Narcotics Anonymous Way of Life

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Pledge, Preface, Introduction

Draper, Virginia - 2005

Our Pledge to the NA Fellowship


This material is the result of years of work and preparation. To reach a larger number of NA members, we have checked the spelling, grammar and paragraph order. Some sections will be much the same. Others have been greatly improved. There may be a 3rd Presentation form or even a 4th as we write our way to an agreeable Final Form.

The technical editing we have done will save time, so that you can now concentrate on the recovery and spiritual issues. Only members can perceive and share about these. This material is the most complete form so far, but crucial areas are missing - areas that you know more about than we do.

All this has been done to allow a greater number of members to study, review and discuss the material. We need to find out what is missing, poorly stated or inappropriate. We will keep your input in files, and hold conferences to discuss how to include new material.

We remain firm in our commitment to group conscience and group processing. We are hoping you will be moved to action and begin your own local NA Foundation Group meeting. An NA Foundation Group uses existing NA literature, carries the NA message of recovery, but it also reads and studies this book. The purpose is to clarify the subjects covered, include members experience and thoroughly process the material subject to finalization by some great number of members - we hope for at least ten thousand.

This material is copyrighted and held in trust by those writing it, so that all may own but none may sell it. In its final form, it will be dedicated in gratitude to the NA program and held in trust for the Fellowship-at-large. A ‘joint work’ is a work prepared by two or more authors with the intention that their contributions will be merged into inseparable or interdependent parts of a unitary whole. This was the basic idea all along. All subsequent contributions were anonymous contributions freely given to help other addicts. May we always keep faith with those who have freely given. All NA members will be free to copy, produce and distribute this writing. No intrusion by outside forces will be allowed. The authors of this work will go to great lengths to protect the integrity and form of the NA Way of Life book as written and approved by the NA Fellowship-at-large in open, participatory conferences. When complete, the work will be placed in public domain.

No permission is extended to any outside enterprise or corporation. Outside forces are defined as those who see the work we are doing as commercially viable rather than a free expression of our experience, strength and hope. We do not charge for our Twelfth Step, nor do we allow others to do so. We trust a loving God to care for us, provide for us and protect us from the pressures of money, property and prestige.

Production and distribution methods will be considered at a later stage of the work. As it nears completion, with a great many members from all over the world involved, we will finalize a method that will both make the material available and keep the price at a minimum. We don't want this book sold for profit, royalties or personal gain from ownership, production or distribution of the work. We do insist it remain as a work written by addicts, for addicts. To this end we are pledged.

We don't need money or permission to do this work. Our Fellowship stresses our complete, creative freedom. We don't need outside guidance - God gives us plenty. What we need is you, as a willing NA member, to show your concern in positive ways by sending in your input and showing up at our conferences to help process all the input. Only members can do this well.

In Loving Service,

Foundation Group of N.A.
September 22, 2005

PREFACE


This work is designed to produce written recovery materials for addicts seeking recovery in Narcotics Anonymous. Our efforts to originate and accumulate helpful material benefit everyone.

All are welcome to support, participate, and engage in this effort. Write seriously or playfully, as the Spirit guides you. There is no telling what great goodness may emerge if our motives and our spirits are purely devoted to being instruments of a loving God. We write this for the good of others like us who have lost their way or never had a way to start with. .

We are addicts who come from the dying times. We vividly recall when we believed that there was absolutely no hope, anywhere on earth, for people like us. No one else believed there was any hope either. We have created a life style and mind set which was given to us by a God of our understanding. We are still creating and enlarging the pathway that gives people like us choices that we never knew that we had before. Our newfound hope lets us live clean and grow spiritually.

We have applied the Twelve Steps of NA to our lives and we live the results. We see the negative consequences of unhealthy selfishness and compromise. We prefer now to go our way in peace and to follow the Will of our Higher Power.

The main obstacle to writing recovery material is the fact that it must come from addicts. When considering written input, we go through an enormous amount of extra trouble to determine whether it is our disease talking or our recovery. Writing material to suit the needs of all NA members is nearly impossible for any individual to do. The fact that we have written even one book, our Basic Text, is a great miracle. A second is bound to be less difficult because now we know it can be done.

We are free to approach any subject that needs consideration and discussion. Whether it is about a helpful technique or an obstacle to recovery, we declare our right to write. Recovering addicts write about their lives and their recovery. This is the process of sorting out our lives and filling in the blanks.

As in recovery, fear is the basic obstacle to the writing. It begins when we are afraid to tell the truth. Truth telling may seem an all occasion remedy, but that can be another illusion. There are frequent times when telling the truth will be mistaken for it's opposite by the unlearned listener or will overburden the more complacent members. These things take time - God's time.

We believe NA started to grow in the nineteen seventies because all members were encouraged to participate and add our voice to NA by writing the Basic Text. Reversing this, leaving people out of the writing process, diminishes NA as a whole. Incomplete processing can only embed errors in material that proports to be approved by the NA Fellowship. These errors are easily corrected if enough members are allowed to participate in the process. The extraordinary processing that went into the Basic Text in 1979 to 1982 is the origin of the enhancement of “approved” material. To mark written material as “approved” without such in depth processing is misrepresentation of the facts.

Handling these things "professionally" is not necessarily superior, correct, or more efficient. “Professionally” means that either we don't care enough to do something on our own time, or that we can't, so we pay someone else to do it. However, in our case we care and we happen to be the only people in the world who know what we do to recover on a daily basis. Professionalism downplays the beauty and wonder of ordinary members writing recovery material. This betrays the Spirit of NA. The writings of clean addicts expressing their gratitude, concern for others and their commitment to improve themselves is valuable evidence that our way of life is real. Without it, whining, complaining, misrepresenting others and an endless rain of misinformation can create the impression that where there is smoke there is fire. It is a smokescreen in which those still suffering often get lost and sometimes die.

Professionals can only mimic what works for us. We have to discover the answers and share them in writing. Since recovery is transmitted experience, not theory, it doesn't require the kind of talent that you have to pay for. Technical assistance should not take precedence over accuracy. Not all our truths are pleasant or convenient. The disease of addiction cannot afford to be honest. It cannot say, "Give me all your money, all your love life, your offspring and I'll give you a good feeling. True, it won't last long and it'll hurt a lot while you're dying, but for a few moments, you'll feel great.” In recovery the disease may say, "Hold back, play it safe. Don't be too up front here. Wait for another time."

We want to be fearless and thorough in our recovery. If our disease gets away with minimizing or misdirection enough of the time to water down the truth, it will no longer have the power to help us addicts. The message will get lost among the background noises. This is how we are at risk of becoming weakened and divided among ourselves.

This is a new effort to address our NA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Much has been learned through observation and discussion in recent years. Addicts who are grateful to Narcotics Anonymous write this material and we want our experience to be available to others as part of our Twelfth Step, carrying the message.

That any addict can stop using, even for a time, is a miracle. That we can arrest the disease of addiction by total abstinence extends that miracle in time. We get the time back - we have a choice now and use this time as we will. Many reach the point where we make a conscious decision to align our will with the will of our Higher Power. We do this by learning principles that allow us to discard and replace many of our old ideas and ways of coping with life. This is a modern day testament to applied spirituality. Personality change in human beings requires great willingness, faith and courage.

Our way of life makes change possible. Many of the words we tend to use to describe this process may seem confusing. We try to describe accurately the feelings and new ideas that occur during the process to allow others to follow our path and to confirm in a sense what we are learning. All this requires learning, study, and evaluating new perspectives.

Among recovering addicts in Narcotics Anonymous, certain assumptions evolve. Some of these elements allow us to enter recovery and get along with clean addicts almost immediately. Some of the basics of recovery need to be re-examined, even by our long-term members.

We should try to avoid the clichés that are employed by people outside the NA program in our writing of this book. We don't want to dull our recovery or our message of hope. Once we begin to experience relief, our pain seems like a bad dream. One of our problems in recovery is our appearance of normality. When we have stopped using, even for a short time, we can look so good that someone may offer us drugs to celebrate! This makes it hard for us to maintain the recovery practices that have worked for us. When we were new at recovery, our pain served as reminder. When we get a little better, we are apt to want to leave off some elements of our recovery. Social pressures set in immediately which may force us to resume our lives as if we were "normal." We addicts are anything but "normal."

Our needs and abilities can be viewed as ordinary, once they are no longer exaggerated by our addiction. Our own reactions to the world around us show us how we are different. Our distortions of reality, to which we adapted while in active addiction, continue along with us in recovery. These distortions and contradictions are part of what we call the “drug induced fog.” For most practical purposes, this only means that our orientation is different from what is normal to non-addicts. As we recover, we can gain or regain the personal and social skills to work, cope with daily living, and function in an effective and agreeable manner. Our recovery process makes this possible and enhances these things over time. Our addiction is constantly working to divide us and trip us up to interrupt our recovery.

Certain fears remain embedded in us. We have had the experience of finding ourselves betrayed by our senses. We have sought pleasure and found pain. We have moralized and proved personally insufficient. We have crusaded for various causes only to find emptiness and a sense of time wasted. Our bodies registered ecstasy and we woke up in the gutter. Therefore, we are careful to guard against the search for, and acceptance of, momentary pleasure. Caution can be cool.

Our recovery writing is our attempt to share with others what we have found to be true in simple, direct terms, based on actual, personal experience. It is courageous because we attempt not only to make sense of our own recovery but also to make a sincere effort to help other addicts get clean and begin to grow again as human beings.

There are many forces against us in our efforts. Many institutions exist because our disease is so prevalent that it is hard to imagine a world without it. Our disease takes so many forms other than addiction to drugs. We are incredibly disabled by our addiction and even after finally seek recovery in NA, our disease will take other forms: gambling, over-eating, obsession with work or social standing. The disability and degradation of our affliction may end us up totally worn out, beaten and institutionalized. Experience in hospitals, jails, and treatment centers may confuse us. Total abstinence may seem simplistic to professionals with a bias towards dispensing drugs. NA is the last option for many, the last house on the block, so to speak. Recovery would be a heck of a lot of trouble for a non-addict to go through if they did not feel their life was at stake. We try to avoid being all things to all people. Non-addicts should seek help elsewhere and never be allowed to change our written program of recovery based on total abstinence. For most, NA is the only place in the world where total abstinence is available.

This can seem harsh or unscientific to those who require drugs of various types to live a normal life. We do not discourage or add to the problems of such people who are attracted to NA. We just know that our disease is so tricky that our minds and bodies will make up symptoms to get drugs. There is no use in arguing this point, Some people will never ‘get’ it. We have to stand up for our way or life if we are to have a way of life.

It takes true commitment to move forward and do the right thing. Infighting, greed, and petty jealousy constantly rip away at our efforts. These elements take their toll. Those who criticize may devalue our freely given efforts. Recovery writing in NA is just another form of commitment to recovery. It is one in which the elements of greed, self-centeredness and pride must be eliminated. There is a saying that may apply here, "If a pickpocket meets a saint, he will see only pockets."

Those who find a message of recovery in our meetings will surely experience some of the curiosity and wonder we share. Those who look for flaws will see only flaws. A successful piece of recovery writing enhances areas of personal growth and has the internal power to leap from the page into our loneliness, despair and pain. We have found success in these areas. Our writing has helped many shake off the feelings and mindset that leads to relapse. Our energy seems to come from our experience with the thinking that accompanies relapse. In relating our feelings, the reader may suddenly realize that others have turned back before using. Only sharing what we have experienced personally has the power and energy to do this.

There is a tendency among us addicts to look for the dark, hidden meaning in things and avoid the simple and obvious need we have to share. The lessons we learn may not become ours until we share them. Information can feel like power. We can forget that the learning we have found has a universal source that any sincere individual can access at any time. Our sharing is only a reminder of what we know to be true when we are in our right minds. The distrust that is a big part of our addiction seeks loopholes and exceptions to recovery principles. Personality flaws or shortcomings will seem more important to some than the good we do.

If we fall into the trap of possessiveness, what we know becomes tainted with greed and a lust for personal power. We who do this work seek to become aware because we care. We learn that we can pass on important information to those who are in dying need of it. Often to counteract the negativity of our fear and disbelief, we have found that if we look at the brighter side, then the brighter side becomes more real to us.

Our loving gratitude is abundant. Caring and sharing is our way. We stand ready, with God's help, to supply the needs, right the wrongs, and take on the responsibilities required to insure the continuance and growth of Narcotics Anonymous. NA is the miracle that any addict can get clean and stay clean by following a set of written principles: The NA Twelve Steps and the NA Twelve Traditions.

Therefore, in all sincerity, we undertake this work that others may benefit. Possession of this work resides with the Spirit that makes us one in our gratitude and effort. No service body, board, or any group of people inside or outside NA should ever regard this work as their own legal possession. In the exhaustive process of doing this work in the traditional manner, all should be in order before the work is considered finished. After completion, we will allow no further changes. If other points of concern arise, we will address them separately in other writings. We don't want to foster close-mindedness, yet we have learned that the tendency to personal preference is so strong in some of us that efforts towards change would begin to defeat our efforts if any opportunity existed. There will always be small groups of people who want to take over.

Truth has no copyright. We borrow from all fields anything that might help our people get clean, stay clean or help others. We expect others to borrow in turn from our experiences. Possessiveness would undermine our spiritual integrity and deny our faith in our Ultimate Authority. Our writing is an expression of our love. We pray to be willing, forthright and honest even in the face of greed, jealousy and fear. We grant permission for reprinting to members from within the Fellowship. Non-member individuals, groups, or organizations are forbidden to copy our materials or use our trademarks. Our literature belongs to our Fellowship and is a tangible form of our common welfare. Our method is simple: All of us own our literature, and none of us can sell our copyrights.

To change material after it has been subjected to the close scrutiny, study and seemingly endless discussion that only the NA Fellowship can conceive of is like touching up a masterpiece because you found a crooked line. It diminishes the quality of the material by substituting work that may seem nicer yet lack the core of inner strength our extreme processing creates. Critics should go to their own studio and paint their own picture. Being clean, helping others and living a better life on a daily basis has a value beyond what can be bought with money. If our writing does not have the ring of truth and love for those who suffer from our disease, it will be useless for purposes of recovery. It will get old after one reading and will not even touch us at the times we need it the most.

Individuals are free to write and publish whatever they like within the law of the land. Our literature in NA must also be free. We want to pursue our recovery process without the constraints others would place on us. Some of us may become writers the same way others will find their places in the world.

Today, we want to give back some of what we received. Addicts coming to NA today should know that they are loved by people praying to be used as instruments to help them. Recovery is a wonderful thing and many of us feel that too much time has been wasted haggling over how to write literature in NA. We will do better to encourage addicts working individually or as groups and let the quality and usefulness of certain pieces become self-evident. Bureaucracy has a deadening effect on most processes involving spirituality. Bureaucracy must not bind the free Spirit that is NA. Bureaucracy is the enemy of self-help organizations.

