Anyone completely cut contact with parents-permanent or temporary?

[blessed2be]

Hi all,

Having a tough time today. Today is my Mom's birthday. She is an alcoholic (as well as my Dad) and of course, she is in denial. I cut contact with her and my Dad (who was also physically abusive to me and Mom) after a horrendous Christmas with them. We have 3 small kids and made the decision to stay away to protect our children. After growing up in such a violent home, I went on to somehow marry a normal, wonderful man.

I haven't talked to my Mom since Dec. 28th. I knew it would be difficult to walk away. I have been going to Al-Anon for the last two weeks (have been to 5 meetings so far). The meetings have completely been my strength. Unfortunately I can't make any meetings today, but still needed to vent. I am working really hard on not focusing on them, but on me. I don't want to contact my Mom. She blames me for everything wrong. I feel she needs to realize that because of their alcoholism, they will lose us unless something changes. I know I can't change them. It took a long time, but I realize that now. I guess I am going through the sort of "grief/loss" period that members of Al-Anon said I would go through. Knowing it was coming doesn't make experiencing it that much easier! The most difficult thing to deal with is that I am an only child. They had one chance and they blew it. I know I have a wonderful family now and that we can make our own great memories. I guess I am just disgusted that I had to walk away at all. None of this should have ever happened.

I have been getting so much support from the meetings and the boards that I visit. I am trying to read more to understand more. I guess I feel the need to ask the question, "Did anyone out there completely detach themselves from their parents?". What made you make the decision? Was it forever? If not forever, how did it happen that you were on speaking terms again? How can you just detach and still have a relationship with the person?

I am not looking for someone to tell me what to do. I would just like to read someone else's experience so that I may "take what I like and leave the rest". Thanks!

[fibiray]

Hi there can so relate to your story. I had a father who was alcoholic who died in 2000 from Korsekoffs and that was the easy part. Mother was a psychopath, brother was violent and a sister who is emotionally dead. I had no choice but to sever the ties with them not only because I wanted to protect my son but to protect myself. This still didn't prevent me from being abused in other ways but at least it cushioned me from the emotional reaction. The best thing I did was to get these people out of my life because they would have only brought me down. I have come to understand that when it comes to my family they are sick and everything they dished out to me was a reflection of what they had either experienced themselves or felt about themselves. It was their stuff and not mine and I had no business taking it on. It is not personal they simply don't know how to deal with things and it is easier for them to play the blame game rather than take responsibility for themselves. It is hard to forgive and get past the resentment but not unachievable neither. It is a journey and a process. Keep coming back and sharing
god bless

fi
xxx

[blessed2be]

Fibiray...how did you go about the process? I guess I wonder if you tried many times or was it a "last straw" sort of situation? How long has it been? I know I am going through the worst part right now. Do you have contact with aunts, uncles, etc.? I hope you don't mind me asking questions. I have just been looking to identify with someone who had to do this and really would like to hear "how" they did it. I have contact with my mom's siblings (don't talk to my Dad's side of the family at all...they are all the same). The difficult part of contact with the siblings right now is that they only want to talk about my parents. So, I have stepped back a bit and they seem to be respecting my space. They are all ACOA's, but I love them and they were the ones that would "save" me as a child when my parents went wacky. I could never cut contact with them, but wonder if/how others don't have a relationship with their parents, but do still contact the rest of the family. It will be a challenging relationship for me since my entire family lives within 10 minutes from each other (in a different state...I live 5 hours away from all of them).

Hope I wasn't crossing the line with the questions and please don't answer if you don't want to.

Thanks for your reply!
Jennifer

[free2bunme]

Hi Jennifer -

I cut contact with my parents for almost a year when I was living in New York and they were in Georgia. That was 4 years ago and I was not in recovery. I also cut contact with them for about 2 months once i was in recovery, that was about 18 months ago. Now, because my attitude has changed so much through the steps, I am able to talk and spend time with them regularly with little to no bother. They are so desparate for intimacy (my brother rarely has anything to do with any of us) in spite of the fact that they can be selfish pushy pushers.

[blessed2be]

free2bunme...

Who made the first move once contact was resumed? Even in recovery, was it difficult to "start over" after all of the feelings you had toward your parents?

