Telling friends about your past - Cyber Recovery Social Network Forums

irisheyes19 · 11-09-2006, 03:54 PM

My dad was an abusive alcoholic for many years and although I don't live with him anymore, I can see it has affected me. I am in college now and I have never had a boyfriend, I am generally not a very trusting person and I have a hard time making friends because I can't open up to people. I have made a few friends now but none of them know about my past experiences because I don't know how to tell them. I'm afraid people think I'm just loner that just likes to keep to herself but its not true. I want to my friends to understand me but I don't know how to talk to people about it. I just keep all my feelings to myself because I don't know how to say to these people I've known for years "hey, did I ever tell you about how my dad drank himself silly for ten years and emotionally and physically abused me and my entire family?" Its just not the type of thing you bring up in a casual conversation. I'm almost embarassed to talk about it with people but I think if they knew me a little better we could have a closer relationship.

free2bunme · 11-09-2006, 05:13 PM

hey irish eyes .. i totally understand, we ACOAs have a very difficult time trusting and opening up to others. We also tend to be ashamed about the insanity of our family life and carry that burden around with us. Have you thought about going to an Al-anon meeting? A lot of people think it's to learn how to deal with the still practicing alcoholic - and while there are people there in those types of situations, there are also plenty of ACOA's in their OWN recovery from the present effects of past alocholism in the family. It would be a great support network for you and a way to find friends who you could feel more comfortable sharing your experiences with. I have found that talking about it is the most effective way to heal. Glad you reached out, keep coming back. You are not alone. With love, Frannie

*snugsnug* · 11-09-2006, 05:18 PM

hey irisheyes19, i am sterling and i am an addict, i know how you feel, both of my parents are alcholics, my mother passed away as a direct result of her disease, and my father is in recovery, they did the best they could do.

you have found a good place to share, also there are 12step acoa groups around. here is a link that can help you find a group locally http://allone.com/12/aca/

fibiray · 11-09-2006, 05:22 PM

Hi there irish eyes. First of all I say ditto to what has already been said. I too struggle with opening up to people and have in the past suffered in silence. When it comes to people outside the fellowship, I tend to follow my gut instinct. There are some people I will tell and others I won't because they only condem what they don't understand. The way I see it those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Maybe there is just one person that you might feel comforatble enough with that you can share only a small portion of your experiences with. But as said alanon is the best thing because there are others that have had the same experience as you thatunderstand your feelings. Glad that you shared. keep coming back. god bless

Fi
xxx

irisheyes19 · 11-09-2006, 06:20 PM

Thanks for your support everyone. I have thought about going to a meeting but I think I would be too embarassed to even go. I guess it's because I have gotten so used to hiding how I feel that I have gotten comfortable being this way and don't want people to know that I'm hurting. I have always put on a happy face and pretended like everything was fine when it wasn't. I think it's my way of putting up a wall so I don't get hurt again. I don't know its a vicious cycle, I wish I could tell my close friends but I just don't know how to say it?

11-10-2006, 01:23 PM

I'm Kai, grateful alcoholic.

An Alanon meeting will help YOU. Because you are right, you have been affected by the environment you grew up in. The people you meet in Alanon, will understand all of those feelings you are having. They understand shame, fear, denial, isolation, self-blame. Some people get frightened by things they don't understand, but the people in the program, will understand fully. They can share their experiences with you so that you can see that you are not alone, and many of the feeling you have are just natural responses to the life you grew up with.

Give them a chance. You won't be sorry. You will find a Home.

Love ya later. kai

blessed2be · 01-01-2007, 10:58 AM

Irish Eyes...I have been where you are. I could have written your post as my own. I am a newbie here and grew up emotionally and physically abused by my father and hurt by my mother's "detachment" from it all. This is my first post ever and I had to respond. I am 31 yrs old, married and a mom of three. I missed so many great friendships because I never could open up. I felt so many people would judge me and see me as such trash. Then it was almost like something snapped in me...for the better. I didn't want to hide anymore. I was very open, when appropriate, and it was almost a light bulb for those around me. The abuse wasn't my fault...I was a child. Everyone understands that. I also felt that I would be letting my parents "win" if I let them continue to affect me in my adult life. I have been working so hard in shaping up myself. I am planning on attending my first al-anon meeting this week. Don't let them win. As an adult, you have the chance to break the mold. Take it. You are a beautiful person that deserves to live a full life without the shadow of your past looming over you at all times. Life is for living, not hiding. Go to an al-anon meeting. I bet most people there were exactly as you are now. Find your higher power and spread your wings. You deserve that and owe it to yourself.