At any given point in our recovery, the disease of addiction will seek to divide and destroy us if we allow it to take control. Newcomers don’t understand this at all. They may not even believe they have a disease. They are clueless how it affects their thinking and relationships. Newcomers do not know the disease is deviously working in their very own minds against their every move towards recovery. Certainly they have no idea if or how it affects the Fellowship or such an endeavor as this book. The newcomer simply thinks they have a problem with drugs. Having had time to search our hearts for an answer on these issues, our spiritual guidance is this: that we have to keep the faith ourselves before we have anything to offer others. As long as we can tell the truth in a plain, simple and honest manner, the way will open to us.

Foundation Group of N.A.
September 22, 2005


INTRODUCTION

Introductions are supposed to explain how to utilize or benefit from a book, so we are at a curious juncture. To benefit from this book, we must first write it! We want to share our experience through writing for the Fellowship and make an important point: that it can be done and that we can do it.

When we were writing the Basic Text, there were plenty of people who said it was impossible, can't be done, or at least not the way we had it planned. We may have seemed foolish, even a little crazy, to trust a bunch of addicts to write a book about their ‘recovery.’ In those days, there were many people who had little respect for us. We had to earn respect by being respectable. Writing our own literature let people know we were serious about our gratitude, serious about our recovery, and serious about our willingness to love and care for the newcomer.

Most of you have benefited from the Basic Text yet never expected to get to write anything helpful. Well, the plan for this book is to sponsor writing from the society of addicts recovering in NA. Chapter length pieces on any topic within the range of things we experience in recovery can be included in the book.

In particular, there are many among us being dismayed that some energy is being exerted against the principle idea that our recovery is from 'just' drug addiction. The exciting thing about NA, for us, has always been the relief we have found from our addiction once we stopped using. Those of you who share this belief might find some fascinating material to add to our recovery process. Over-spending, gambling, sexual obsession and other compulsions have nothing to do with chemical addiction but trigger chemical changes in our bodies. Our serious concern here is that our disease appears to mutate into other forms. Some of these forms may be as seemingly non injurious as watching too much TV and others that may be as totally devastating as any degree of drug' addiction. We must count ourselves as free to write about any of these things. A big part of our program is to constantly expand into new areas of living. We believe the very best should be available to those who choose to live the NA way of life.

Consider yourself free to write for this book. If your writing is sincere and accurate, at least you will benefit to some degree. Your efforts may be a runaway best-photocopied, eternally underground recovery piece. It may become a booklet or a new chapter. Many of the chapter length pieces can be expanded into a book to help carry our message.

This material is meant only to help addicts and is given freely. It should never be seen as mere property and no addict anywhere should ever be made to suffer by our efforts to help. Remember that one of the ways we have survived is by using our imagination and acting on hunches. This is one way God creatively works in our lives.

We wrote our Basic Text in the years between 1977 and 1982. As was our intention, we surrendered the material to the main World Service Conference that then moved the material into the safekeeping of our World Service Office. Almost right away, adversarial issues set the WSO at odds with the membership who had written the book. Without the Fellowship realizing it, the WSO began to set itself up as a publishing agency which is very different from a primary service center. We did not know that other 12 Step Fellowships, such as AA, did not mark up their literature to fund their service efforts. This kept their literature from becoming a way to make money for the General Service Office.

We are ready to begin this new work. There is trouble with going through what used to be the approved channels with this work. The channels are no longer there in our NA service structure.

An alternative route has been developed. We will open chapters experimentally and develop them as recovery themes. We will then have them work-shopped by various members throughout the Fellowship. We will distribute the various chapters informally and let the result be compiled into a final manuscript. We will only take into account the needs of the addicts seeking recovery based on the valid experience of our membership.

We don't recommend using this anonymous effort to grind personal axes, yet your feelings are important. Remember to respect our reader. Share the way you would in a meeting and let the value of your sharing show itself. Like our personal recovery, the writing would take on its own colors and word choices. Some material might have an intellectual appeal. Other material might be rather raw and coarse. All would depend on its usefulness to perpetuate itself. May the God of your understanding be with us as we proceed to extend our written message of recovery.

Foundation Group of N.A.
September 22, 2005
http://www.nawol.org/

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CHAPTER ONE
N.A. SOCIETY

Washington DC
December 2005

The NA Society has existed since addicts first started to meet on a regular basis and live the 12 Steps within the spirit of the 12 Traditions of Narcotics Anonymous. Our members have always provided the personal services that characterize our Society. We find our ‘trusted servants’ from within this Society. Our trusted servants function in order to ensure that our needs as a Fellowship are met. While a primary precept of the NA Society is inclusion for all, individuals always retain the freedom to remove themselves. No one is forced to do anything. We carry the NA message of hope and recovery to all who seek it.

We have functioned in the service structure beginning in the 1950's, spreading in the early 1970's and exploding into large numbers in the 1980's. Some parts of the existing structure have worked well, while other areas have had major problems. No service structure can meet all of our needs. In the attempt to meet more of our needs we should understand and pass on that service is not only fulfilled in the formal sense, but in the informal sense as well. In addition, we do not have to agree on all issues in order to serve in our society.

As members of NA, we have the rights of membership. These rights include receiving accurate information from all members of our service structure and the right to question this information. We can attend all recovery meetings regardless of our personal beliefs, background, or how we choose to express our program. We can start a meeting. We have the right to carry the message of recovery according to our own conscience. These rights are taken lightly. They are somewhat exceptional as organizations go because we do no testing and issue no certificates of membership. Whether we are formally voted into service by a body of members or not, we can still be part of our service structure. Members who show up at fund-raisers are an example of this non-structural, informal support. Any activities that service committees undertake remain totally dependent on the support from the members of the Fellowship. As members of the NA Society we are involved in the voluntary service structure, never forgetting that we provide the energy and love that is needed to make this work. This is why we focus on serving the Fellowship, instead of members serving the service structure.

Since each of us contribute to, as well as draw from, our common resources, we each have a definite personal interest in the growth and continuation of NA. We create a collective and multifaceted approach to solutions that include structured and unstructured, formal and informal networks of members who seek, distribute and discuss information. Many times the informal and unstructured approaches can go far beyond what is possible within structured approaches. The results of these efforts often find a greater availability and increased usability of solutions within our Society. We work together to strengthen the ties that bind us.

This NA Society also provides us with non-structural and informal forums in which we can address ongoing interests, projects, and goals. We recognize that many of our members work programs that place great emphasis on personal service. Personal service is the time and attention we give one another on a daily basis as members of NA. Phone calls, rides to meetings, email, anything we do to help other members. This contact is the essential service of NA. We could not exist as a Fellowship without it. Caring and sharing is actually the essence of our program beyond total abstinence. Personal service has always been the first and last level of service that gives all other service its meaning. Many of our members have fulfilled their commitments and continue to support the service structure by their participation, study, and general discussions with others who love and have a commitment to NA. Obviously, this is the only place that we can find the ongoing accumulation of knowledge and experience. Many of our problems have come from reliance on members elected to positions of service who may or may not understand our Steps and Traditions well enough to serve effectively and lovingly. Like riding a motorcycle, many do well until they think they know what they are doing.

The force that gives The NA Society its validity is generated because we stay true to our spiritual integrity. We stay true to this integrity by following the letter and spirit of our Traditions. Violations of our integrity diminish this life-giving force. In fact, they are immoral. Morality allows us to take action and to be acted upon without a sense of violation of our personal spiritual directions. Morality and virtue simply mean living within spiritual principles so that the energy we develop will build our strength rather than steadily drain us.

It does not always appear, however, that all of us live within the spiritual principles of our Society. Fortunately, the natural tendency we have to involve ourselves in things that personally interest us creates a foundation of members increasingly experienced with the system needed to grow and flourish as a Fellowship. Information flows along unusual paths within and throughout the Fellowship. We addicts have discovered ingenious ways to find out what is happening and will always discover what we need to know when we need to know it. Those who attempt to operate in secret are only fooling themselves. Abe Lincoln said, "You can fool all the people some of the time, some of the people all the time but you cannot fool all the people all the time." Our road to self government has at times been rocky but ultimately, our members provide for their needs any way they can. When there are difficulties, we practice patience, humility and tolerance because right or wrong, we care for all our members. They have nowhere else to go. Time will always sort out the sincere from the insincere.

Generally, when a group is focused on helping others, a positive activity or a new service, they are happy, enthusiastic, and spirited. When they turn inward and look for differences, they can turn sour and become plagued by infighting. A good balance between enthusiastic newcomers and members who have been around a while seems to be the best mix. In a spiritual Fellowship, the few do the work for the many. That's just the way it is. One possible explanation for this is that it only takes a few to do it and we don't like stepping on each other. Other times, individuals may lack skills that cannot be covered in guidelines and if they fail to get the word out, no one shows up. It is important to realize that even though we are clean, we are still human. Our good people may outnumber our disruptive people, but they are not as loud.

Naturally, there will always be the detractors who will appear to score victories at the expense of the Fellowship. Detractors can be disruptive members trying to shove their beliefs down everyone else's throats, they can be trusted servants abusing their trust, or they can simply be us, being our own imperfect selves! The beauty is that NA is a self-correcting program. Many of our members have felt emotional pain over some of the ‘wrongs’ done in the name of service. These ‘wrongs’ can and do damage our faith in one of our most valuable resources: our loving and devoted ‘trusted servants.’ But one of our strengths is the ability to use the pain for gain. Pain forces us to reach deep inside and find the spiritual strength and guidance to continue, relying on the Will of a loving God for the benefit of all addicts. We find that when they keep coming back, disruptive members often become more aware of how their actions affect others and correct themselves. The pity is that if members don't have a rhinocerous hide yet, they may be crushed to find any imperfection in the service structure and take it to mean that NA has failed to live up to their expectations. Of course, this is a great opportunity for them to relapse. This is why we say NA is the spiritual moment when two addicts realize they don't have to use today. This is followed up with another saying, "All else is not NA."

The petty games, bureaucratic manipulations, and betrayal of trust by the disruptive ones are actions that will become apparent AND self-correcting over a period of time. The 'wrongs' are righted with the continual practice of gratitude, love, and dedication found in the spiritual integrity of our Society. As Recovering members of the NA Society:

1) We work the Steps and practice the Principles for our personal growth.
2) We practice the Traditions and rely on a Higher Power for our common welfare.
3) We support the fellowship through sharing, giving comfort and service.

This is what keeps our spiritual integrity intact so those who experience the pain of betrayal will continue working towards positive solutions.

At times, our patience and restraint may be mistaken as a lack of resolution and the energy needed to be effective. However, many of us have found that by patiently keeping the faith and coming back, we create the space for the miracles of tomorrow. If we concede that the troubles described above come from ignorance of spiritual principles, the remedy must come from those of us who have learned to apply spiritual principles. Creating the space for miracles and solutions is one of the main functions of our NA Society.

Periods of rapid growth create the need for us to find balance. Members of the NA Fellowship must counterbalance the overwhelmed service committees. Their policies and proclamations do not always reflect our Fellowship as a whole. We will most likely never find that perfect set of guidelines. When our service structure was formed, it was beneficial to model it after the existing Fellowship of AA. Our service structure was written and approved in the middle Seventies but it was based on a fellowship's guidelines that did not exactly fit us.

Nevertheless, we began the exciting and sometimes painful process of building our service structure in 1976. Today, we have the opportunity to look back and inventory what has worked and where we need improvement. It is the job of the Fellowship to envision and continually improve our service structure.

Studying how our Society actually functions will reveal some useful answers. We encourage each other to fully examine our Fellowship, our NA Society, and learn how it works, both within the structured and the non-structured service systems. This will increase our understanding and ability to serve others. Too often, the emphasis is placed on rigid formalities taking the focus away from the needs of the addict seeking recovery. Strict adherence to formal structured service not only ignores common sense, but also lends itself to the development of open conflicts about loyalty, viewpoints, and levels of understanding. Group conscience requires informing and polling the membership about matters that affect them directly or NA as a whole.

Helping others becomes an impossible task when we fight among ourselves. However, our unity within the NA Society with its principles of recovery holds us together when other bonds seem to have been broken. Strange conflicts always emerge when egos override ideals and personal power overrides principle. The ‘powerful’ may appear to be heavy handed and obtuse in their apparent ignorance of what is really going on in NA. The ‘surrendered’ seem to be ineffective, at times illogical, yet things work out for them. The assortment of members of the NA Society, includes volunteers, trusted servants, newcomers and old-timers alike. They are the driving force of NA spiritual principles, the members creating the space for the miracles of NA. They can be invisible to someone who has not yet learned how to practice our spiritual principles. Service, as an extension of our personal will portrays a different picture than does service as an extension of God's Will. God’s Will is often invisible, working quietly and patiently in the background. God works through us, ALL OF US. God is the guiding force of our NA Society.

"Over the years," an old-timer in our NA Society shared, "I've had to re-learn a very basic truth about service. Service is not something that only takes place in our various committee meetings or through our offices. ‘Service’ is not a business and doesn't only take place in our ‘business meetings.’ Service happens whenever the NA message of recovery is made available to the still-suffering addict. The most that our structure was intended to be was a tool that we as groups and individuals can use to better carry the message of recovery. We are not required nor do we have any obligation to use this tool. The service structure was never intended to be a ‘governing body’ of any type." While our Traditions make this clear, you will still find those who miss the point. A perceived position of power is a tempting thing for a lonely, frightened person. It may be that our service structure is designed in ways to help our members 'get over themselves' in ways that could exist in no other way.

Service is 12 Stepping an addict on the telephone, making coffee for a group meeting and talking to a newcomer. It is also serving on a committee and holding an elected position. The joy of giving, inherent in spiritual service, can not be overlooked. If the joy is not there, something is wrong. Many newcomers are bewildered as to what this 'service' thing is, especially in rural areas where there is not a lot of formal structure. After our prayers for a loving Ultimate Authority to take care of our lives, we can become channels of our Higher Power consciously. It is not something that can be put into words. It is not a service to get elected and feel better than your fellow members. If you come across something they should know, your service is incomplete until you find a way to pass it on to them. Holding on to information for personal power is an abuse of trust, not a service.

Although each of us strive for excellence in service, whether formal or informal, and may exceed our own expectations at times, at other times we may fall short. We choose to not brush these problems under the carpet because when it happens to you, you need to know certain things to survive. When we look at things this way, we understand that the entire 'serving our fellow addict' effort is dependent upon keeping faith and respecting people's feelings. This way, they will respect our feelings as well. This understanding places some rather clear guidelines on what should happen within our Fellowship in service or in recovery meetings. Our experience indicates that whenever we stray from our spiritual integrity, we all suffer. This requires us to become adept at keeping our egos in check and working with others, who sometimes have difficulty with ego, power and self-will. After all, creating the time and space for the NA miracle to happen is the whole point of the service structure.

