately keep them from getting involved with alcohol
and other drugs.
Just the Facts, Ma’am
7
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Parenting practices to help prevent your child from consuming
alcohol and other drugs.
1) Talk to your child about alcohol and other
drugs. Make sure he understands the dangers and
problems of alcohol and other drugs consumption.
2) Learn to listen to your child. Talking to your
child is only half the job. Help keep open the lines
of communication by knowing how to listen, and
by knowing when to stop talking and listen.
3) Help your child feel good about herself. Your
child is often unsure of herself. Knowing that you
have confidence in her and believe in her self-worth
means a lot. You can communicate this faith in her
by giving lots of specific and believable praise and
encouragement to your child at appropriate times.
4) Help your child develop strong values. A strong
value system anchored in a clear sense of right and
wrong can give your child the courage to make
decisions based on facts and sound values rather
than on peer pressure.
5) Be a good role model. Your child is very aware of
your habits and spoken and unspoken attitudes
concerning alcohol and other drugs. He will tend
to follow your example.
6) Help your child deal with peer pressure.
Children who are taught to be gentle and agreeable
also may need skills to resist peer pressure.
Help her practice ways she can say no and feel confident
about herself and her decisions.
7) Set firm rules against alcohol and other drugs
consumption. Have clear family rules. Tell your
child that he is not allowed to drink, smoke, use
other drugs, or engage in activities to which you
object. Be sure that he thoroughly understands the
consequences of breaking these rules. Enforce the
rules consistently.
8) Encourage healthy, creative activities. Make sure
your child has enough structure in her daily life.
Create activities for her or encourage her to take
part in sports, school programs, or hobbies she
might enjoy. Join your child in having fun.
9) Talk with other parents. They’re going through
the same things you are. Networking with neighborhood
parents and community groups can help.
If your child is going to a party or getting together
with friends, make sure there is a chaperone and
that there will be no alcohol and other drugs.
10) Know what to do if you suspect a problem.
Learn to recognize the telltale signs of alcohol and
other drugs consumption and get appropriate help
quickly from a doctor or other professional.
To learn about more specific practices to follow in order
to raise your child not to use alcohol and other drugs, please
read on.

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Taking Care of Yourself
T
The law of harvest is to reap more than you sow.
Sow an act, and you reap a habit.
Sow a habit and you reap a character.
Sow a character and you reap a destiny.
-James Allen

11
Taking care of yourself. Of all the strategies and techniques
that I suggest in this book, it’s likely that what we discuss
in this chapter may be the most difficult for you to
consistently implement. At the same time, it just may be one
of the most important strategies that you’ll adapt.
Why do I place such an emphasis on parental self-care as an
important deterrent against teen consumption of alcohol and
other drugs? Numerous research studies find an association
between poor parental mental health—particularly that of
mothers who suffer from depression—and poor child adjustment.
This is not surprising. Parents’ mental health affects the
home environment. A parent in poor mental health may be
limited in their ability to provide the kind of nurturing, love,
care, and attention that will enable their child to thrive.
Research also has found that parents with symptoms of poor
mental health tend to provide their children with less emotional
support and to discipline them more harshly.
Now, the act of self-care may seem counter-intuitive to what
you believe good parenting to be; selflessness, taking care of
others, placing the care and maintenance of everyone else in
your family above your own well-being. It’s likely that the
words self-care have the ring of heresy. Yet:
• How can you be there for others if you don’t know
how to be there for yourself?
• How can you invest the necessary time and energy
into your child if you’re chronically running on
fumes?
• How can you attend to the enormous task of guiding
your child through the perplexing and sometimes
dangerous times in which you live without
being whole and grounded within yourself?
• How can you mentor your child if you’re feeling lost
in your own life?
• How can you serve as an emotional anchor for your
child if you’re overwhelmed by your own fears and
anxieties?
Believe me when I tell you, eyes bug out every time I suggest
to a concerned parent that taking care of themselves has
an enormous impact on the well-being of their child. And I
might add, it inevitably is the most difficult step for a parent
to take.
Bridge Builder’s Exercise
1) What does the phrase “taking care of yourself�
mean to you?
2) What does the act of taking care of yourself mean
about you?
3) What role models do you have for how best to take
care of yourself?
4) What judgments do you have about a parent who
takes care of themself?
5) What thoughts do you have about the act of taking
care of yourself that interfere with you taking care
of yourself?
6) What feelings do you have about the act of taking
care of yourself that interfere with you taking care
of yourself?
7) What feelings do you experience when you take
care of yourself?
8) What could you tell yourself that would make the
act of taking care of yourself more comfortable for
you?
9) What concrete actions can you take now in order
to start taking care of yourself?
Self-care means maintaining the health and well-being of
your mind, body, and soul. Self-care is not an intellectually difficult
task to perform. The things I suggest to every parent are
simple, common-sense tasks. The hard part is finding the time
or feeling comfortable putting your well-being first, or asking
for help, or getting the support of other family members.
Here’s a list of ways that you can maintain the health and wellbeing
of your mind, body, and soul.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Steps for self-care.
1) Receive evaluation and treatment for existing medical
and emotional disorders.
2) Receive evaluation and treatment for existing dental
problems.
3) Receive evaluation and education about nutritional
needs.
4) Develop regular eating patterns.
5) Develop regular sleeping patterns.
6) Develop regular exercise regimen.
7) Develop leisure-time interests and activities.
8) Develop regular stress-relieving practices such as
meditation, Aikido, yoga, visualization, walking, or
talking to supportive people.
10) Develop a spiritual practice.
11) Read materials that uplift and inspire you.
12)Create and/or restore a sense of balance to
your life.
Physical Well-being
1) Is your health and well-being negatively impacted
by a physical condition that you’ve neglected?
2) Is your health and well-being negatively impacted
by a physical condition that is being improperly
addressed?
3) Does chronic physical pain compromise your ability
to participate in your life in the manner that you
would like to?
4) Do you ignore preventative measures necessary to
maintain your physical well-being?
5) Do you abuse alcohol and other drugs?
6) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
that you may resolve those conditions that negatively
affect your physical well-being?
Emotional Well-being
1) Are there circumstances in your life that negatively
affect your emotional well-being?
2) Are there unresolved issues that negatively affect
your emotional well-being?
3) Do you repeatedly encounter situations that you
feel unable to cope with emotionally?
Taking Care of Yourself
15
4) Do you repeatedly encounter circumstances that
you are unable to resolve in a way that doesn’t
negatively impact your emotional well-being?
5) Do you feel like you’re emotionally drowning as a
result of your numerous responsibilities?
6) Can you benefit from the help of a trained professional
in regards to a circumstance or situation that
may be negatively affecting your emotional wellbeing?
7) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
that you may resolve those conditions that negatively
affect your emotional well-being?
Nutrition
1) Do you squeeze in meals between other responsibilities?
2) Do you participate in yo-yo dieting?
3) Do you notice when you’re hungry?
4) Do you eat when you’re hungry?
5) Do you eat only when you’re hungry?
6) Do you discipline yourself to eat at regular times
throughout the day?
7) Do you know what you should know about proper
nutrition—which foods you should include in your
food plan and which foods should be eliminated?
8) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
that you may resolve those conditions that negatively
affect your eating habits?
Sleep
1) Do you have a regular pattern of sleep?
2) Do you get a sufficient amount of rest?
3) Do you notice when your body is feeling rundown
or fatigued?
4) Do you adjust your schedule according to the
degree of your physical exhaustion?
5) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
that you may resolve those conditions that negatively
affect your sleep habits?
Exercise
1) Do you have a regular exercise routine?
2) Are you chronically tired from overexercising?
3) Do you participate in exercise that stimulates you
mentally as well as physically?
4) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
that you may resolve those conditions that interfere
with your ability to regularly exercise?
Leisure Time Activities
1) Do you make time for yourself to have fun?
2) Do you participate in activities that enrich and
uplift your life?
3) Do you make time to get together with special
friends and family members?
4) Do you make time to get away from the routine of
your life?
5) Do you make time to read a special book?
6) Do you make time to experience the quiet and
serenity of a special moment?
7) Do you celebrate special occasions with people who
love and honor you?
8) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
Taking Care of Yourself
17
that you may resolve those conditions that interfere
with your ability to enjoy leisure time activities?
Spiritual Practice
1) Do you participate in activities that give your life
meaning and purpose?
2) Do you practice routine and rituals that express
your spiritual beliefs?
3) Do you belong to a spiritual community that
enables you to express your spiritual life in words
and deeds?
4) Do you pray?
5) Do you meditate?
6) Do you sing songs?
7) Do you listen to music?
8) Do you go for long walks?
9) Do you dance?
10) What steps are you willing to commit to take so
that you may resolve those conditions that interfere
with your ability to practice your spirituality?
Keep in mind the following. There are three aspects to taking
care of yourself. The first is alleviating those situations and
circumstances that are compromising your emotional, physical,
and spiritual well-being. The second is taking those steps
that enrich and elevate your emotional, physical, and spiritual
well-being. The third step is the consistent application of those
practices that will maintain your emotional, physical, and spiritual
well-being. Just remember, committing to taking care of
yourself is the first step in committing to take care of your family
members.