*clean42day* · 01-01-2007, 04:00 PM

Hello ....... Part of the problem of the alcoholic family and it's dysfunctional systems....is the deep toxic shame and guilt we carry around. This is exactly what holds us hostage to continue living in the problem. We are taught to deny what we see....tell ourselves it is not real...or that it is normal....and what we really do....is take responsibility for the shame of others. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT.... WE DIDN'T CREATE IT THE PROBLEM OF ALCOHOLISM, WE DON'T OWN THE DISEASE OURSELVES,WE ARE NOT THE PERPATRATOR AND THE ABUSER....AND IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBITY TO HIDE IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE ANYMORE. But you know what?.....our silence, our embarrassment, our shame, all the little lies we tell ourselves about others not accepting us, or they won't understand us...or they will think we are wierd....is exactly what keeps the Disease alive in us....without a drink, long after our partents and the abuse is out of our lives anymore....we continue to abuse ourselves with "silence" distrust, isolation, fear, guilt, and shame.

The only way to break a pattern.....is to do the exact opposite. Face your fears and the death of fear is certain. so what that looked like for me was:
I STARTED NOT ONLY TELLING MYSELF THE TRUTH....I STARTED TELLING MY TRUTH TO OTHERS. I had to risk it...you know why? because the way I was living with it was killing me and eating me alive from the inside out. All these little secrets had to come out....they were poisioning me, my life, my spirit, my mind, my body and my relationships.... for the first time in my life....taking care of my own pain became more important than hiding thier shame, and thier actions of what happened.

Healing from it all...became the most important thing to me....it became my #1 top priority. and if that meant that I was going to loose some people in my life who did not understand that.....then so be it....If they don't understand...do I really need them in my life?

So no I did not go out there blurting it all out to everyone who would listen...I started in a safe atmosphere like alanon, codependents anonymous and therapy groups....where it was a safe, healthy enviornment of supportive people who had experienced exactly what I had experienced. and once I began to "purge" the poison out of my system....it released some of the shame and it became easier to speak my truth.

it is not so much....that we ACOA's cannot trust other people with our truth....it is that we never really learned #1 How to trust ourselves to keep ourselves safe first....and #2 we never really learned the art of discernment of WHO to trust. I was so sick....and dysfunctional in the beginning...I would pick the very person to tell my truth to who would betray my trust again and again...because that is what I learned as a child. a perpetrator/victim relationship.....and I keept the pattern alive....by repeating what was familiar. When I realized that! is when my life began to change.

telling our truth and not hiding it under the rug....is what breaks the chains that bind us. it is the beginning of the freedom from self we have been looking for all our lives. You have to let go of who you are....in order to become who you might be. risk it.....it's worth the rewards and results you will get.

Find a therapy group, alanon, coda. acoa...anything......but don't sit there in silenct isolation and let your perpatrator/ abuser steal another moment of your life by hiding the secrets. Telling the truth, our truth...is the key that opens a whole new door to healing..

light and love

Gail

DaddysLittleGirl · 01-27-2007, 08:23 PM

Irish Eyes,
I'm a junior in college and this is the first time I've gone poking around on this site, accepting the fact that my dad's drinking had an affect on me is really new- and really hard. But, I wanted you to know, that I can at least kind of relate to how you feel. My dad was not abusive...only verbally abusive sometimes....but I have also shut out much of the world, and especially men, because...I'm afraid. I'm the one that takes care of all my friends, but only two or three of them have any idea what my life was like...It's just not something that I can talk about. But, I do have one friend, who I have started to let in...but believe me, it's been just as hard for her as it has been for me...I'm sure you can relate to the need to constantly test people...to make sure you can trust them...and to make sure that they aren't going anywhere.....
Anyway, if you ever want to talk, just let me know. Best of luck & take care.

KBA123 · 07-11-2007, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by irisheyes19

Thanks for your support everyone. I have thought about going to a meeting but I think I would be too embarassed to even go. I guess it's because I have gotten so used to hiding how I feel that I have gotten comfortable being this way and don't want people to know that I'm hurting. I have always put on a happy face and pretended like everything was fine when it wasn't. I think it's my way of putting up a wall so I don't get hurt again. I don't know its a vicious cycle, I wish I could tell my close friends but I just don't know how to say it?

That is exactly how I feel, too comfortable to break the mold - so to speak.
I honestly don't think there's a way to just come outright and tell one of your friends...
"Hey Michelle, you know, I had/have some serious issues growing up with alcoholism at home. I was mentally/physically abused, this is why I am the way I am"...etc.etc...

I think it'll either come naturally to someone you meet who will make you feel completely comfortable and you'll open up then - a new person maybe?
Or one day, you'll be with one of your friends and it'll just come out like a flood.
It did with me a few weeks ago and I felt like a complete idiot, BUT, it felt great, she knew what was going on and was understanding.

