Growing beyond abuse

[fibiray]

All too many people grow up in households dominated by a parent's dark moods, leaving them confused about their right as an adult to assert their own needs for peaceful, respectful relationships. Shame gets in the way. So does fear. Being direct become difficult. It's like a language that you've learnt.
The 'difficult parent' almost certainly believes that he (or she) can't control their moods, emotional reactions or perhaps his abuse of alcohol or drugs if that's also part of the picture. But whatever they consciously believe, they undoubtedly control the reactions and even the perceptions of everyone around them. This doesn't benefit them. And it certainly doesn't benefit their family members.
Pretending that things are all right when they are not, family members often find it extremely difficult to deveop the clarity they need to make their own psychologically healthy choices - especially when it comes to intimate relationships. They often lack the confidence or self respect to assert themselves approapriately. This makes them vulnerable.
Two quite distinct sets of insights emerge from this widely recognisable story.
If you grew up in a family of this kind, you may seem exceptionally well equipped to consider others. Some of you may even be professional as well as private rescuers, trained by your family circumstances to see others needs as having greater validity than your own. For you, the challenge may be to discover greater self love, self respect and especially self worth. This doesn't mean ceasing to considr other people's need. That is never helpful.But it may mean learning to recognise which of your emotional patterns arise from fear or anxiety - the need to placate and make things all right - and which from self worth and a mor inclusive view of love. It may mean conciously asking "is this the best that I can do for myself as well as others?" It may even mean giving up the rewards of being needed in an essentially unhealthy situation.
If you are brave enough to see that you are the angry, moody, irritable or difficult person, or the person reluctant to see how your drinking or drug abuse affets the people around you, then the story is somewhat different. For you it's vital to know that it is possible to break those patterns for the sake of the people you love.
First though, you will need to recognise that your moods and needs are dominating everyone around you and probably harming them. No matter how powerless you may feel, the power you wield is tremendous. Facing up to the effect of your behaviour on others, and taking responsibility for it will of course lead to some feeling of shame and regret. But I suspect you have those feelings anyway. I also know that treating yourself and other people differently, considering their feelings and needs along with your own, is the only way to leave those feelings behind, as well as the behaviours that cuase them. Nocticing how you are affecting other people takes true courage. It can seem intolerable. Nut as a route out of the self absrotion and self deceit that underpins extreme negativity, it is unparalleled.

stephanir dorwick life and soul essentials