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Chapter 3
Connectivity Between
Child and Parent

If there’s love within the family, people can feel safe and secure
and know they are valued.
-Stanley Phillips
21
Another way to influence your child’s choices about the
consumption of alcohol and other drugs is to build a close,
supportive relationship. Research shows that teens are much
more likely to delay consuming alcohol and other drugs when
they feel they have a close, supportive tie with a parent. Studies
reveal that teenagers who report feeling close to their families
were the least likely to engage in risky behavior such as
drinking and smoking marijuana or cigarettes. This finding
supports what a majority of parents believe: that they can teach
their children to view alcohol and other drugs as a serious concern
and influence their children’s decisions about whether or
not to use drugs.
The opposite is also true. When the relationship between a
parent and teen is full of conflict or very distant, the teen is
more likely to consume alcohol and other drugs and develop
drinking and drugging-related problems. This connection
between the quality of the parent-child relationship and a
child’s drinking and drugging habits makes a lot of sense when
you think about it. First, when children have a strong bond
with a parent, they are apt to feel good about themselves and
therefore be less likely to cave in to peer pressure to use alcohol
and other drugs. Second, a good relationship with you is
likely to influence your child to try to live up to your expectations,
because they want to maintain their close tie with you.
Child Trends’ Research Brief, Building A Better Teenager:
A Summary of “What Works� in Adolescent Development, pulls
together the key findings across a broad spectrum of research
to determine the factors that promote positive adolescent
development. Their findings reinforce the importance of the
quality of the child-parent bond. The following are findings
based on an extensive review of research studies done in partnership
with the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation.
1) Parent/child relationships are key to the emotional
and physical well-being of children. In addition,
strong relationships with siblings, peers, and other
adults in their communities can influence teens’
choices and attitudes.
2) Supportive relationships trump lectures that simply
tell teens to do or not to do something as a strategy
to enhance adolescent development.
3) Teens should be treated as whole people, not just
as students, patients, or delinquents.
4) Teens should be viewed as positive members of
their communities, not merely as problems needing
to be solved.
How can you create the type of connectedness between you
and your child that will serve as a preventive influence in
regards to consuming alcohol and other drugs? Here are a few
ideas from my book, Ask Dr. Steve . . . How Can I Build a
Great Relationship with My Children? First, at the heart and
soul of a warm, supportive connection with your child is the
fulfillment of his emotional needs. When you feel lost, when you
feel like you’re at your wits end, when you feel like you have
nowhere else to go with your child, return to this page, this
paragraph, this premise. Your child desperately needs you.
There’s so much that he needs from you. Involvement—
connecting with your child is an active process that never takes
a day off. Acceptance—she needs to feel the warmth of your
forgiveness as she experiments with learning who she is. Openness—
he needs a shoulder to lean on when life becomes overwhelming.
Accountability—she needs to discover The Law of
Congruence, namely, that her words and actions must match.
Discipline—he needs you to tell him how far is too far. Commitment—
she needs to trust that you’ll be there for her
through thick and thin. Love—it’s his drug of choice.
There are two dimensions involved in meeting your child’s
emotional needs. I refer to these two dimensions as your
child’s seeking spirit and your offering spirit. Your child’s seeking
spirit is the very human desire to have her emotional needs
fulfilled. These emotional needs are the goodies she receives
through the manifestation of your offering spirit. Think of
these goodies as nutrients—they’re what enables her to feel
acknowledged, validated, affirmed, and loved. These goodies
come in all shapes and sizes. Appreciation, attention, belonging,
love, nurturance, trust, and understanding are but a few
of the needs that your child is seeking to have fulfilled by you.
Your offering spirit is the energy within you that extends
toward your child in order to fulfill her emotional needs. You
experience the essence of this energy as feelings of love and
responsibility for her well-being. This energy appears in all the
ways you express your love and sense of responsibility for her
emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. It’s like the telephone
commercial, your offering spirit is the energy you tap
into when you reach out and touch somebody. Just how do you
reach out and touch your child with your offering spirit?
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
How to fulfill your child’s emotional needs.
1) Accept your child for who they are rather than
punish them for who they are not.
2) Normalize your child’s feelings.
3) Validate your child’s feelings.
4) Honor rather than argue with your child’s feelings.
5) Create a climate of open communication.
6) Speak without offending and listen without
defending.
7) Encourage your child’s emotional growth and
development.
8) Be a safe person for your child to test their limits.
9) Don’t personalize your child’s words and deeds.
10) Focus on your child’s behavior rather than your
child’s personality.
These simple acts of love are what create and nurture the
link between you and your child. For more specific information
about the above list be sure to read Ask Dr. Steve . . . How
Can I Build A Great Relationship With My Children?
A second rule of thumb in building a strong, nurturing relationship
with your child is to establish a climate of emotional
safety. Simply put, an emotionally safe connection is the gateway
to your child’s soul. Without a climate of trust and safety,
there’s no possibility of establishing a strong, nurturing connection.
It’s just that simple, it’s just that black and white.
There’s only one way I know to create a climate of trust and
safety. Respond rather than react to your child’s feelings. It’s easy
to see why that’s so important. Growing up is a scary, confusing
proposition for the best of us. Your child needs someone
that she can feel anchored to. Experiencing you as emotion-
ally safe provides the necessary grounding for your child to
trust you.
Can you see how trust is such an important element of
emotional safety? You see it’s not enough to encourage your
child to reach out to you, to speak what’s on his mind. You
need to demonstrate that no harm will come his way when he
does express himself. Interacting with your child without judging,
punishing, or physically or emotionally abandoning him
is the bedrock of this tender connection. How best to insure
that your child doesn’t feel judged or abandoned? We’re right
back to where we started—responding rather than reacting. It’s
an absolute must!
Just how do you respond rather than react to your child’s
feelings? There’s a very simple skill that you can develop. I
refer to this skill as speaking to your child’s feelings rather than
arguing with their beliefs. Speaking to your child’s feelings is a
gift of compassion and concern. Speaking to your child’s feelings
demonstrates that you’re connected to what your child is
experiencing at the soul of their being. Linking yourself to
your child’s emotions rather than locking horns with his belief
system expresses that you’re more interested in who they are
rather than trying to shape what they should believe.
Focusing on your child’s feelings rather than engaging their
belief system elevates any discussion you have with him. You
transform the discussion from the battleground of who’s right
and who’s wrong into a discussion of how you understand
what your child is experiencing. It lets him know that he need
not fear a battle of wits with you. More importantly, it provides
an opportunity for him to experience your warmth and love.
Talking to your child’s feelings is an act of profound communication.
Talking to your child’s feelings is an act of
acknowledgement. Acknowledgment is the essence of what

you have to offer your child. Talking to your child’s feelings
is the most powerful and genuine manifestation of your offering
spirit. It’s like turning up the setting of your offering spirit
to twelve on a scale of one to ten. In so doing, you’re pouring
all of your energy of love and affection into your child.
The act of speaking to your child’s feelings accomplishes
more than acknowledging what you understand about what
he’s experiencing. Speaking to your child’s feelings helps clarify
for him what it is that he’s feeling. Do not underestimate
the importance of this to your child’s emotional well-being.
Simply put, your child needs you to help him become aware of
what he’s feeling, and clarify what he’s feeling, so that ultimately,
he’s able to express what it is that he’s feeling.
For more specific information about how to speak to your
child’s feelings, be sure to read chapter 5 of my book, Ask Dr.
Steve . . . How Can I Build a Great Relationship with My
Children?
A final way to build a strong, nurturing relationship with
your child is to affirm who your child is as a person by validating
what your child is feeling. Expressing feelings. Risking
rejection. Staking a claim to what matters most. Daring to venture
down a path that leads to what one desires. Doing wrong
without making oneself wrong. Uncovering a new piece of
Self. Giving birth to an Essence. All of this is done in the dark
shadows of others’ expectations. Rejection risked for the sweet
taste of another human’s acceptance.
That’s the process of emotional development that your
child goes through. Aligning with that process will unlock the
entrance to the world of your child. Nurturing that process
will give your child permission to experiment with life. Honoring
that process will give your child the courage to take risks
with the different pieces of who they are. Facilitating that
process will offer validation to the essence of your child’s
being.
When you validate your child’s feelings, you demonstrate
to her your willingness to see the world through her eyes. It’s
an act of love. This one singular act will melt the barriers that
shut you out of your child’s world.
There’s no greater gift you can offer your child than to validate
who she is as a thinking, feeling, human being. When I
share this sentiment with people, I oftentimes get blank stares.
Other times people argue the point with me. I am often asked
how can I just sit there and agree with someone when I know
they’re dead wrong. My response is that the very question they
ask is the root of the problem.
By validating your child’s feelings, you don’t have to make
your child out to be right or wrong. You’re simply acknowledging
that you understand how life is falling on your child at
that particular moment. You see, this is all about how your
child’s perception of a situation makes her feel, not about your
evaluation of how that situation should make her feel. If you’re
able to accept that, you’re half-way there.
So how do you validate your child’s feelings? We’re back to
your mindset and the choices you have. You can choose to
engage your child in a way that makes her out to be right or
wrong or you can engage her in a kind, supportive, affirming
manner.
Do you get what I mean? If your goal is to create a longlasting
emotional connection with your child, you’ll find that
you’ll need to let go of all the ways you make your child out
to be wrong. Can you identify the ways you may engage your
child in a way that makes you right and him wrong? Imagine
how your relationship might be different with your child if you
were to embrace the spirit of the following. Your child does not
28
want to be argued out of what she thinks or feels. She only wants
you to listen to what she is experiencing in order to support her
efforts to overcome the obstacle(s) that’s in her path.
As I end this chapter, let me state the obvious—skillful parenting
can by no means be condensed into three simple rules
of thumb. At the same time, don’t underestimate the importance
of what we’ve discussed in this chapter. Keep the following
in mind:
• Be mindful of your child’s emotional needs—trust
me, they are.
• Respond to rather than react to your child’s feelings—
believe me, they’re desperate for you to do so.
• Validate rather than argue with your child’s feelings.
Nobody—absolutely nobody—wants to be argued
out of what they’re feeling.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Ways to build a strong emotional bond with your child.
1) Fulfill your child’s emotional needs.
2) Create an emotionally safe environment for them
to express themselves.
3) Talk to rather than argue with your child’s feelings.
4) Validate your child’s feelings.
5) Create an atmosphere of mutual respect.
6) Defuse power struggles and conflict.
7) Set limits.
8) Apply consequences when rules are violated.
9) Provide consistency.
10) Expect and create accountability for behavior.
11) Encourage your child’s emotional development.
12) Enrich your child’s emotional well-being.
13) Establish a rapport of encouragement and support.
14) Establish an effective style of communication.
15)Create a bridge of understanding.
16) Protect your child from the behavioral health risks
associated with growing up.

