Feeling Free One Day at a Time

[blessed2be]

I have had my mind full of thoughts all weekend swirling around..."Did I do the right thing?"..."What will come of this?"..."Mom's birthday is Thursday, what do I do?"...etc...
This post is a little long, but necessary. I feel that maybe it would be helpful for someone in my position to read it. It helps me to put it out there.

A day or so ago I had emailed (I am better at putting my feelings in writing...I suck at trying to put my feelings out there vocally) my Aunt Kim (Mom's sister). She is also an ACOA (not seeking help) and always jumps into the family messes to "fix" them. She was calling me every day giving me a "play by play" of what my Mom and Dad were up to. It was tearing me apart and leaving me obsessing over their actions once again. She sent me a great reply, which put my mind at ease because she understood and respected me asking her to just leave me out of things.

I went to reply to her message this morning and just couldn't stop typing. My thoughts feel like they are finally coming together and making more sense. I wanted to share what I wrote because I hope it will give someone in the same boat strength to find the serenity that we all so deserve. Hope this helps someone...it really helped me.

I needed that. Thanks for understanding and emailing me back. I have spent a lot of my time each day thinking about all of this and honestly nothing has changed. I still feel like this is the best decision...not the easiest...but the best. When you told me that my Mom told you "I don't have time to deal with this right now" it really stuck with me. She has said that my entire life. Mom never "deals" with anything. I just can't continue my relationship with them leaving things as they are. I just can't go on as if nothing happened and keep repeating the same cycle. Yes, most of my problem is with Dad. I admit that. I can be honest with you and say that I can easily completely disconnect myself from Dad and never have a relationship with him...and never look back. He has caused me so much pain. I really don't think he would be such a different person if he quit drinking. He still would have the same attitude. I know that hurts my Mom. That is what I am trying to figure out. I can have a relationship with my Mom, but I don't want one with my Dad. I really don't even want to see him again. I just can't do it anymore. It isn't even out of anger...it is all out of disgust. I just don't know right now how I could still have a relationship with my Mom and not my Dad. He has never truly tried to get to know the kids, and you know the truth...he is so sick I would never want him near them anyway. We would never allow them to stay with my parents again. Jerry and I were talking and thought that it would only be a matter of time before one of the boys set him off over something stupid and he took a swing at them or "lost it" on them. My Mom could never protect me...what makes her think she could protect them? We could never let that happen.

I also want to wait until she "finds time" to deal with this. Maybe it will be soon, maybe a year...maybe never. Who knows. That is not up to me. I just can't have my Mom blame me for anything that happens with my Dad. When she does that and puts responsibility on me for his behavior it is like being punched in the stomach. I don't deserve that. I think I was put through enough at his hands. I wish she could look at my boys...really look into their eyes and realize that I was about their age, maybe a little older, the first time I truly remember him beating me. That is why I am doing this. I look in their eyes, the ones that don't know that kind of pain (and never will) and realize that at around their age...I had already known such fear, shame and pain...all because of my Dad. I was so little. What kid deserves that? Not one! I grew up so afraid, so nervous and so ashamed. That affected every friendship and relationship I had. It is affecting my marriage. Enough is enough. I have every right to do this now. I have every right to change how I am to be happy. I fully deserve true happiness and my family deserves to see me that way. I am so tired of being embarrassed and ashamed and then having everyone say "that is just how Jay is" and then having my Mom ignore everything just makes it worse. She fiercely protects him and always has. Where was she when I needed protecting? Now all I can do is protect myself and I will do whatever I can to do that at all costs. It is my turn to be a little selfish. They were selfish all this time. I am trying to move on. I am trying to shed my feelings about my past. I need to do that so that the scars I have now won't be a reflection on my kids and won't cause problems in my marriage. I am tired of feeling the shame, I am tired of being blamed for his behavior. Only Dad is responsible for his life. I always felt that once you turned into an adult, you were responsible for your own life. I chose a different path. I chose to break the mold the best I can. I definitely need improvement, but I am working on it. Mom thinks I want a "perfect" life...if choosing the best life I can for my family means "perfection" to her...then she is **** right...that is what I want. At least I "feel". I have a husband that I can be proud of. He isn't perfect, but he loves me...he loves my boys...and he always puts us first. Yes, we are going through a tough time now...but everybody does. I am learning to better deal with it and have hope that it changes. At least I know he will never hurt me or my boys. He is a true man and that is all that matters to me. Jerry saved me. His love has completely saved me and I thank God for guiding me down the path that lead to Jerry. At least someone was looking out for me!