We do not get sick overnight and it takes years to become the people we really want to be. It takes a lot of patience, tolerance and humility on the part of us all. This does not mean that we should accept unacceptable behavior, only that we must try to be understanding and not compromise our principles when confronting other's shortcomings. Sometimes our best efforts are misunderstood. Sometimes, we misunderstand the efforts of others. In any event, when people get out of hand in a recovery or service setting, we practice our spiritual principles by asking God to show us how to react in order to soften the harshness and disharmony.

Betrayal

Since NA is a healing society, we respect pain and alleviate suffering. It is understood that our members are sick and need help. This means we have built in safeguards not stated and not clearly known to protect both the giver and receiver of spiritual help. In these times, it is good to keep your own counsel and avoid taking sides. If one side tries to pressure you into negative action, remember the law of karma insures you will receive ten times what you send out. Before getting drawn into someone else’s circle, we ask, “What was the result of fear-based action in my past?”

Coming from a disease of isolation, most of us are ill equipped to take care of ourselves when we find someone attacking us. The first instinct is to retaliate and attack in turn. This makes us reactionary to someone else’s behavior and if that someone does not wish us well, it works to help them attack us. If we allow ourselves to slip into anger, we become their pawn. We may fall all over ourselves trying to placate and meet the demands of the other without realizing that the early demands lead to more demands. When dealing with an adversary, this only fuels the fire. They will likely use our attempt to reconcile as some type of evidence that we were somehow in the wrong… positive motives and actions would go against their negativity.

It is better to hold actions and responses in reserve while praying and meditating. Often a simple way out will appear before us. Almost all addicts who are getting into the clean life will struggle and fall into these traps. Enough blind alleys and wasted time and energy will teach us the error of our ways. Futility is a fact of life. The recovery process will guide us past these pitfalls if we continue to focus on working the 12 Steps of NA.

Especially when we withhold negativity, our attacker will get even more angry. In their pain and anger, they will imagine we are only behaving well so we will look good. We should remember that their pain and anger is real and they will do us serious injury if they can. So, it is like dealing with a dangerous animal.

Fear creates patterns of attack and retaliation. One of the best tactics when betrayed is to simply withdraw contact. First ascertain that the threat is real by fact finding but then, don’t feed into the negativity. Negativity cannot feed itself. It must labor to find positive energy from positive people. It cannot create anything worthwhile. Allowing oneself to be drawn into association only results in lessening of energy, pain and confusion. While some care must be exercised in this, you will never be condemned for not attacking in return. If action must be taken, let it be of the firm and resolute sort, not giving a blow for a blow and so helping to initiate and maintain the violent struggle.

The study of karate provides good examples of this. Let the opponent attack you, step aside and perhaps give them a little push to help them along their way. By not allowing anger to enter in, the clear state of mind is preserved and actions need not damage the opponent beyond exhausting them and convincing them of their folly. Of course, they will not like this and seek to further vindicate themselves from responsibility for their actions as they continue to attack and cause damage.

A lesson from service is important here: we do not help others until they ask for that help because if we do, they will attack us as soon as they get on their feet. They will take the help as an insult. Until they ask for help you can contribute your presence only but maintain your own focus and spiritual center because being near them will be like being in a whirl pool and they will try to suck you into their reality. If necessary, tell them they must ask for help in words before you can help them.

We come to that which we place our minds on. If we are envious or jealous of others, we will never find peace or joy in what we already have. We will endlessly feel less than the other person and imagine that if we could somehow get what they had, we would be ok.

In the world of addicts, one reality we have to learn to face is betrayal. With a disease characterized by isolation, we learn that ‘keep coming back’ means we never fully recover and we always need to maintain our spiritual condition by healthy interaction with other clean addicts. Hiding our pain, pulling away, failing to seek our answers, attributing false motives to those who would help us are ways we do this.

There is an ancient text that tells the story of an old king with two sons. To maintain their territory and protect their farmers living on distant borders, the king sends his eldest son, the heir to the throne, out with the kingdoms army to wage war against a hostile incursion. The task takes years. In the meantime, the old king dies and the second son becomes the pretender to the throne. It is only fitting that he attend to the royal functions and duties of ruling in the absence of his brother. But he becomes accustomed to the glory of rule and the trappings of kingship. Although the members of the court and the people know the eldest son is ruler, it is beyond their power to do anything to oppose the acting ruler.

The story begins when the distant war is ended successfully and order is restored. On returning to the central city, the eldest brother realizes he is going home to fight another war. It was different when he could fight an honest enemy intruding on the hereditary soil and committing atrocities. But this new war would be cousin against cousin, teacher against student: all relatives and all loved. He has his war chariot drawn up between the two armies and looking at the faces before and behind him, he collapses and asks God to take him and let these others go.

God responds by telling him that the eternal spirit in all these warriors will never die, cannot die in fact. Further, he tells him that even if death of the soul were possible, it would be better to die fighting and doing ones duty than to go out ignoble and be called a coward by those who understand little of loving a large mass of people. Thus ensues the ancient tale.

In the end, the brother raises his head and says that he understands now and will go forth to battle without hatred in his heart but only willingness to do that which God places before him. While some will know this tale, it is enough to consider the elements and think of where you fit into the story of your life. Are you doing your duty or invading the province of another.

Addicts dissociate their feelings when cutting ties to friends and relatives. Addictive disease makes it necessary that they do this because on deeper levels they realize that if they are fully conscious they cannot act so badly. Their egos hold them in abeyance. So, they begin to fabricate a new reality – one that allows them to do their will. They collect negative potentials and justifiers that make them feel empowered. They enjoy the heady feeling of personal power. It is like a drug to them: dulling their senses and mangling their lives all the while making false promises that will not be honored.

With addiction, we do ourselves in by ignoring our better instincts and inducing good feelings with drugs and substitutes. Without the drugs, we learn to manage our own moods and make our own peace with God and life. If we are clean and betray our own conscience it causes us to feel the ‘wrongness’ of our actions. This is good. But if we fight the healthy curb on our egotistical drives and seemingly justified bad behavior.

Genocide

Bureaucratic betrayal is the worst kind. Trusted to help and provide for a population who has not
direct access to the overview are easily manipulated and controlled, even pitting loyal members
against one another in futile struggle and conflict.

The people native to North America were not just pushed off their land. They were subjected to a program of genocide wherein they were forced to give up their last names. The invaders even denied them a surname like Smith or Williams. They were given first names like Bill, Bob or Luke for last names.

Their women were raped to create children of mixed blood to wipe out the genetic inheritance of the people. Their Children were taken to group schools and their parents denied the right and ability to raise them in a traditional manner. Those who sought to help them were confounded with bureaucratic misdirection. Even though this went on for generations, there are those who support their struggle for identity and the real history of their people.

Misuse of law, betrayal of the basic tenets of human civilization and downright cruelty will eventually yield up to correction. Mankind has always struggled to come to terms with the dark side. There are those who will not rest until all such wrongs are righted.

Member shares from WCNA 31: "A member from the Fellowship in India consulted with me once in Hawaii asking what to do when negative people show and begin to put a cloud on everything. One thing I shared with him: 'Do not let someone’s darkness block your light.' I think the most important thing we learn in recovery is to avoid taking on someone’s problems as our own. This gives us more time to take care of our own real commitments and straighten out the wrinkles in our own life. One sure way to make the world a better place is to mind your own business."

As the desire and envy grow, a willingness to be underhanded grows with it. Soon, we will begin to make up reasons to justify our actions and once we cobble together enough lies and half truths to get going, we will begin or attack. As we gain momentum, we become that which we fear in the other person. While difficult, it may be possible to find some high ground in the situation and thereby avoid unwonted retaliation and defensive action that might cause harm or injury to the attacker. Usually they will wear themselves out in a little time and seek another target for their negativity.

Ignorance is dangerous because ignorant individuals experience failure and if someone knows better, they appear to be an enemy. By being in the know, the ignorant feel put upon and unfairly disadvantaged. The movement of knowledge takes time and many personal opinions and adjustments must be made along the way. This is what makes surrender and the desire for recovery so important to our membership.

The ignorant betray out of projection of their own pain and guilt. They cannot help this and those who make themselves available to help must be constantly on guard against projection and misinterpretation.

Finding and maintaining your spiritual connection, conscious contact, is the best source of guidance you can get. Human beings are set up to respond to their inner being – indeed this is probably what really separates us from animals. Of course some animals have amazing abilities, and kindness is not unknown even among animals! If we allow ourselves to focus on an adversary, we may find our only visible options are to respond to the attack. By distancing ourselves, we may find many ways to make ourselves a less desirable target or a target more difficult to hit. Real love is the greatest revenge.

We get with our sponsors, discuss issues with our friends and read any helpful literature. Our study of NA history tells us of the results of rushing off half cocked and ready to fire. We are not good at patience and tolerance. Giving people time to study and sort things out, we come to better conclusions - better for us all. This is where our common welfare comes from.

Selfless service is not done with any thought of reward or recompense. If there is recompense, credit or reward involved, it is selfish service. NA has long been a tremendous repository of positive energy coming from the gratitude of tens of thousands and then hundreds of thousands of recovering addicts.

Many ask, "What about unity when we’re questioning the service structure and the motives of people in seeming power in NA?" Well, unity takes place when we, as individuals and groups, base our service on the same primary purpose and use the Twelve Traditions as our common map in so doing. This keeps us all headed in the same direction toward the same goal that unites us in purpose. It makes no difference whether we walk, drive a car or truck, fly or hitchhike. It is only important that we keep moving in the same direction and follow the rules ‘of the road.’ These rules are best embodied in our NA Twelve Traditions. We must travel together on this journey in order to get the message of hope for recovery to addicts who might die from this disease.

Remember, we created the existing service structure and all of its different components and have the freedom to choose whether or not to use it. We may choose not to use any of it or to use any part of it that we feel is helpful to us in achieving our ‘primary purpose.’ We may, at any time decide to create other tools for service, as long as they are not negative to NA as a whole, and we do not need anyone's permission to do so. We are limited only by our imagination and abilities. This is where the importance of our NA Society is most visible. Each of us individually has our own gifts. Some of us write, while others enjoy organizing functions such as dances, picnics and fund-raisers. Some members relate well to those in jails and institutions while others enjoy working with the public. Some of us feel comfortable in accepting responsibility on a grand scale such as undertaking major projects while others feel more comfortable when they are chairing a meeting or just making coffee.

It is our responsibility as individual members of this Society to discover and use our gifts for the betterment of the Fellowship. Each member has his or her own unique position in our NA Society. We individually have our own aptitudes, gifts, and ability to meet responsibilities that we use in order to contribute to our ‘primary purpose.’ All we need to do is to free ourselves and each other so that we can follow the will of our Higher Power and remain united in our efforts through the spiritual principals of the Traditions. We need to remember that while there are many things we cannot do individually, together we can do everything. We just need to do our part. Our leaders need to remember that everyone is important and we each have an indispensable role in recovery. No one is expendable. We have seen the worst of us grow into positive contributing members. We have also seen the best of us go asunder. There is no point where the rules no longer apply to any of us. Our society is made up of individuals in various stages of recovery. By pulling together, practicing the principles, and working our Steps, we get to see the miracles of recovery and life unfolding in our NA Society. Like the ocean, we may seem to come and go - but we are always there.



[10.21.05]

[admin]

CHAPTER TWO
DISEASE CONCEPT

Knoxville NAFG Draft
October 2005

Many of us arrive at our first NA meeting spiritually dead, emotionally crippled and in poor physical health. Overwhelmed by shame, guilt, self-hatred and the painful rewards of our self-centered lifestyle, we are relieved to find that we have a treatable disease. In NA, we have evolved a concept of the disease of addiction as arrived at by addicts recovering in NA. Our moral values, which we thought were long gone, can be revived by living in harmony with the principles found within the 12 Steps and Traditions of NA.

One of the first and most important tools we are given in our struggle to overcome addiction is an understanding of the disease. A thorough grasp of this new-found reality has opened the door to recovery for countless addicts worldwide.

A phrase often quoted to newcomers is "we are not responsible for our disease but we are responsible for our recovery." This short statement aptly captures the essence of the disease concept. We are no longer victims of some mysterious or other-worldly force. Rather than remaining overwhelmed by negative emotion, we are given a set of simple guidelines that we can apply to begin a journey toward inner peace and over all recovery.

Clinging to any reservations we may have in accepting the fact that we have a disease called addiction is referred to as denial. Denial of our condition is nothing more than an invitation to further pain and confusion. Denial is the mind game that all addict play to avoid dealing with reality and the consequences of our using. Often times our life-styles have become quite bizarre, yet we remain convinced that everything is normal. Denial is a mental operation of rationalization and justification used to shield us from the pain of our current situation.

NA offers a solution to those who stubbornly embrace denial and who doubt the fact that this disease is the source of our unmanageable lives. Newcomers are encouraged to write the first step of the NA program. When faced with the black and white evidence of our dilemma, it is difficult to deny the fact that this disease is controlling our actions, spoiling any hope of a meaningful lives.

Having accepted our disease, we must be careful to realize that our addiction can be easily transferred to other destructive behaviors such as going to extremes in the areas of; compulsive spending, over-eating and sexual acting out. New members are especially susceptible as many will use almost anything in an attempt to fill the void and emotional emptiness left as a result of giving up the primary symptom. Although applying the steps, going to meetings and using a sponsor does not offer the immediate gratification found in addictive lifestyle, it does offer the long term solutions we truly seek.

We know that addiction is a three-part illness. It is physical, mental and spiritual. There is no greater advantage to the addict seeking recovery than learning the disease concept of addiction. This has enabled hundreds of thousands of NA members to recover. The more we understand the direct connection between our pain and our disease, the less likely we are to allow ourselves to drift back into that patterns that precede relapse. We have to take care that symptoms of our disease such as; exerting power in powerless situations, credit taking, judgment of others, and reluctance to do our part do not gain control again. Pain does not cure our illness; it does motivate us to seek solutions. The most solemn vow and the strongest will power offer only temporary solutions. In our experience, until an addict finds the sincere desire to stop using there is little hope for recovery. It is this desire that fuels our recovery.

We have come to understand that we suffer from a disease called addiction. This disease tells us that we do not have a disease, and therefore our minds work against us. That is how it fools even the most inteligent people. If we cannot grasp the concept of addiction as an illness, as in a medical text book, we may think of it this way: the belief that this illness exists and is treatable will help us get results while denial of its existence will kill us. While we readily admitted to powerlessness over drugs in early recovery, most of us struggled with the concept of being powerless over our addiction. Our addiction exists with or without drugs. Even without drugs, the disease often shows up in compulsions such as; arrogance, gambling, spending, eating, lust and generally overdoing anything that makes us feel good.

Understanding that ours is not a moral problem usually comes as an enormous relief for those of us suffering from addiction's guilt and shame. Our new understanding lifts that heavy weight. Most of us thought we had a problem from which recovery was not possible. We do not know why we have this disease nor does it matter. What does matter is the solution for arresting its progression. We may pretend that everything is all right, but this pretense is only our denial at work. We understand from the beginning that NA does not offer a definitive solution for all problems. We are just addicts who have a disease and have found a way to live clean and productive lives. Addiction promised us a lot, gave us a little and took away everything. Today we are able to stay clean and achieve ongoing recovery by living the NA way of life.