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Monitoring Your Child

Kids who are not regularly monitored by their parents
are four times more likely to use drugs.
-Partnership for A Drug-Free America

Monitoring your child is yet another way in which you
can influence whether or not your child will consume alcohol
and other drugs. Monitoring your child means knowing:
• Where your child is going.
• What your child is doing.
• With whom your child is going.
• With whom your child is spending time.
• Who are all of your child’s friends.
• Limiting the time your child spends without adult
supervision.
Now it may seem like an overly simplistic suggestion that
you monitor your child’s comings and goings. Or you may
recoil at the suggestion that you micromanage your child’s life.
But listen to the results of a recent survey taken by the Center
on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA).
The CASA study consisted of a series of questions designed
to determine the extent to which parents actively monitored
their child’s activities and established expectations for positive
behavior. By administering these questions, CASA attempted
to measure the presence of three styles of parenting in a household.
The three styles of parenting were referred to as 1)
hands-on parenting, 2) half-hearted parenting, and 3) handsoff
parenting.
The results of the study revealed how parents in the sample
group exercised their parental prerogatives. There were twelve
34
questions administered to measure each respondent’s parenting
style. A hands-on parenting style was present when at least
ten of the actions described, in the twelve questions posed in
the survey, were performed by parents in the household. Halfhearted
parenting was present when parents performed six to
nine of the 12 asked about actions. Hands-off parenting was
present when teens said parents performed five or fewer of the
asked about actions.
Based on the results of CASA’s survey, the following was
determined.
• Only about one-quarter of our nation’s teens (27
percent) live in households where their parents are
hands-on, meaning that they establish rules and
expectations of behavior in their households.
• 55 percent of teenagers live in half-hearted households
where their parents are less consistent in setting
rules and standards of behavior.
• 18 percent live in households with hands-off parents
or absentee parents.
• The risk of alcohol and other drugs use for teens living
with hands-on parents is half what it is for the
average teen.
• The risk of alcohol and other drugs use for teens living
in hands-off households is double the average
teen.
• The risk of alcohol and other drugs use for teens living
in hands-off households risk is four times greater
than for teens in hands-on households.
• The risk of alcohol and other drug use for teens living
in half-hearted households is twice that of teens
in hands-on households.
Monitoring Your Child
35
Clearly, a hands-on parenting style is optimal for ensuring
that your child does not get involved with the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs. So how can you develop a handson
parenting style as measured by the CASA survey? To be
considered a hands-on parent as measured by the CASA survey,
at least 10 of the following 12 must be true.
• Monitor what your child is watching on TV.
• Monitor your child’s use of the Internet.
• Put restrictions on CDs your child may buy.
• Know where your child is after school and during
weekends.
• Be told the truth about your child’s whereabouts.
• Be aware of your child’s academic performance.
• Impose a curfew.
• Make it clear that you would be extremely upset if
your teen consumed alcohol and other drugs.
• Eat dinner with your child six or seven nights a
week.
• Turn the TV off during dinner.
• Assign regular chores for your child.
• Have an adult present when your child comes home
from school.
The most vulnerable time of day for your child is from 4 p.m
to 7 p.m. Your child is at the greatest risk for abusing alcohol
and other drugs during these hours. Call your child’s school to
find out about adult-supervised activities he can take part in
during these hours. Encourage him to get involved with youth
groups, art, or music programs, organized sports, community
service, or academic clubs. Follow up with your child to make
sure he is actually going to the program he has chosen.
36
Although monitoring is an effective protective measure for
your child, it isn’t always easy. If your child readily talks about
what’s going on, then monitoring happens naturally during
the course of events. If it doesn’t, you’ll need to make an extra
effort to facilitate monitoring your child’s day-to-day activities.
To that end, read the following tips from the brochure,
Tips For Raising Drug-Free Teens, developed by MetLife and
Partnership for A Drug-Free America.
Know Where Your Teen Is
Less than half of parents of teens report knowing exactly what
their child does after school. It’s important to know where
your teen is and what they’re doing. Research has shown that
children without adult supervision are at significantly greater
risk of truancy from school, stress, receiving poor grades, risk
taking behavior, and substance abuse.
Sample questions:
• Where will you be this afternoon?
• Where are you going after practice?
Get Your Teen Involved in After-School Activities
Research has shown monthly use of marijuana was less among
youths who participated in team sports compared with those
who did not participate. Find out what adult-supervised activities
interest your teen and help get them involved.
Sample questions:
• What sport interests you most?
• What after-school activities are offered at your
school?
Know Your Teens’ Friends
Research from the Partnership for a Drug-Free America
Monitoring Your Child
37
(PDFA) reports that more than half of teens say they have
close friends who get high regularly. Are these the close friends
your teen hangs out with? Parents should personally know
their teens’ friends—and their parents—as an effort to ensure
their friends are not introducing their teen to drugs. Your teen
might resist giving details, but don’t be discouraged.
Sample Questions:
• Who will be at the party?
• Who are you going to the game with?
Know The Dangers of Drugs
To talk credibly and effectively about the dangers of drugs,
parents need to learn the effects of drugs that teens may be
exposed to. For example, the effects of ecstasy can vary from
depression to severe anxiety, or even death. However only 51
percent of parents report knowing the effects of ecstasy. Parents
need to be credible when addressing the dangers of
drugs—because teens will know when they’re being lied to.
To learn more about the effects of different drugs, go to
www.drugfreeamerica.org/Drug Resource.
Sample Questions:
• Did you know that Ecstasy can cause paranoia and
depression?
• Do you know what can happen if you mix drugs?
Talk With Your Teen
Kids who say they learn a lot about the risks of drugs at home
are up to 50 percent less likely to use drugs. Parents should talk
often, listen regularly, and communicate that they do not want
their kids using drugs. Remember: Your teens are counting on
you to be the grown-up. For tips on what to say, go to chapter
9, What to Teach Your Child About Alcohol and Other Drugs.
Recognize Signs Your Teen is Using Drugs
One of the toughest things about drug use for parents is
that often they cannot detect that their teen might be using
drugs. However, there are some general warning signs you can
watch for.
Signs your teen could be using drugs:
• Change in friends
• Change in sleeping pattern
• Declining grades
• Loss of interest in hobbies or favorite activities
• Lack of motivation
• Hostile and uncooperative attitude
• Unexplained disappearance of household money
Be Pro-Active
Drug use is a choice, but it is a choice you can influence. Teens
report one of the greatest risks related to smoking pot is upsetting
their parents. Parents need to talk with—not at—teens
about the dangers. Monitor your teens’ time, friends, and
activities—even if you don’t think your teen is using drugs.
• Make it very clear that you do not want her to use
alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, or other drugs.
• Find out if he really understands the consequences
of alcohol, tobacco, and other drug use.
• Get to know her friends by taking them to and from
after-school activities, games, the library, and movies
(while being sensitive to her need to feel independent).
• Check in with her friends’ parents often to make
sure you share the same anti-drug stance.
Monitoring Your Child
39
• Volunteer for activities where you can observe him
at school.
• Hold a weekly family meeting to check in with each
other and address problems or concerns.
• Get your kids involved with adult-supervised afterschool
activities.
• Give kids who are unsupervised after school a schedule
of activities, limits on their behavior, household
chores to accomplish, and a strict phone-in-to-you
policy (along with easily accessible snacks).
• Make it easy for your child to leave a situation where
alcohol, tobacco, or other drugs are being used.
• Call kids’ parents if their home is to be used for a
party; get assurance that no alcoholic beverages or
illegal substances will be at the party.
• Set curfews and enforce them.
• Encourage open dialogue with your children about
their experiences.
Bridger Builder’s Checklist
Tips for monitoring your child.
1) Monitor your child’s time, activities, behaviors, and
friendships.
2) Know who your child is spending time with.
3) Know who your child’s friends are.
4) Talk to your child on a daily basis so as to remain
informed about their daily activities.
5) Structure your child’s day-to-day activities so as to
avoid occurrences when your child may be unsupervised
by an adult.
6) Prevent your child’s access to alcohol and other
drugs in your home.
7) Ask questions about where your child is going and
with whom.
8) Check in with the parents of your child’s friends.
9) Invite the parents of your child’s friends to attend
meetings on alcohol and other drugs-related
problems.
10)Create an emotional climate of warmth, acceptance,
and understanding that will develop an
enduring bond of love and belonging in the family.
11) Identify family values and family rules about underage
consumption of alcohol and other drugs. Make
them clear to all family members.
12) Provide information to your children about the
physical, mental, and emotional effects of alcohol
and other drugs.
13) Explain to your child why drug use does not
relieve stress and other negative emotions.
14) Assure your child that you love him.
15) Be responsive to your child’s needs.

