Tough Day

[blessed2be]

Hi there. Just needed to vent and couldn't make it to an al-anon meeting. My 8 month old decided tonight was her night to fight sleep, and my hubby isn't comfy calming her down...or should I say she won't calm down with him. So...anyhoo...the meeting started 1/2 hour ago and I won't walk in late. I sooo needed it tonight, though. I should have known better, but I sent my Mom an email for her and Dad to read. It felt like it was right at the time. I had to let them know how I felt. We saw them for Christmas and it sucked, which I totally expected. We left town and never called...neither did they. That was last Thursday. I normally talk to my Mom every day or so. I felt I needed to send the email to let them know what was on my mind. I felt it was wrong to just never call them again, especially since I knew that they were just acting as if nothing happened. Read it for yourself:

Mom and Dad,

Mom, please print this out for Dad to read too. This is truly for the both of you. I have been really struggling with what to do. I am tired of being hurt and having my family experience Dad's outbursts over any detail that does not go his way. I am trying to understand that those outbursts are a result of the alcoholism/depression. However, during our visit I saw the fear in my boys' eyes toward you Dad. It was the same fear I had in me so long ago and I won't let that live in them. I have not called because I am on the fence, trying to decide what to do. I thought I could accept the way you both are, but I can't. If I were to accept you both as you are, I would be saying I don't love you both enough to know that you could both be so much better and healthier. I do love you both so much, which is why I feel the need to step back. I am no longer willing to subject my family to the alcoholism you both suffer from (whether you admit it or not), Dad's depression or Mom's unhealthy detachment of any issues relating to Dad.

I still don't know what to do. I know I can't make you both get help. I don't want to do that anyway. You have to somehow come to the realization, when you are ready, that you have a choice to make. You can remain as you are and go on as you always have...without us, or you can someday get help...with our full love and support. I am not making a threat. I am just done with the walking on eggshells, the drug addiction, the alcohol abuse, the emotional abuse, the hurtful outbursts. I feel like I have given Dad too much already by having any relationship with him whatsoever and letting him know his grandchildren. I have endured too much pain, both physical and emotional, from Dad and I refuse to endure anymore.

I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. It was nice and very supportive. I plan on continuing. I have realized that I can never change the two of you, but I can make sure that I change myself and not let my family be hurt by your addictions any longer. God gave Jerry and I three beautiful children and it is our job to protect them. I feel I have failed as a parent every time I put them in situations where they are forced to endure Dad's mood swings and outbursts. Dad isn't the only one that needs help, either. Mom, you are so detached and you admit that. Your detachment may work for you and you feel you are the only one that can understand why you have to do that, however, it is just as painful to me for you to act as if nothing happened. You did that my entire childhood. I needed someone to protect me and you kept me in that situation. I struggle so often to get over that resentment. However, I am all grown up now and feel like I turned out pretty well, considering. I have my faith in God and know that he will lead me down the right path. It is because of my strong faith that I know I can never continue a relationship with you and Dad as things are.

I don't want to have a big discussion. I don't want a big blow-up. I want you and Dad to think about things. If you think it is Jerry and I with the problem and not the two of you...then that is fine. We will keep our distance. I just have felt numb since our visit. Christmas Eve I realized that I don't want to visit a father that has to get high just to be able to be around me and and my family. I don't want to walk on egg shells anymore. I don't want to see my mother completely deny that anything is wrong. It hurts too bad to see the two of you hurting yourselves and I won't watch it anymore. I also won't subject my husband and children to it either. The boys are older now and notice a lot more than we give them credit for. I will never let them experience an inkling of what I knew at such a young age.

I love you both very much. I just wished you loved yourselves and each other enough to want to seek help. I am not angry, so please don't take this email as one of my little fits. I truly am just...done. Having the two of you ruin Christmas was the last straw. I am happy that Dad apologized, but it really was too little too late. Christmas Eve was not necessary and can never be taken back. Just like all the other visits that were ruined by outbursts and negative words...we can never get those back.

I hope you both do the right thing, whatever that may be for you. Know that I am here should you need me. I love you both very much.


Jen


So, I emailed that yesterday and got a reply that was pretty expected. Mom totally attacked me and blames me for the way they are. Apparently she has forgotten about all the physical and emotional abuse I suffered starting at such a young age. I know that her reaction is normal for an enabler. It just doesn't make it any easier. She sent a few emails, each one worse than the other. I replied to one and noticed that she was just threatened and trying to suck me in again as usual. So, I don't plan on sending any replies. I really just want to focus on myself and my healing. I keep repeating the serenity prayer to myself and I stood in front of the crucifix on the wall today and had a nice little chat with Jesus. I prayed so hard that he lead me in the right direction.

I am not doing this to spite my parents. I just want to protect myself and my family. I am just so really tired (exhausted) and can't be a part of their insanity anymore. I am 31 years old. I have a wonderful husband (married 7 years) and three beautiful kids. I see no reason to put myself and my family through such pain/stress/disappointment every time we come into town. It happenes every time.

There is another meeting tomorrow night, so I can't wait to go to that one. Just needed to vent. I actually feel a little better by doing so. I know this will be tough to walk away from my parents, but I just don't see another way. They can't be forced to get help, and I can't be forced to deal with their issues. Thanks for "listening"!