Women's Issues in Recovery - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

*janbear* · 11-08-2006, 10:14 PM

Women's Issues in Recovery
by Rokelle Lerner

The developmental and psychological pathways that lead women to drug use are different than those of males. Female addicts/alcoholics exhibit more depression and suicidal tendencies than men, have a startling prevalence of physical or sexual abuse that far surpasses men and report a greater incidence of family substance abuse. Women get to treatment at much later stages of the disease than men. This is in part due to our society's reluctance to acknowledge women alcoholics.
Also, women hold many more menial positions in the workplace than men and are therefore harder to spot. In a study done by Dr. Bob Akerman, it was learned that the average age of a child when she/he learns of dad's alcoholism is approximately 12.6 years of age. The average age of the child who recognizes that mom is an alcoholic is 18.3 years of age! This points out that there is tremendous denial in our culture to recognize women who are addicts/alcoholics and get them help.
We also have to acknowledge that culturally women have lower self esteem than men. How many times have we heard parents of girls say that "we will try again for a boy"? The shame of being a woman goes way back and is evident in quotes by Thomas Aquinas: "A woman is a man gone wrong" or the Orthodox Jewish prayer "Dear God, thank you for not making me a woman".
Women who are addicted carry not only the cultural shame of being a woman, but also being a woman who is alcoholic/addicted. If a man is an alcoholic he is considered to be funny, just acting foolish or simply having a good time. When a woman is addicted, she is called a lush, a "floozy", sometimes a ********************, etc. Counsellors who deal with women need to be aware of this shame and the depression that often accompanies it. When it is not addressed, this shame, and the depression surrounding the shame, can be a powerful trigger for relapse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There has historically been a hideous lack of research on women.
In fact, most of the models that we take for granted have been based solely on investigating boys and men. For example, research in women's development shows that the models for human growth have been based on studying adolescent males. The ideas of separation and individuation does not fit in most women's experience. In addition, the addiction treatment model that is used in the United States was developed by Gellineck who based his findings by studying middle aged men.
There is no surprise to me why many women have difficulty in the treatment and recovery process of addiction. Carol Gilligan, author of In A Different Voice, puts it eloquently: It all goes back to Adam and Eve, a story which shows of course, that if you make a women out of a man, you're bound to get into trouble!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women have some special needs that most treatment centers to not address. According to the Centre for Substance Abuse Treatment in Washington D.C., there are fourteen primary issues that alcoholic/addicted women need to address in treatment and recovery: Low Self Esteem - Powerlessness - Sexism - Family of Origin issues - Unhealthy Relationships - Violence - Incest - Rape - Sexuality - Recreation - Grief and Loss - Parenting - Vision ForThe Future - Life Planning.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is nothing more important in a woman's life than her relationships.
Women define themselves through a series of complex relationships throughout their lives. Women often take drugs to escape anxiety and loneliness and can often specify some sort of traumatic relationship event that preceded their drinking or other addiction. Because of their sensitivity to relationships, women are also more aware of their family history of drug use and will often take care of others before they care for themselves. From the recent studies on women's development, this is not necessarily pathological. Men are trained to develop an ethic of "justice" while women are trained to develop an ethic of "care".
So often as women we are shamed and called co-dependent because of our caring, this is absolutely unjust.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We must look at the inherent shame and low self esteem that plague women that often lead to depression.
For this reason, it is possible that once a woman is sober, rather than feeling better, she is depressed or anxious. Many recovering women find that after treatment they need help for depression, obsessive compulsive disorders or eating disorders. It is almost as it the addiction is the first layer of the onion. If a woman in recovery finds herself in need of therapy, if she finds that she needs to be on medication for some other disorder then by all means, she needs to get additional help. I don't believe that if someone is severely depressed and needs medication that they are breaking their sobriety date.
Here is another blatant example of inevitable relapse if we don't attend to these important issues. I will also add that according to the research done by Dr. Jeffery Fortuna, it is important that you individuals give their sobriety at least 60-90 days before they start on any medication.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many women have medicated themselves with drugs or alcohol to avoid dealing with the pain of childhood sexual abuse. In fact, the majority of addicted women have a history of incest, sexual abuse and physical abuse. In these cases, women have used alcohol or drugs as a self induced dissociated state.
