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Minka · 11-12-2006, 03:34 PM

Hi everybody!
I am new and I am scared of so much information that I have to asimilate and process. I am 32 and I have never ever lived one day of my life without some addict next to me.
My Mom was alcoholic, my Dad adicted to sex. My first bf alcoholic. The second adicted to adrenaline. My husband is adicted to both alcohol AND pornography.
I want out of my life. I want our of my own skin. I cannot hate myself that much to allow all these things to be done to me... And still, they are my family, the ppl I loved or still do somehow...
Please help

sea queen · 11-12-2006, 04:24 PM

It is great that u realize that you need to get out of the situations that you are in. U don't have to enjoy porn because your husband does.

It is okay to visit/talk with your family(mom and dad etc) on limited basis.
You will be happier with yourself in the bigger picture.
Sea Queen

flickchic · 11-12-2006, 06:31 PM

Hello Minka and Sea queen, and a big warm

to you both.

I'm Felicity, clean d.addict and recovering alcoholic. I live in Australia.

Minka have you looked at ALANON??....I feel you may find it very very helpful for your situation. They deal with living with addicts. We have a forum here; http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...splay.php?f=11

http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...ead.php?t=1259 you may find this prayer helpful. I use the Serenity Prayer to help me and have done for some time now;

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Thy Will be done and not my own.

I have a version that I use daily; that was given to me by one of our sisters;

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
The courage to change the one I can
And the wisdom to know; that one is me!!

God can be changed with HP, Higher Power of your choice

I live with another alcoholic and he is active in his addiction, and I do struggle with this at times, however I am also coming to accept that he is who he is and his choices are his, provided they do not remove my newfound serenity then I choose to continue to live with him.

Please try not to fear all the information you feel you need to process; we have a slogan; ODDAT; "One Day At A Time", which a lot of us have had to break down to one minute at a time in our processess of recovery; this can also apply to information; "One Step At A Time", and "Easy Does It"

I also like to use "baby steps"....

First and foremost I would like to suggest to let go of hating yourself. I know all too well how that feels and how self destructive it is/can be. Secondly, as in the Serenity Prayer; begin on working on you, for yourself, not for others and or on them. Positive Affirmations work really well, even if you don't believe them to begin with, the more we use Positive self talk and not the negative we do begin to believe what we are saying and believe in ourselves. We are all priceless individuals and you are equally one. http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...isplay.php?f=6

I's also like to congratulate you for reaching out, it takes courage to do this, to acknowledge our lives are unmanagable and that we need/would like help. I pray you continue to come back and sharing your story, reaching out to our friends/family here. We have a great bunch of people here, from all different walks of life that have much wisdom, insight, love, care and support if you want it, it's here

fibiray · 11-13-2006, 04:08 AM

Hi there minka welcome aboard. How brave of you to come here and share your experiences. I know myself after years of growing up in a alcoholic and dysfuntional environment that it took some time to speak up about what was happening to me. And yes I too suffered from self hate always feeling respnsible for how my family was. Like it has been seen you will benefit from contacting alanon in face to face and on line. This will show you how to manage the unmanageability in your life and help you to find peace. Keep coming back and sharing.
Fi
xxx

Minka · 11-13-2006, 04:37 PM

Thank everybody for your words.

It is 2 years already that I could admit in front of myself and of others that I have a problem that would not dissapear if the addict in my life would change behaviour. During the last 2 years I read a few books and a lot of info I got from the net. I made a friend who had a similar experience and we were both trying to find THE way.
Still I feel trapped. I am not reaching anywhere. I am still the same only now I can recognise very well the mechanisms that make me say what I say, do what I do and take the decisions that I take - all of them 100% in a codependent way!!! So the efforts of the last 2 years were for nothing, or almost nothing.
I am about to separate from my husband and I suffer of enormous feeling of guilt. I know that this is my only chance to get out of this abusive relationship. Still I cannot just walk away. I cannot. I cannot. He is the man I once loved. The one I shared 4 years of my life with. And he is suffering. I know I cannot help him. I know that if I stay it would only get worse...

11-13-2006, 08:47 PM

I'm Kai, grateful alcoholic.

What you've done for the last 2 years has not been for nothing. You have learned something that is very important in order to change your life. You have learned that you need to take care of YOURSELF. Until you know that, there is really nothing you can do for yourself.

Alanon is a wonderful program for people who have dealt with the same thing you are dealing with. You can meet good people, who are trying to live healthier lives, and will support you. You should really give them a try. I promise they can help.

Love ya later. Kai

Minka · 11-14-2006, 01:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kai Stevens

Alanon is a wonderful program for people who have dealt with the same thing you are dealing with. You can meet good people, who are trying to live healthier lives, and will support you. You should really give them a try. I promise they can help.

