When Life Began

Life for me began May the 16th 2005. That was the day that I turned my car around and instead of going to work I went to my family doctor. You see I am an alcoholic and had been drinking heavily for the last fifteen years. Although there were short periods of sobriety my life revolved around the drink. I have the usual stories that many drunks have and will not take time to relate them. The story that matters is the one of how I got out from under the hellish existence of a functioning alcoholic.

I had been diagnosed with a bad heart valve several years before that date. I had been in the hospital several time due to rapid heart rate brought on by alcohol and was told that no surgeon would touch me in the shape I was in now….. A scary but true fact that did not sober me up. I had been in and out of AA since 1990 when things got to bad or things at home made it unwise for me not to put up the front of trying to dry out. I would always substitute some other drug while not drinking, pills and marijuana were my substitutes of choice and many time were used along with booze. Our book says a day will come when we can no longer live with or without alcohol. That day was the 16th of May for me. I had always been able to dry out or detox myself with the help of pills or just white knuckling it. This time was different. I tried for three days just to not take a drink and never made it past noon. I was always able to stop and feel pretty well by the third day. I was sick physically, mentally and spiritually. And I was terrified. I knew that I was close to the end. Either death or the mental hospital was just around the corner. How dark it is before the dawn.

As I walked into the doctor’s office I was relieved that there was no one in the waiting area. I signed in and stated that I did not have an appointment but needed to see the doctor and would wait but did not think I could wait long. I would either need a drink or a drug soon; I believe the DT’s were within hours of setting in. In the examining room the nurse who has been with my doctor for years asked me what the problem was. This was the most humiliating experience of my life. There was nothing else to do except to state the obvious. I said that I was trying to come off a two week drunk and could not make it and asked if there was a shot like B12 or something to help me get over the hump. She kindly said that there was not a shot that she knew of to cure what I had and that the doctor would be in shortly. Her kindness will never be forgotten. The doctor came in and he stated “well, we have been dancing around this for some time. Don’t you think it’s time you stopped drinking?� He had mentioned on more than one occasion that my drinking was causing problems. It would turn up during blood work on routine physicals. Bad liver enzymes etc. This is when he told me that no surgeon would touch me for heart surgery. I might add that he is the one who detected my heart problem and said surgery was not an option the only question was when. Seeing that I was close to being in trouble with withdrawal he prescribed sedatives and sent me on my way with a kind but stern warning. I said that I had gone to AA before and that maybe I ought to go back. That was fine he said but I had to make the move, it was not likely they would show up on my door step and save the day.

It took me three or four days before I felt well enough to go to a meeting. I picked up the white surrender chip. Why God never let me go when I did not care about anything but drink I will never know. Why my precious wife did not divorce me I will never know. But what I do know is this time I think I truly made a decision. Before, I wanted to want to stop, this time I wanted to stop. As you probably can guess this was not my first white chip but I pray that it will be my last. One day at a time I have began to grow in the fellowship of AA. Nine months after my last drink I received my new heart valve. It has not always been easy but I would not trade one minute of growing pains for the past life. The friends are fabulous. We laugh and cry together and hold each others hands along the way. I pray that I will never cease to be grateful to AA and God for the life in recovery that I now have.