I love my Mom very much, but I also know that she is losing so much of herself trying to detach from every problem that goes on between them. At some point she will have to face those issues. I used to look up to Mom so much, then as I got older I saw her so differently. I didn't see her as strong. I can't force Mom to "see" or "feel", no one can. You can talk to her, but I truly don't think she is ready. She has to make time if she wants to ever have anything to do with us again. That is not a threat, just a fact. I need my own time. I have a lifetime of healing to do and this is all new to me too. I don't know exactly how to handle this. All I know is that I have to do what feels right each day. So far this is it. I feel like if I talked to Mom now, it would only end in an argument. I think Mom needs her own time too. She needs to stop blaming me for their issues. I had always put enough blame on myself. I did that every day as a kid. If I only did this better, if only I didn't do something to make Dad mad, if only Mom noticed how hurt I am, if only Mom took me away from here...if only..if only....the only people to blame are themselves. They need to realize that on their own. No one can make them do that.

Sorry this is so long. All that has been on my mind every day since we left. I felt that I had to write that so you could understand all that is going into my decision. I am not doing it to make their life more difficult, I am not doing it so you feel the need to "fix" anything, I am not doing it to make waves in the family...I am doing it for me...and for the future of my own family...that is what is most important. I will be there to protect my family...even if Mom was never there to protect her own. She protected herself and I will never forget that.

Love you.
Jen

Call me soon. I miss you!

Sorry this was so long. It was the most freeing feeling to get this out there. I feel it was such a big step. It was the first time in a really long time that my thoughts seemed to make sense and weren't angry or irrational when it comes to my parents and my feelings for them.

[clean42day]

Hi Jen...here is a reading from a meditation book I use called "until today" by Iyanla Vanzant......

I will know peace when…I am clear about what I am doing and feeling.

There is a major distinction between a conscious level of detachment and an unhealthy indifference. Detachment is a choice. Indifference is a reaction. When you are indifferent, you say that you don’t care. Even when you love and care about a person, it is possible for you to intrude into their life. when your energy and efforts do not yield the results you expected, you ego goes into shock! Fear, anger, guilt set in and lead to indifference. You can’t handle caring any more!
Detachment is a totally different experience. When you exercise conscious detachment, you care, but you don’t intrude. You honor people and their process even when it looks dysfunctional by your standards. You allow people to learn, grow and unfold at their pace. You trust and respect people enough to let them live their own lives. you hold no expectations or judgments about what their process must look like or how long it must take to unfold. You ask them what direction they are choosing for themselves. You trust that divine order will guide them. you remember how your learning, growing, healing process must have looked to others, and you offer the compassion you did not receive.
There are some things and people about which you may believe you are indifferent. Rather than allowing indifference to close your heart and mind to situations and people, learn how to be detached. In this way, you will be available to offer what you can, when you can.
Until today, you may have allowed over involvement to turn into indifference. Just for today, practice detachment. Trust that people can make it on their own. trust that you will know what to do in every situation. Be available at those times and to those people you can support or assist without any attachment to what the process must look like.

TODAY I AM DEVOTED TO MOVING THROUGH DIFFICULT SITUATIONS WITH A HEALTHY LEVEL OF DETACHMENT.

Until Today - Iyanla Vanzant

When I was new in the process of healing....I could not do it in the pressence of my dysfunctional family....I was toooo sick and I could not distinguish my sickness from thiers. I had no boundaries, did not know how to keep myself safe, and so I cut myself off from them. either I would reveal no information at all...or I would go overboard and give up tooo much information....somehow expecting them to understand. since this caused so much more resentment, emeshment, and destruction to the relationship...I really did not know what to do.

my sponsor told me....that my job was to heal....in whatever way I could. and that in the beginning I might have to completely detach myself from thier lives to get a better perspective on my own. But she also added....that I could also still be a loving daughter and sister...ect. That I could still send birthday cards, acknowledge important family events....aniversaries, holidays....but that I could not participate in them personally until I learned how to do that in a safe and healthy manner. in other words...just because I was cutting myself off to keep myself safe....there was no way I could drop my identity as a daughter or sister. and what I really wanted was to be a healthy example for myself as well as for them. So what I learned to do...was love them from a distance...and pray for them for all the things I wanted for myself....Freedom from dysfunctional sick thinking, freedom from denail, and isolation. freedom from the bondage of self. really everthing I wanted for them...I aslo wanted for myself. I still sent birtday cards expressing my love....and at times I would send e-mails to give them a general up-date of my progress in recovery. But I did not talk to them on the phone...nor did I answer the guilt ridden, shame filled emails they sent to me....my job as a daughter and sister was to stay on the healthy side of those relationships....and not feed into the sickness.

I like you do a lot of journaling, letter writting, and just generally purging feelings on to paper....and most of the time....I don't send them for other people to see. Mostly they are for me, my clarity, and my healing process.
I am glad that you have found this tool. and it is good that you are getting clarity and a cathartic healing aspect from writting it. But I have to ask you this: as you have asked your Aunt to respect your boundary of not wanting to get an up-date and play by play report of your parents reactions...ect. at the same time....you have given her yours. If your Aunt is really a healthy supportive person? there is prolly no harm in this. but the fact that she even attempted to give you a play by play...tells me that she herself has not grasped the fact of what a healthy personal boundary is...and what makes you think that she will hold your letter and information in confidence?