One path that some take to recover from the symptoms of addiction is attacking them one by one. Many 12-step fellowships have appeared in the past 65 years using this method. We in Narcotics Anonymous have another approach. The First Step of NA says, "We admitted we were powerless over our addiction . . ." NA focuses not on what we used but on our addictive personalities that forced us to abuse many things. Addiction creates the emptiness inside us that drives us to seek contentment in all the wrong places. This step asks us to surrender our self-loathing, destructive thinking and behaviors. Then what? Upon closer examination, we have found that every harmful behavior exists because we do not love ourselves enough. We may deny this, but look at what we do to ourselves.

Expressing love opens the door for us to obtain freedom. We learn how to love by working the Steps and the Traditions. We learn to apply the spiritual principles embodied in them into our lives. It takes time, repeated effort and a willingness to learn real love. Many addicts have said that working with others got them through particularly tough times. When we show concern for another, we manage to divert attention from ourselves and our compulsions. We identify with the feelings that many addicts share because we have been there and done that.

We used more drugs, used more often, and substituted new drugs as our addiction progressed while the rest of our lives fell apart. Many of us covered our general failure by maintaining special skills or abilities. Our abilities diminished, and even the special skills we used to hide our addiction began to fail us. That strategy was to do an especially good job and keep others off our back. It was just another thing we did to use. We knew we were in conflict with the world. Making excuses, criticizing others, feeling inadequate, unworthy, guilty and fearful was our existence. Negativity became a way of life for us. Because of this unhealthy spiritual condition, we tried to escape. Our mental processes broke down and our thinking became obsessive. We thought that the answers to our problem were out there somewhere and if we could only get enough of one thing or another, we would be all right. The obsessive thinking that follows the process of spiritual disconnection ends with compulsive activity. This is a recurring and dangerous pattern. We have seen this pattern emerge in many ways after we got clean.

Addiction has created a pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to help us deal with life. When we could no longer hide the fact that our addiction had taken over our lives, we faced total collapse. We have found that the only way out is by total surrender. In spite of all the denial, evasive actions and repeated attempts to use successfully, nothing seemed to work. We came to a place where recovery started sounding good, even though it meant we could not continue using. Of course, we knew there would have to be a few changes.

One addict shared: "Having this disease is not my fault. We do not know why we have this disease nor does it matter. What matters is the solution for arresting the progress of the disease. This baffling and fatal disease compromises our morality. What would a cancer patient do for a cure, not to die? Just about anything, correct? The problem lies in not knowing we have a disease to begin with. Just as any cancer patient can identify with any other cancer patient, but may not accept his disease, so we as addicts may identify with others in recovery but still refuse to accept that we have a disease that must be treated."

Another addict shared: "I was unable to recognize my disease until I got into recovery. Today I am aware of its symptoms as they occur within me. Obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior characterizes my addiction. It follows a simple pattern. A loss of spirituality occurs when I slow down on meeting attendance, stop prayer and meditation, and take back my will. I lapse into self-centeredness and self-pity. Resentments set in and my gratitude goes out the window. Life becomes unmanageable because of this emotional relapse. I use something to change the way I feel and to fix me. I tried to cover up the pain and avoid uncomfortable feelings through laughter, people pleasing, and solving everyone else's problems. It didn't work. I had to surrender my will and my life to a Power that could heal me. After a hard and honest look at myself, I took responsibility for my part in the recovery process. Only then, was meaningful progress made."

The disease of addiction is one of reaction. When something happens, the fear that grows from our self-centered thinking pushes us into reacting. We feel threatened at every turn so we try to defend ourselves. When we feel attacked, we attack. Sometimes the attack happens only in our mind as we indulge in our resentments and fantasies of revenge. This is a common reaction but healthy recovering people do not dwell in this type of thinking for long. They interact positively with the people and events in their lives. They have learned to align their actions with their principles. This concept seems foreign to us when we are just beginning to identify our addiction. Addiction is rooted in the spirit and we call this self-centeredness. It is more than simple selfishness seeking its own way. The self-centeredness of addiction results in isolation, loneliness and alienation. It is feeling alone in the midst of a crowd, unloved in the bosom of our families, separated from our fellow human beings and even separated from the God of our understanding. We have found ourselves in a pit of despair where we feel that we are unique in our misery. We think no one can possibly understand how we feel because we believe no one has ever felt this way before.

While in this state of mind we may think of ourselves as the worst or the best. We fear letting others know who we really are because we believe that we are unlovable. We see every situation in the light of how it affects us. We are so insecure that we continually seek approval and acceptance from others, but seldom feel that we receive what we need. Self-centeredness tells we are totally alone. This is a fearful state of mind and many of us have lived in it for years. After a time, we can’t remember what it was like to live without these feelings.

As individuals, we deal with many spiritual and philosophical issues. We need to feed ourselves mentally and spiritually in order to deal with our physical and emotional differences. Many addicts have said, "Yes, I am powerless over drugs and they have made my life unmanageable, but I only came to NA to get clean. I can deal with other things on my own." Where other people can use, we cannot. Where they can control what and how much they use, we cannot. Where they can predict what will happen when they take even a small quantity of a drug, we cannot. So we tried dealing with life by buying things, gaining social acceptability, eating, gambling, working, not working, suffering emotional swings, feeling self-pity, having sex, and all the other ‘fixes.’ In the end, we had the same spiritual void that the drugs could not fill. We give our thoughts power as we plan the outcome without expectations. We begin to see how acting out on our desires can fix us. We imagine all the intricate details needed to accomplish our goal and justify our actions. By now it may seem impossible for us to turn back.

Some have said that we suffer from a love deficiency and that we are lovers in distress. Our addiction uses everything that we do to reduce positive human contact. All the terms we made up to describe ourselves are negative and signify low energy: droopy, lame, down, messed up, out of it, etc. No matter which symptom or substance we pursue, we are as determined as a hungry predator closing in on its prey. Our drive toward these obsessions can be every bit as strong as was our compulsion to get high . We have found ourselves manipulating, lying and stealing to achieve our ends. We are in the grip of our disease and we do not want to turn back. Consequently, we indulge ourselves to the point that we just cannot do any more. Dissatisfied, we finally surrender only to find ourselves with an addictive disorder looking for a way to express itself. We have found that we could not stop by our own force of will. The fulfillment that our obsessive thinking promised never happened. No matter how much we got or did, we were never satisfied. Therefore, we have to practice total abstinence from all drugs, foods containing drugs, ice cream with liqueur, cold remedies with codeine, near beer beverages or anything else that could trigger active addiction. Our understanding has to improve and our personalities rebuilt to allow us to function successfully. We call this work spiritual because it affects our spirits.

Members of the Fellowship of NA have experience in practicing total abstinence over drugs. Many have applied the principle of "not picking up the first one" to overcome other self-destructive behaviors that have made our lives unmanageable (e.g. smoking tobacco, gambling, stealing, lying, etc.). What can we do about the necessary things of life that our disease causes us to use in a destructive way? Are we destined to be helpless victims or is there hope for us in these areas too? For many of us, the compulsive symptoms other than drug use were non-existent or secondary problems during our active addiction. It was not until the drugs left our lives that we had to face our obsessions with food, sex, over-spending, or other things. Some of us have not found long-term relief from this aspect of our disease even after years in recovery.

One of our greatest challenges is learning to stop compulsive behavior as it occurs. Identifying a non-chemical relapse is not always as cut and dried as it is with being clean. With drugs, either we used or we did not. With some other symptoms prescribed medication enters the picture. There are more shades of gray and the line between abstinence and relapse can be more blurred. Daily inventories coupled with regular prayer and meditation has proven invaluable for keeping our awareness heightened and our program on track.

Addictive overeaters cannot practice total abstinence. Anorexia or bulimia is not recovery from compulsive eating. The key to recovery is eating sensibly and moderately as a permanent lifestyle. We want to be able to eat to live, rather than live to eat. As one member said, "Recovery from overeating is much harder than when I stopped using because I still have to ‘kiss the dragon’ several times a day!" The same holds true for the compulsive spender. It is not our goal to turn from spendthrift to penny-pincher. We want to learn how to set up a reasonable budget and work within those parameters. What about the members who compulsively seek out sexual gratification or destructive relationships? A period of abstinence from sexual activity may be necessary for detoxing while we do a thorough inventory, work with our sponsor, develop personal boundaries and in some cases, seek additional help. While total abstinence from sex is possible, how many of us look forward to a lifetime of celibacy? Most of us have envisioned healthy and loving relationships as our goal.

Spiritual relapses frequently occur before we know it if we are not vigilant. If a spiritual relapse happens, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes and working the program "just for today" is even more crucial. Without this persistence, we could easily become discouraged and give up altogether. Never let yesterday's relapse be a reason to use today! At these times when we feel disheartened, many of us find comfort in revisiting the Third Step. We realize that our Higher Power is always present and can help us get through any situation. The road to recovery is long and will contain some potholes along the way. In time, we learn to be grateful for our non-chemical symptoms as well. They act as caution lights, warning us that there is something wrong which needs our immediate attention. Many of us have been down this path and have experienced the miracle of recovery from addiction. We cherish the freedom and inner peace that results from a surrender that is more than simple abstinence from the use of drugs. Recovery is the process of regaining the power to live. Everything we do in recovery increases positive human contact. This allows us to move up the scale to high-energy states of being that do not make us "loaded". We know the results if we use and that can be boring! The excitement is in living clean because we are never sure what will happen. We frequently find ourselves expecting similar situations to lead to old outcomes only to find differences that crop up and gradually ease away our fears. Total abstinence, the desire for recovery, nature, time and patience are the great healers.

One addict shared: "I believe that the use of barbiturates in my early life for seizures has created the possibility for me to be addicted to everything I come in contact with. The ability to stop using was only over when there was no more money, drugs or people to use. Using in the morning was the only way to ‘kick start' this body of mine. My compulsion to live within my own paranoia was both gripping and frightening. It was inconceivable to me that life would ever change. This lifestyle became tolerable. The others that used as I did seemed to be in the midst of all the social activity. Life would not have changed until I surrendered and accepted my problem. I worked because work was only a way to earn money for my addiction. I found it easy to be successful but eventually the disease of addiction took over and the job was expendable. The streets became the reality."

In recovery, we have found that our complicated disease boiled down to simple descriptions and simple facts. Powerlessness was one aspect. Denial of our problem was another telltale sign. Blaming others for our problems was a sign of our inability to take personal responsibility. Substitution was another sign, using anything and not being able to stop once we had started. Not being able to predict what would happen once we started using was another. One of the strangest things was the way our addiction forced us to use against our own will. We let down those we loved and those who loved us the most. Isolation resulted when we ran out of people. When we first notice that nervous and uncomfortable feeling, we can pause and become quiet. We can make a decision to turn the disease over to the God of our understanding. We choose peace of mind over discomfort. If we address these feelings when they first appear, we avoid the trap of insanity. As our mind searches for the quick fix, we must remind ourselves of the pain that easy solutions have brought us in the past. We play the tape all the way through to the end, not just stopping at the part where we get what we want. We admit the consequences of our actions and honestly ask ourselves if it is worth it. We consider the positive choices and give them preference to the negative ones.

What if we are obsessing on one of our destructive symptoms and have started the process of picking-up? Are we doomed to follow it through to the bitter end? Remember that we never have to give-in to our disease. We can call someone or go to a meeting if one is available. We can pray to our Higher Power to give us the strength we need to stop the madness. Many of us identify our addiction as an allergic reaction like poison ivy or a bee-sting. Some people are not bothered by a bee sting beyond a minor discomfort. It is commonly known that someone who has had little more than momentary pain from a bee sting can progress in his or her allergy without knowing it. One more bee sting and they can swell up like a balloon! Many addicts can relate to addiction as something like diabetes and meetings as the insulin. This basic picture grows into something more complete and at the same time, it keeps us coming back.

As we grow spiritually, the internal battle may grow larger. In some of us, our system seemed to adapt to the drugs as our tolerance increased. Sometimes that adaptation seems to reverse and we are more susceptible and only a little will get us high. Many of us tried to substitute to avoid the unpleasant side effects of withdrawal. As addiction began to re-establish itself in our lives, we lost our ability to be around everyday people. We found it harder and harder to play the game of life convincingly. What the world did not know about addiction **** near killed us.

Looking at life as a clean addict gives us a whole new picture. We know that people can kill with their good intentions as if we are nothing more than lab rats. They speak with great authority on subjects they cannot possibly understand. It is important to realize that they repeat the promises of a world that offers countless products to make us feel good. We addicts are responsible to seek reliable information in order to live clean. We see where our addiction created a fantastic pattern of fears and defense mechanisms to deal with the hallucinations that we thought happened when we were using.

Even those who help us may be extremely limited in other areas of their lives yet they are entirely competent when it comes to staying clean on a daily basis. Their admission of powerlessness helps us come to terms with our own.

Some external factors can initiate temporary relief but we know that continued relief depends on personal responsibility. Our desire for recovery guides us to the very things we need most. This usually begins with our commitment to stay clean. Positive change and a revolutionary attitude can destroy a loser's point of view. As our addiction progresses during recovery, we must grow spiritually to hold it in check. Transition from a shame-based concept to a hope-based concept of self is necessary. Hope and the possibility of positive change compete with our accustomed state of despair. We must rebuild our personalities in order to function successfully. Surrender is the foundation of recovery. It opens the door to help from sources outside of our experience. When we recognize where we were and where we are now, we give credit to God and call it grace. Only by attaining and maintaining a sense of powerlessness can we keep surrendering and admitting our need for help.

The disease concept opens doors and encourages us to risk energy and to try again. Without the validation of the disease concept, the sense of powerlessness may be overwhelming. What addict has not tried and tried again to stop using and change his way of life? We failed and fell into a spiral of low self-esteem, defeat, and acceptance of our condition as permanent. When addicts hear about the disease concept, eventually, they identify. When asked what addiction feels like, we struggle to define it in accurate terms. It may first appear as a nervous or anxious sensation. We have a general feeling of being uncomfortable. Something just does not seem quite right and our minds start searching for an answer. With incredible speed we scan through our mental file cabinet for answers that have been stored away for just this situation. In a fraction of a second, we can usually focus on what we think will make us feel better. Sadly, this is only a temporary solution to our dilemma. The real solution is in taking personal responsibility for ourselves and our actions. We find a small amount of hope for a better way of life. We are relieved of the hopelessness of our addiction. The excitement of our hope attracts many newcomers.

Working the Steps relieves the symptoms. We learn that the disease of addiction is incurable, progressive and fatal if not arrested daily. The urge to live explains our continued interest and energy we put into maintaining our recovery. The answers that we share have proven themselves in the most important arena of all: our very lives. This is why it takes us years to fully understand the NA way of life. We spent a long time learning how not to live. We work the Program on a daily basis so we can continue to grow. We continue to monitor our feelings, thoughts and actions. This is the process of recovery. It is not an event, but a way of life.

