11 Points For Parents to Protect Their Kids

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Drug abuse can be prevented and addiction is a treatable illness.



Substance abuse is a preventable problem. We, as parents, are much more powerful than we think. Upsetting us is the number one reason why kids do not use drugs, and kids who learn about drug risks from parents are only half as likely to start using.


Get and stay closely involved with your kids’ lives as they head through middle school and into high school. You won’t connect well with your kids about serious health issues if you haven’t been interested in the day-to-day events of interest to them – which test caused half the class to flunk, which of their friends got a part in the play, who lied to their parents and went down to the city with older kids…


Begin the dialogue when your kids are young. Talk early and often. It doesn’t have to be a formal “birds and bees� type discussion, but should springboard off “teachable moments� -- like an incident in their town or school, a problem in your extended family, a popular music video or movie, or something on the news. Set a “no-use� expectation, including for alcohol, and make it explicit.


Monitor your kids. Kids whose parents supervise them closely are only half as likely to develop a drug problem. Know the “who, what, why, where, when� of their activities, compare notes with other parents, and continue this practice as kids hit middle school, even when you no longer know all their friends, and friends’ families.


Be the parent, not just the pal. Your kids already have friends, but they need parenting. Consistently enforce boundaries for your family that apply even when kids are in other settings, or with families that have different rules. Teens like to be trusted, and will feel supported by clear and consistent boundaries that are explained in advance and are based on our love and concern for their well-being.


Addiction is a health problem. It does not happen because someone is “a bad person,� but is an illness that is in fact the number one preventable adolescent health problem. (The American Academy of Pediatrics). It is not your fault. Stigma and shame due to past ignorance and stereotypes about the problem are unwarranted. A drug disorder can take over your life, and cause you to lie, steal and act badly toward even those you love. However, addiction has a physiological basis; chronic alcohol and other drug use change the brain and body chemistry, making it hard to stop. Thirty years ago, families were told: your son needs to develop will-power to stop using cocaine… Now we know better.


There is hope, help and healing available for your family if someone develops a substance abuse problem. There are objective ways to assess the problem, and many new treatments. Millions of people recover their health and turn their whole lives around, even though they tend not to be as visible as the public struggles of celebrities addicted to substances.


Don’t wait -- know the warning signs and act early. If you suspect your child has a drug or alcohol problem, you are probably right, and need to learn more about the problem and steps for helping: Intervene early, find the right type of help, and be persistent. Warning signs include sudden changes (which are otherwise unexplained) in personality, irritability and mood swings, habits and friends, excessive secrecy, and finding drug paraphernalia. There are objective “screener� short questionnaires that you can answer to determine the sort of problem you’re facing. It’s a myth that someone has to hit “rock bottom� before seeking and getting help. Without help, addiction tends to progress and can even, eventually, be fatal. Although earlier intervention is best, it is possible to get help at any stage of addiction, and success rates with quality treatment are comparable to those for other illnesses like diabetes, asthma, or hypertension.


Help is not just “rehab.� Most people recover from addiction without formal, in-patient treatment, or “rehab.� There are many paths to wellness, including out-patient medical help, and sometimes a combination of treatment and a 12-Step, self-help program, which holds free meetings any time during the week, near enough to get to.


Addiction runs in families, similar to illnesses like cancer or heart disease. Kids who have a family pattern are at much higher risk of addiction if they use drugs or alcohol at all; no recreational use can stay safely under control, particularly during the formative years of adolescence. Families with a history of alcoholism or drug addiction should talk about this, so their kids are aware. If there is a problem developing, family involvement and support makes treatment work better. Everyone – the addicted child and the parents and siblings – need strong help and mutual support to solve the problem.


You are not alone. Substance abuse is common among teens, and drug addiction doesn’t discriminate. It cuts across race, gender and economic lines, every region of this country, and every walk of life. Most people now know someone who has struggled with addiction, and one in four teenagers is now living with an addicted parent. Take heart. More than anything, families need confidence that recovery is possible, and encouragement and information and professional support to heal this problem.

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If warning signs point to a child on drugs, it's time to take action. If you deal with possible drug use head-on, there's a very good chance your child can be helped. Don't spend time hiding from the problem. Spend your time helping your child. The faster you act, the faster your child can start to become well again.

Sit down with your child for an open discussion about Alcohol and drug use. Openly voice your suspicions to your child but avoid direct accusations. Do not have this conversation when your child is under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, and make sure you sound calm and rational. This may mean waiting a day if he comes home drunk from a party, or if her room smells like Marijuana . Ask your child what's been going on in her life. Discuss ways to avoid using alcohol and other drugs in the future. If you need help during this conversation, get another family member, your child's guidance counselor, or physician involved.

Remember to reinforce your no-drug policy during the conversation. Be firm and enforce whatever discipline you've laid out in the past for violation of house rules. You should discuss ways your child can regain your lost trust: calling in, spending evenings at home, or improving grades.

Just like many adults, many young people deny their alcohol and other drug use. If you have strong evidence that your child is lying, you may want to have her evaluated by a health professional experienced in diagnosing adolescents with alcohol- and drug-related problems. If you decide to go this route, remember that you're trying to help your child. Don't make the doctor's appointment seem like a threat or a punishment.