You can talk to her, but I truly don't think she is ready. She has to make time if she wants to ever have anything to do with us again. That is not a threat, just a fact. I need my own time. I have a lifetime of healing to do and this is all new to me too. I don't know exactly how to handle this. All I know is that I have to do what feels right each day. So far this is it.

she may think by relaying this information to your parents that she is "helping" them. just as she thought that she was "helping" you by giving you an update on them. after all she seems to have appointed herself the mediator....this is co-dependent and not healthy.

alcoholism is a family disease and the people who don't drink are still affected by the dysfunction of the alcoholic. in fact the "isms" in the family run parellel to the active alcoholic without a drink at all. Long after the alcoholic is out of the picture...the family dysfunction/behaviors remain and unless treated...it will continue on from generation to generation.

I encourage you to keep journaling and writting and getting it all out....but I would also encourage you to discern who to trust with your inner most thoughts. even a distant family member who is not in the process of recovery with the best of intentions...can still be in the sickness.

I know the support group of Al-anon is new to you...but Al-anon also encourages sponsorship. This is a person who will take you through the steps, who will help you sort through all of your feelings, thoughts, and actions and will be a reflection of healthy clarity for you. someone you can trust to help you through this journey.

I also encourage you to keep coming here to get support in your process...
of walking through the healing, learning what the solution is...and how to live in it.

I am by no means knocking your letter...it was great, honest, clear, and it seems you are getting a better perspective on all this....but what I would encourage you to do is focus on yourself .... that is where you can do the most good at this point - your healing is the most important - not thiers. Your Aunt's mediation seems to be part of the problem....and recovery is all about the solution. healthy detachment is not a punishment....it is saying that I have enough faith in God.....that he will guide me....just as he will guide you. if your contact with her is still all about your parents....then you are still focusing on the problem - not the solution. the solution lies with you - not them.

and what I am about to say...was really hard for me to hear also. You didn't cause it, you didn't create it....and you are not responsible for cure it. your parents healing, if they heal, how they heal, or even if they EVER take responsibility for Anything.....is none of your business. Thier acknowledgement of their part...and how they played thier part....has nothing to do with your ability to heal, or if, how or when you can heal. Your acknowledgement is enough for right now.
thier process is completly seperate from yours...just as yours is not dependent on theirs. letting go of what that looks like according to you, how and when it will come about....is healthy detachment. The sooner you get out of what they must be thinking, feeling, and doing....the better able you will be to focus on your own life. and if that means staying out of mediation with other family members...no matter how removed....then you must detach from them also for now.....maybe not forever...but for now.

I sense you must be feeling really alone right now...and maybe a little scared too....after all letting go of all you have ever known can be a frieghtening prospect. and it is natural to want to have family members on our side... But in Al-anon....you will find people who are just like you, who have gone through what you are getting ready to go through, who have been where you are at...and who know how to support you in the most healhty way. Please try to reach out to a new family of support. it is the best thing you can do for you.


light and love

Gail

[flickchic]

I sense you must be feeling really alone right now...and maybe a little scared too....after all letting go of all you have ever known can be a frieghtening prospect. and it is natural to want to have family members on our side... But in Al-anon....you will find people who are just like you, who have gone through what you are getting ready to go through, who have been where you are at...and who know how to support you in the most healhty way. Please try to reach out to a new family of support. it is the best thing you can do for you.

Hang in there (((((((((((Jen))))))))))), and remember "One Day At A Time"

[blessed2be]

Thanks for your response, Gail. I have sort of been on the same wavelength with you in the last day or so. On Friday I went to a great al-anon meeting and one women spoke about her "family of origin" and how she has found the family she always yearned for in her al-anon "family". My aunt Kim is very much the family mediator and "fix it" and yes, all we end up talking about is my parents. I am still so new at this and stumbling over what is working and what isn't. I am still struggling with the whole birthday thing. I want to send my Mom a card, but I know her well enough to know it would probably blow up in my face. She is still so angry and will be for a really long time. I think this time I will hold off until she takes a little time to actually deal with things, if that ever happens. I think it is just too soon for that right now.

I truly thank you for your long replies and insight as that is what I am truly looking for. I just need to have that reassurance. Luckily I have been getting that from God all along, so I guess that makes things much easier!

I have been on the look-out for a sponsor and have a few people in mind that I might feel comfortable with, however, I just started going to meetings a week ago. I was told that I should find a sponsor that is where I want to be in my healing or at least someone that I feel had/has a similar situation. I haven't quite found that person yet, but I am actively seeking. I may ask one woman to be my temporary sponsor. We'll see how this week goes.

Every day I seem to be "getting it" a little bit more that I need to focus on me, not them. It isn't as easy as I thought it would be! I have been trying to apply the twelve steps and working on myself as much as possible.

One day at a time is the best way to live. I am truly doing just that. You are right that I am feeling alone. I have so much support, but it doesn't take away the fact that I am so scared to be doing what I am doing. I pray every day for strength. I am glad I know I can come here too.

Felicity...thanks so much for your support! "Hanging in there" is about all I can do for now.

Have a wonderful evening!

Jen