[clean42day]

Family Values

Parents’ drinking behaviors and favorable attitudes about
drinking have been associated with adolescents’ initiating and
continuing alcohol use.
-J.A. Andrews

43
As we’ve previously discussed, adolescence is a period of
change. As such, your child will begin to experience a dramatic
transformation: change of schools, change in body, change in
relationships with friends and family, and change in needs and
desires. Adolescence is a time when your child will encounter
life situations that call for thought, decision-making, and
action. Decisions about a variety of circumstances and issues,
including health and lifestyle choices will confront your child
on a daily basis. Some of these circumstances and issues will
be familiar, others new, some of little importance, many of the
greatest importance. But no matter the nature of the circumstance,
no matter its degree of simplicity or complexity, every
choice that your child makes will be based on his consciously
or unconsciously held values.
Just what are values? Values are those principles or beliefs
that serve as guidelines to help us make decisions about circumstances,
behaviors, and life choices. Values reflect what is
and is not important to us. They enable us to judge the rightness
or wrongness of an event, circumstance, and/or behavior.
Values serve as a blueprint for what is and how to take
appropriate action(s).
What role does your family’s values about alcohol and other
drugs play in your efforts to prevent your underage child from
consuming alcohol and other drugs? Your family’s values
about alcohol and other drugs are a statement of how you
wish for your child to think and act when confronted with a
situation involving alcohol and other drugs. According to
research, when a child decides whether or not to use alcohol,
tobacco, and other drugs, a crucial consideration is, “What will
my parents think?� Your family’s values about underage children
consuming alcohol and other drugs are the answer to the
question, “What will my parents think?�
The point is a simple one—your child needs to know what
behaviors you endorse and what behaviors you disapprove of
in regards to the consumption of alcohol and other drugs.
Unfortunately, there are many mixed messages about underage
consumption of alcohol and other drugs. These mixed
messages may confuse your child about what is and is not
acceptable.
For example, tobacco and alcohol advertising encourages
young people to smoke and drink. A double standard also persists
that somehow alcohol and other drugs consumption is
okay when a child is older but not okay when they’re younger.
At the same time the misperception lingers that consuming
alcohol and other drugs causes little if any harm.
That is why your child needs you to articulate what your
family’s values are about alcohol and other drugs. To do so,
it’s critical that you’re clear in your own mind about:
• Your family’s values as they pertain to the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs by underage children.
• Your family’s values as they pertain to the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs by adult family
members.
• The message(s) you communicate with your spoken
word to your child about your family’s values associated
with the consumption of alcohol and other drugs.
• The message(s) you communicate through your
behavior to your child about your family’s values
associated with the consumption of alcohol and
other drugs.
• The message(s) you communicate to your child
when what you say and what you do don’t match.
To help clarify in your own mind, 1) your family’s values
about underage family members consuming alcohol and other
drugs, 2) your family’s values about adult family members consuming
alcohol and other drugs, 3) the mixed messages that
may exist as a result of any discrepancies between your family’s
values about alcohol and other drugs and a family member’s
actual behaviors. Take a few moments and consider the
following exercises. When I use the word, underage, I intend
for underage to refer to younger than the law permits.
First off, let’s examine what your family’s values are in
regards to your underage child consuming alcohol and other
drugs. Does your family have values about what your underage
child can and can’t consume? Does your family have values
about the type of circumstances your child may or may not
consume alcohol and other drugs? Use the following exercise
to help clarify some of the above questions.
Bridge Builder’s Exercise
1) How old should your underage child be before you
allow them to consume alcohol?
2) How old should your underage child be before you
allow them to smoke cigarettes?
3) How old should your underage child be before you
allow them to smoke marijuana?
4) How old should your underage child be before you
allow them to consume prescription medications for
purposes other than what they’re prescribed for?
5) How old should your underage child be before you
allow them to consume illicit drugs?
6) Under what circumstances will you allow your
underage child to consume alcohol and other
drugs? Religious observance? Celebration of special
occasion(s)? Commemorating a rite of passage?
Parties supervised by adults? Occasions that occur
in the privacy of your home? Anytime—“just as
long as I don’t know about it?�
Next, let’s examine what behaviors are sanctioned and what
behaviors are disapproved of for adult members of your family
as it pertains to the consumption of alcohol and other drugs.
Bridge Builder’s Exercise
1) What are your family’s values about adult family
members consuming alcohol and other drugs?
2) In regards to your family’s values, what specific
alcohol and other drugs are endorsed for consumption
by an adult family member?
3) In regards to your family’s values, what specific
alcohol and other drugs are disapproved of for consumption
by an adult family member?
4) What occasions do your family’s values sanction the
consumption of alcohol and other drugs by an
adult family member?
5) What discrepancies exist between what your family’s
values sanction for underage children and what
your family’s values sanction for an adult family
member to consume?
6) How do you explain these discrepancies to your
child?
7) What impact do these discrepancies have on your
child?
It’s critical that you understand how any discrepancy
between your behavior and the family values impacts your
child. Such discrepancies inevitably result in mixed messages
and double standards. These mixed messages convey the idea,
“Do as I say and not as I do.� Yet how effective is such a message?
Think about the following questions so as to better
understand any contradictions that may exist between your
family’s values and your behavior.
Bridge Builder’s Exercise
1) What message(s) does your child receive if and
when they observe you drinking alcohol?
2) What message(s) does your child receive if and
when they observe you smoking cigarettes?
3) What message(s) does your child receive if and
when they observe you smoking marijuana?
4) What message(s) does your child receive if and
when they observe you consuming prescription
medications?
5) What message(s) does your child receive if and
when they observe you consuming prescription
medications for purposes other than what they’re
prescribed for?
6) What message(s) does your child receive if and
when they observe you consuming illicit drugs?
If contradictions occur between a family member’s behavior
and your family’s values concerning the consumption of alcohol and other drugs and an adult family member’s consumption of alcohol and
other drugs?
5) How do you explain to your child any discrepancies
that may exist between your family’s values
about the consumption of alcohol and other drugs
and an adult family member’s consumption of alcohol
and other drugs?
6) What message(s) does any discrepancy that may
exist between your family’s values about the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs and an adult
family member’s consumption of alcohol and other
drugs give to your child?
Once you clarify what your family’s values are concerning
the consumption of alcohol and other drugs, the next step is
communicating those values to each family member. What follows
are some suggestions for how to do this successfully.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Ways to communicate your family’s values to your family members.
1) Identify and communicate values openly.
Identify what values you want your child to
embrace and apply to the living of their lives.
Explain to your child the importance of values such
as honesty, taking responsibility for one’s actions,
acting assertively, and abstaining from the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs. Explain the
importance of choices, and how values can help
your child make good choices. Explain to your
child how choices build on other choices—good
choices lead to other good choices and bad choices
lead to other bad choices.
2) Be mindful of how your choices impact the
development of your child’s value system. Your
child is a keen observer of his environment. He
observes your behavior and often imitates it. It
would not surprise you that children whose parents
smoke are more likely to become smokers. So think
about your own consumption of alcohol and other
drugs and prescription medications. How might
your consumption of alcohol and other drugs influence
the formation of your child’s attitudes towards
their consumption of alcohol and other drugs?
3) Make sure that your words and actions match.
If you tell your child not to lie, are your actions
consistent with that message or do you burden
them with trying to understand the more confusing
message, “Do as I say and not as I do.�
4) Check out with your child her understanding of
what it is that you’re attempting to teach her. Is
it safe to assume that your child understands you
the way that you intend for her to understand you?
You need to continually discuss, clarify, and reinforce
your message in order for you to be assured
that your message is being received the way that
you’ve intended for it to be received. Ask your
child to repeat back to you their understanding of
what you’ve communicated to them. Play what if
with your child by inventing scenarios that test
your child’s application of a value. For instance,
what if the cashier at the drug store mistakenly
gave your child a $10 bill rather than a $1 bill.
What would he do in that situation?
Your family values about alcohol and other drugs articulate
what behaviors each family member should aspire to enacting.
In the next chapter, we’ll examine the subject of rules and consequences.
Rules and consequences are the means by which
you ensure that your child honors the family values.

[clean42day]

Establishing Rules for Your Child

Adolescents drink less and have fewer alcohol-related problems
when their parents discipline them consistently and set clear
expectations about drinking.
-L. Strunin and R. Hingson

55
What I’m about to tell you may be the twelve most
important words written in this book. Your child wants and
needs to understand the rules of their world.
Please, repeat that again:
Your child wants and needs to understand the rules of their
world.
Do you understand the significance about the importance
of rules in your child’s life? Do you understand that your child
needs rules? Rules enable your child to know:
• How to behave acceptably.
• What is expected of them.
• Who is in control.
• Where your child stands with others.
• How far your child can go.
• What happens when your child goes too far.
As important as rules are to the growth and development
of your child, your child is not born with an inherent understanding
of what your rules for acceptable behavior are in general
and alcohol and other drugs in particular. In order for
your child to know what your rules are about alcohol and
other drugs, it’s your job to teach them.
Take a moment and think about the following questions.
Bridge Builder’s Exercise
1) What role do rules about a child’s consumption of
alcohol and other drugs play in influencing
whether or not your child will choose to consume
alcohol and other drugs?
2) How would your child’s decision whether or not to
consume alcohol and other drugs be influenced by
NOT having rules about underage children consuming
alcohol and other drugs?
3) How would your child’s decision whether or
not to consume alcohol and other drugs be influenced
by you NOT expressing to your child rules
about underage children consuming alcohol and
other drugs?
4) How would your child’s decision whether or
not to consume alcohol and other drugs be influenced
by having and expressing to your child rules
about underage children consuming alcohol and
other drugs?
As a parent, you’re responsible for setting rules for your
child to follow. When it comes to alcohol and other drugs,
strong rules need to be established to protect your child’s wellbeing.
Use the following exercise as a means by which you can
formulate your family’s rules about underage family members
consuming alcohol and other drugs.
Bridge Builder’s Exercise
1) What are your rules about a child consuming alcohol
and other drugs?
2) Have you communicated those rules to your child?
3) Have you thought about how you intend to
enforce those rules?
4) Have you clearly communicated to your children
the consequences that will be implemented if those
rules are broken?
Setting rules is only half the job. You must also be prepared
to enforce the consequence when the rules are broken. Using
consequences takes both wisdom and courage. The objective
of a consequence is to allow children to see how their choices
affect their lives rather than to be used as punishment.
Consequences are different from punishment. Punishment
hurts children. It makes them angry. On the other hand, consequences
teach children. They show your child that when she
does certain things, certain things will happen.
Consequences provide clear and definite answers to children’s
questions about what is and is not acceptable. Consequences
are the ultimate teacher of responsibility by holding
your child accountable for their actions.
Enforcing consequences is critical to rule making. When
you make rules that you don’t enforce, your child may get the
idea that you’re not serious about rules. To apply consequences
in an effective manner you should:
• Apply the consequence immediately.
• Apply the consequence consistently from one occasion
to the next.
• Apply the consequence consistently so that all caretakers
of your child respond in a similar manner to a
similar situation.
• Apply the consequence consistently so that what your
child was told would occur as a result of their misbehavior
does occur.
• Apply the consequence so that there is a clearly
defined time limit of short-duration.
Think of the rules you have about your child consuming
alcohol and other drugs. Can you think of an appropriate consequence
that will teach her the importance of following the
rules? Are the consequences you have chosen a reasonable
result of her choices? Do the consequences allow you to avoid
nagging and punishing?
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Steps for setting and enforcing the family rules about
underage children consuming alcohol and other drugs.
1) Be precise.
a) Specifically and clearly articulate what the rules
about alcohol and other drugs are.
b) Explain the reasons for the rules.
c) Explain to your child how they’ll benefit from
following the rules.
d) Tell your child what specific behavior(s) is
expected.
e) Tell your child the consequences of breaking
the rules.
f) Tell your child how the consequences will be
administered.
g) Tell your child how much time will be involved
with the lifespan of the consequences.
h) Tell your child what the enforcement of the
consequence is supposed to achieve.
2) Be committed and consistent. Children test limits,
look for the crack in the plan, and study how
they can get around the rules being set for them.
You need to be consistent in your application of
your family’s alcohol and other drugs rules as they
apply to situations, settings, and with whom your
child is spending time.
3) Be levelheaded. When the time comes to apply the
consequences to your child breaking a rule, you’ll
likely be angry or disappointed at the time. Don’t
use your emotions against your child. This is a time
to be evenhanded in dealing with your child. Don’t
pile on by grounding your child forever. Don’t use
intimidation tactics such as threatening your child.
Be calm. Be fair. Carry out the exact consequences
that you’ve previously discussed with your child.
For more information about rules and consequences, be
sure to read my book, Ask Dr. Steve . . . How Can I Set Limits
for My Children?