Or maybe attending one of those meetings will help, which I have yet to attend myself.
So you're definitely not alone, we're in the same boat, so move over and make some room.

11-09-2006, 05:18 PM	#3
snugsnug Servant of Christ Jesus Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 1,640	hey irisheyes19, i am sterling and i am an addict, i know how you feel, both of my parents are alcholics, my mother passed away as a direct result of her disease, and my father is in recovery, they did the best they could do. you have found a good place to share, also there are 12step acoa groups around. here is a link that can help you find a group locally http://allone.com/12/aca/ __________________ We know that it is not our job to win the Kingdoms of the world for ourselves. We simply have to make witness to Jesus Christ and to Him crucified. De Colores

01-01-2007, 04:00 PM	#8
clean42day Moderator Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Lancaster CA Posts: 1,770	Hello ....... Part of the problem of the alcoholic family and it's dysfunctional systems....is the deep toxic shame and guilt we carry around. This is exactly what holds us hostage to continue living in the problem. We are taught to deny what we see....tell ourselves it is not real...or that it is normal....and what we really do....is take responsibility for the shame of others. IT IS NOT OUR FAULT.... WE DIDN'T CREATE IT THE PROBLEM OF ALCOHOLISM, WE DON'T OWN THE DISEASE OURSELVES,WE ARE NOT THE PERPATRATOR AND THE ABUSER....AND IT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBITY TO HIDE IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE ANYMORE. But you know what?.....our silence, our embarrassment, our shame, all the little lies we tell ourselves about others not accepting us, or they won't understand us...or they will think we are wierd....is exactly what keeps the Disease alive in us....without a drink, long after our partents and the abuse is out of our lives anymore....we continue to abuse ourselves with "silence" distrust, isolation, fear, guilt, and shame. The only way to break a pattern.....is to do the exact opposite. Face your fears and the death of fear is certain. so what that looked like for me was: I STARTED NOT ONLY TELLING MYSELF THE TRUTH....I STARTED TELLING MY TRUTH TO OTHERS. I had to risk it...you know why? because the way I was living with it was killing me and eating me alive from the inside out. All these little secrets had to come out....they were poisioning me, my life, my spirit, my mind, my body and my relationships.... for the first time in my life....taking care of my own pain became more important than hiding thier shame, and thier actions of what happened. Healing from it all...became the most important thing to me....it became my #1 top priority. and if that meant that I was going to loose some people in my life who did not understand that.....then so be it....If they don't understand...do I really need them in my life? So no I did not go out there blurting it all out to everyone who would listen...I started in a safe atmosphere like alanon, codependents anonymous and therapy groups....where it was a safe, healthy enviornment of supportive people who had experienced exactly what I had experienced. and once I began to "purge" the poison out of my system....it released some of the shame and it became easier to speak my truth. it is not so much....that we ACOA's cannot trust other people with our truth....it is that we never really learned #1 How to trust ourselves to keep ourselves safe first....and #2 we never really learned the art of discernment of WHO to trust. I was so sick....and dysfunctional in the beginning...I would pick the very person to tell my truth to who would betray my trust again and again...because that is what I learned as a child. a perpetrator/victim relationship.....and I keept the pattern alive....by repeating what was familiar. When I realized that! is when my life began to change. telling our truth and not hiding it under the rug....is what breaks the chains that bind us. it is the beginning of the freedom from self we have been looking for all our lives. You have to let go of who you are....in order to become who you might be. risk it.....it's worth the rewards and results you will get. Find a therapy group, alanon, coda. acoa...anything......but don't sit there in silenct isolation and let your perpatrator/ abuser steal another moment of your life by hiding the secrets. Telling the truth, our truth...is the key that opens a whole new door to healing.. light and love Gail __________________ Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, we can all start from today and make a brand new ending. ~Carl Bard~ "Live today fully, expressing gratitude for all you have been, all you are right now, and all you are becoming." Melodie Beattie

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11-09-2006, 03:54 PM	#1
irisheyes19 Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: A small town in CT Posts: 3	Telling friends about your past My dad was an abusive alcoholic for many years and although I don't live with him anymore, I can see it has affected me. I am in college now and I have never had a boyfriend, I am generally not a very trusting person and I have a hard time making friends because I can't open up to people. I have made a few friends now but none of them know about my past experiences because I don't know how to tell them. I'm afraid people think I'm just loner that just likes to keep to herself but its not true. I want to my friends to understand me but I don't know how to talk to people about it. I just keep all my feelings to myself because I don't know how to say to these people I've known for years "hey, did I ever tell you about how my dad drank himself silly for ten years and emotionally and physically abused me and my entire family?" Its just not the type of thing you bring up in a casual conversation. I'm almost embarassed to talk about it with people but I think if they knew me a little better we could have a closer relationship.