Once sober, these painful memories may reoccur. For these women, extra support and therapy will probably be needed. While delving into these issues may not be totally appropriate in early sobriety, women need to learn how to soothe themselves when flashbacks and anxiety occur. I don't believe that a therapist should force any individual to delve into abuse issues.
However, if a woman brings these issues forward in treatment, then it will be crucial for her to know where help is available. Obviously, if a woman is having traumatic flashbacks during treatment or early sobriety, we cannot ignore the implications of this in recovery.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a woman is returning home to a violent or battering situation, we need to leave her with resources where she can seek help. Addictions counsellors need to ask the right questions of women in treatment. If a woman is reluctant to return home, do we ask why?
When treating the recovering female, we cannot assume that her reluctance to go home is simply of normal response to returning to family life. If we ask a woman if she is being beaten at home, she will probably say no.
However, if you ask specifically, have you been shoved, slapped, bruised or threatened, you may get very different responses. If woman is returning to a home where she is battered, then her sobriety and maybe her life is clearly at risk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since there is a high correlation between eating disorders and sexual abuse, many of the women I have worked with have eating disorders that rage out of control during sobriety. In the addictions field, it is a tradition not to treat for other dysfunctions until after two years of sobriety.
This clearly does not work for women. If someone is bingeing and purging several times a day, there will be no sobriety. If this is the case, there is help available and books to read that will help you to come to peace with these issues of sexual abuse.
Two books I would recommend are Awakening Your Sexuality, by Covington and The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis. An important reminder for women is that there is a whole community of folks that she can turn to for help. She doesn't have to do this by herself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the women in recovery who are reading this article, I have a suggestion: If you find that during or after treatment, you are suffering form depression, anxiety, eating disorders or other problems, please communicate this to your loved ones. It will not only help them to understand why you may be having a difficult time, but it will also provide you with the support that you need and deserve. It is of utmost importance for women to talk about their relationships with their spouse and their children before returning home. One aspect that women fear most is their ability to be intimate and sexual with their partners. Many women feel that they can only be romantic or sexual when they are using. We need to remind women to be gently and patient with themselves while they discover who they are as a sober, recovering woman. Women may have to start from the beginning by caressing, touching and not being sexual.
The key to success is communication. If you are afraid of physical contact then find ways to talk about this or even write it in a letter. If you are so anxious that you will no longer be able to "perform" sexually, then it is important that you communicate this so your partner doesn't take this personally. A mentor of mine once told me that you "can't scream at a rose to grow". Awakening our sexuality doesn't happen by becoming self-deprecating, blaming or going into fits of rage. This is also an area in which many couples seek help.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recovery means finding a way of living that works for us: spiritually, emotionally and physically.
This means we need attend to the needs of women and help them to find ways of making their lives more joyful, peaceful and loving. Recovering women are undergoing a spiritual, physical and emotional awakening. Itâ€™s almost as if they are awakening from a deep sleep. What a gift this is to themselves and to their loved ones!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So this journey of recovery is not just returning home to your family and loved ones, it is about finally coming home to ourselves. And discovering, at last, that our internal home is a wonderful place to be. The following is a poem by Melissa Manchester that has inspired many of us who are on the journey towards recovery:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wake up and see the light of the day shining on me
Make my own time, it's mine to spend
Think to myself, my own best friend
And it's not so bad all alone coming home to myself again.
Now I understand, that whatever I feel is whoever I am
Watching my life and how it's grown...
Looking on back to thing I've know
And it's not so bad, all alone, coming home to myself again.
It's not so bad to get lost in my tears, and to laugh and to cry
for the years gone by.
Now, finally I know, that I've come a long way
But I've got a long way to go...
And something inside is keeping me strong
And in the hard times, I'll get along
Cuz its not so bad all alone coming home to myself again.
I'm coming home.