[clean42day]

How to Establish Good
Communication
with Your Child

We must be the change we wish to see in the world.
-Mahatma Gandhi
Good communication with your child is another way to
influence whether or not your child will consume alcohol and
other drugs. Research tells us that kids who have good communication
with their parents have a better chance of avoiding
substance abuse. Families with good communication talk
honestly and openly about their feelings and about such problems
as peer pressure, teen pregnancy, and alcohol and other
drugs. Teens who do not consume alcohol and other drugs
usually feel that their parents love them and trust them. They
have had a say in family rules and have been allowed to make
choices appropriate to their ages and abilities.
At the core of good communication is your willingness and
ability to listen to your child. Student surveys reveal that when
parents listen to their child’s concerns and feelings, they feel
more comfortable and are more likely to not consume alcohol
and other drugs. Children who receive lots of love and attention
from parents feel more secure and have a higher sense of
self-esteem. When they confront new or stressful situations,
they’re less likely to turn to alcohol and other drugs and more
likely to discuss the situation with their parents.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Tips for how to listen effectively.
1) Create a climate in which your child feels comfortable.
Your non-verbal cues will send messages
to your child, so consider the position of your chair, the tone of your voice, eye contact, and facial
expressions.
2) Give your child an opportunity to talk. Stop
talking and give your child sufficient time to complete
his or her thoughts and process what has
been said.
3) Demonstrate interest by asking appropriate
questions. Questions can help you clarify your
child’s thoughts and suggestions. Be sure that
you’re interpreting what has been said correctly.
4) Listen to the complete message. Listen to the
total message before forming a response.
5) Encourage your child to talk. Use door-opening
statements (“You seem distracted today . . .� or
“Tell me what is going on . . .�) that invite a
response.
6) Focus on content, not delivery. Avoid being distracted
by your child’s poor grammar, tone, or
manners. It is what is being said that is important.
7) Listen for main ideas. Try to pick out the conversation’s
central theme.
8) Deal effectively with emotionally-charged language.
Be aware of words or phrases that produce
anxiety and trigger emotions.
9) Identify areas of common experience and agreement.
Note similar experiences of your own or
offer a shared point of view to communicate acceptance
and understanding.
10) Deal effectively with whatever blocks you from
listening. Be aware of personal blocks that may
prevent you from hearing what your child is saying.
Get into the habit of talking with your child every day to
establish and maintain good communication with your child.
Building a close relationship with her when she’s young will
make it easier for her to come to you when she has a problem.
With a closer relationship to you, she’ll be less likely to develop
mental health problems and to experiment with alcohol and
other drugs. Here are some more tips for how to establish
good communication with your child.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Ways to establish and maintain good communication with your child.
1) Be willing to listen more and lecture less. Your
child needs to believe that you’re a safe person to
talk to. To enable your child to feel safe coming to
you with their questions and concerns:
a) Listen closely to what your child says.
b) Don’t dump anger or disappointment on your
child about what you may be hearing.
c) If it will help diffuse the feelings being provoked
by the discussion, take a short break until
you and/or your child can settle down.
d) Be attuned not only to what your child is saying
but what your child is NOT saying.
e) Don’t assume a hands-off approach by waiting
for your child to always come to you. Check in
with your child. See how they’re doing. Ask if
there are any problems that they’re wrestling
with that you may be able to help them with.
f) Be available when your child says he needs to
talk to you. Don’t brush him off. Don’t ask him
to wait until there’s a better time for you. If
your child wants to discuss something at a time
you can’t give it your full attention,
explain why you can’t talk, set a time to talk
later, and then carry through on it!
2) Be an encouraging parent. Encourage your children
when they need a little boost to get over the
hump. Praise them for actions that are noteworthy.
Don’t focus exclusively on those things that you
judge to be bad or wrong.
3) Give unambiguous messages. Don’t equivocate.
Don’t hem and haw. Your child looks to you to
provide leadership. Leadership is most effectively
provided by clear messages that don’t create
confusion or double binds of “damned if you
do, damned if you don’t�.
4) Model appropriate behavior. It is critical that you
not only “talk the talk� but “walk the walk�. Make
sure that your own actions reflect the standards of
behavior that you expect from your child.
5) Respond rather than react to your child. For
example: “I am very concerned about...� or “I
understand that it is sometimes difficult...� are better
ways to respond to your child than beginning
sentences with “You should,� or “If I were you,�
or “When I was your age we didn’t...� Speaking
for oneself sounds thoughtful and is less likely to
be considered a lecture or an automatic response.
6) During the conversation, acknowledge what
your child is saying. Move your body forward if
you’re sitting, touch a shoulder if you’re walking,
or nod your head and make eye contact.

[clean42day]

to Your Child About
Alcohol and Other Drugs

Tell me and I forget. Show me and I remember.
Involve me and I understand.
-Proverb

