Pondering: Why do I feel I NEED chaos? Or, why do I sabotage myself so much?

[PatNewMex]

Hi,

In preparation for writing out my resolutions for the upcoming year, I am doing a small exercise my husband suggested I do: Find out who I really am. I am not an alcoholic, but the child of one. Some vestiges of those horrible habits and learned bevhaviors are still trying desperately to hang on.

Since I can't very well fill you in on my story, suffice it to say my alcoholic parent died 23 years ago, and I have long ago forgiven him. I am no longer the silent victim, and I am no longer a doormat. I have found my "voice" and am trying to temper it with wisdom, not anger.

Recently, I am experiencing fits of rage that are out of proportion to the incident, and also periods of quick/intense melencholy/depression that become more frequent the harder I try to get rid of them. I think my ego is really fighting to "give up" the "me" that it thinks I am. (Does this make sense?) The ego is a very strong thing.

I also wonder "am I attracked to a chaotic environment?" Can it be that because of all the kids in the house growing up (3 boys and me, the only girl) that I was always the protector, the interceptor, the one who was vocal and wanted it to all stop. I held our family together for years in that chaotic environment. Now that "strength" I had as a teen is no longer a strength, but a handicap. Why can't I drop it?

Being a sensitive person is sometimes a handicap perhaps? Another musing...

Now my life is good, and why the heck do I "need" to be in a chaotic envorinment? To feel like I have some "foe" to vanquish? To do it over and over until...what? I "win?" Sounds silly, but if I can lick this, I think I'll have overcome all the bad habits I learned all those years ago.

Any insights or thoughts from others on this topic?

Pat

[PatNewMex]

I think after a full week that no one here has bothered to answer my question or ponder with me intellecutally means this board is pretty much dead in the water except for folks that just want to offer advice of their own.

Sadly, I'll be moving to another forum on Google regarding Adult Children of Alcoholics as no REAL conversation happens here.

PNM

[clean42day]

Hi Pat....Sorry no one answered your post sooner....I think you already have some pretty good insights into what you are dealing with.....

Recently, I am experiencing fits of rage that are out of proportion to the incident, and also periods of quick/intense melencholy/depression that become more frequent the harder I try to get rid of them. I think my ego is really fighting to "give up" the "me" that it thinks I am. (Does this make sense?) The ego is a very strong thing.

....the ego (the False self) that developed worth in being the protector, the mediator, the interceptor....even as dysfunctional as this role was....it gave you a sense of purpose, value, and brought validation and meaning to your life and of course a false sense of power and control. after all if no one else did it...who would? Now that you are no longer in that enviornment...maybe this false self is still seeking to keep it's little life alive....not wanting to let go of all that it identifies itself by.

In my opinion that fact that it is rearing it's ugly head is exactly because you are on the brink of letting it go. be assured that you are probably on the right track. if it lurks below the surface....how could you address it? now that It is out in the open bringing itself to your attention....is a perfect opportunity to deal with the remnants of it. in my experience with myself the Ego is always fear based...fear of/or fear from. Exploring your deep fears....might help. Maybe in letting go of this aspect of your ego....you are frightened that you will be left defensless and vulnerable?

I also wonder "am I attracked to a chaotic environment?"

In my own case....I lived on the edge of drama and kaos for so long that I became desensitized to it...and it was normal. Now when I was new in recovery....I interpreted serenity or peace or a lack of drama....as boring. isn't that the twist?. I had become so numb that high drama and kaos...actually made me feel alive somehow. it took me a really long time to let go of being addicted to drama. I have noticed with myself that now I use drama, kaos, acting out or acting in....as an avoidance tactic - a smokescreen of sorts...to avoid exploring what is going on inside me - on a deeper level. because I have learned in recovery that nothing can steal my serentity unless I allow it.....I must explore why I am allowing it? What am I avoiding? Why am I reacting instead of responding from a responsible place of personal power.....instead of powerlessness. and most importantly how am I going to adress it and what am I going to do about it.

I could spin in the "why's" forever....really the most important part of breaking any pattern for me is to challenge it with an equal and opposite action so I can then experience a different result.

Now my life is good, and why the heck do I "need" to be in a chaotic envorinment? To feel like I have some "foe" to vanquish? To do it over and over until...what? I "win?" Sounds silly, but if I can lick this, I think I'll have overcome all the bad habits I learned all those years ago.

looking back into your childhood....didn't vanguishing some foe or the illusion of winning give you some sense of power and control in the reality of a no-win situation? This false sense of power and contol is an illusion. and in my experience...the more out of control I feel internally..the more I try to exert control over my external enviornment. When I feel a sense of powerlessness...my natural instinct is to become powerful over something...instead of surrendering to win....I resist so it persists....if that makes sense.

some quotes I found that might be helpful....

Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
Carl Jung, "On the Psychology of the Unconciousness", 1917

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung

We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.
Carl Jung

it seems to me you have excellent insight into yourself....now the key is...like my sponsor told me....don't try to think yourself out of it....take action and do something about it. in my case it was a matter of acting myself into a new way of living...then my thinking and feelings followed and pretty soon I wasn't acting anymore.

I am not drawn to drama anymore....but I am now on the oppisite extreme...I recoil from it and try to escape it....instead of standing my ground and keeping my serentiy in the middle of it....I shrink back. but that is me and my stuff....seeking the balance seems to be my biggest search these days.

I again apologize for not responding sooner....I am caught up in my own little world of problems latley and haven't been checking this forum as much as I should. This does in no way diminish what you are going though...and I hope and pray that one experience in this forum will not detour you from reaching out again.

I wish you the best in personal as well as spiritual development

light and love

Gail

[blessed2be]

Pat,

Please don't think the boards are dead...they have their slow days...I have felt exactly as you do. I am at the point right now where I feel such a struggle within myself. I am so focusing on giving myself up to my Higher Power and trying to run in the opposite direction of chaos. I have a habit of keeping things "stirred up" around here and leaning toward completely unhealthy behavior. You are not alone. These boards are really great and to be honest, they seem like the most active out of all the boards/groups that I have searched. I have really gained so much support in the few weeks I have been on here.

I am with Gail as far as being so involved in my own stuff lately. Please don't take it personally when you don't get a reply when you expect one. I sometimes don't even get replies, but the fact is that it feels so good for me to "get it out there" that I am not too bothered by that.

Hang in there and know that you are on the right track. We are here for you!

Jennifer

[PatNewMex]

Thanks for the long reply! I'll read it tonight after work. Thanks for being patient with me when I was not.

Pat