Letting Go of the Need to Control ......

[janbear]

Message
Clean42day
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Age: 3
Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 302


Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 11:25 pm Post subject: Letting Go of the Need to Control ......

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Letting Go of the Need to Control 27 Apr

Letting go of our need to control can set us and others free. It can set
our HP free to send the best to us.

If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be
doing differently?

What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we
go? What would we say?

What decisions would we make?

What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say
no or yes?

If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her
reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to
control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If
we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we
think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?

What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial
would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things
we've been doing that we'd stop?

How would we treat ourselves differently?

Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would
we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?

If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a
list, then do it.
.......M.B.


_________________
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from now and make a brand new ending"
~Carl Bard



Clean42day
Moderator



Age: 3
Joined: 07 Dec 2005
Posts: 302


Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2006 11:33 pm Post subject:

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Well this certainly put me back into the solution. instead of staying stuck in the "whys?" getting back into the "whats?" certainly does help move me forward. and see through the problem to the other side. if I never envision what letting go looks like, feel like, and acts like.....how can I possibly imagine getting there




_________________
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from now and make a brand new ending"
~Carl Bard

[Riatori]

I am new to this but I really enjoyed the message. Hope I can stay with it I'm long overdue for a change. Been chasing my tail and I'm worn out and dizzy. Thanks to this website I might still have a chance at a life before it is too late!

[clean42day]

I might still have a chance at a life before it is too late!

HI Raitori, I felt just like you at one time. someone once told me where there is life there is hope. as long as we are living and not pushing up daiseys there is always room for change, new beginnings and second chances.

I started my life over at the age of 40 and I would not trade the last 4 years for anything. The victory is so much sweeter when it has been well earned. and I put in 25 years of husting backwards to figure out I was going the wrong direction

now that I am moving forward, I can look back at my past as a reminder of what not to do again.

hope you have a wonderful day.....it is a choice!

light and love

Gail

[free2bunme]

Originally Posted by janbear

If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If
we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we
think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?

What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial
would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things
we've been doing that we'd stop?

How would we treat ourselves differently?

Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would
we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?

Interestingly, this post hit me totally differently than it did the first time I read it. Because I have given up trying to make other people change, as I did for the majority of my life, I thought that I had this pattern licked. But today I see my behavior in a whole new light. I tend to make decisions by taking into consideration the reactions of the difficult people in my life, most specifically my mother and father, rather than just letting them fend for themselves if they have a bad reaction. I try to protect them from themselves, if that makes any sense. And what happens is that I am very aware that I end up limiting myself in so many ways. It is very scary for me to let go of my need to control their reaction to me. I want to learn how and I will learn how, with my HP'S help.

[clean42day]

I found my answer to most of the questions today are: just be myself.

for most of my life due to being raised in a co-dependent and emotionally incesteous atmosphere I became something I wasn't in order to please people or at least avoid conflict. Walking on eggshells in our family was a natural consequence of belonging to the family structure. I thought this was normal and really didn't know any different. having personal autonomy was not taught or role-modeled, so I did what everyone else did. mold myself, my feelings, and actions to equal the path of least resistance, or to try and control outcomes.

as a result I never really had a sense of who I was or how to create a healthy independence from others. Actually I didn't believe I had the right to.

a lot of the unspoken covert rules that our family lived by were the hardest ones to uncover in recovery.

clear honest communication and speaking my truth was something I struggled to learn in recovery, not just with family members, but with everyone. it seemed backwards and too risky somehow, and maybe even selfish.

But it is a skill like any other skill.....it takes practice until healthy feelings eventually follow.

As soon as I learned it.....I jumped straight from being assertive to being aggressive.....and that is not all that healthy either.

Today I do take into consideration how my communication affects others but I don't get lost in the planning of all my words around their feelings. I do speak my truth.....but I don't get to blatently hurt others with my truth either. There is a balance and many times I still walk in the unknown grey area. But I must risk being true to myself because the alternative is to go back to something I'm not. and I refuse to do that for anyone today.

My sponsor says that other peoples reactions to me are "their work" and I do not get to save others from their work. Maybe that is exaclty the work they came into my life to do.....work on themselves. and without my truth they wouldn't get a chance to reflect on thier own.

we learn a lot about ourselves in relationships and the learning goes both ways. trying to save someone from their learning is not only dishonorable, it is not my job. sometimes being in a lot of pain and extremely uncomfortable is exactly what motivates people to change. This was true for me, I must have faith that God will help others through theirs.