People have painful living problems and suffer from the illusion that life's lessons aren't lessons but personal misfortunes that they deserved. They confuse this with their personal worth as human beings. As addicts, we base many of our feelings, reactions, and decisions on experiences that took place in the past or while we were loaded. We were in denial over the fact that all our perceptions of life where drug induced. We spent all our time with other addicts who told us that we were doing just fine. We automatically cut ourselves off from non-addicts who could point our irrational thinking.

It is worth discussing this subject in some depth because in a short time, addiction makes us forget our past. Non-addicts expect us to snap-out of the patterns of addictive thinking, acting and reacting by just putting down the drugs. They think that we can act as if nothing happened. After all, is that not what recovery is all about? No! It is not! Recovery is learning a new way to live. We do that by facing past and healing, not by avoiding it.

The Program of Narcotics Anonymous teaches us that we have choices. By practicing spiritual principles we arrest insane patterns of self-indulgence and self-gratification. Knowing that using is loosing is not enough. . . we must find a way to live differently. This is why we call it ‘working' the Steps. By working the steps we find that faith coupled with action brings change, hope replaces despair and faith in a power greater than ourselves empowers us to do greater things. We must repeatedly throw ourselves into contact with clean addicts in every conceivable situation. This is how we learn how to go through situations without using. Once into recovery, many of us cannot explain exactly how we have stayed clean. Grace (undeserved favor) is how we got clean in the first place. It enhances our ability to act on faith and trust God to help us.

How many times have we struggled with our obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors only to find ourselves having to surrender one more time? We have accepted our condition as permanent. Symptoms appeared to offer satisfaction only to leave us feeling cheated. We expected positive outcomes in our endeavors but they were never sufficient. Total abstinence, a desire for spiritual growth, and practicing principles will relieve the pain of our addiction. The spirituality acquired by working the steps is necessary if we are to stay clean. We no longer use to change how we feel, we utilize the steps to heal our feelings. Spirituality has the power to do this. An addict believing in a higher power, responsive to his cries for help, is well on his way to recovery. Don't give up five minutes before the miracle, as long as there is life left in us, there is hope for recovery.

[10.23.05] Knoxville Lit

[admin]

CHAPTER THREE
Power Greater than Ourselves

Knoxville NAFG Draft
October 2005

God is in Narcotics Anonymous. Can we talk about it? Can we write about it? For many people talking about God can be a sensitive issue. NA works for people who don’t believe in a supernatural being or are not sure about God. NA also works for people who are deeply religious in the conventional sense. Finally, God seems to work well for all those people whose belief system lies somewhere in between. We see God in the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions of NA. In Step One we find ourselves powerless, we surrender. We admit that we cannot do anything about our problem on our own and we are asking for help. The addicts in that first meeting represent a Power greater than we are. We may get our first exposure to a God that expresses Himself through those addicts. Hope grows in Step Two as we go through the process of coming to believe that this Power greater than ourselves can heal us. In the Third Step, we decide to give our daily lives and our wills over to the care of this God of our understanding.

The faith developed in Step Three gives us the courage we need for Step Four. As we begin the Fifth Step, we invite God to be a part of the process. Step Six finds us prepared to have God remove various aspects of our self-centeredness. Through God's grace, we find willingness and ask God to relieve our shortcomings. God gives us the willingness to take responsibility for our past destruction. In Step Nine, we step out on the faith that God will not put us into a situation that we cannot handle. We pray for help. We move forward, forgive ourselves and offer forgiveness to any others that may have harmed us. Then we ask people we have harmed for the forgiveness that we need. The integrity inherent in Step Ten results from the power of God working in us through the previous Steps. We strive to ever expand our understanding and ongoing connection with God. We pray for knowledge of God's will for us as well as the power that we need to carry it out. Having a spiritual awakening we continue to do God's will in our lives, giving love and service to everyone. We talk and write about God so that we might increase our understanding of the most far-reaching influence on our recovery and indeed our lives.

Some members have expressed concerns about the steps using ‘He’ and ‘Him’ in referring to God. The Tenth Tradition states "Narcotics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the NA name ought never be drawn into public controversy." In this spirit, NA as a fellowship does not have a definition of God; this is up to each of us. We do however follow the conventions of the English language, with some allowance to be sensitive and not alienate someone whose belief is uncertain or non-existent. A personal understanding of God can develop or expand by having open discussions with other NA members. Open-mindedness is an essential key to our recovery. While the world debates over the true definition of God, Narcotics Anonymous does not participate in any public controversy. If we try to identify God with one 'true' definition, our minds close to other possibilities. It is more important to find a higher power that works for you than a Higher Power that other people approve of. Loving, caring, greater than our addiction, and ourselves our Higher Power will do for us what we can't do for ourselves. Despite our individual understanding, members today feel that the God of our understanding as written in the steps should not be a controversial issue rather a mutual identification.

We don't try to convince or convert addicts seeking recovery in NA. We have found that any attempt to force feed religion or spiritual belief just pushes away even very sincere newcomers. We work instead on trying to help a person see where their using has caused their pain. Once this really sinks in, along with the powerlessness experienced and admitted in Step One, the notion of getting some power into their live takes on a very different meaning. It is getting something we need, not buying into a belief system that is a lie or done just to please another person.

People bring their childhood learning into their present with all its strengths and limitations. What we learned as children may have been confused or become confused with time. What ever we think our belief is, we want to check it out thoroughly. Our future life and happiness depend on it. Our belief has to work for us to recover. Our newly found open-mindedness teaches us that we can learn many things from many people. The important thing to know is that each member has the responsibility to find their own understanding of God. Many of us as newcomers found that with the help of our sponsor, we were able to find an image of God, with which we would be comfortable. Anything we can learn from books, people or prayer increases our existence and peace of mind. The more we learn the better. Almost all our pain came from not knowing enough or from believing things that weren't true. We can't afford to base our lives on lies and fantasy.

Many addicts dream about living a spiritual life but are doubtful that they can really achieve it, even with God's help. We discovered that when we set goals that seemed beyond our grasp and asked for God's help, we were lifted up and given the energy and direction to achieve our goals. The doorway to miracles opened. We built on each success, realizing that our experience is just a valid and meaningful as that of any other member. We wish that all addicts could find recovery, even one that expressed a reluctance to embrace a Higher Power. This is because many of us had little or no understanding of God when we first came to the Fellowship of NA. Others feared a Higher Power. Years spent not relating to or believing in a Power greater than ourselves made it difficult to achieve conscious contact with God. Suffering from extreme spiritual indifference, we simply did not see God as a necessity for our recovery. Many of us regarded recovery only as a practical method to retrieve some of the things that we had lost. Being open-minded is important to making progress in our spiritual growth. For some of us struggling with the idea of God, it helped when we thought of a Higher Power as being like a deep underground spring, hidden from view but present nonetheless. The thirst for spiritual fulfillment may be quenched at many wells, all drawn from a common source. It is not necessary for all of us to drink from the same well -- we just don't want our members dying from thirst. If there is any doubt that God exists, we need only to look outside and see the miracles of life. By listening to NA members and observing them staying clean, we see further evidence that something special is working miracles in our lives. Anyone who has attended even a few meetings has met someone who expressed a reluctance to embrace a higher power because of that fire and brimstone God from their childhood. An important aspect of believing in a God who is forgiving in nature is that it enables us to accept who we were, who we are and who we can become.

We may have once demanded that God administer justice to those that harmed us. Nevertheless, when we completed an inventory, detailing the exact nature of our wrongs, most of us realized that we would be far better off with a Higher Power who was both just and forgiving. Open-mindedness is important here. The higher power is like a deep underground mine hidden from view but present and felt nonetheless. No single key unlocks every door. Some of us came into Narcotics Anonymous wearing a religion like a mask, trying to avoid personal responsibility for our past and for our recovery. In time we learned that God would only do for us what God could do through us. It is during this realization that many change their understanding of God from a religious perception to a more spiritual relationship. It is only important to us that you find the key that works for you. Only if you are successful in doing this will you find the power to recover.

Selfless service is an expression of our gratitude for the care of God. NA is a spiritual not religious program. NA doesn't endorse any particular system of faith or worship of a specific Supreme Being or God. Nor, does NA endorse specific rituals of worship. We understand spirituality as the vital principal alive in each of us. It's an inspiring and encouraging influence in our program and in our lives.

As we recover, we become aware that our lives are reflections of our relationship with God. Instead of trying to know all the answers about God, most of us have found it useful to concentrate our energy into seeking the knowledge of what God's will is for us, and trying to live our lives accordingly. We realize that we need beliefs in order to follow a spiritual path, but we also need to be open-minded enough to receive God's wisdom. We cannot afford to forget that we receive our freedom and well being from our Higher Power. Spirituality is not based on social acceptance, material wealth or physical appearance but rather on a personal and intimate relationship with the God of our understanding. Our lives are reflections of our relationship with God.

Sometimes we feel that our pain is so great that even our Higher Power cannot relieve it. If we believe in a God that cannot handle every aspect of our lives, we may find ourselves frozen in fear, waiting to react to the next crisis. We can't afford to base our lives on bad information and fantasy. Many of us tried to fix ourselves, only to learn that we needed outside help. It is important for us to realize that we are not recovering alone. We came to accept help from the spiritual principles as part of our recovery process. An understanding of a Higher Power begins to give us an understanding of our own worth. Our faith grows stronger as we uncover the many ways God helps us when there is no one else we can turn to. Other members shared with us that God could be found anywhere, at any time. This Higher Power can be detected in home group members, in a Spiritual Being or anywhere in between. Many of us discover the ways God helped us when there was no one else there to take our side in things. It is often heard in NA meetings that a common prayer for newcomers is, "God, just help me to stay clean for today." Prayer after prayer, day after day, our proof that a Higher Power exists comes as we make it through those days clean. In time, we learn to use prayer and meditations not only to find comfort, but to actually guide us through our lives.

The feeling of being able to access help from a timeless, loving source lifts us and gives us the energy we need to live. Any belief in a loving God seems to work for us. While individual beliefs may vary in particulars, certain generalities hold true. Living the program is our attempt to become more God-centered and less self-centered. We have learned that God truly loves us and will never abandon us. Our feelings and perspective about these things changes with time. Don't be in too big a hurry. What a 'freeing feeling' it is to know that we no longer have to be in charge.

As we grow and mature in our recovery, we realize what those members meant when they talked about being "God-centered." It is an internal feeling that no matter what is going on around us, everything is going to be all right. It may begin during our prayer and meditation, but we can carry this spiritual connection with us throughout our day. If self-centeredness is truly the core of our disease, then God-centeredness is the core of our recovery. Writing our moral inventory, we rely on God's guidance for the courage to be fearless and the wisdom to know right from wrong. Sharing the exact nature of our wrongs, we trust God to see us through the rough spots and we trust God to work through the other human being so that their role too, is a spiritual one. We practice the faith acquired in the previous Steps to help us become willing to have God remove our defects of character. We realize that we have been cared for all along and that our lives will be even more enriched when we let go of the defects that are holding us back.

The Seventh Step places God's role in direct conflict with our egos. As we humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings, we are again saying, "We can't do this alone." Our disease may reel in rebellion, but we need only hold steady to our course. As we make a list of persons we had harmed, we try to look at each of them in the light of God's love. If we were expressing only unconditional love, how would we have treated each of them differently? Forgiveness is a spiritual principle. Whether we are asking to be forgiven or extending forgiveness, we can experience God's presence. We continue to allow God to be our guide by evaluating our actions and correcting our mistakes as they occur.

God plays an integral part in each of these steps, but so do we. Without our willingness, there will be very little spiritual progress. Being open to gaining or improving our belief is one thing anyone can do, even experimentally. The basic idea that help is available from an unseen source can help us get this spiritual connection. By whatever means, the luck and increased capacity to go forward in life without fear shows that some basic human need has been met. Ego-based thinking and living are one of the biggest enemies of the addict in recovery. Our egos tell us that no matter how much we have or hope for, it's not enough. All our character defects are manifestations of our egos. We need to set our egos aside and allow God to become the healing force responsible for our recovery.

One addict shares: "Ego creates the illusion that God is not with me. Sometimes I feel separated from God, and I feel alone. I realize that this separation is not possible. If God has pure love and cares for me, then it is impossible for God to be away from me - He just won't do it! This feeling of being disconnected is another lie my disease tries to use on me in ‘its primary purpose - my destruction.’"

We have often seen God working through other people. Many of us have been at meetings when it was easy to recognize God's presence in the rooms. The atmosphere of recovery was in the air. We shared what we needed to share and heard what we needed to hear. This is an example of God in action. While some may feel the necessity to be ‘true to their faith’ and find it uncomfortable to imagine that there may be several ways a person may gain access to God, many of us find this wonderful. How magnificent and loving of God to be endlessly available to all who seek, whatever path they may take.

Through working our steps, and applying our Traditions, our beliefs evolve. From the simplicity of a ‘power greater than ourselves’ to a Higher Power concept, we eventually come to a better understanding of ‘God as we understand Him.’ By having a "God of our understanding" members are free to conceive that "God" may be a man, woman, spirit, etc. or even a light bulb or doorknob. Some members will be offended with whatever we define as God, but this is one of our greatest freedoms in NA - to develop OUR own understanding of what God is. With this freedom, comes our right for a personal definition to change over as we grow in recovery. Many if not all of us had to be clean and in the meetings for some time to realize that the Steps lead us into the care of the God of our understanding. This very simple way of expressing the feeling we have towards our spiritual sources is very important to us. We do not turn our lives and wills over to the tyranny of God or the dictatorship of God, just to the care.

Narcotics Anonymous Steps and other NA literature stress the importance of developing a reliance on the God of our understanding. Our Second Step assumes that we already believe in something when it says, "We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." Any belief in a loving God seems to work. While individual beliefs may differ, certain fundamental principles hold true. The foundation of our belief is that help is available. Being open to change is a belief we all share. By whatever means, the capacity to go forward in life without fear shows that our faith in a Higher Power is real.

Atheism

NA includes addicts who come from many backgrounds and who have a broad range of spiritual beliefs. Because of the special nature of our spirituality, we even include those who have no certain beliefs. Our goal in this chapter is to assure our members that our freedom to believe or disbelieve is real. What is an atheist? One definition of an atheist is: a person who does not believe there is a God. There are at least two types of atheists - Religious and Rational. Atheists live in the realm of the tangible world. The Religious Atheist observes a religious culture, which does not recognize any form of God. The Rational atheist also does not recognize any form of God. However, the Rational atheist does not necessarily identify a religious perspective as a reason for atheism. We may live and attend NA meetings in the Western Hemisphere or the Eastern Hemisphere which have totally diverse beliefs. We may be members of a scientific or intellectual culture or we may be members of any human culture or profession. Atheism is the right to believe a spiritual program of our choosing rather than a specific form or style. We need to dissolve the stigma of atheism. An atheist in recovery lives by the spiritual principles of the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. We embrace life. No matter where we live or what our background is, if we are addicts we do not have to choose between our religion and our recovery. We can have both.

