Relationship with dad sets tone for son?s life

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:Union Daily Times; :Jul 23, 2005; :Religion; :7


Relationship with dad sets tone for son’s life




Question: Why is early supervision and discipline of a son by his father so important?

Dr. Dobson: Let me illustrate this principle with a recent finding from the world of nature. Other than dogs, which I have always loved, the animals that fascinate me the most are elephants. These magnificent creatures are highly emotional and surprisingly intelligent. I suppose that's why it is disturbing to see them suffering the encroachment of civilization.

That is happening in the Pilanesberg National Park in northwestern South Africa. Rangers there have reported that young bull elephants in that region have become increasingly violent in recent years — especially to nearby white rhinos. Without provocation, an elephant will knock a rhinoceros over and then kneel and gore it to death. This is not typical elephant behavior, and it's been very difficult to explain.

But now, game wardens think they've cracked the code. Apparently, the aggressiveness is a byproduct of government programs to reduce elephant populations by killing the older animals. Almost all of the young rogues were orphaned when they were calves, depriving them of adult contact. Under normal circumstances, dominant older males keep the young bulls in line and serve as role models for them. In the absence of that influence, "juvenile delinquents" grow up to terrorize their neighbors.

I know it's risky to apply animal behavior too liberally to human beings, but the parallel here is too striking to miss. Let me say it one more time: The absence of early supervision and discipline is often catastrophic — for teenagers and for elephants.

Prisons are populated primarily by men who were abandoned or rejected by their fathers. Motivational speaker and writer Zig Ziglar quotes his friend Bill Glass, a dedicated evangelist who counseled almost every weekend for 25 years with men who were incarcerated, as saying that among the thousands of prisoners he had met, not one of them genuinely loved his dad. Ninety-five percent of those on death row hated their fathers.

In 1998, there were 1,202,107 people in federal or state prisons. Of that number, 94 percent were males. Of the 3,452 prisoners awaiting execution, only 48 were women. That amounts to 98.6 percent males. Clearly, as author Barbara Jackson said, "it is far easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."

Some years ago, executives of a greeting-card company decided to do something special for Mother's Day. They set up a table in a federal prison, inviting any inmate who so desired to send a free card to his mom. The lines were so long, they had to make another trip to the factory to get more cards. Due to the success of the event, they decided to do the same thing on Father's Day, but this time no one came. Not one prisoner felt the need to send a card to his dad. Many had no idea who their fathers even were. What a sobering illustration of a dad's importance to his children.

Contrast that story with a conversation I once had with a man named Bill Houghton, who was president of a large construction firm. Through the years, he had hired and managed thousands of employees. I asked him: "When you are thinking of hiring an employee — especially a man — what do you look for?"

His answer surprised me. He said: "I look primarily at the relationship between the man and his father. If he felt loved by his dad and respected his authority, he's likely to be a good employee." Then he added: "I won't hire a young man who has been in rebellion against his dad. He will have difficulty with me, too." I have also observed that the relationship between a boy and his father sets the tone for so much of what is to come. He is that important at home.

[mellotripp]

Although my father was not out to win any Father of the Year contests and my mother will not let me lie. In recovery, I realized that my parents had done the best they could or knew how. My mom told me one time that she never would have left my dad if she knew about alanon. My dad moved back in with her when he had no other place to go. When I told my mom to marry him, she said, No, then he won't want to pay me the rent.

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I had already graduated from treatment, and had put together about ninety days clean. A major milestone for me. My father sent me this post while I was living in a therapeutic community. He was so proud of me and my recovery, that too was a miracle. Tuesday I will have eighteen months!
I used daily, some form of mind or mood altering substance from 1974-2005, never going with out. He had tried for years to get me into treatment, but "I was not and addict". He too did the very best he could raising us, I have two brothers and a sister. Some of the memories I have of childhood are of eating as a family, placing the napkin in our laps, keeping one hand in our lap. We were to chew our food with our mouth closed. There was this special way to place the fork and knife on the plate. My parents taught us the proper way to live. I chose the other way.