Love ya later. Kai

Thanks Kai, very nice of you but there is no Alanon group in my town, only in one not very far from here but I don't have a car. So for the moment I must try to manage with what I have...
I guess my tragedy starts the moment I cannot know for sure if alcoholism is a disease that could have been controlled by the alcoholic. I am sure no alcoholic decides to become like this. And still, it would help me a lot to know that they could have done something, anything, not to fall that low. How much of the drinking can be considered as their own responsability, as a self-made thing?
Because if alcoholism is a disease than turning my back on a sick person (or more sick persons) is not exactly human...

flickchic · 11-14-2006, 04:32 AM

Quote:

Because if alcoholism is a disease than turning my back on a sick person (or more sick persons) is not exactly human...

Minka, walking away from one you love who is stuck in "their own" sickness is possibly one of the most loving things you can do for them....while people continue to forgive us, give us another chance, we just keep on blowing it, time and time again; YES it is our choice, deep inside there is always a choice; and YES we are the ONLY ones who can make the decision as to if we continue drinking/using or cease. My partner walked away from me in January and it was the kindest thing he could have done for me; over and over I had drunk, raged, abused, etc., then I got right out of hand one night and that was the end of that. Here I sit, 9 months later, so grateful for that rock bottom I hit, I chose to find a way to 'live' and not continue the path to 'death' that I was on and had been for years.

so while you may think it is not human to turn your back, it can certainly be humane!!!!

ALANON speaks of "enabling"; I know all too well about that one; as long as we continue to make excuses, take blame etc for our partners/ loved ones, we are saying "oh yeah, it's ok, go ahead, drink/drug etc"......I had an alchoholic hubby and had another partner that was a very very abusive alcoholic /drug addict......I enabled both those guys for years. Current partner ( we re-united) I have also enabled over time, that is changing bit by bit however as I regain 'my authentic self"...I am no longer abusive and no longer tolerate abusiveness to self. I try very hard not to 'enable his addiction'.....even to the point that if the smell of alcohol on his breath is too much for me at the time; I will now let him know and sit further away from him, not kiss him and move his drinks from in front of me. "I accept that his choice is his to make, however I also accept that I have choices now too!! If I turned my back on this man now, it would be in the interest of my own recovery, at the end of the day I cannot guide someone else into recovery if they choose not to go and if their addiction is going to affect my serenity and sobriety to an unsafe place then I would choose to leave.

Minka · 11-14-2006, 09:11 AM

i think I have to print some of your senteces on a piece of paper and have it with me all the time
thanks

Minka · 11-14-2006, 11:40 AM

I have started reading and I got to this: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...ead.php?t=4909

"The next example of an enabler is the spouse. This is someone, regardless of gender, who has become accustomed to a life style made possible by the addicts earning power or popularity. They are use to the vacations, social functions and the like. So what if the addict makes a fool of themselves "He's had one too many". If he's too drunk to drive the spouse will drive him home. Or just leave him there.

The spouse will continue supporting the addict as long as the income or social status remains. Once the alcoholic becomes too much of a burden, the spouse leaves. Their justification is "I did it for his own good" or "I did it for the children"

As mentioned at the beginning, enablers are pragmatic people. If they believe the alcoholic or addict can be rescued, they weigh the costs and benefits. If it makes economic or social sense, they will place that person into a 28 day rehab. However, since understanding the disease is not their priority, they expect the alcoholic to be cured in 28 days. Anything short of that is the addicts fault."

I find these lines very cruel and they show the wifes/partners of alcoholics in a bad light. After all once you're in such a relationship you make the best you can out of your situation, it is not that anybody planns to find an alcoholic and manipulate/use him.
I simply find these lines cruel and not true. Of course there is something true in them, and the wife will use the social contacts of the husband for instance, why not, isn't life in a couple - any couple - about sharing? Or the wife should only get the crap?

11-12-2006, 03:34 PM	#1
Minka Regular Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 18	hi! Hi everybody! I am new and I am scared of so much information that I have to asimilate and process. I am 32 and I have never ever lived one day of my life without some addict next to me. My Mom was alcoholic, my Dad adicted to sex. My first bf alcoholic. The second adicted to adrenaline. My husband is adicted to both alcohol AND pornography. I want out of my life. I want our of my own skin. I cannot hate myself that much to allow all these things to be done to me... And still, they are my family, the ppl I loved or still do somehow... Please help

11-12-2006, 04:24 PM	#2
sea queen Newcomer Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 3	Minka It is great that u realize that you need to get out of the situations that you are in. U don't have to enjoy porn because your husband does. It is okay to visit/talk with your family(mom and dad etc) on limited basis. You will be happier with yourself in the bigger picture. Sea Queen

