Humor for Women - PMS

[admin]

Humor for Women - PMS
by Laura Browne
Once a month, the people around me get really stupid and obnoxious. Some people might think that’s PMS. I just think that I tend to be more observant than normal a few days out of the month. (I’m certainly more aware of how really annoying my husband can be.)

A few of my friends think of PMS as something negative. On the contrary, I see it as a chance to take charge. I’m normally an easy-going person but when I have PMS, I turn into Super PMS Woman. I feel I must right all wrongs, no matter how trivial. I imagine I go into a phone booth like Superman to change into my Super PMS Woman outfit. (No leotards and tights though – I’m retaining a lot of water and I feel rather puffy.) Then I’m ready to take on the injustices of the world, whether they exist or not. And believe me, when I have PMS, I can find plenty of injustices to complain about.

Normally, a mild-mannered mom, Super PMS Woman gets cranky faster than a speeding bullet, argues with friends and family more powerfully than a locomotive and is able to jump to conclusions in a single bound.

I know that if I wait until that certain week of the month I’ll have that extra bit of, let’s just say energy, to deal with incompetence. So when I need to fight with my insurance company about their most recent mess-up or when I have to call and complain to the catalog company that they sent the wrong order again, I wait until I have PMS. Why should I only share it with my friends and family?

That’s only one of the many positives of PMS. Really. Think about it, once a month, I have a built in excuse to be crabby. If I feel like eating a whole container of cookie dough ice cream or even raw cookie dough, I can do it without having to answer any questions. If my husband opens his mouth, I just snarl at him and point to the calendar and he gets the hint. As a matter of fact, he sometimes leaves skid marks as he runs out of the room to safety.

And cramps are a great way to get out of doing work. My husband thinks that I can still do housework when I’m running a 102 degree fever but cramps are a mysterious disease that make it impossible for me to do anything. Last month cramps got me out of going to a kid’s birthday party. Okay, okay, the cramps weren’t that bad but I didn’t want my husband to miss the fun of yet another princess fairy butterfly party.

And then there’s the intense craving for chocolate. It’s true, I always have a craving for chocolate, however, it definitely gets worse when I have PMS. I’m prone to throwing open the cupboards while loudly accusing my family members of eating the last bits of candy left over from Valentine’s Day.

My friends tell me that the craving for chocolate I feel is psychological. It has nothing to do with PMS. And I tell them, “Hey, get your grubby hands off my chocolate bar and you won’t get hurt…”

So if you see me in my Super PMS Woman cape, just do what my husband does: give me some chocolate and back away slowly. Don’t worry, I’ll change back to my mild-mannered self soon.

[admin]

Question:

How many women with PMS does it take to screw
in a light bulb?


Answer!

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in
this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs
despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the
light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms
over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE
SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED
WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!
WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE
HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
CLEAN THIS . . .

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

(Author Unknown)

[admin]

During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Bethlehem."

[admin]

Any of the following symptoms sound familiar?

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

[admin]

EXPRESSIONS FOR WOMEN ON HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. You - Off my planet.
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your cry-baby whiny opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. You say I'm a b!+ch like it's a bad thing.
17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.
20. Earth is full. Go home.
21. Is it time for your medication or mine?
22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.


...By all means share with other women in stressful positions

[admin]

What PMS Means
Pass My Shotgun

Psychotic Mood Shift

Perpetual Munching Spree

Puffy Mid- Section

People Make Me Sick

Provide Me with Sweets

Pardon My Sobbing

Pimples May Surface

Pass My Sweatpants

Plainly; Men Suck

Pack My Stuff

Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

And one from my sponsor: Pretty Mean Sister

[admin]

[janbear]

Originally Posted by bluidkiti

During his sermon one Sunday, the preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in Scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's a$$ all the way to Bethlehem."