Can't do this again!!! - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

11-06-2006, 01:47 PM

NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! I can't go through this again. I became suicidal at around 12 years old, that was approximately 1982. I started seeking help through doctors and counselors in 1992. Diagnosis: Depression

.

Then in 2003, it was changed to bi-polar. New meds, no real help.

Then Feb. 14, 2005, I admitted myself into state mental hospital. During admition, as my mother and I talked to Doc about my symptoms and history, Doc decided that I was having petit mahl seizures. That's why the depression was not being successfully managed by the meds. That's why nothing was working. I was 11 months sober. They put me on anti-seizure meds that night. Each day got noticeably better. I started to come to life, for the FIRST TIME.....IN MY LIFE.

It's been a year and a half. I found life, love, peace, joy, gratitude. There are not words for how dark it was before, and there are not words for how bright it has been since.

Then, slowly, over the last 6 months. I've gotten to be tired all the time. Can work pretty good most days, but am always ready for a 'nap'. Until one week before my period. Thats when I start to crash. On through until my period is over. Worse each month, this month really knocked my d*ck in the dirt.

I can't go back. I CAN'T!! It is most likely hormones

. Maybe first stages of early menopause. I'm terrified. The medication rollercoaster. Change things, try this, if it does not work, back up and try something new. All the while, I'm dying, inside, as the world goes on around me.

I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm talking to you about it because I know there is nothing you can do. God already knows what's going on, but he does not interfere with Life on Life's Terms. He does not remove me from life's dificulties, he brings me through them. I lived through 22 years of this. The deepest deep. The blackest black. The coldest cold. The emptiest emptiness.

I'm scared. I'm so very scared.

*admin* · 11-06-2006, 02:23 PM

Kai, I have sent you a pm. I am here for you.

Thinking of you and praying.

Love,
Tammy

fibiray · 11-06-2006, 05:41 PM

Oh Kai, Lord knows I know what you are feeling have done this route many a many atime. It possibly is hormones and the onset of menopasue. There are times particularly at night when I have an attack of the crazies, but I stick close to my higher power and I ride it out. I can go up to a month without any sleep which doesn't help my cause much neither. It can get quite desperate but I always try and remember the HALTS and ensure that any information that is going into my head is a positive and spiritual one. I don't watch depressing movies etc at this time. Also too I try and make the effort to get out of the house so to not isolate. Be kind to yourself. While you are going to meetings and working the program and not drinking or drugging, at the end of the day thats what counts. god bless

*janbear* · 11-06-2006, 06:23 PM

Kai

in much prayer for you
I dont have experience with menopause yet. But as i've shared before i do know what depression, bipolar is like. I also have schizo-affective disorder. All controlled by meds (non-narcotic, thank God). The depression and schizo-affective can be debilitating when the meds. are out of wack for me. That dying inside you speak of i understand. Sometimes i just flat have to go back to the hospital to get a med change. I was in Oct. of last year and Jan. of this year. My hubby has much learned the difference for me when it is all due to a situation happening in my life and when it is physiological. If its situational i muster everything i got to use the tools i have learned in the program, if its physiological i have to go to my Dr. to see what needs to be done. My hubby at such times can get me in the right direction because my thinking is impaired. I pray you have some form of support.
You said you didnt want to go back to the way things were, i dont want to see that happen to you either and i encourage you to see your Dr. again. The main thing here i wanted to do was let you know that you are not alone. I also get this feeling that i am sinking when i get that depressed. And suggest again to see your Dr. And make as many meetings as you possibly can. I know its hard, believe me i know its hard. My heart and prayers go out to you Kai.

*snugsnug* · 11-06-2006, 08:16 PM

in our thoughts and prayers

11-06-2006, 01:47 PM	#1
Kai Stevens Guest Posts: n/a	Can't do this again!!! NO, NO, NO, NO!!!! I can't go through this again. I became suicidal at around 12 years old, that was approximately 1982. I started seeking help through doctors and counselors in 1992. Diagnosis: Depression . Then in 2003, it was changed to bi-polar. New meds, no real help. Then Feb. 14, 2005, I admitted myself into state mental hospital. During admition, as my mother and I talked to Doc about my symptoms and history, Doc decided that I was having petit mahl seizures. That's why the depression was not being successfully managed by the meds. That's why nothing was working. I was 11 months sober. They put me on anti-seizure meds that night. Each day got noticeably better. I started to come to life, for the FIRST TIME.....IN MY LIFE. It's been a year and a half. I found life, love, peace, joy, gratitude. There are not words for how dark it was before, and there are not words for how bright it has been since. Then, slowly, over the last 6 months. I've gotten to be tired all the time. Can work pretty good most days, but am always ready for a 'nap'. Until one week before my period. Thats when I start to crash. On through until my period is over. Worse each month, this month really knocked my d*ck in the dirt. I can't go back. I CAN'T!! It is most likely hormones . Maybe first stages of early menopause. I'm terrified. The medication rollercoaster. Change things, try this, if it does not work, back up and try something new. All the while, I'm dying, inside, as the world goes on around me. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I'm talking to you about it because I know there is nothing you can do. God already knows what's going on, but he does not interfere with Life on Life's Terms. He does not remove me from life's dificulties, he brings me through them. I lived through 22 years of this. The deepest deep. The blackest black. The coldest cold. The emptiest emptiness. I'm scared. I'm so very scared.

11-06-2006, 06:23 PM	#4
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,175	Kai in much prayer for you I dont have experience with menopause yet. But as i've shared before i do know what depression, bipolar is like. I also have schizo-affective disorder. All controlled by meds (non-narcotic, thank God). The depression and schizo-affective can be debilitating when the meds. are out of wack for me. That dying inside you speak of i understand. Sometimes i just flat have to go back to the hospital to get a med change. I was in Oct. of last year and Jan. of this year. My hubby has much learned the difference for me when it is all due to a situation happening in my life and when it is physiological. If its situational i muster everything i got to use the tools i have learned in the program, if its physiological i have to go to my Dr. to see what needs to be done. My hubby at such times can get me in the right direction because my thinking is impaired. I pray you have some form of support. You said you didnt want to go back to the way things were, i dont want to see that happen to you either and i encourage you to see your Dr. again. The main thing here i wanted to do was let you know that you are not alone. I also get this feeling that i am sinking when i get that depressed. And suggest again to see your Dr. And make as many meetings as you possibly can. I know its hard, believe me i know its hard. My heart and prayers go out to you Kai. __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

11-06-2006, 08:16 PM	#5
snugsnug Servant of Christ Jesus Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 1,640	in our thoughts and prayers __________________ We know that it is not our job to win the Kingdoms of the world for ourselves. We simply have to make witness to Jesus Christ and to Him crucified. De Colores

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11-06-2006, 02:23 PM	#2
admin Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 28,249	Kai, I have sent you a pm. I am here for you. Thinking of you and praying. Love, Tammy

11-06-2006, 05:41 PM	#3
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	Oh Kai, Lord knows I know what you are feeling have done this route many a many atime. It possibly is hormones and the onset of menopasue. There are times particularly at night when I have an attack of the crazies, but I stick close to my higher power and I ride it out. I can go up to a month without any sleep which doesn't help my cause much neither. It can get quite desperate but I always try and remember the HALTS and ensure that any information that is going into my head is a positive and spiritual one. I don't watch depressing movies etc at this time. Also too I try and make the effort to get out of the house so to not isolate. Be kind to yourself. While you are going to meetings and working the program and not drinking or drugging, at the end of the day thats what counts. god bless