69
Knowledge is a powerful preventive weapon against
alcohol and other drugs. Unfortunately, most parents wrongly
believe that their children already know what they need to
know about alcohol and other drugs. They assume that their
children are learning what they need to know at school and
from their peers. But study after study reveals that teenagers
believe that they are both misinformed and/or not informed
at all about alcohol and other drugs.
Prevention means acting before there’s a problem. That
means that you must take it upon yourself to educate your
child about alcohol and other drugs. Keep the following points
in mind as you do so.
• Start talking to your child when he is young.
• Don’t discuss the subject once and assume that
that’s the only time you’ll need to talk to him about
alcohol and other drugs.
• Make the time to discuss with your child the concerns
you have about alcohol and drugs.
• Make the time to listen to your child about his concerns
about alcohol and other drugs.
Starting a conversation with your child about alcohol and
other drugs may not be easy, but it doesn’t have to be as difficult
as you might think. Fear oftentimes prevents parents
from talking with their children about alcohol and other
drugs. Some parents are afraid that they 1) don’t know what
to say, 2) don’t know how to say what needs to be said,
and/or 3) will put ideas into their child’s head about consuming
alcohol and other drugs.
Don’t let your fears prevent you from acting. Take advantage
of everyday teachable moments. Teachable moments
are everyday events that you can discuss with your child
those points that you want your child to learn. Use the
following teachable moments as a starting point, but discover
other teachable moments of your own from your day-to-day
experiences.
1) Point out alcohol and other drugs-related situations
going on in your community. If you and
your child are at the park and see a group of kids
drinking or smoking, use the moment to talk about
the negative effects of alcohol and tobacco.
2) Use newspaper headlines or TV news stories as
a conversation starter. The daily news is filled
with stories that detail the consequences of alcohol
and other drugs abuse. Talk to your child about
the mother who used drugs and was arrested. Who
will take care of her baby now? Did she make a
good decision when she used drugs?
3) Watch TV with your kids and ask them what
they think. Do the shows and advertising make
alcohol and other drugs consumption look acceptable
and routine? Or do they show its downside?
How did the program make your child feel about
alcohol and other drugs? Write a letter with your
child to companies or TV networks about the messages
they put out about alcohol and other drugs.
Anti-drug advertising is also a great way to start a
discussion.
Just what is it that you should talk about with your
child? The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and
Alcoholism’s pamphlet—Make A Difference: Talk To Your
Child About Alcohol suggests the following topics for discussion.
1) Your child’s views about alcohol and other
drugs. Ask your child what she knows about alcohol
and what she thinks about teen drinking. Ask
her if she thinks kids should be allowed to drink.
Listen carefully without interrupting. Not only will
this approach help your child to feel heard and
respected, it can also serve as a natural lead-in to
discussing alcohol and other drugs topics.
2) Important facts about alcohol. Although many
kids believe they already know everything about
alcohol, myths and misinformation abound. Here
are some important facts to share:
a) Alcohol is a powerful drug that slows down the
body and mind. It impairs coordination, slows
reaction time, and impairs vision, clear thinking,
and judgment.
b) Beer and wine are not safer than hard liquor. A
12-ounce can of beer, a 5-ounce glass of wine,
and 1.5 ounces of hard liquor all contain the
same amount of alcohol and have the same
effects on the body and mind.
c) On average, it takes 2 to 3 hours for a single
drink to leave the body’s system. Nothing can
speed up this process, including drinking coffee,
taking a cold shower, or walking it off.
d) People tend to be very bad at judging how seriously
alcohol has affected them. That means
many individuals who drive after drinking think
they can control a car—but actually cannot.
e) Anyone can develop a serious alcohol problem,
including a teenager.
3) The magic potion myth. The media’s glamorous
portrayal of alcohol encourages many teens to
believe that drinking will make them popular,
attractive, happy, and cool. Research shows that
teens who expect such positive effects are more
likely to drink at early ages. However, you can help
to combat these dangerous myths by watching TV
shows and movie videos with your child and discussing
how alcohol is portrayed in them. For
example, television advertisements for beer often
show young people having an uproariously good
time, as though drinking always puts people in a
terrific mood. Watching such a commercial with
your child can be an opportunity to discuss the
many ways that alcohol can affect people—in some
cases bringing on feelings of sadness or anger
rather than carefree high spirits.
4) Good reasons not to consume alcohol and other
drugs. In talking with your child about reasons to
avoid alcohol and other drugs, stay away from scare
tactics. Most young teens are aware that many people
consume alcohol and other drugs without problems,
so it’s important to discuss the consequences
of alcohol and other drug consumption without
overstating the case. For example, you can talk
about the dangers of riding in a car with a driver
who has been drinking without insisting that “all
kids who ride with drinkers get into crashes.� Some
good reasons that teens shouldn’t consume alcohol
and other drugs:
a) You want your child to avoid alcohol. Be sure
to clearly state your own expectations regarding
your child’s drinking and to establish consequences
for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes
count with your child, even though he or
she may not always show it.
b) To maintain self-respect. In a series of focus
groups, teens reported that the best way to persuade
them to avoid alcohol is to appeal to their
self-respect—letting them know that they are
too smart and have too much going for them to
need the crutch of alcohol. Teens also pay
attention to ways in which alcohol might cause
them to do something embarrassing that might
damage their self-respect and important relationships.
c) Drinking is illegal. Because alcohol use under
the age of 21 is illegal, getting caught may
mean trouble with the authorities. Even if getting
caught doesn’t lead to police action, the
parents of your child’s friends may no longer
permit them to associate with your child. If
drinking occurs on school grounds, your child
could be suspended.
d) Drinking can be dangerous. One of the leading
causes of teen deaths is motor vehicle crashes
involving alcohol. Drinking also makes a young
person more vulnerable to sexual assault and
unprotected sex. And while your teen may
believe he or she wouldn’t engage in hazardous
activities after drinking, point out that because
alcohol impairs judgment, a drinker is very likely
to think such activities won’t be dangerous.
e) You have a family history of alcoholism. If one
or more members of your immediate or extended
family has suffered from alcoholism, your
child may be somewhat more vulnerable to
developing a drinking problem. Your child
needs to know that for him or her, drinking
may carry special risks.
5) How to handle peer pressure. It’s not enough to
tell your child that he should avoid alcohol and
other drugs—you also need to help him figure out
how. What can he say when he goes to a party and
a friend offers him a beer? Or what should your
child do if she finds herself in a home where kids
are passing around a bottle of wine and parents are
nowhere in sight? What should their response be if
they are offered a ride home with an older friend
who has been drinking? Brainstorm with your teen
for ways that they might handle these and other
difficult situations, and make clear how you’re willing
to support them. An example: “If you find
yourself at a home where kids are drinking, call me
and I’ll pick you up—and there will be no scolding
or punishment.� The more prepared your child is,
the better able she will be to handle high-pressure
situations that involve drinking.
To increase your chances for a productive conversation, take
some time to think through the issues you want to discuss
before you talk with your child. Also, think about how your
child might react and ways you might respond to your child’s
questions and feelings. Then choose a time to talk when both
you and your child have some down time and are feeling
relaxed.
Keep in mind, too, that you don’t need to cover everything
at once. In fact, you’re likely to have a greater impact on your
child’s choices about alcohol and other drugs by having a
number of talks about alcohol and other drugs throughout his
or her adolescence. Think of this discussion with your child as
the first part of an ongoing conversation. And remember to
make it a conversation, not a lecture!
Two sources to help you collect information for your discussions
are 1) Ask Dr. Steve . . . What Do I Need to Know
About Alcohol and Other Drugs and 2) www.AliveAndWell-
News.com. Be mindful of the following guidelines for how to
discuss the subject of alcohol and other drugs with your child.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Guidelines for talking to your child about alcohol and other drugs.
1) Start early
2) Initiate conversations with your child
3) Create an open environment
4) Communicate your own values
5) Listen to your child
6) Try to be honest
7) Be patient
8) Use everyday opportunities to talk
9) Talk about it again, and again

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What to Teach Your Child About
Alcohol and Other Drugs

Teens who learn a lot about the risks of drugs from their
parents are up to 50 percent less likely to try drugs than
are teens who learn nothing at home.
-Partnership Attitude Tracking Study, 2001