11-09-2006, 05:13 PM	#2
free2bunme Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Atlanta, Georgia Posts: 1,542	hey irish eyes .. i totally understand, we ACOAs have a very difficult time trusting and opening up to others. We also tend to be ashamed about the insanity of our family life and carry that burden around with us. Have you thought about going to an Al-anon meeting? A lot of people think it's to learn how to deal with the still practicing alcoholic - and while there are people there in those types of situations, there are also plenty of ACOA's in their OWN recovery from the present effects of past alocholism in the family. It would be a great support network for you and a way to find friends who you could feel more comfortable sharing your experiences with. I have found that talking about it is the most effective way to heal. Glad you reached out, keep coming back. You are not alone. With love, Frannie __________________ The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one. Elbert Hubbard It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are. e.e. cummings When sleeping women wake, mountains move. Chinese Proverb Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S. Eliot Let nothing upset you, Let nothing frighten you. Everything is changing; God alone is changeless. Patience attains the goal. Who has God lacks nothing; God alone fills all needs. Saint Teresa of Avila

11-09-2006, 05:22 PM	#4
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	Hi there irish eyes. First of all I say ditto to what has already been said. I too struggle with opening up to people and have in the past suffered in silence. When it comes to people outside the fellowship, I tend to follow my gut instinct. There are some people I will tell and others I won't because they only condem what they don't understand. The way I see it those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Maybe there is just one person that you might feel comforatble enough with that you can share only a small portion of your experiences with. But as said alanon is the best thing because there are others that have had the same experience as you thatunderstand your feelings. Glad that you shared. keep coming back. god bless Fi xxx

11-09-2006, 06:20 PM	#5
irisheyes19 Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: A small town in CT Posts: 3	Thanks for your support everyone. I have thought about going to a meeting but I think I would be too embarassed to even go. I guess it's because I have gotten so used to hiding how I feel that I have gotten comfortable being this way and don't want people to know that I'm hurting. I have always put on a happy face and pretended like everything was fine when it wasn't. I think it's my way of putting up a wall so I don't get hurt again. I don't know its a vicious cycle, I wish I could tell my close friends but I just don't know how to say it?

11-10-2006, 01:23 PM	#6
Kai Stevens Guest Posts: n/a	I'm Kai, grateful alcoholic. An Alanon meeting will help YOU. Because you are right, you have been affected by the environment you grew up in. The people you meet in Alanon, will understand all of those feelings you are having. They understand shame, fear, denial, isolation, self-blame. Some people get frightened by things they don't understand, but the people in the program, will understand fully. They can share their experiences with you so that you can see that you are not alone, and many of the feeling you have are just natural responses to the life you grew up with. Give them a chance. You won't be sorry. You will find a Home. Love ya later. kai

01-01-2007, 10:58 AM	#7
blessed2be blessed2be Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Illinois Posts: 27	Irish Eyes...I have been where you are. I could have written your post as my own. I am a newbie here and grew up emotionally and physically abused by my father and hurt by my mother's "detachment" from it all. This is my first post ever and I had to respond. I am 31 yrs old, married and a mom of three. I missed so many great friendships because I never could open up. I felt so many people would judge me and see me as such trash. Then it was almost like something snapped in me...for the better. I didn't want to hide anymore. I was very open, when appropriate, and it was almost a light bulb for those around me. The abuse wasn't my fault...I was a child. Everyone understands that. I also felt that I would be letting my parents "win" if I let them continue to affect me in my adult life. I have been working so hard in shaping up myself. I am planning on attending my first al-anon meeting this week. Don't let them win. As an adult, you have the chance to break the mold. Take it. You are a beautiful person that deserves to live a full life without the shadow of your past looming over you at all times. Life is for living, not hiding. Go to an al-anon meeting. I bet most people there were exactly as you are now. Find your higher power and spread your wings. You deserve that and owe it to yourself.

01-27-2007, 08:23 PM	#9
DaddysLittleGirl Newcomer Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Washington DC Posts: 2	Irish Eyes, I'm a junior in college and this is the first time I've gone poking around on this site, accepting the fact that my dad's drinking had an affect on me is really new- and really hard. But, I wanted you to know, that I can at least kind of relate to how you feel. My dad was not abusive...only verbally abusive sometimes....but I have also shut out much of the world, and especially men, because...I'm afraid. I'm the one that takes care of all my friends, but only two or three of them have any idea what my life was like...It's just not something that I can talk about. But, I do have one friend, who I have started to let in...but believe me, it's been just as hard for her as it has been for me...I'm sure you can relate to the need to constantly test people...to make sure you can trust them...and to make sure that they aren't going anywhere..... Anyway, if you ever want to talk, just let me know. Best of luck & take care.