If your child has developed a pattern of drug use or an addiction, you will probably need to seek professional help. If you do not know about drug treatment programs in your area, call your doctor, local hospital, state or local substance abuse agencies, or county mental health society for a referral. Your school district should have a substance abuse coordinator or a counselor who can refer you to treatment programs, too. Parents whose children have been through treatment programs can also provide information.

Drug addiction is now understood to be a chronic, relapsing disease. It may require a number of attempts before your child can remain drug-free. Don't despair if your child's first try doesn't produce long-lasting results. Even if it's not apparent at the time, each step brings your child closer to a healthy life.

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People often worry that initiating a discussion will lead the person with the problem to take drastic steps. They might make a scene in front of other family members, move out of the house, drop out of school, drink or use other drugs even more and hide it from everyone, or retaliate against them or other family members.

However, you might find the conversation to be a wonderfully productive experience. Perhaps the person simply hasn't noticed behavior changes, or didn't realize that his or her substance use was a problem or was causing problems. And, without change, the problems may become so severe that the same drastic outcomes can result.

Following a few guidelines will help you have a discussion:


Don't bring up the subject when the person is under the influence of alcohol or other drugs. When people are high, they are less able to understand logic and are more likely to be impatient, dismissive, angry, and blaming. Some people have poor impulse control and may act irrationally or violently.
Don't be under the influence of substances yourself.
Establish a time to talk when the two of you can have more than a few minutes alone. Your goal is to have a dialogue — a two-way conversation in which you can state your concerns and understand the person's perception of the situation. Ask if you can set a time to speak in the next few days to discuss something on your mind. If the person responds by saying, "Now is fine," tell them you'd prefer to set time aside and not be interrupted.
When you meet, tell your family member that you care and it's this concern that led you to have this conversation.
List the behaviors you've observed. State that you are worried about the effect drinking or drug use is having. Express concern about continued use.
Create a two-way dialogue so the person doesn't feel lectured or badgered.
If the person states that there is definitely no problem, ask to talk again at some point in the future. Your goal is not to convince the person that there is a problem, but to let them know that you believe there is one and that your belief is based on observable behaviors.
Don't try to speculate or explore motives. It can sidetrack you from the main point.
Don't expect a dramatic shift in thinking or behavior right away; this conversation may be the first time the person has thought about this problem.

If the problem has only occurred over a short period of time, or has not reached a severe stage, it is possible that the person could successfully cut back on the use of alcohol or other drugs. If the person has not tried cutting back, you could suggest this strategy as a first step. Some people in the risky or abuse stages of substance use, or even in the early stage of addiction, are able to cut back and consistently use only minimal amounts in the future.

You may find, though — as many do — that people who can cut back are the exception, not the rule. Many people try to cut down and discover that they can't. Or, they can only cut back for a few days or a few weeks and then they resume heavy or excessive use. Trying to cut down and failing may help the person realize that the problem is more extensive than once thought.

You may also find that the person is able to stop completely. But many addicts have tried this strategy and couldn't stop or remain abstinent for any significant time. Ideally, the person should be assessed by a professional who can determine the best course of action depending on the severity of the problem and the medical, psychological and social history. If you sense the person is willing to consider that there is a problem, suggest that an evaluation or a consultation with a trusted medical or mental health professional. (This suggestion may be too threatening for some people during a first conversation of this kind.)

To talk with others struggling with similar issues, contact Al-Aanon, a Twelve-Step organization providing help to family members of alcoholics. Meetings, which are widely available and free of charge, can be found by calling 1-888-4AL-ANON or visiting http://www.al-anon.org/alalist_usa.html

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Movies, books, and magazines often portray people who "hit bottom" before they can be helped. However, this representation is a myth. People do not need to bottom out to be helped. Research shows that early identification of the problem is a much more effective solution for substance use problems.

Early identification occurs at the first signs of a problem — before anyone has suffered a traumatic event, dropped out of school, or lost important relationships, jobs, their health, or self-respect. Identification can be done through a screening by a health care professional, employee assistance professional, or even a family member. What happens after the screening depends on the results of the test. Some people can learn to cut back, while some need further assessment and possibly treatment.

For a quick online evaluation, take a look at the quizzes in our Assessing the Problem section.

In general, though, all people are better equipped to work on recovery if their substance use problem is discovered and confronted early. Treatment in the early stages of a substance use disorder is likely to be less intense, less disruptive, and cause less anxiety.

Waiting for people to ask for help is a risky strategy. Without help, family members can expect crises like arrests, medical emergencies, job loss, public embarrassment, and even death.
Also, as untreated problems continue, family members develop their own issues. Common symptoms in partners of people who have substance use problems include headaches, backaches, digestive problems, anxiety, and panic attacks. Children experience school behavior problems and poor academic performance, and are more likely to become substance users themselves.

It is not easy to live with someone who is using mind-altering substances. Taking steps to begin treatment and recovery can be a painful process, but it is the only path that holds promise for something better. As long as family members deny that there is a problem, the problem will progress and so will the suffering.

Start by getting help for yourself. Restore your own emotional stability and bring new direction and meaning to your life. You will be better equipped to deflect crises and arguments, and shift interactions with your impaired friend or family member.

Some people find when they seek help for themselves that the person with the substance use problem gets angry, perhaps because the efforts represent a loss of control. Also, getting help signals that you are serious about changing the situation. Some people threaten those seeking help to stop their efforts. Remain firm in your resolve to go forward, and be aware of your personal safety.

It's never too soon for you or for the substance user to seek help.