79
“If we as parents do not take the responsibility to educate
our children about drugs, they will get the information from
other people, and the information may not be right,� explains
Lisa Elliott, PhD, a children’s behavioral health specialist.
“Often, without that information, because of peer influence
and the desire to fit in, kids will just go ahead and experiment,
having no idea what they’re doing.�
Research tells us that many parents are not talking to their
children about alcohol and other drugs. According to a recent
survey from the National Center on Addiction and Substance
Abuse at Columbia University, many parents have a don’t ask,
don’t tell approach when it comes to drugs. Nearly half the
middle and high school kids surveyed said their parents had
never talked to them about the dangers of drug use.
Remember the statistics I shared with you in chapter 1?
Research tells us that those teens who have learned about alcohol
and other drugs abuse from their parents are less likely to
consume alcohol and other drugs than kids who do not learn
from their parents about alcohol and other drugs. According
to the National Anti-Drug Media Campaign, kids who learn
about alcohol and other drugs abuse from their parents are:
• 36 percent less likely to smoke marijuana,
• 50 percent less likely to use inhalants,
• 56 percent less likely to use cocaine,
• 65 percent less likely to use LSD.
It’s important for you to get involved before an alcohol and
other drugs problem develops. Following are suggestions for
how to teach your child about alcohol and other drugs based
on the U.S. Department of Education’s guide, Growing Up
Drug-Free: A Parent’s Prevention Guide.
Preschoolers
Children at this age are not drug users, but if you talk to them
now, before the problem exists, you can have an impact when
they are 10, 11, and 12. The foundation for all healthy habits,
from eating nutritious foods to using proper hygiene to dressing
appropriately for the weather, begins in the preschool years.
While alcohol and other drugs use by children this age may
not be a concern, even young children hear about alcohol and
other drugs. Unless you take the time to help your child sort
through the messages he receives, what he thinks that he
understands about alcohol and other drugs may be far from
reality. Moreover, because children who resist early drug
experimentation are generally adept at problem-solving and
self-help, you need to ensure that the foundations for these
skills are laid down during the preschool years.
Preschoolers regard the adults in their life as all-powerful.
Perhaps at no other time in their lives is your approval as
highly prized or your teachings as well received as during these
early years of unconditional devotion. Remember this as you
talk with your children and consider what behaviors you model
about the use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs.
• Ask children what they think about a TV program or
story-line. Discuss how TV/storybook characters are
like and unlike people they know.
• Discuss how violence and bad decisions can hurt
people.
• Realize that when you use tobacco, alcohol, and
other drugs, you send a message endorsing your
child’s use of these substances.
• Give children honest praise for their attempts to take
responsibility for their own good health.
Although preschoolers are not ready to learn the facts about
alcohol and other drugs, you can begin teaching the attitudes
and habits that will empower them to make good choices later
on in their life.
Children need to develop a skill-set that will enable them
to make decisions and solve problems that will allow them to
not fall prey to the pressures of their peers. Thus, you can
begin working with your preschooler on activities that will
enable them to begin making choices for themselves as well as
asserting themselves. Bear in mind, children at this age are
more interested in doing for themselves rather than listening
to someone talking at them. Let your child learn how to make
good decisions by doing.
Suggestions for empowering your child to make good
choices and solve interpersonal problems.
• Make time for you and your child to play together,
take a walk together, or do some other activity like
reading a book together. By devoting your full
attention to your child during these activities you are
creating the bond necessary for your child to feel
loved, respected, and valued by you.
• Educate your child about the toxic substances you
keep in your house. Examples of these would be
cleaning products, paint, gas cans, and bleach. Read
the warning labels to your child. Help them understand
the dangers of these products and the reasons
that you keep them stored out of reach.
• Educate your child about medicines in your house.
Teach your child not to take anything from a medicine
bottle unless you or someone with your permission
gives it to them.
• Educate your child about the value of proper nutrition.
Talk to them about the dangers of ingesting
foods and substances that are not good for them as
well as the benefits of ingesting substances that are
good for them.
• Educate your child about the behaviors that you
expect. Discuss with your child the basics of how to
get along with other children—treat others the way
you would like to be treated, play fair, share things,
be honest.
• Educate your child about the importance of following
directions. Games are a good way to begin
teaching them about rules and procedures. If you
cook with your child, the importance of following
the recipe is a good way to help them learn the
importance of following directions.
• Use your child’s experience of frustration when trying
something new to learn how to solve problems
and handle the frustration of being unable to quickly
master an activity.
• Use the choosing of what clothes to wear, what
games to play, or how best to spend time together as
an opportunity for your child to practice making
choices. Don’t focus on the quality of the choice, as
much as praising the act of making a choice.
Kindergarten Through Grade 3
Children between ages five and nine tend to feel good about
themselves. Growing up is an adventure they enjoy. School is
a fun place to play, learn, and socialize with peers. Thinking
and learning are still experiential. The here-and-now is where
they live with little regard for the future. Fact and fantasy
blend together. Their world-view is dominated by how they
wish things to be rather than how things are. Because of this,
children are best helped with rules that structure their behavior
and information in order to make good choices.
Discussions about alcohol and other drugs for this age
group should be here-and-now focused. The underlying
theme of discussing alcohol and other drugs with this age
group is good health. Teaching your child choices that will
assure good health while avoiding choices that will undermine
good health can be a very effective strategy.
What your child should understand by the end of third
grade.
• What an illicit drug is. Why it is illegal. What it
looks like. What harm it can do.
• How foods, poisons, medicines, and illicit drugs differ.
• How medicines may help during illness, when prescribed
by a doctor and administered by a responsible
adult, but also how medicines are drugs that can
be harmful if misused.
• Why it is important to avoid unknown and possibly
dangerous objects, containers, and substances.
Which adults, both at school and outside, you want
your child to rely on for answers to questions or
help in an emergency.
• Which foods are nutritious and why exercise is
important.
• What the school and home rules are about alcohol
and other drugs consumption.
• How using alcohol and other drugs is illegal for all
children.
Suggestions for empowering children in kindergarten
through third grade to make good choices that enhance
their health and solve interpersonal problems.
• Emphasize the importance of good health by talking
about things people do to stay healthy, such as
brushing teeth after meals, washing hands, eating
good food, getting plenty of rest. Use this discussion
to contrast the harmful things that people do, such
as taking drugs, smoking, or drinking to excess.
• Discuss illnesses with which your child is familiar
and for which prescription drugs are often necessary.
Many children have had a sore throat, ear infections,
flu, and colds. Discussing such illnesses can help
your child understand the difference between medicine
and illicit drugs.
• Practice ways to say no with your child. Describe situations
that may make your child feel uncomfortable;
being invited to ride a bike where you do not
allow your child to go, for example, or being offered
medicine or other unfamiliar substances. Give your
child some responses to use in these situations.
Develop a helper’s file of people your child can rely
on. Create a phone list of relatives, family friends,
neighbors, teachers, religious leaders, and police and
fire departments. Illustrate the list with photos. Talk
with your child about the help each person could
provide in case of various unexpected situations,
such as being approached by strangers or losing a
house key.
Grades 4 Through 6
In this period of growth your child begins to invest more
energy into learning. Most children in this age group love to
learn facts. Their curiosity is heightened as they want to learn
how things work.
Friendships are important to children at this age. Children
begin to form their self-concept in part by acceptance of peers.
This makes it a particularly vulnerable time for children who
tend to be followers.
This age is perhaps the most important time for parents to
focus on increased efforts at drug prevention. These late elementary
school years are crucial to decisions about the use of
alcohol and other drugs. The greatest risk for starting to
smoke comes in the sixth and seventh grades. Research shows
that the earlier youngsters begin to use alcohol and other
drugs, the more likely they are to have real trouble. Your child
will need a clear no-use message, factual information, and
strong motivation to resist pressures to try alcohol and other
drugs and to reinforce the determination to remain drug free.
Appropriate new information for children age 10-12.
• Ways to identify specific drugs, including alcohol,
tobacco, marijuana, inhalants, and cocaine in their
various forms.
• The long and short-term effects and consequences
of use.
• Effects of drugs on different parts of the body, and
the reasons why drugs are especially dangerous for
growing bodies.
• Consequences of alcohol and other illegal drug use
to the family, society, and the user.
Suggestions for empowering your child in grades 4
through 6 to make healthy choices about the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs.
• Create special times when you are available to talk to
your child. Give your child undivided attention. A
walk together, dinner in a quiet place, or a visit to
the ice cream parlor after a movie are some ways to
make talking together a little easier.
• Encourage your child to participate in wholesome
activities that will allow the child to form new
friendships and have fun. Sports, Scouts, religioussponsored
youth programs, and community-sponsored
youth organizations are excellent ways for children
to meet others of their own age.
• Teach your child to be aware of how alcohol and
other drugs are promoted. Discuss the messages that
children are exposed to—TV, song lyrics, billboards,
and advertisements. Discuss how these messages
tend to glamorize the consumption of alcohol and
other drugs. Clearly separate the myths from the
realities of alcohol and other drug use.
• Continue to practice ways to say no with your child,
emphasizing ways to refuse alcohol and other drugs.
It’s not uncommon for sixth graders to be offered
beer and cigarettes and to know other children who
smoke and drink alcohol.
• Encourage your child to join a local anti-drug club
or peer assistance group that encourages drug-free
activities.
• Ask your child to scan the morning newspaper and
to circle any article that has to do with alcohol and
other drug use. No doubt there will be articles
about drug-related murders, strife in other countries
due to drug trafficking, and alcohol-related auto
accidents. Talk with your child about the tremendous
loss of life and resources due to the use of
alcohol and other drugs.
• Make friends with the parents of your child’s friends
so that you can reinforce one another’s efforts in
teaching good personal and social habits. A neighborhood
social gathering, sporting event, or school
assembly are good places to meet.
• Join with other parents in providing supervised
activities for young people to limit free time, which
often leads to experimentation with alcohol and
other drugs.
Grades 7 Through 9
During the early teens fitting in with friends is a dominating
influence. In some ways, the onset of puberty is like a rebirth.
Children want and need to let go of the past and in so doing
begin to establish their own identity. This often means letting
go of old friendships and ties with teachers and other adults,
as well as old ways of doing things. The decision-making and
problem-solving methods that they learned as young children
are still helpful, but young teens will be making new decisions
based on new information and new goals.
Young people this age can begin to deal with abstractions
and the future. As a result children are beginning to learn that
their actions have consequences and that their behavior affects
others. They sometimes have a shaky self-image, as they’re
unsure whether they are growing and changing adequately.
Conflict with adults begins to surface. Strong emotional support
and a good model of adult behavior are particularly
important now.
Young people who use alcohol, tobacco, and other drugs
typically begin before leaving the 9th grade. Be sure that family
discussions about drugs emphasize the immediate, unpleasant
effects of alcohol and other drug use. Telling junior high
school students who are smoking that they will get lung cancer
or heart disease in several decades is less likely to make an
impression than talking about bad breath, stained teeth and
fingers, and burned clothing.
Many young people use drugs because their friends use
drugs. A large portion of your prevention efforts during these
years should be spent reinforcing your child’s motivation to
avoid alcohol and other drugs. Here are some important steps:
Focus of alcohol and other drug prevention for children
in grades 7 through 9.
• Counteract peer influence with parent influence.
Reinforce your no-alcohol/no-drug use rules and
expectations so that your child clearly understands
that drinking and using drugs are unacceptable and
illegal. Children may argue that everyone is doing it
and not experiencing harmful effects. Inform your
child that alcohol and other drugs use is illegal for
children and that everyone is not doing it.
Emphasize how unpredictable the effects of alcohol
and other drugs can be, so that although many drug
users may appear to function properly, drug use is
extremely risky and all it takes is one bad experience
to change a life.
• Get to know your child’s friends and their parents.
Invite your child’s friends to your home frequently.
Share your expectations about behavior with other
parents. Work together to develop a set of rules
about curfews, un-chaperoned parties, and other
social activities.
• Monitor your child’s whereabouts. If your child is at
a friend’s house, be sure that you know the friend
and the parents. If your child is at the movies, be
sure you know what film is playing and at which theater.
Last-minute changes in plans, such as visiting a
different friend or going to a different movie, should
not be permitted unless the child checks with Mom,
Dad, or another designated adult.
What your child should understand by the end of 9th
grade.
• The characteristics and chemical nature of specific
drugs and drug interactions.
• The physiology of drug effects on the circulatory,
respiratory, nervous, and reproductive systems.
• The stages of chemical dependency and their unpredictability
from person to person.
• The ways that alcohol and other drug use affects
activities requiring motor coordination, such as driving
a car or participating in sports.
• Family history, particularly if alcoholism or other
drug addiction has been a problem.
Suggestions for empowering your child in grades 7
through 9 to make healthy choices about the consumption
of alcohol and other drugs.
• Continue to practice ways to say no with your child.
Teach him to recognize problem situations, such as
being at a house where no adults are present and
young people are smoking or drinking alcohol.
Make up situations in which your child may be asked
to try alcohol and other drugs and let the child practice
saying no using the steps outlined. Try many situations
until you are confident that your child
knows how to say no.
• Children this age are very concerned about how
others see them. You can help your child develop a
positive self-image by making sure they look good
and feel healthy. In addition to providing well-balanced
meals, keep your refrigerator and pantry
stocked with appealing alternatives to junk food.
• Continue to spend private time with your child to
discuss what your child feels is important in his or
her life right now. Your child’s fears about emerging
sexuality, appearing different from friends, and going
on to high school are real problems and deserve
your concern and attention.
• Periodically review and update, with your child’s
participation, your house rules and your child’s
responsibilities regarding chores, homework, time
limit on TV watching, and the curfew on school and
weekend nights. Discuss these questions with your
child: Are the rules fair and the consequences appropriate?
Is it time to switch to some new chores?
Should there be fewer or different chores because of
added homework assignments or after-school activities?
Should the curfew be adjusted?
• Talk with your child about friendship. Make the
point that true friends do not ask each other to do
things they know are wrong and risk harm to themselves,
their friends, or their families.
• Plan supervised parties or other activities for your
child in your home which reflect a no-alcohol/nodrug
use rule. For example, have your child invite
friends to share a pizza and watch TV.
Grades 10 Through 12
By the time children reach tenth grade, they’ve become more
future-oriented. By 10th grade your children begin to engage
in abstract thinking. Children in this age range become more
open to discussing their problems and seeking adult solutions.
At the same time, children in this age range remain group-oriented.
Belonging and acceptance by the group motivates
much of their behavior.
What your child should understand by the end of 12th
grade.
• The immediate and long-term physical effects of
specific drugs.
• The possibly fatal effects of combining drugs.
• The relationship of drug use to other diseases and
disabilities.
• The effects of alcohol and other drugs on the fetus
during pregnancy.
• The fact that drug use is not a victimless crime.
• The effects and possible consequences of operating
equipment while using alcohol and other drugs.
• The impact that drug use has on society.
• The extent of community intervention resources.
Suggestions for empowering your children in 10th
through 12th grade to make healthy choices about the
consumption of alcohol and other drugs.
• Continue to talk with your teenager about alcohol
and other drug use. Chances are your teen has
friends who use alcohol and other drugs or knows
people who do. Talk about how alcohol and other
drugs use threatens lives and may limit opportunities
for the future.
• Plan strategies to limit your teen’s unsupervised
hours at home, while you are at work. Researchers
have found that lunchtime and the hours between 3
and 6 p.m. are periods teenagers are likely to experiment
with alcohol and other drugs.
• Encourage your teenager to work on behalf of a
drug prevention program by being trained as a volunteer
to answer hotline calls or as a peer counselor.
• Talk with your teenager about joining a sports club,
drama club, arts and crafts center, or dance studio or
about volunteering to work for a church group or
community organization. The busier your teenager
is, the less likely he or she is to be bored and to seek
an outlet in alcohol or other drugs. Volunteer with
your teenager, if you have time.
• Plan alcohol and drug-free activities with other families
during school vacations and major holidays,
which can be high-risk idle times for teens.
• Make sure your teen has access to up-to-date information
on alcohol and other drugs and their effects.
Make an effort to be informed about any new drugs
that are popular, and know their effects.
• Cooperate with other parents to make sure that the
parties and social events your teenager attends are
alcohol and drug-free. Some families choose to draw
up a contract holding adults responsible for parties
given in their homes; the contract specifies that all
parties will be supervised and that there is to be no
use of alcohol or other drugs.
• Help plan community-sponsored drug-free activities
such as alcohol and drug-free dances and other
recreational activities such as “midnight basketball.�
• Talk with your teenager about the future. Discuss
your expectations and your teenager’s ambitions.
Collect college or vocational catalogs for your
teenager, and discuss different educational and
career options. Plan a family outing to local colleges
and universities.