I have just begin al-anon and know I will learn so much to help me deal with all of this in the future, however, I am seeking those that are/have experiencing(ed) what I am going through now. In my meetings, I have heard stories that ACOA's just continue the relationship with their parents with better understanding and also heard the other extreme...being no contact at all ever again.

The best thing I know I can do is take it "Day by Day" and leave it all up to my HP. I have already decided that the ball is in my parents' court and I won't contact them. I feel they will hopefully contact me when they feel the time is right. If they never do, then my questions are answered.

Thanks for your post!

[sassyx9]

I had the similar story of childhood, an alcoholic father, drug-addict mother, and physical violence that goes with it. I had two sisters that also grew up with me, both older by 7 and 5 years. I started on my recovery during my teen years, and it has taken me over 20 years to complete the journey to where I am right now. I am still travelling that journey. I ended up cutting ties with my family several times before they finally cut ties with me. I tried to put up boundaries during my teens and early twenties, but for me, I put up too many at one time, and I didn't have the power yet to enforce them. In my late twenties, I started putting up boundaries, a few at a time, as I was capable of withstanding the pressures they put on me (and yes, there were several). Eventually, they cut ties with me. The final scene was when my eldest sister (who has been in and out of federal prison) and her boyfriend decided he should have the ability and permission to touch me any way he chose. When I said I would call his parole officer and send him back to prison, I found myself in a physical fight with my sister, who was upset that I should dare to call the cops on an ex-con. She cut ties with me then. My middle sister decided she could not stand to be around me because I was too controversial for her and the rest of the family. I refused to quit my job, and move in with her and our very emotionally abusive mother to take care of mom while the sister supported me. That would have been giving power back to her, instead of retaining it myself. We have not spoken in over 5 years. I have tried a few times, but it doesn't work.

I am successful, and my life is calm and tranquil. it is not an easy journey. You have to take your power back over your life, and stand your ground. Decide what is important to you, and what is not worth fighting over. And keep in mind, you want your control over your life, and they have the right to control their own lives and actions. You may have to go to counseling, you may have to talk to psychologists or psychiatrists, you may have to call the law in. It will not be an easy journey, but it is rewarding and the final results of you living your live in safety, harmony, and raising children who are secure and functional is worth it.

I have had to go to counseling constantly, I struggle with emotions and guilt, and I take long walks on the beach for meditation. But, my life is not chaos, my job is not in jeopardy, my retirement is intact, and best of all, I have my health and sanity and peace of mind. Clean and sober and not addicted to anything but life for over 15 years.

Don't give up on yourself. Whatever you do, don't give up on you. Depend on you, learn to keep your promises to yourself, count on yourself, and if you fall, don't wallow. Get up, dust the dirt off and keep on moving forward.

[kaistevens]

I'm Kai, I'm an alcoholic.

I have completely seperated myself from my blood family too. Yes, there was a grieving, I had to let go of what I wanted and needed them to be. Because, after all, that WAS what I was trying to hang on to. I did not, and still do not, need them in my life as they are today. So, it wasn't even Mom and Dad, that I was struggling to let go of, it was letting go of who I wanted them, expected they should, be.

When I first seperated, over a year ago, it was forever (my choice). I was angry, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, etc., and I never, never, never, wanted to ever try to talk to them again. That was perfectly okay, that is where I was at the time, that was the only way, the only tools, I had to protect myself at the time.

I've done a lot of growing and changing inside myself since then. I see them differently today, and feel differently about them. I've dealt with a lot of MY anger, seen a lot more of MY part in the many dramas of the past, I've found some forgiveness (of them and myself), I've found some acceptance about who they are and who I am. They have not changed, but my heart has. None of this has helped them any, because I can not help them, but it has revolutionized MY life.

What does the future hold for us? I can not possibly know. For myself, I know that I was not ready to change myself until I was ready. I'm sure, three years ago, anybody who looked at MY life, would probably say that I was hopeless and never going to change. I know that they are still doing what they have always done, but I don't know what's going on inside them. They might be just one step away from being ready to make a change in themselves, or they may never get to that place.

I would sometimes like to know how it will all turn out someday, I would like to know what the future holds. But, I have learned, that my Higher Power, in all his infinate wisdom, doesn't usually tell me the future for a very good reason. Cause I will for sure screw it up!