One devoted NA atheist shares: "A theist believes in a supernatural being or forces. More than just acknowledging atheists in NA, many members respect and agree with us on many points. We atheists have trouble believing in the intangible. We need to hear, touch or taste to satisfy their feelings about surrender. Many of us can surrender to NA or the spirit of NA when we can't surrender to supernatural concepts in good faith. We can tangibly feel NA.

"We atheists, like other recovering addicts, exercise our absolute freedom to develop our spiritual beliefs without interference. When it comes to recovery, the NA atheist follows a purely spiritual path. While we do not pray to a supernatural being, most of us meditate on a daily basis. Often times, an NA atheist has an in-depth experience with meditation. Meditation helps us work the Twelve Steps where we find it impossible to use prayer. We accept the spiritual part of the disease of addiction: our total self-centeredness. The Step that guarantees this freedom is Step Three with the appearance of the phrase of our understanding. The idea behind these words is what makes the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous program spiritual and not religious. Atheists develop their belief around what works for them. This should not offend those members that believe in a God of their understanding. The recovery and life of an addict is at stake.

"There are many ways for the atheist to translate theistic phrases in the Twelve Steps into their spiritual equivalent. This gives personally relevant language to express the concepts of NA. Many of us debate using a sponsor who is not an atheist. We wonder if we should sponsor an addict who is not an atheist. Some of us wonder what we will say when we are asked to open or close a meeting? For the sponsor or sponsee situation where one is an atheist and for situations of NA literature of a theistic nature, we celebrate our diversity, for it reminds us we all have different ways of working for the same thing. Some things cannot be easily said, yet they must be learned, loved and passed to others. When we say them, we say them imperfectly and hope we are understood. If we are understood, we will have shared meanings, but only exchanged words. It is in the sharing that the healing and the growing can begin to take place. We know that the meaning of a Step is not in the words, it is behind them. So, we do not become overly attached to words over principles. Words carry us to principles like a boat carries us to harbor.

"Although atheists are a minority group within NA, they work the Twelve Steps, stay clean and grow spiritually. Their definitions may be different from that of other members. It is OK that they are not a majority. Together with all NA members, we celebrate the principles that allow us to carry our simple message to so many different types of addicts. Although we realize that we atheists are a minority group within NA, we know the danger of feeling unique. Most of us have experienced feeling left out because of our beliefs. Some theists in NA try to convert us to their belief. This presumption can kill us if we are not aware of our basic freedom to a belief that works for us. We overcome the feeling of being an outsider by sharing our belief with our fellow NA members. We try to be considerate of others and hope they will be considerate to us. Sometimes atheists are not respected by other members in NA. This cannot be helped in many cases. We try to maximize our gratitude for those who show us love and understanding. We know we are not alone. There is a deeper language of the heart, which is often hidden by words. We speak this language. It is the path of the heart. We follow it to our true self, for there we will find others. No one is alone in NA."

It is interesting to consider how an atheist works their 12 Steps, particularly those that have reference to a loving God. Until now, the NA atheist has not had literature to read of a non-theistic nature. Atheists had to cope with theistic literature. This was not a new situation and we tried to understand. Now, like all members, we know we are free to follow a belief that works for us. Literature that can be embraced by the NA atheist is valid if it helps addicts. How can atheists work the Twelve Steps where a Step mentions - and seems to require - belief in God? The NA atheist works Steps Two, Three, Five, Six, Seven and Eleven, by using their minds to find a solution. While this may put the NA atheist to some trouble, the need for recovery and a new life is strong motivation.

Understanding Steps Two and Three from the viewpoint of an atheist, recovering in NA, may help serve as a guide to the other Steps. A person who is uncertain of their belief has to work to understand the Steps, even if they believe in a supernatural God. It may be of interest for people who believe in God to look at how others work their Steps. It is hoped that this open-mindedness will not be too offensive to someone with a strong belief in God. We all have to let down our guards a bit and look into the lives of others.

One atheist member shared on Step Two: We came to believe that the NA program could restore us to sanity. "Most atheists recognize early in recovery that we could stay clean in NA regardless of our beliefs. Part of the NA Traditions guarantee atheists membership based on our desire to stop using. We are not expected or required to endorse or adopt any creed or religion. We experienced the insanity of addiction in our lives and came to believe that the NA Program could restore us to sanity. As newer members, we carefully watched the recovering addicts who greeted us and freely shared their experiences in recovery. We could see and feel their spiritual awakening long before we understood it. Eventually, we developed trust in the NA program and the willingness to share openly with other members. Our belief that the NA program could restore us to sanity did not come naturally. We watched and listened at meetings until we came to believe. Many of us participated in group service, making coffee or cleaning up, until we were able to surrender to this step.

"After we came to believe, we took a look at Step Three: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the loving NA Fellowship. We learned in Step Two to trust the NA Program and Fellowship. This trust took time to develop, and may contribute to our belief that the NA program could restore us to sanity. Through sponsorship and listening in meetings, we learn that Step Three is an action Step. In Step Three, we make a decision, which represents a turning point in our lives. We now understand why an addict alone is in bad company. Our understanding of the NA message of recovery helps us in our daily lives. We see proof that NA works through the improvements in the quality of our lives. These experiences make it easier to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the NA fellowship. We no longer want to be alone.

"Often we are asked how we work Step Three if we are atheists. The answer is that we look to the spiritual or recovery principle behind the words and we practice it. We may find ourselves in a position to ask, 'What is the function of this Step in my recovery? What principle does it emphasize? What are the possible mechanisms by which it works?' We attend many meetings and listen closely when addicts share their experiences with this Step. We may determine the function of Step Three as alleviating undue, unnecessary or unreasonable anxiety that is hindering positive action, so that we may do the next right thing. To us the principle involved may be willingness. The mechanism by which this occurs for those who believe in God is the decision that transforms them from one emotional or mental state to another. This decision to turn it over to the care of a personal God, conscious entity, supernatural being, or other unspecified loving force might be the mechanism by which this transformation occurs.

"With the renewed emotional or mental state, positive action or the next right thing is enacted by the addict. If a transforming experience occurs, that is to say, if the addict feels a measure of relief and perhaps even a sense that all will be well, but fails to take the action which originally generated the fear, that addict has not completed Step Three. Step Three is an action step. We know that the theist NA member lets go of fear and anxiety in this step and the atheists can do it too. It appears to be the letting go which results in relief. This is not necessarily the letting go to a deity. With repeated effort, a spiritual transformation begins for all addicts. This change occurs in the deepest levels of our being. As atheists, we simply ascribe these changes to our application of recovery principles rather than as evidence a supernatural force has been working in our lives. We too, act on our changed emotional or mental state and we do the next right thing. This is the second part of Step Three. We take positive action. Although we do not turn it over to a God of our understanding, many of us describe turning it over in ways which are non-theistic. Some atheists make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a spiritual concept we know from our non-theistic religion. Other atheists make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Reasonable Action. Some atheists may make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of NA. A sense of connectedness with humanity results from the Third Step."

Meditation

There is no NA approved way to meditate only a suggestion that we do so. An example of meditation could be as simple as actively listening during meetings. If we are doing just one thing to the exclusion of everything else, we are allowing God to enter our thoughts and feelings. Meditation is the opposite of multi-tasking. It allows us to eliminate the complexity of life. If we are listening carefully, we can hear God through the sharing of others. Solutions to our problems become apparent. Meditation can be achieved by practicing any number of spiritual disciplines. We can use imaging techniques while listening to audiotapes, we can chant, we may practice breathing techniques or we can just become quiet. Meditation is the exploration of our inner world. Meditation enables us to envision and explore possible outcomes before we attempt to go through them in reality. In the stillness of meditation, we establish conscious contact with God.

Many NA members practice several forms of meditation in an effort to introduce variety into their spiritual journey. Others prefer a tried and true method that they have become accustomed to using. Regardless of how or where we practice meditation, some universal principles seem to be evident. Regular practice improves the quality of our conscious contact. Like physical exercise, spiritual exercise is most beneficial if performed on a habitual, continuous basis. The longer we stay at it, the better it gets. It is also important to avoid outside distractions and allow the mind to quiet itself. Most forms of meditation encourage deep, even breathing as a way to stay relaxed. As we clear our minds of busy thoughts, become aware of our breathing and relax our bodies we focus on our Higher Power. Breathing changes the ph of our blood and this affects our minds. Oxygen replaces carbon monoxide. Before long, we enter a relaxed state that is like sleep, but one in which we are awake and our senses are sharp and clear. We may visualize different people and situations with remarkable clarity. We may become aware of a loving force, present within us, so powerful that we experience an emotion of great joy and happiness. Perhaps our experience is one of a deep and abiding peace; serenity at its finest. Whatever our experience may be, conscious contact with the God of our understanding through the Eleventh Step helps us understand life and what is going on in the lives of people around us.

If we have a committee in our head, we must purge ourselves in the earlier steps (before Step Eleven) of the feeling of shame, remorse and guilt. Without the first ten Steps, we will naturally feel self-loathing, negative thinking, and feelings of impending doom. These come from disbelief, character defects and the inability to admit fault. We must gain a positive attitude and begin to allow only positive thoughts as the cravings leave us and the negative voices cease. We are now open to hear the quiet voice of the God within. We feel better about who we are. As we change and grow, make amends, forgive ourselves, and others, we eliminate many negative feelings. We may experience the pure energy of God and we feel open to receive. We have cleared the garbage to receive the gifts.

Because there are so many different disciplines and methods used to meditate, it would be impossible for us to list them all even if we were to try. Furthermore, an endorsement of any one of these disciplines would be a violation of our traditions. Consequently, NA members have been left with few choices in learning how to meditate. We could seek the informal advice of other members, search outside the fellowship for teachers who could help us, or begin a self-correcting program of our own. No matter how we choose to meditate, our goals, as defined in the Eleventh Step are the same, to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him. An analogy could be described as follows: A group of people wanted to travel to a destination a hundred miles away. Some walked, some rode bicycles, some drove cars, and some flew an airplane. The ones who flew argued that they got there faster. The ones who drove argued that they arrived sooner than everyone except the air travelers, but they had transportation after they arrived. The group who walked and rode bicycles argued that not only did they get where they wanted to go, they got some exercise along the way. Each method of travel had its advantages and each had its drawbacks. What is important to remember is that they could all take us where we want to go. So it is with meditation.

We must still our thoughts. Prayer is talking to God; meditation is listening to God's answer. The answer may not come immediately but if our minds are clear of worry and dread, we will hear the answer. Sometimes this answer will come through other people or just pop into our heads. We must be open in our minds and our hearts after surrendering our own ideas. If we stubbornly hold on to our outcome and direct the show, we run the risk of missing God's will for us. As we meditate we let thoughts pop into and leave our minds freely, we do not dwell on the thoughts but let them flow through so new ideas may enter. We must be calm and focus on our breathing in and out. Be mindless and still. This is our inner spirituality of feeling okay inside. We are calm in the midst of our storm. We focus on the Spirit within. We are still with our God-pureness and for once, we are at peace.

No one can tell us what God's specific will for us is. We can only find this for ourselves in prayer and meditation. God's will is for the best. No matter what happens there is always the opportunity for good to occur out of it. We need only look for the guidance to choose the right action. God's will is never for us to suffer. Our Higher Power does not test us. A loving God does not send bad things to us. Because of our free will, the free will of others and even random events, unfortunate things may happen. The beauty of God's Will is that no matter what happens, good can come of it - if we remain open to His guidance. Things look differently when we are looking back on them.

Through the Eleventh Step process, we usually discover that God's will for us has something to do with giving unconditional love to others. After coming to believe in a Power greater than ourselves, we were able to see that God is unlimited. Through the process of working steps, we discovered that God had been with us all along. A profound spiritual change occurred when we recognized that God cares for us and will help us in our daily lives. The most significant aspect of this change is that our fears have been replaced by faith.

As one addict shared: "Not realizing how close God was, I always looked for Him outside of myself. Through working the steps, God's presence was revealed to me. All my life, I carried a special feeling, never really knowing what it was. As I became more in touch with that special feeling, the desire to change grew stronger. I found that God lives within me and it is the same God who I came to understand through working the Steps."

Meditation can be the exploration of our inner world. A member showed up at a meeting shaken by a seminar that took him back to a childhood incident he had forgotten. The emotions triggered by the experience were painful for him. In processing all this emotion, he discovered that maybe he can use meditation to sit, envision, react, contemplate, choose to change or remain the same. Similarly, we can evaluate our reactions and explore possible futures, if we are clear enough spiritually. How efficient to be able to explore these things mentally and spiritually rather than go through them in reality. Spiritual growth is the primary ways we make up for lost time and gain the inner strength and resources our addiction robbed from us. The more we allow God to be a part of our lives, the more we are fulfilled. Many of us spent years looking in vain for someone or something to fill our emptiness. We can allow the God of our understanding to flow in and fill this void. The more we attend to our inner spiritual needs, the less we seek outside gratification. With perseverance and hope, we continue down the road of change, seeking a better way to live. We learn how to get out of the way. Making good decisions becomes easier when our thinking is not clouded with old ideas and inaccurate information. The decision making process becomes easier when we open our minds to our sponsors, prayer, meditation, sharing at meetings and a loving God.

Prayer

While it is difficult to know who or what God is, most of us can identify with a variety of feelings such as loving, caring, comforting and forgiving, challenging and even painful when describing our conscious contact with our Higher Power. Prayer helps us do this. For many of us, this feeling of being cared for did not come to us the minute we walked into our first NA meeting. In fact, those members who come in with a lot of old baggage and predisposition about God often have the toughest time rethinking their belief. God can be found in many places. It is important to realize that recovery does not happen alone. We had to be able to accept help from a higher power before recovery could begin. Our knowledge of God grows. NA gives us the freedom to believe in any higher power we choose as long as we realize we can not do it alone. Some members remark that there is a different conscious contact with their Higher Power through meditation than when they pray.

As one addict shared: "Prayer helps me to feel like I am talking to a loving parent who wants only the best for me. Meditation on the other hand puts me in touch with the presence and power of God. I would not want to trade one for the other and the Eleventh Step tells me that I need both."

When we say the Serenity Prayer, we are inviting God into our lives. We ask God to grant us the state of mind in which we accept that there is a reason for everything that happens in life. We begin to realize that everything is exactly as it should be just for today and that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. We can reach a point where we become able to align our will with God's will, releasing our regrets of the past and our fears of the future. We have faith that a loving God is caring for us right now. Continuing with the Serenity Prayer, we ask God for the courage to change the things we can. Many of us came into recovery drowning in fears. Courage is that quality that God can give us to walk through our fear and come out the other side. Fear is replaced with faith as our conscious contact improves. Last, we ask God to grant us wisdom, the wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change. A result of improving our conscious contact with God is newly found wisdom. Not only do we acquire the wisdom to know what we can change and what we cannot, but we are able to apply the best ways to bring about change. We are able to learn from the mistakes of others as well as our own errors of the past. Through the guidance we receive while working our Eleventh Step, we find that most of our problems are reduced to a workable size and the solutions to them are readily available.