Rokelle Lerner is the author of the bestselling "Daily Affirmations For Children Of Alcoholics" and the co-founder of Children Are People Too.

11-12-2006, 06:07 AM

Great post Jan. Thanks.
love ya

cassie

flickchic · 11-12-2006, 05:51 PM

Yes, I agree Cassie; great post Jan, thank's.

Quote:

Since there is a high correlation between eating disorders and sexual abuse, many of the women I have worked with have eating disorders that rage out of control during sobriety.

I did not realise the connection was so strong; I have found since beginning sobriety that I have eating binges, I do not purge, I just have eating binges; once a month!!!.....I go for the choccy bit and then I go through a savoury one......and even though it is obviously pmt/pms related I also am aware that this particular time of the month is my peak for emotional disturbance and....

ah ha light bulb moment; it also was my peak time for booze binging. duh flick, bit slow on the pick up there!!!! Oh well at least recognition has happened!!!

I guess that's where the 'savoury' part of my binge has come from/ I have always had the choccy one....(it's the only time I'm really interested in chocolate....any other time it makes me tired.)

my "binging" has gone from a day or so to a week or so, and then I will go the total opposite and not be interested in food for ages and have to remind myself that I cannot live on caffine and cigarettes!!!!

I also do know that my pmt/pms booze binges were to escape the past that is attached to that time of the month; this article talks of "culture" issues for women; i.e. the past that we have carried into today; generations of historical attitudes and lack of insight for women; well I understand it to be that we carry a lot of history regarding pmt/pms also, and that this can be heightened monthly, particuarly for those of us whom have had our sexuality abused and have been sexually abused.; (I am attempting to put some more perspective onto the bigger picture here as I write)......

Quote:

Many recovering women find that after treatment they need help for depression, obsessive compulsive disorders or eating disorders. It is almost as it the addiction is the first layer of the onion.

hmmmm, this post certainly has given the brain some 'food for thought'.

simplicity · 11-15-2006, 03:07 PM

so much good infor in your post. thanks. the first time I tried to clean up off anything I went back into a using home and an abusive relationship. It didn't work. This time I've done everything different. Have long since left abusive relationship, went to treatment, recovery house,moved to be closer to support provided by recovery house and recovery community,moved in with family member whos in recovery also, developed and am maintaining relationships with women, no male relationships for over 18 months now, establishing a relationship with teenage daughter(who lives with me)and 2 other daughters and 2 grandsons. Life is amazing with women in my life. Truly; the best things in life are free. Thanks for the information.