If he told me today, "On this day, next year, your father will show up at your house, with his hat in his hand, and a changed heart, and become the father you need him to be.", I would immediately start trying to 'help' God make that happen. I don't have to look back very far in my life to see how well I make things happen.

I just know that God will do whatever is best for me. I know WHATEVER he has planned will be just what I need. I know that what God DOES want me to do, what it is my responsibility to do, is to work on me and getting my life in line with him. And, who knows, maybe one day I will be the one God uses to reach one of my parents. As long as I am working on me, to get to the place where I am willing to do that, that is all God asks of me.

You made a change right after Christmas. Why? Because you were ready to make that change in your life. Their change will come in their life when they are ready.

I feel ya about the birthday thing too. My brother and sister had b-days in August, my parents anniversary was this month, and they both have b-days coming up after the first of the year. But, as for today, in this 24 hours, I don't call. Not because I have stopped loving them or I don't care anymore, but because their "sickness", is stronger than my recovery today. Because I can't be of any healthy use to myself, or to them, today. That could all change tomorrow, and if it does, I will be ready, because God will take care of it for me. And if it doesn't change tomorrow, I will still be okay.

I pray for them constantly. I pray God soften my heart towards them. I pray God put loving, gentle people in their life, to support them as they continue to face the consequences of their actions. I pray God help me find a healthy way to look at, and learn from, my past, and help me let go of the future and leave it in his hands.

The only thing in life that never changes, is that EVERYTHING... ALWAYS... CHANGES. So, don't get down or worried that this might be forever, cause you just never know. But, I promise, if you will just draw closer to God, and stay close to him, that whatever happens, will be okay.

Hang in there, and keep coming back.

Kai

[claude le gall]

I have cut all ties with my family a long time ago and it has been really really hard for a very long time. I am now 61 and I am reconsidering perhaps getting in touch with one of my sisters again. I might not have anything to lose now but I know that I will not relate to her in a dishonest way as I learnt to do in the family. I will not compromise with that. I suppose that if I just see them as ordinary people I may or may not like it then free me of the burden to have to relate to people with whom I have nothing in common . There are plenty of people who are worthy of our love so why forcing oneself to forgive or try a relationship that cannot work anyway. I don't personally believe that we have to forgive. Just let go is perhaps enough. But as someone said everything changes so that might too ! Claude.

[clean42day]

I have found that even though I had little contact with my family for over 14 years.....once I did resume a relationship with them - It was all about me applying what I had learned in recovery in the way of assertive/healthy boundaries that keeps me from being pulled back into the insantiy of the dysfunctional family dynamics.

At first my family wanted to keep treating me as the designated patient and keep me in the familiar scapegoat position because that is the only way they knew how to relate to me. Once they found out that I would not "own" that label anymore - they simply replaced me with my brother (the alcoholic) and he assumed that family role.

When my family found themselves on the other end of my healthy boundaries......they were forced to change the way they related to me and at first they didn't like it one bit. it upset the whole family dynamic......and my example forced a change in some areas - especially emotional manipulation......and didn't even make a dent in other ingrained behaviors.

What I have learned from all of my interactions with them is that I can keep myself safe and healthy even when they aren't aware of the dysfunction.

it is so diffiucult to be in a healthy relationship with them when none of them are willing to even address issues that need to be healed. But that doesn't mean it is impossible.....

mostly what my interactions with them teach me now - is how to forgive, tolerate, and accept them just the way they are....and to make sure that I am the one who owns the responsibilty to keep changing and growing into healthier ways to relate.

Sometimes I have to fogive them "for they know not what they do".

and give them and their healing over to God's care, and at the same time I pray he heal our relationships with eachother too.


light and love

Gail

[annalittlebit]

I tried to cut ties with my Dad although it was very difficult to do. He was alone after my Mom died, and eventually my sisters & I had gotten married, and moved away. He would always tell me when I left after visiting him " This is probably the last time you will ever see me alive" What a sad person he was. I'm fortunate in that the last time I saw him he had come to dinner at my house and was not drunk. I like remembering him that way. I wish I could remember my Mom the same way.