Adult child and primary care giver of an alcoholic - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

Brid · 11-07-2006, 09:11 PM

From the title you can see that I'm not only an adult child of an alcoholic, but the primary care giver for him. My dad has been an alcoholic for over 30 years (I'm 38). My parents divorced about 6 years ago, my mother finally had enough and I was out on my own, so she got out and hasn't looked back since....which is good for her. There are four of us in my family - mom, dad, brother, and me. My brother has a family of his own, so I'm left to provide the care that my father requires. My dad was a somewhat functional alcoholic (at least he managed to get to work) until he retired 2.5 years ago. Once he retired he was able to sit in his apartment and drink all day every day. He used to drink a 5th of vodka in three days, now he's probably drinking the same in a day-and-a-half, so his drinking has doubled. After 30 years, the drinking has taken a toll on his body. At 65 he can barely walk and requires the use of a walker. We've had MRIs and CAT Scans taken of his brain showing the massive shrinking of his brain, which affects all aspects of his life. Because my brother is so busy with work and his own family, I'm left to care for my dad (yes, I know I'm trying to over compensate and coming up with excuses for my brother). I'm not an enabler, I do what my therapist says is "enough so that I don't feel guilty when [my dad] dies." I don't get the booze, he knows better than to ask me. However, I'm at his apartment once or twice a week cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, making sure the bills are paid...well, you get the idea.

I'm just wondering if there is anyone else here who not only grew up with an alcoholic parent, but is now taking care of that parent, while he/she is still drinking. I would like to talk to anyone who is going through this. I don't share a lot about myself, this is the most I've shared with anyone in a long time (yes, I'm the classic ACoA regarding relationships...lol...I don't form them), so this is very strange for me. There are a couple of people who know a little of what I'm dealing with, but they always tell me "my parent just got tired of drinking and stopped." Well, that's not the same and I usually want to scream that, but I don't. I just smile and say "that's nice, you're lucky." I wish people would remember we're not all so fortunate.

Well, I don't want to bore everyone. If anyone can relate, please post or email me. Also, if anyone knows of support groups other than Al Anon, please pass on the information.

Thanks for reading.
Brid

irisheyes19 · 11-09-2006, 06:43 PM

Well I don't know what it feels like to have a dad that is still drinking, but I understand what it feels like to have an alcoholic dad with health problems and feeling like you have to be the parent to him. My dad has numerous health problems also, including congestive heart failure and brain damage as a result of a stroke. My dad is in a nursing home right now and now that I'm getter older he depends on myself and my grandmother to do things for him that normally adults would do for themselves. Its a heavy burden to always be worrying about his health and also dealing with his emotional problems when I have enough of those of my own! Just know I understand what you're going through.

11-07-2006, 09:11 PM	#1
Brid Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 2	Adult child and primary care giver of an alcoholic From the title you can see that I'm not only an adult child of an alcoholic, but the primary care giver for him. My dad has been an alcoholic for over 30 years (I'm 38). My parents divorced about 6 years ago, my mother finally had enough and I was out on my own, so she got out and hasn't looked back since....which is good for her. There are four of us in my family - mom, dad, brother, and me. My brother has a family of his own, so I'm left to provide the care that my father requires. My dad was a somewhat functional alcoholic (at least he managed to get to work) until he retired 2.5 years ago. Once he retired he was able to sit in his apartment and drink all day every day. He used to drink a 5th of vodka in three days, now he's probably drinking the same in a day-and-a-half, so his drinking has doubled. After 30 years, the drinking has taken a toll on his body. At 65 he can barely walk and requires the use of a walker. We've had MRIs and CAT Scans taken of his brain showing the massive shrinking of his brain, which affects all aspects of his life. Because my brother is so busy with work and his own family, I'm left to care for my dad (yes, I know I'm trying to over compensate and coming up with excuses for my brother). I'm not an enabler, I do what my therapist says is "enough so that I don't feel guilty when [my dad] dies." I don't get the booze, he knows better than to ask me. However, I'm at his apartment once or twice a week cleaning, doing the grocery shopping, making sure the bills are paid...well, you get the idea. I'm just wondering if there is anyone else here who not only grew up with an alcoholic parent, but is now taking care of that parent, while he/she is still drinking. I would like to talk to anyone who is going through this. I don't share a lot about myself, this is the most I've shared with anyone in a long time (yes, I'm the classic ACoA regarding relationships...lol...I don't form them), so this is very strange for me. There are a couple of people who know a little of what I'm dealing with, but they always tell me "my parent just got tired of drinking and stopped." Well, that's not the same and I usually want to scream that, but I don't. I just smile and say "that's nice, you're lucky." I wish people would remember we're not all so fortunate. Well, I don't want to bore everyone. If anyone can relate, please post or email me. Also, if anyone knows of support groups other than Al Anon, please pass on the information. Thanks for reading. Brid

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11-09-2006, 06:43 PM	#2
irisheyes19 Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: A small town in CT Posts: 3	Well I don't know what it feels like to have a dad that is still drinking, but I understand what it feels like to have an alcoholic dad with health problems and feeling like you have to be the parent to him. My dad has numerous health problems also, including congestive heart failure and brain damage as a result of a stroke. My dad is in a nursing home right now and now that I'm getter older he depends on myself and my grandmother to do things for him that normally adults would do for themselves. Its a heavy burden to always be worrying about his health and also dealing with his emotional problems when I have enough of those of my own! Just know I understand what you're going through.