free2bunme · 11-15-2006, 05:01 PM

THANKS

11-08-2006, 10:14 PM	#1
janbear willing servant Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 14,162	Women's Issues in Recovery Women's Issues in Recovery by Rokelle Lerner The developmental and psychological pathways that lead women to drug use are different than those of males. Female addicts/alcoholics exhibit more depression and suicidal tendencies than men, have a startling prevalence of physical or sexual abuse that far surpasses men and report a greater incidence of family substance abuse. Women get to treatment at much later stages of the disease than men. This is in part due to our society's reluctance to acknowledge women alcoholics. Also, women hold many more menial positions in the workplace than men and are therefore harder to spot. In a study done by Dr. Bob Akerman, it was learned that the average age of a child when she/he learns of dad's alcoholism is approximately 12.6 years of age. The average age of the child who recognizes that mom is an alcoholic is 18.3 years of age! This points out that there is tremendous denial in our culture to recognize women who are addicts/alcoholics and get them help. We also have to acknowledge that culturally women have lower self esteem than men. How many times have we heard parents of girls say that "we will try again for a boy"? The shame of being a woman goes way back and is evident in quotes by Thomas Aquinas: "A woman is a man gone wrong" or the Orthodox Jewish prayer "Dear God, thank you for not making me a woman". Women who are addicted carry not only the cultural shame of being a woman, but also being a woman who is alcoholic/addicted. If a man is an alcoholic he is considered to be funny, just acting foolish or simply having a good time. When a woman is addicted, she is called a lush, a "floozy", sometimes a ********************, etc. Counsellors who deal with women need to be aware of this shame and the depression that often accompanies it. When it is not addressed, this shame, and the depression surrounding the shame, can be a powerful trigger for relapse. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There has historically been a hideous lack of research on women. In fact, most of the models that we take for granted have been based solely on investigating boys and men. For example, research in women's development shows that the models for human growth have been based on studying adolescent males. The ideas of separation and individuation does not fit in most women's experience. In addition, the addiction treatment model that is used in the United States was developed by Gellineck who based his findings by studying middle aged men. There is no surprise to me why many women have difficulty in the treatment and recovery process of addiction. Carol Gilligan, author of In A Different Voice, puts it eloquently: It all goes back to Adam and Eve, a story which shows of course, that if you make a women out of a man, you're bound to get into trouble! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Women have some special needs that most treatment centers to not address. According to the Centre for Substance Abuse Treatment in Washington D.C., there are fourteen primary issues that alcoholic/addicted women need to address in treatment and recovery: Low Self Esteem - Powerlessness - Sexism - Family of Origin issues - Unhealthy Relationships - Violence - Incest - Rape - Sexuality - Recreation - Grief and Loss - Parenting - Vision ForThe Future - Life Planning. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There is nothing more important in a woman's life than her relationships. Women define themselves through a series of complex relationships throughout their lives. Women often take drugs to escape anxiety and loneliness and can often specify some sort of traumatic relationship event that preceded their drinking or other addiction. Because of their sensitivity to relationships, women are also more aware of their family history of drug use and will often take care of others before they care for themselves. From the recent studies on women's development, this is not necessarily pathological. Men are trained to develop an ethic of "justice" while women are trained to develop an ethic of "care". So often as women we are shamed and called co-dependent because of our caring, this is absolutely unjust. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We must look at the inherent shame and low self esteem that plague women that often lead to depression. For this reason, it is possible that once a woman is sober, rather than feeling better, she is depressed or anxious. Many recovering women find that after treatment they need help for depression, obsessive compulsive disorders or eating disorders. It is almost as it the addiction is the first layer of the onion. If a woman in recovery finds herself in need of therapy, if she finds that she needs to be on medication for some other disorder then by all means, she needs to get additional help. I don't believe that if someone is severely depressed and needs medication that they are breaking their sobriety date. Here is another blatant example of inevitable relapse if we don't attend to these important issues. I will also add that according to the research done by Dr. Jeffery Fortuna, it is important that you individuals give their sobriety at least 60-90 days before they start on any medication. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many women have medicated themselves with drugs or alcohol to avoid dealing with the pain of childhood sexual abuse. In fact, the majority of addicted women have a history of incest, sexual abuse and physical abuse. In these cases, women have used alcohol or drugs as a self induced dissociated state. Once sober, these painful memories may reoccur. For these women, extra support and therapy will probably be needed. While delving into these issues may not be totally appropriate in early sobriety, women need to learn how to soothe themselves when flashbacks and anxiety occur. I don't believe that a therapist should force any individual to delve into abuse issues. However, if a woman brings these issues forward in treatment, then it will be crucial for her to know where help is available. Obviously, if a woman is having traumatic flashbacks during treatment or early sobriety, we cannot ignore the implications of this in recovery. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a woman is returning home to a violent or battering situation, we need to leave her with resources where she can seek help. Addictions counsellors need to ask the right questions of women in treatment. If a woman is reluctant to return home, do we ask why? When treating the recovering female, we cannot assume that her reluctance to go home is simply of normal response to returning to family life. If we ask a woman if she is being beaten at home, she will probably say no. However, if you ask specifically, have you been shoved, slapped, bruised or threatened, you may get very different responses. If woman is returning to a home where she is battered, then her sobriety and maybe her life is clearly at risk. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Since there is a high correlation between eating disorders and sexual abuse, many of the women I have worked with have eating disorders that rage out of control during sobriety. In the addictions field, it is a tradition not to treat for other dysfunctions until after two years of sobriety. This clearly does not work for women. If someone is bingeing and purging several times a day, there will be no sobriety. If this is the case, there is help available and books to read that will help you to come to peace with these issues of sexual abuse. Two books I would recommend are Awakening Your Sexuality, by Covington and The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis. An important reminder for women is that there is a whole community of folks that she can turn to for help. She doesn't have to do this by herself. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the women in recovery who are reading this article, I have a suggestion: If you find that during or after treatment, you are suffering form depression, anxiety, eating disorders or other problems, please communicate this to your loved ones. It will not only help them to understand why you may be having a difficult time, but it will also provide you with the support that you need and deserve. It is of utmost importance for women to talk about their relationships with their spouse and their children before returning home. One aspect that women fear most is their ability to be intimate and sexual with their partners. Many women feel that they can only be romantic or sexual when they are using. We need to remind women to be gently and patient with themselves while they discover who they are as a sober, recovering woman. Women may have to start from the beginning by caressing, touching and not being sexual. The key to success is communication. If you are afraid of physical contact then find ways to talk about this or even write it in a letter. If you are so anxious that you will no longer be able to "perform" sexually, then it is important that you communicate this so your partner doesn't take this personally. A mentor of mine once told me that you "can't scream at a rose to grow". Awakening our sexuality doesn't happen by becoming self-deprecating, blaming or going into fits of rage. This is also an area in which many couples seek help. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recovery means finding a way of living that works for us: spiritually, emotionally and physically. This means we need attend to the needs of women and help them to find ways of making their lives more joyful, peaceful and loving. Recovering women are undergoing a spiritual, physical and emotional awakening. Itâ€™s almost as if they are awakening from a deep sleep. What a gift this is to themselves and to their loved ones! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So this journey of recovery is not just returning home to your family and loved ones, it is about finally coming home to ourselves. And discovering, at last, that our internal home is a wonderful place to be. The following is a poem by Melissa Manchester that has inspired many of us who are on the journey towards recovery: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wake up and see the light of the day shining on me Make my own time, it's mine to spend Think to myself, my own best friend And it's not so bad all alone coming home to myself again. Now I understand, that whatever I feel is whoever I am Watching my life and how it's grown... Looking on back to thing I've know And it's not so bad, all alone, coming home to myself again. It's not so bad to get lost in my tears, and to laugh and to cry for the years gone by. Now, finally I know, that I've come a long way But I've got a long way to go... And something inside is keeping me strong And in the hard times, I'll get along Cuz its not so bad all alone coming home to myself again. I'm coming home. Rokelle Lerner is the author of the bestselling "Daily Affirmations For Children Of Alcoholics" and the co-founder of Children Are People Too. __________________ And this above all, to thine own self be true. And it must follow as night the day, thou canst not be false to any man. -Shakespeare For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

11-15-2006, 05:01 PM	#5
free2bunme Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Atlanta, Georgia Posts: 1,542	THANKS __________________ The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. Elbert Hubbard It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. e.e. cummings When sleeping women wake, mountains move. Chinese Proverb Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Eliot Let nothing upset you, Let nothing frighten you. Everything is changing; God alone is changeless. Patience attains the goal. Who has God lacks nothing; God alone fills all needs. Saint Teresa of Avila

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11-12-2006, 06:07 AM	#2
cassie Guest Posts: n/a	Great post Jan. Thanks. love ya cassie

11-15-2006, 03:07 PM	#4
simplicity recovering addict Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: new west, b.c. Posts: 22	so much good infor in your post. thanks. the first time I tried to clean up off anything I went back into a using home and an abusive relationship. It didn't work. This time I've done everything different. Have long since left abusive relationship, went to treatment, recovery house,moved to be closer to support provided by recovery house and recovery community,moved in with family member whos in recovery also, developed and am maintaining relationships with women, no male relationships for over 18 months now, establishing a relationship with teenage daughter(who lives with me)and 2 other daughters and 2 grandsons. Life is amazing with women in my life. Truly; the best things in life are free. Thanks for the information.