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How to Prepare Your Child
to Make Independent Choices
T
We don’t receive wisdom;
we must discover it for ourselves after a journey
that no one can take for us or spare us.
-Marcel Proust

97
Despite your best efforts, at some point your child will be
encouraged/coerced by either a friend or stranger to consume
alcohol and other drugs. And as you know only too well, it’s
not always so simple as to just say no. The reason that it may
be difficult for your child to just say no is the phenomena
known as peer pressure.
Peer pressure can be extremely strong and hard to resist.
Experiments have shown how peer pressure can influence
someone to change their mind from what they know is a correct
answer to the incorrect answer—just because everyone
else gives the incorrect answer! These studies have also shown
that all it takes for someone to stand their ground about what
they know is right is for one other peer to join them. That
principle holds true for people of any age in peer pressure situations.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Reasons why your child may be affected by peer pressure.
1) Your child may want to be liked.
2) Your child may worry that other children may
make fun of them if they don’t go along with the
crowd.
3) Your child may be curious to try what others are
doing.
4) Your child may believe that everyone else is doing it.
Though peer pressure may be uncomfortable to deal with,
your child can learn how not to be tempted by the incitement
of others to do something they would otherwise choose not
to do. How can you help your child successfully negotiate
those encounters in which they may feel pressured to consume
alcohol and other drugs?
You can help your child by preparing them for such situations
before they happen. How? You can role-play with your
child. Role-playing will enable your child to have the right
response at the tip of their tongue once they encounter a situation
in which they’re being pressured into consuming alcohol
and other drugs. By having a plan ahead of time for how
to say no to the pressures of their peers, your child can assert
their independence by rejecting their friend’s choices without
rejecting their friend.
Now, it may be that your child hasn’t asked you for help in
preparing for such situations. If that’s the case, make the time
to bring it up yourself. Explain to your child you want to help
them develop a skill that comes in handy whenever someone
doesn’t want to take no for an answer. The National Youth
Anti-Drug Media Campaign’s Behavior Change Expert Panel
suggests the following exercise.
Here is a potential role-playing scenario for you to try with
your daughter (You can turn the scenario around for your
boys, or come up with other scenarios that fit the same pattern—
anything to get your children to practice their own resistance
skills):
Take the role of a boy she likes and try to persuade her to
share a six-pack of beer with you. What can she say? “You’re
such a jerk!� is alienating. “I don’t know . . . � leaves the door
open and sounds like she could be coaxed. The middle
ground, in which she’s firm but friendly, works best. Help her
rehearse key phrases that give reasons for why she simply won’t
have a beer:
• “My parents will kill me if they find out, and they
always find out!�
• “No, I’m not into that stuff.�
• “I tried it once, and I hate the taste.�
• “My parents trust me not to drink, and I don’t want
to break that trust.�
Or she could state the consequences of drinking:
• “I tried it once and ended up sick!�
• “Drinking would make me feel out of control, and I
hate that.�
She’ll need to be prepared for protests. She can meet them
with the broken record technique, where she repeats her reason
for not drinking until attempts to persuade her cease. Or
she can make it clear that the discussion about beer is over by
changing the subject, “Did you watch the game last night?�
or, “Do you know if that concert’s sold out?� If all else fails,
she should leave, saying, “I’ve got to go.�
Don’t forget the advice offered by The National Institute
on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism’s pamphlet—Make A Difference:
Talk To Your Child About Alcohol, in Chapter 8. It’s not
enough to tell your child to avoid alcohol and other drugs—
you also need to help him figure out how. What can he say
when a friend offers him a beer at a party? Or what should your
child do if she finds herself in a home where kids are passing
around a bottle of wine and parents are nowhere in sight? How
should he respond if he’s offered a ride home with an older
friend who has been drinking? Brainstorm with your teen for
ways to handle these and other difficult situations and make
clear how you’re willing to support him. An example, “If you
find yourself at a home where kids are drinking, call me and I’ll
pick you up—there will be no scolding or punishment.� The
more prepared your child is, the better able he will be to handle
high-pressure situations involving drinking.
There’s no single approach that can insulate your child from
the influence of peer pressure. Use the previously mentioned
strategies along with these tips to develop a comprehensive
approach to helping your child make good choices independent
of the coercion of others.
Bridge Builder’s Checklist
Ways to help your child not be influenced by the pressures of their peers.
1) Begin early. It’s incredible but true, by late elementary
school, children begin to see classmates smoking,
drinking, and trying drugs. Many children who
become alcohol and other drugs users begin at age
12 or 13 and begin to inhale household products to
get high in grades 6 or 7. Begin talking to your children
early and often. Recognize when they’re being
curious. Don’t brush them off. Be prepared to
answer their questions. If you don’t know the
answers, find out and report back to them.
2) Encourage independent thinking. Teach your
child how to think for herself. Teach her how to
make age appropriate choices for herself. Encourage
her to make choices, and support her choice when
appropriate. Teach her the value of making independent
choices rather than deferring to the wishes
and desires of others. This will help her later when
she is put in a position to choose what’s best for her
or succumb to the influence of peers.
3) Build confidence. Direct your praise or criticism
towards the action and not the person. You can
empower your child by helping him master age
appropriate tasks, such as riding a bicycle, building a
model, working on a computer, or reading a book.
4) Be clear about family values. From an early age,
children should become practiced at following
rules. The best way to do that is to clearly articulate
your family values and the rules that enforce
those values. At the same time, you need to clearly
articulate the consequences that come with breaking
the rules. As your child becomes practiced at
honoring the family’s values by following rules and
as he experiences the consequences involved with
breaking the family’s rules; he will become a practiced
decision maker when confronted with the
presence of alcohol and other drugs.
5) Stand firm. Your child looks to you for direction
and support. If you’re not clear, firm, and unwavering
in your policies about the consumption of alcohol
and other drugs, then she’ll be confused by the
mixed messages that you’re creating. Your mixed
messages may confuse your child about how to
respond when confronted with a situation in which
your child must make a choice about whether or
not to consume alcohol and other drugs.
6) Parent-Community Activities. Help your child
resist the demands of peer pressure by supporting
community efforts to give young people healthy
alternatives. Alcohol and other drugs-free proms
and other school-based celebrations are growing in
popularity around the country. You can help to
organize such events, solicit contributions, and
serve as a chaperon. Local businesses are also an
excellent source of support for alternative activities
such as athletic teams and part-time jobs.
7) Help Your Child Develop Healthy Friendships.
If your child’s friends use alcohol and other drugs,
she is more likely to use as well. Encourage your
child to make friends with individuals who will
have a healthy influence. Include your child’s
friends in family gatherings. Encourage your child
to spend more time with those who are safe to
associate with. Discuss what friendship is, what
qualities make a good friend, and what qualities
make a bad friend. Emphasize qualities such as
trustworthiness, kindness, and respectfulness as the
type of qualities that make a good friend.
8) Encourage Healthy Alternatives to Alcohol and
Drugs. Involvement with activities that are challenging
and fun is important to your child’s emotional
and physical well-being. Some studies of preteens
indicate that the availability of enjoyable alcohol-
free activities is one reason for deciding not to
use alcohol. Encourage your children to get
involved in school or religious sponsored activities.