Humor for Women

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1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flush Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3.. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

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WOMEN BEWARE!

We've all heard stories about people whose kidneys were stolen while they were passed out, but read on, because although those stories are just urban legends, this one is not and it's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep at night and woke up in the morning with someone else's thighs, the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these? and where were mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next and I knew it was the same gang, because my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) was precisely matched to the thighs they stuck me with earlier, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

And two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and watched in horrified fascination as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush.

This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one piece at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age has nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts, thinking, what could possibly be left for them to take? Well, my poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must admit that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

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"Save our planet...it's the only one with chocolate!"

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The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and
started to put it in her mouth. I took the item
away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't
know where it's been, it's dirty and probably
has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with
total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do
you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," ....I was thinking quickly," All moms
know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test.
You have to know it, or they don't let you be
a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes,
but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't
pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my
face and joy in my heart.

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WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the

cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back

of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman

wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote

control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV

remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come

shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to

him legally."



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how

you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair

out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom

and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that

husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He

addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom

leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury,

isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The

sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he

is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the

correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls

and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought

you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see,

it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton

of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling

papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to

roll my own ............ so does she. ( this guy could be the one on the

milk carton! )



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a

word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them

wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,

goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use

a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be

because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to

his wife and asked, "What?"



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so

stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow

me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God

made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the

coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up

first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The

husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do

it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife

replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the

man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show

me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him

at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

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Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.


Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

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One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

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AUNT KAREN is the mother of two high-spirited young girls. When I called her one morning, our conversation was constantly interrupted by the din of kids screaming and chasing each other. "Could you hold on for a moment?" my aunt finally asked, putting down the phone. Within ten seconds all I could hear was absolute silence. Then, "Okay, I'm back." "But it's so quiet!" I exclaimed. "You must have complete control over those two." "Not really," my aunt confessed wearily. "I'm in the closet."

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MID LIFE

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be....

Puhleeeeeeeze!

I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.


That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

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Slogans for Women's T-shirts

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.
5. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner Is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
12. I'm out of estrogen-and I have a gun.
13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?
14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
15. I hate everybody...and you're next.
16. And your point is...?
17. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
18. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
19. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.
20. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
21. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
22. All stressed out and no one to choke.
23. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
24. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
25. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
26. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
27. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.