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11-12-2006, 06:31 PM	#3
flickchic Registerd User Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central wheatbelt, western australia Posts: 1,157	Hello Minka and Sea queen, and a big warm to you both. I'm Felicity, clean d.addict and recovering alcoholic. I live in Australia. Minka have you looked at ALANON??....I feel you may find it very very helpful for your situation. They deal with living with addicts. We have a forum here; http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...splay.php?f=11 http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...ead.php?t=1259 you may find this prayer helpful. I use the Serenity Prayer to help me and have done for some time now; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. Thy Will be done and not my own. I have a version that I use daily; that was given to me by one of our sisters; God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, The courage to change the one I can And the wisdom to know; that one is me!! God can be changed with HP, Higher Power of your choice I live with another alcoholic and he is active in his addiction, and I do struggle with this at times, however I am also coming to accept that he is who he is and his choices are his, provided they do not remove my newfound serenity then I choose to continue to live with him. Please try not to fear all the information you feel you need to process; we have a slogan; ODDAT; "One Day At A Time", which a lot of us have had to break down to one minute at a time in our processess of recovery; this can also apply to information; "One Step At A Time", and "Easy Does It" I also like to use "baby steps".... First and foremost I would like to suggest to let go of hating yourself. I know all too well how that feels and how self destructive it is/can be. Secondly, as in the Serenity Prayer; begin on working on you, for yourself, not for others and or on them. Positive Affirmations work really well, even if you don't believe them to begin with, the more we use Positive self talk and not the negative we do begin to believe what we are saying and believe in ourselves. We are all priceless individuals and you are equally one. http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...isplay.php?f=6 I's also like to congratulate you for reaching out, it takes courage to do this, to acknowledge our lives are unmanagable and that we need/would like help. I pray you continue to come back and sharing your story, reaching out to our friends/family here. We have a great bunch of people here, from all different walks of life that have much wisdom, insight, love, care and support if you want it, it's here

11-13-2006, 04:08 AM	#4
fibiray fibiray Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: central coast nsw australia Posts: 875	Hi there minka welcome aboard. How brave of you to come here and share your experiences. I know myself after years of growing up in a alcoholic and dysfuntional environment that it took some time to speak up about what was happening to me. And yes I too suffered from self hate always feeling respnsible for how my family was. Like it has been seen you will benefit from contacting alanon in face to face and on line. This will show you how to manage the unmanageability in your life and help you to find peace. Keep coming back and sharing. Fi xxx

11-13-2006, 04:37 PM	#5
Minka Regular Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 18	Thank everybody for your words. It is 2 years already that I could admit in front of myself and of others that I have a problem that would not dissapear if the addict in my life would change behaviour. During the last 2 years I read a few books and a lot of info I got from the net. I made a friend who had a similar experience and we were both trying to find THE way. Still I feel trapped. I am not reaching anywhere. I am still the same only now I can recognise very well the mechanisms that make me say what I say, do what I do and take the decisions that I take - all of them 100% in a codependent way!!! So the efforts of the last 2 years were for nothing, or almost nothing. I am about to separate from my husband and I suffer of enormous feeling of guilt. I know that this is my only chance to get out of this abusive relationship. Still I cannot just walk away. I cannot. I cannot. He is the man I once loved. The one I shared 4 years of my life with. And he is suffering. I know I cannot help him. I know that if I stay it would only get worse...

11-13-2006, 08:47 PM	#6
Kai Stevens Guest Posts: n/a	I'm Kai, grateful alcoholic. What you've done for the last 2 years has not been for nothing. You have learned something that is very important in order to change your life. You have learned that you need to take care of YOURSELF. Until you know that, there is really nothing you can do for yourself. Alanon is a wonderful program for people who have dealt with the same thing you are dealing with. You can meet good people, who are trying to live healthier lives, and will support you. You should really give them a try. I promise they can help. Love ya later. Kai

11-14-2006, 09:11 AM	#9
Minka Regular Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 18	i think I have to print some of your senteces on a piece of paper and have it with me all the time thanks

11-14-2006, 11:40 AM	#10
Minka Regular Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 18	I have started reading and I got to this: http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/...ead.php?t=4909 "The next example of an enabler is the spouse. This is someone, regardless of gender, who has become accustomed to a life style made possible by the addicts earning power or popularity. They are use to the vacations, social functions and the like. So what if the addict makes a fool of themselves "He's had one too many". If he's too drunk to drive the spouse will drive him home. Or just leave him there. The spouse will continue supporting the addict as long as the income or social status remains. Once the alcoholic becomes too much of a burden, the spouse leaves. Their justification is "I did it for his own good" or "I did it for the children" As mentioned at the beginning, enablers are pragmatic people. If they believe the alcoholic or addict can be rescued, they weigh the costs and benefits. If it makes economic or social sense, they will place that person into a 28 day rehab. However, since understanding the disease is not their priority, they expect the alcoholic to be cured in 28 days. Anything short of that is the addicts fault." I find these lines very cruel and they show the wifes/partners of alcoholics in a bad light. After all once you're in such a relationship you make the best you can out of your situation, it is not that anybody planns to find an alcoholic and manipulate/use him. I simply find these lines cruel and not true. Of course there is something true in them, and the wife will use the social contacts of the husband for instance, why not, isn't life in a couple - any couple - about sharing? Or the wife should only get the crap?