Belief

Belief is the key to effective prayer. It is impossible for us to quantify or qualify anything spiritual. We use so many things in our lives that we do not comprehend. We have faith in so many phenomena that are natural like electricity. Why is it we are unable to extend this faith to entities that are supernatural? Is it fear or ignorance? On the other hand, is it an unwillingness to change, to admit that we were wrong for so long, that a higher power exists in our lives? Does denial still abound? Belief in a Power greater than ourselves is developed through our own free will and cannot be taken from us without our cooperation. We have the freedom to believe as we choose. In fact, a suggestion in the Basic Text is that we choose a Power that is both loving and caring. We have suffered enough before coming to the program. Most of us do not need the added guilt of a punishing, unforgiving God. It needs to be stated clearly though, that even the choice of a punishing God or a loving one is ours to make. We have found that we, not others, have to find a Higher Power that works for us.

Those NA members who have surrendered to a power greater than themselves have an awesome weapon to fight the disease of addiction. Our disease is based in fear, the opposite of God's love. Our disease tells us we do not have enough, yet spiritual abundance is ours for the asking. Our disease pushes us to isolate and mistrust others, but with our lives in the care of God as we understand Him, we can move forward fearlessly knowing that there is no challenge that we have to face alone. God will move mountains, but we have to bring our shovels. Writing our moral inventory, we rely on God's guidance for the courage to be fearless and the wisdom to know right from wrong.

We are spiritual, moral beings. Our self-destructiveness is evidence of this. In the past, we felt badly about the way we were living and judged ourselves to be unworthy of good things in our lives. Our moral inventory process makes it possible to sort out what has happened to us. God will not make us write an inventory, nor will he make us share it with anyone else. Sharing the exact nature of our wrongs in our Fifth Step, we trust God to see us through the rough spots and to work through another human being. God can help us and ease our pain if we make the choice to do these things. We practice the faith acquired in the previous steps to help us become willing to have God remove our defects of character.

We realize that we have been cared for all along and that our lives will be even more enriched when we let go of these defects that are holding us back. He cannot make us willing to have our defects removed. He sometimes gives us opportunities to bring about the awareness of the pain that comes from acting out on our defects. When the pain gets great enough, we become willing to make the change. As we humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings, we are again saying, "We can't do this alone." This places God's role in direct conflict with our egos. Our disease may reel in rebellion, but we need only hold steady to our course. Asking God for guidance and expecting an immediate answer will not produce results, because God does not wear a wristwatch. God will not make our amends list for us. We have to sit down with pen, paper and willingness. As we make our list of persons we had harmed, we try to look at each of them in the light of God's love. If we were expressing only unconditional love, how would we have treated each of them differently? Forgiveness is a spiritual principle. Whether we are asking to be forgiven or extending forgiveness, we can experience God's presence. It is our responsibility to do the footwork of humbling ourselves to making the amends. We placed our faith in God to face these people.

We pray for the love, care and forgiveness that we need in order to make our amends. We need to know that God loves, cares for, and forgives so that we can love, care for, and forgive ourselves in our Fifth Step. Then the reaction from the ones we are making amends to is not as important. We continue to allow God to be our guide by evaluating our actions and correcting our mistakes as they occur. As we recover, we find that God's will for us is to learn and grow from these mistakes.

We found that God does not serve breakfast in bed. Once awareness occurs, action must follow or the un-manageability returns. Believing that God will deliver when we are ready becomes the old way of thinking. There seems to be a wide range of sledgehammers needed to breach our closed minds. We have certainly learned that God can and will deliver when we seek the power and knowledge of his will. Only through consultation can God work His miracles. Pursuit allows the appearance of God's will in our lives. We arrive at the next open door by doing the footwork. God's power arrives sometimes only by awareness of repetition and by amplification of His will for us. We have certainly learned that God can and will deliver when we seek the power and knowledge of His will.

Coming to terms with our disease, discovering a Higher Power we can trust with our lives, letting go of our defects and developing our ability to admit fault, we become much more than we were to begin with. Developing our character, growing spiritually and becoming a force for goodness in terms we can appreciate and understand makes us spiritual beings. Aware of our humble origins, we make jokes about sainthood and becoming gurus. If we are really used as instruments of a loving, all-powerful God, how exactly would you put that into words? Perhaps that is the origin of our being called the Fellowship of the Spirit.

Many forms of belief exist when we contemplate what human beings believe in around the world and throughout time. Some reverence just the spirit. They scorn the fleshly concerns of the material world. Others concentrate on form and outward observance without emphasis on the spiritual state of mind and being. Surely the answer is somewhere in the middle. But to satisfy language, it is helpful to think of the spirit of caring and sharing that attracted most of us to the Fellowship in the first place. Much of our way of life amounts to catching a Spirit in our meetings. Something in the Spirit of our involvement with other members calms us. We feel free and this allows us to go to work becoming better people. We all start out with our imperfections and we all work towards something better. This is the Spirit we try to invoke when we are carrying our NA message. While surely all that we call The Fellowship and The Program started as a dream, there is a lot of evidence to indicate the power and force of our love. The great thing is that we all are an indispensable part of the miracle. NA just wouldn't be the same without you and you and you.

Narcotics Anonymous is a spiritual program. As our minds opened to an understanding of God, we found that we experienced spiritual growth on many different levels. We went from hopeless to hopeful. Witnessing the miracles of recovery happening around us, our faith grew. Faith inspires us to apply principles such as love, generosity and forgiveness to our everyday affairs. It also calms our fears and insecurities. We relied on the God of our understanding for courage and we trusted Him with our well-being. We resolved the fearful, ugly issues of the past through the limitless strength of a loving God. As our conscious contact grew, we found less conflict and more peace. We came to see a grand vision as God's will was revealed to us. Doing God's will for us becomes our personal mission in life. We were cared for and guided in our daily actions. Our will was aligned with God's. Old fears flowed away in a flood of unconditional love. We stand in the forefront of the Fellowship, practicing principles and making ourselves available for those yet to come. We overcome each new challenge as God provides us with more than we need. Grateful that we are never alone, we step forth to give service and love in all that we do.

We know that there is something loving, kind yet forceful and capable of giving us what we need. In this Spirit, we can do what used to be impossible: stay clean on a daily basis. Long after initial recovery, we are empowered to renew our recovery each day. Furthermore, we are able to carry our message of hope and recovery to other addicts. Each addict seeking recovery in NA is able, with only the support of a few other local members, to start a new recovery meeting. There are incredible pitfalls along the way that will occur if we fail to respect and apply the NA Twelve Traditions. Anytime we avoid or choose to ignore the principles behind the Traditions, we will fall short of our goals. Almost by definition, we will not be able to see the error of our ways until later as a result of our actions. Fortunately, amends can cancel out most of our mistakes. The biggest mistake is to forget that our health and recovery come from our surrender and openness to the Spirit of Recovery. When we forget that truth, we stop getting the help we need. A problem with our attitude can kill us. We have to ask for help to be open to get help.

Knowing about the Fellowship of the Spirit has helped some members see the deeper truths of anonymous recovery. We are all one in the Spirit and identification of this great fact frees us from the need to correct others. We can bide our time and avoid wasting time in useless worry. Time and a natural God-given sincerity will often take care of things. There is a great unity among our hearts to have so many members without anyone having to force them to conform. This is most fortunate because the nature of most addicts is such that they would immediately rebel. Addicts resist efforts to impose the belief of others on them. By trusting to the sincerity of their desire for recovery, all is made simple. This works for an incredible variety of people with all kinds of living problems. One thing we know, we are all blessed.

[10.23.05]

[admin]

CHAPTER FOUR
SPIRITUALLY CLEAN

Draper NAFG Draft Edit
September 2005

It is human nature to identify strongly with what we do, how we feel or the way we do things. Society-at-large reinforces the belief that these attributes when taken together make-up our personality. Nothing much is explained about how we could change those parts that have a consistently negative function, as well as those that have little or no use. We developed many of these ideas and attitudes in response to things that happened while we were using. Changing these things may make us feel like we have lost something. We may even experience a period of disorientation. We have to learn that changing things that are hurting us is change for the better. We change for our happiness and in the end, we suffer no actual loss at all! We learn to pay attention to the feelings that tell us when something is wrong or hurting us. Our addiction may make us think that we are experiencing relief when we ignore our instincts but in reality, whatever is hurting us just goes on to do more damage. It is quite healthy, not defective, to experience pain and discomfort when something is not right! We don't 'take something,' we change something in our lives that is producing the pain and discomfort. One dictionary definition of clean is "no interior flaws visible." We don't want to interrupt the recovery process by taking something.

Pain and discomfort are signals that our internal guidance systems are working and will not stop until we correct the situation. We addicts require extra help with admitting fault, gaining a belief system, and evaluating what is happening. Once these concepts become realities for us, we can begin to adjust to the accurate perceptions that we gain. We find that whether we are mad, glad or sad, we can see the sources for these feelings based in reality. Inventory is how we catch ourselves before we make the next big mistake.

We stay clean even when our diseased feelings tell us to die. We survive all of the emotions that go along with personality change. Many of us have felt such immense and dangerous pain that we cannot imagine our lives ever getting better. We have gained an advantage by differentiating ourselves from the way we are when we are using from when we are clean. After we get clean from drugs, we can now begin to get clean in other ways. We remove anything that holds us back unreasonably or that makes us feel dirty and unworthy. We do not have to feel dirty, we are clean. We have learned that it is okay to back out of a bad deal or situation and that it doesn't make us a quitter. Because of our backgrounds, we may not realize that we're repeating past mistakes until the situation gets bad. We learn to recognize the actions and patterns that have brought us pain in the past. We may not believe it yet but it is perfectly all right to say, "Hey! Wait a minute. I gotta be somewhere else." We can then leave, walk, run, or go away. If our partners in the drama choose to go on without us, so be it. If they put us down or laugh at us later - so what? We stayed clean.

The concept of being clean is not restricted to 'not using.' Being clean is a state of mind. It is a conscious choice. It is about keeping our spirits clean as well as not doing drugs in one form or another. When we have these two things in place, the rest follows. We can undertake being clean in order to explore our new lives fully. Cleansing our bodies, environments, habit patterns, and removing what is not a part of us, allows us to see that what remains is often better than we expected. Being clean is becoming new again. Clean is removing the accumulated dirt that is a natural part of life. One difficulty we face is that a relapse can undermine our willingness to the point that the fear of going all the way to the bottom again can make staying clean seem to be difficult or impossible. We keep returning to the power of surrender that we found in our initial recovery and we get results. If we find it hard to turn to that power, we talk about it at meetings and with supporters of our recovery. One sure sign of eventual relapse is being critical and uncharitable of others who are hurting. Our identification with other members insures that our real unkindness is directed at fears within our own being.

When we take a closer look at our lives, we find some of the things that we thought we had lost forever. Courage dispels cowardice. Honesty replaces living in fear. It would not be loving for God to make us want things that we can not have. We can play around with this but the reality is that all forms of self-improvement are possible if we only take the time and make the effort. Most things are available to us if we only have gratitude, pay the price, and take care of them. Our relationships improve when we give freely and fall apart when we just take. We have an internal witness called conscience that keeps track of these things. We can not really lose these potentials or abilities but we do forget where we put them at times. Our addiction then makes it hard to find them even when they are nearby. Being clean means being able to maintain the focus of our attention and act consistently with our values. Being clean allows us to act in ways that make sense to us and those around us.

When we have relationships and inflict no harm, we continue our journey in peace. We learn how to live without creating debt. We use spiritual principles to eliminate distractions and character defects. We gain these abilities through application of mind, body and spirit. Recovery allows us to get to a desired reality or to draw objectives to us. And now, having fun is possible for us.

Our addiction tells us that our character defects are just pleasant or whimsical likes and dislikes that only lend color and variety to our life. It leads us to believe that they are only personal touches that may be strange or mildly irritating but certainly not harmful. We continue this delusion even when getting clean. Our disease tells us that those who complain about these irritating aspects of our personalities are not our friends or that they do not love us. If we have experienced more good results than negative behind these characteristics and are pleased with them, we ask, "Why should I change?" Why would we even consider it? However, if we are not happy, totally happy, we may view change as a way to get out of a trap or a series of traps. If we have hurt, suffered, failed, and adapted to a life of pain or felt lost and beyond hope, it might just be time to revise the way we live.

By discarding the ideas, habits, and ways that helped us get by in the past, we can take time to re-examine ourselves and begin to move in other directions. If we have feelings or thoughts that disturb our peace of mind, we now have several ways to deal with them effectively. We write it down, talk about it, listen to others, study the recovery literature, pray, meditate, inventory, make amends and get with our sponsors to resolve the problem. We surrender, develop new beliefs, admit our faults and make amends. Then we seek through prayer and meditation to find the strength and guidance that we need. The objective of learning and using spiritual principles is to eliminate suffering. Being clean means freedom from having to do things that we do not like - for people we do not like - for reasons we do not agree with - for rewards that are meaningless, distasteful or dangerous to our safety and well-being. Instead of only having rough edges, many of us wear our character defects like protective spikes or thorns. We get clean by wearing these spikes down to the point where we can hug someone without them screaming in pain.

Then as if from 'outer space' we hear the voice of hope from within. We remember that life will get better if we continue to work the Steps. We know from our collective experience that it is okay to simply hang-on to abstinence until the crisis passes and we regain the will to live. We alter, correct, rework and amend to make reality better in thousands of ways. If the source of a problem is in a poor or incorrect understanding, we study in order to become more informed. If we determine that action is required, we act. If the source of difficulty is with another person, we start by discussing matters with our sponsor and friends or we go directly to the other person. Even when no resolution seems possible, we learn something from each experience that we come through clean. If the source for a conflict originates from a place, event, or circumstance, we need to sit quietly, review what happened, decide what we would have preferred, and what, if anything, we can do about it now. If we were distracted or overwhelmed, we need re-affirm our commitment to staying clean and push ourselves to resume the course of action that best provides success in accomplishing our concept of doing the right thing. Whether we can do this, months or even years later is unknown but we must be willing to continue the effort. Clean gives us the strength and determination to keep trying to improve ourselves, no matter what!

When we find a way to raise our spirits through practicing spiritual principles, helping others and freeing ourselves from the chains of active addiction, we are growing spiritually. As we grow in recovery, we find our standards changing. There are things that used to cause problems in our lives that never come up now. There are things that were impossible for us that have become easy in our new lives.

Diversity is fine as long as we do not get lost in it. In freedom from active addiction and distraction, we study the puzzle of life. We penetrate the maze until it becomes a plain path to us. Very important to the kind of spirituality that can help us is to constantly bear in mind that God, not us, works the miracles. If we were to identify with the divinity that works the miracles, we would feel and appear very powerful. This would be a lie. Such dishonesty would confuse people and they would look to us for the answers rather than follow our example and look to their own spiritual condition. We share what comes to us individually and find a commonality that will work for us.

