Dealing With Resentments

[bry]

We're told not to dwell on the past nor should we forget it. Many times throughout my life people continue to take my inventory and often times throw the past in my face.
I know I've been told, "pray for them", "let it go" and this is not easy and often not enough for this alcoholic.
I'd like to hear some input on this.
Thanks
Bry

[Nana]

Fro me I think that if I have made progress,why does the past have to be brought up..........I guess for me I have such thin skin,and I have never taken criticisim at all.It goes straight to my hreat and than I become every defensive,,,,,,,,,,And the thought to pray for them is way over my head,as I am to far into my selfish me world...............Wow I could use alot of help on this subject......Love Nana

[Carol87]

I'm an expert on hanging on the resentments! OR, resurrecting them if necessary !! And yes, others are the experts on taking my inventory. Sometimes justified, sometimes not. Many times things that built up during my 'no recovery' years. It hurts but I'm the one with the recovery tools they don't have. My sponsor worked with me on a 'mini 4th step' form similar to what is is in the BB. The headings are

Who
What They Did/the Cause
Why (what was triggered, e.g. JUST WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT WAS TRIGGERED BY THE OTHER PERSON OR THEIR ACTIONS?
************************************************
TRIGGERS: FINANCIAL SECURITY, PHYSICAL SECURITY, PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP, PRIDE, SELF-ESTEEM, SEX RELATIONS, HEALTH, SENSE OF JUSTICE

My Error – what could I have done differently?
My Actions – what actions am I taking?

Using that tool has helped me get a better perspective on whatever I think is so serious at the moment. I try to look at my part and not what the other person may or may not have done. So many times, my perspective is way out of line. When I'm in enough pain, I will surrender and discuss with my sponsor who always helps me get back into the right perspective. And, yes, I do pray for the person(s) ... I adapt the third step prayer to say "God, I offer XXXX to Thee, ... " and then ask for direction. I get answers when I least expect them.

In spite of all those wonderful words, resentments are a major issue for me ... as recently as last night since one kept me awake all night. But that was because I had a sobering experience of realizing my part .... now I'm looking for the right moment to make an amend without making matters worse.

JMHO ...

[fibiray]

I have realted well to all those postings. I too am a master at resentments. When I came in I did so on the magic carpet of hatred. Sure as I worked the program I got rid of a lot of resentment, but there were some that I had to work through, and this meant me looking at my attitudes even though in some instances it was the other person had wronged me. When I get resentful I give my power away. I like what bill w says about resentments that we have no right or business holding a grudge against someone who is just as mentally and emotionally sick as what we have been in the past, whether they are alcoholic or not. I found particularly with family that if I can look at their fers and behaviours this can give me an understanding of them. When it comes to other people outside of that, I try not to take on other people's stuff and not react. Although it is easier said than done. I have in the past when dealing with such people that cause me to react like that I often pray for god's white light to protect me and that if anything is said for it to slip right off me like teflon and it works. thanx for letting me share.
Fi
xxx

[janbear]

I was a walking resentment when i came through the doors of recovery. I made it all about them and what they did to me, never mind what i was doring to myself, and others. I was killing myself with the booze and drugs. The recovery literature and people helped so much.Doing a 4th step aand the resentment prayer in the Big Book on pg. 552 in the 4th ed. helped a ton for me to release them. There is a big word in the prayer, "If", if i wanted to be free of it i did it. And i did i wanted to be free of the bitterness i held. It worked, it took time but it did work for me. Now i am not saying i have not had resentments in recovery, i certainly am not exempt from them. When i have personally held resentments in recovery i discovered i have two choices. Hold on to it and risk losing my sanity once again and return to active addiction signing my own death warrant. Or get rid of it any possible way i can. I have held on to them and they made me miserable. Its amazing in the 10+ years that i have not returned to addiction because of the pain i was in as a result of hanging on to resentments. The book says "Resentments are our number 1 offender" and i believe that. If someone throws my past up to me and i gain a resentment, it becomes my problem. I cant do anything about what others say or do, What am i gonna do ?When i get miserable enough i will do something with it, use the tools of recovery to change how i feel about the situation or stay on the downward spiral leading me to my own extinction. God knows how to relieve me of them if i wll only let him Thats just me.

[admin]

I had alot of resentments also when I came into recovery. Some of them I dealt with one by one - some of them took more time dealing with them than others. I did what was stated in the Big Book to do. Today I can still get a resentment and I still do what is stated in the Big Book to do. I do try to avoid those that I have problems with but you can't always do that. So when I have to be around them, I try to keep it in small doses, easy does it and I pray. Progress not perfection here. I try to remember we are all God's kids. He loves them just as much as He loves me. I work on keeping my side of the street clean.

[peajaye]

I have to let the scenario play out. I must go through some pain with the resentment and when it begins to effect my peace of mind, then I am motivated to become WILLING to take the suggestions. I don't want to pray for them. I don't actually want them to have all the health, wealth and happiness that I want for myself. That is how I was told to pray for them. It doesn't matter if I FEEL it or BELIEVE it, but with repitition IT WORKS. I like what Fi says about sliding off like teflon. If I can catch it before it festers.

Another thing I was told or read early in recovery was to imagine the person with whom I have a resentment sitting on a stage and begin to "say" I forgive you for _______. Go on until I'v "said" I've forgiven all I am resentful about. Then ask myself how much will this matter in 100 years.

I came through a horrific experience once and a God thing took place. Without understanding how important it would be, I began immediately to ask God to let me not be bitter. I wasn't. It amazed me that I had the wisdom to make that request when I was in no condition to make the decisions that were required of me at that time. It was God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Ultimately I have to let people be where they are. People I like as well as people I don't. The hardest is to let people I love be where they are.

[bry]

Nobody's mentioned working the steps of the program, like 10, 11 & 12. I have to keep being vigilant on a daily basis.

[snugsnug]

Hey family, just for me and just for today, resentments and active addiction went hand in hand. I resented everything and everyone. It was always their falt, not mine. I had the ability to rationalize and justify all of the dasterdly things I did, and never place the blame on me or my using. The more that I rationalize and justified the more I would use, to cover those sick to the stomach feelings I would get. Resentments kept me hemmed up in a citadel of anger and hate, that even today I have to be oh so aware of not mistaking my own sh*t with your s*it. And not resenting you for expressing what you need to. You see we have the God given right to tell the whole wide world how we feel, and I do not need to cop a resentment on you for being you.

[AngieM]

I have to agree with Bry. And also, as far as others taking our inventory, if it makes us sore....we need to look at that, maybe forgive ourselves, or do a mini 4th step...but we also have to remember that it is hard for our loved ones who went through our HELL, we taught them to treat us that way, and it does not go away overnight, if it was easy, we would not hold onto our sobriety, like our lives depened on it...we would not want it. But, then some people just are who they are, like my sister. I have been sober 18 yrs, but she will never let those resentments go...she does not have the tools, like we do, that have been freely given to us...you just got to loven them...."Live and let live"
Hugs to all, Gigi