We can not live clean without an increased recognition of and alignment with the truth. In other words, increased capacity means increased responsibility. The more we can do, the more we will do. This is important because many of us have tried to get the benefits of recovery without the willingness to do our part later on. Others have found out what it is like to try to help someone who does not want help and will not allow us to help them. If we see a problem, and do not do our part to resolve it, we will find our powers falling away.

When does doing the right thing for the right reason make the transition from a practical way to avoid pain to being the result of a spiritual awakening? Do we necessarily need to look back to realize progress? Is not hope a re-evaluation of facts and faith a new evaluation of life to come?

Many of us were confused by religious standards. The religions may be fine but usually our perceptions twisted what was workable spirituality for many into an unworkable pattern for ourselves. Many of us were agnostic when we got to NA. We claimed spiritual bankruptcy, disregarding our inner spiritual standards. We felt guilt and remorse from harming others and ourselves. Often emptiness, despair and general disinterest in our future was one way to deal with the denial in our lives. The self-centeredness of our disease constantly told us to fear being judged. Often emptiness, despair and general disinterest in our future was one way to deal with the denial in our lives.

Regardless of how we felt about standards established in our childhood, those values may have been the origin of our taking a path of slow execution. We could not see our disapproval as evidence that forces beyond our control created many of the situations in which we found ourselves, though we hated who we were and what we were doing. Only by changing, can we escape the terrible course on which we set ourselves. When we get clean and stay clean a short time, we begin to see that our pain was caused by our inability to live up to the spiritual standards we did not know we had. We can then begin to get a sense of who we are rather than merely define ourselves by what had happened to us. This is not a clever rationalization of the damage we did. We just acknowledge to fact that clean we do not do what we did using. And the longer we are clean, the more we take up new ways of being spiritually clean.

It may be impossible to collect written material on this subject without seeming conceited or presumptuous to those who seek but have not yet found their own spiritual reality. We hope for simplicity in the knowledge that what is hard today, may come more easily in time. Spiritual principles work where nothing else can. What we learn and apply determines how much better it gets for us. While our basic belief is that we are better off clean, spirituality enhances our cleanliness. None of us are perfect and we all have to decide what we can live with on a personal basis. Living up to the standards we set for ourselves may change our future. Naturally, much of this gets done automatically if we follow the encouragement to keep coming back. We know 'coming back' means personal growth - eventually! We focus inward through prayer and meditation on a daily basis. Many of us keep a journal to see our growth. As we develop our own system of standards, we begin to see our spiritual growth. Love, compassion, empathy and growth become useful words to consider spiritual standards. Add your own as you continue to grow.

We think, we project, therefore, we fear. Our projections are as flawed as the rest of our thought processes. Unless we feel certain that the other parts of our minds are in full working order, it may be best to stay close to those who love and understand and put off projections into the future. Planning allows us to provide, within reason, for what may happen. Projection insists it will happen, and we justify resentment if it does not. Very often, we will try to punish ourselves and others for projections that will never happen.

It may be that spirituality and fear occupy the same space. Spirituality can replace fear and fear can replace spirituality. Spiritual existence allows intimacy in our lives. Fear of others, their opinions, judgments and beliefs prevent us from being open. This makes it impossible to be intimate. Being spiritual allows us to be human. It allows us to make mistakes or to do the right thing for the right reasons. Spiritual standards allow us to reconfigure our lives. We can compare our present standards with those that might give us more freedom and joy. This is where we need the strength and guidance of our higher powers. As addicts, we lived in lonely desperation. Isolation was a way of life. Today, we hug. In countries where hugging is out, they have other ways of expressing appropriate affection.

Sometimes we settle for less because it seems safer. It is something we know. We may hurt; we may hurt a great deal. But we will not pick up over these feelings if we can maintain our connection with a power greater than ourselves. It may take a great deal of time before we can face the fear and try again. But when we are tired enough, sick enough and bored enough, we will do it. God did not bring us this far to drop us now. Whatever our higher power has planned for us is far better than anything we could dream of under our own steam. Faith and trust is the basis of our spiritual beliefs. Without that basis, we have no spirituality in the sense of a power greater than ourselves. We can not make deals with God to get our way.

While almost any degree of spirituality seems a great blessing for us in the pain and defeat of initial recovery, we may find ourselves in time wondering how far to go personally with spiritual aims and commitments. Should our standards cripple us in competition with others in the work place? As spiritual people, how do we deal with worldly concerns? It may take a while for spiritual to be as practical as worldly. The same laws govern both yet the spiritual rules over the worldly. If you want something to happen outside, get it to happen inside first. If we are not getting the results we want, it is up to us to review our understanding and locate defects that may prevent our effort towards spiritual achievement from coming to fruition. Surrendering to our powerlessness and unmanageability, we will accept that the difficulty of learning is being blocked but our own ego. God opens the way.

Finding out what we really like clean - and building that into our daily lives - is how most of us set spiritual standards for ourselves. Going further with this and trying to improve the way we feel and act is a valid goal in recovery. Many find themselves unfulfilled and bored because they look at spirituality as a matter of right and wrong instead of a process of becoming our best selves. It takes allowing ourselves to aspire to the 'best' to arouse the desire we need to power the recovery process. We do better in recovery to seek simple ways to understand and work our program than to get into platitudes that sound good but are impossible to live up to in real life.

We know that if we do not consider our resources, we may not be able to back off from expending them all. We run the risk of running out of gas before arriving at our destination. To commit and exert ourselves on a par with other people our age and background, we need also parity in terms of back up systems. With support we are unafraid of trying harder and risking our ‘best’ efforts. What then is it that keeps us from giving our best? Why do people settle for a safer less? From our experience, we fear the pain of failure. Great failure can kill us.

Stuff that we really ‘like’ agrees with us and does not sicken us or make us feel bad. For some reason, addicts, even those who have been clean awhile, seemed shocked when they find themselves still identifying themselves with beliefs and behaviors that were adopted and taken in during active addiction. What power should these sad entries in our personal journals have over us today? Self-destructive thoughts, beliefs and actions continue to operate in our lives until we shut them off through working our Steps.

Power, the ability to define or change reality, is related to our spiritual growth directly. It has to do with what is meant by powerlessness. We all have it to some degree however mangled and torn it may have become through our addiction. The ways we had to exert our energy to supply our addictive needs are the ways we need to change. We can moderate, eliminate and replace the ways we go about living so that we have more fun, peace and less hassle. All members face the moment when they discover again the power of surrender: when we stop struggling, what we want comes to us seemingly of itself.

When we say ‘love’ in NA, we do not mean low energy, no effort love. Our giving love takes much effort. Sometimes we were loving just to see if it works better. As we venture into trying our spiritual principles, our successes encourage us to raise our standards. The further we go, the more we can reasonably set new goals and standards because we build on our successes. Part of our strength is in our growing numbers. We back each other up.

Living in the moment keeps us centered spiritually. If we surrender on a daily basis, life is good. Diseased self-will has always led to a slow painful death. We can think we are winning a war with life as we accumulate things outwardly only to find ourselves unreasonably attached to these things. Spiritual growth on a daily basis keeps us free. Sincere thinking about God is a daily habit. We discover the power of this when life tests us. Our redirected lives put us on a different course and what is ahead for us is totally different from what we leave behind. Our steps must be taken in the present and we cannot help stepping on the ground that surrounds us on our way forward. The unconditional love we give and accept among our fellow members, takes us out of our self-preoccupation. We discover our new lives in the process of giving away what was so freely given to us. Our new attitude and behavior are the most sustaining changes that keep us from falling back into our old patterns.

The ten thousand issues that plague mankind may resolve down to status, stature and state. Reputation is good if it is honest. Having things is great unless the things begin to possess us. State of mind and body is important but needs to match up with what is happening in our lives. Feeling good when things are falling apart is active addiction at its worse. Can these outward symbols satisfy our inner needs? What has your experience been with achieving ongoing satisfaction with having money or emotional security as vested in another person? Was it enough? In time clean, we want to become clear as to what is real and important and what is unreal and inconsequential.

How many of us have found ourselves reveling in the spiritual growth we have attained through NA, only to have our disease blind side us with self-doubt? One minute we can be happy and content with our concept of recovery and our grasp of the spiritual principles we are applying to our lives. The next minute we feel all of that flying away from us when we ask ourselves, "Is this what I really believe?" Our disease lies in wait looking for that split second of self-doubt or slip of faith. The addict mind runs with the thought and the spirit within shines less bright. We have a choice at this point to ask ourselves, "Is this the way God would have me think, act, or believe?" Believing that God's will for us is freedom and happiness, am I following that path by thinking this way? We can put our lives and thinking back into perspective when we remind ourselves just who we are. We are addicts and always will be.

We accept that we can't do it alone. There are some times when even loving, caring people can not help us cope. By trusting our yearning, we find something that had been buried in the rubble of our addiction: a spirit! This spirit just may be the reason we are alive today. We think of all the times we wondered what kept us alive through bad situations. We can easily and naturally access our Higher Power. We call that conscious contact. Getting and maintaining conscious contact is the biggest part of what grants us a new life. We can not get it through our own power, so we get in touch with a Higher Power. Our lives are filled with unaccountable miracles.

Through the Twelve Steps of NA, we come to live by the grace of a loving and caring God. The messages we are sent by a Higher Power come through many modes of communication. We begin to get in touch with that inner light that is used to guide us in our recovery. By taking a posture of love and humility, by asking for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out, by meditating and listening for an answer, we are touched and our inner light becomes a beacon rather than a flicker. As our beacon shines, we find peace in the messages we are sent. It may be that we need to turn loose of control. We may have a child struck down by a life-threatening illness; our spouse may become disabled; our mother might have a heart attack; or all of this could happen. We may have been like flickers of light before recovery, but as we accept our inability to control, we become beacons of God's will. This light grows brighter with each surrender; others see the truth become visible in the process of recovery. We find the quality of our communication determines the quality of our life. If we give out loving concern - that is what we will get back. Communication is not only what we transmit but also what we are capable of receiving. What we can say and hear is a blueprint or layout of our personal condition. It is a reflection of the reality of what we can realize or experience. If we are more open to good things, that is what we will get. Ignoring the negativity is not ignorance, it is a strategy to live in the positive.

Our Tenth Step gives us a constant reminder to focus on self-improvement. One of the first blessings we receive in recovery is a new viewpoint. We identify with those who admit their need for help and are willing to do something to benefit others. Our wrongs no longer supply us with anything we need. They only cause us problems and embarrassment in our newly awakened lives. Where we have gone wrong, we are able to correct ourselves and make amends to those we have wronged without letting the problems grow into massive concerns. By regularly going over what we do and how we do it, we make steady inroads on the type of behavior that used to typify us as addicts. But now, we are clean addicts! The willingness to act, behave, and think in new ways is crucial to our recovery. We accept that there are times when we may have doubts about who we are or what we should be doing with our lives. We could not remain as we were. By admitting fault and making amends promptly, we keep the mistake or error from running its course and causing even more trouble.

Our Eleventh Step allows us to enter into the world of spiritual reality and accumulate real spiritual experience that we can use to guide us past activities that used to waste our time and energy. We can explore thoughts and feelings in ways that used to sound like science fiction. We can aspire to and attain spiritual fitness that seems reserved for people who were ‘better’ than us. Prayer gives us a way to look at what we're asking for. Prayer may open a hole in reality to let our dream come through. It certainly opens our hearts to accept the dream if it should come true. Meditation serves the place of prayer for many members and allows us to take a walk with God inside or take a spiritual excursion while conscious and wakeful of what is happening to us. Meditation may come to refer to a whole new range of experiences instead of sitting with our eyes closed and our legs crossed.

The Twelfth Step takes us from the internal struggle into the world of application. We actively apply the principles we have been using in our personal recovery to all areas of our life. Just as our world shrank in active addiction, our world expands in recovery. We each get a steady flow of new ideas to absorb, situations to deal with and demands to satisfy. Carrying our message gives us a clear direction where we had none. We can not avoid painful experiences entirely. They are part of life. We can get better at dealing with them. Ours is a savage disease of selfish pleasure. It betrays us by seduction, promising pleasure while delivering pain . Just by knowing this, we have a chance.

When the idea of God ignites our desire for spiritual knowledge, certain fission occurs. It begins to achieve a life changing energy level. The parts we do not care about split away, leaving us free to go on without the drag of pointless behavior. While the gravity of everyday worries will exert a drag on our spirituality, we need always keep contact with the eternal flow of things. While we do not ignore the gravity, there are other forces in our lives. As we become a part of life, we need to fit in with what is happening around us. If there are other good people around, we will want to be known and recognized as a positive force if we are in a negative setting. As we begin to grow in this way, we realize this is what we were hungry for all along. Our disease robs us of people as much as peace of mind and body.

As we reinforce the beginnings of a new life and expand the positive connections we have with other people, we pass through a series of growing experiences. Some may be painful. Most addicts are blessed with an ability to see what someone else should be doing. If we are sincerely asking for help, as answer will come. Maybe not in the form we would expect of from the person we would like, but it will come. There will usually be those who have gone before to help us. Our growing spiritual awareness will rescue us many times. At some point in our growth, we will begin to use our minds to do our part well and be less critical of others. The recovery process leads us from hopelessly despondent and rebellious to positive, spirited wakefulness. From bondage and despair, we emerge into freedom and hope. We are free to go our way. Our spirituality is born of acceptance of God's will for us and our growth is proportionate to our willingness to live that life.

Much of the Narcotics Anonymous program has the effect of countering our negativity. This is why we feel badly when we miss meetings. Our inventories give us a chance to re-examine our boundaries and in some cases remove barriers that no longer have function or purpose in our lives. We can go more places and do more things clean than we ever could using. Loaded, we could only keep our attention focused on subjects that bore a direct relationship to our next usage.

Addiction can create strange taboos that may no longer apply to us in our new lives. The taboos we are bringing into the area of discussion here are unrealistic boundaries set in active addiction. "I can't talk to my boss about the raise I was promised" may have the vague air of a taboo. That to be open with our boss may bring us 'bad luck.' While timing can be important, we should not wait to ask for that raise forever. Many cultural taboos have a valid place in human society. They are widely known and generally accepted as social standards. We, as addicts in recovery, have to review these things in the course of making changes in our personality.

Taboos, by definition, are ways we avoid certain things without thought or choice. They come from a fundamental social wisdom so deep, we do not even talk about them. This does not mean that taboos are always right. Usually, they are based on emotional issues that at some past time became unusually important either through a powerful leader or a disaster. Fortunately, the similarity to other defective phases of our lives carries through here and we can work through them. We can talk, at least with home group members or sponsors, about anything that may be bothering us. We keep in mind that very private matters may want to be reserved for discussions with our sponsor alone. We learn not to blurt out something hurtful to those who may be suffering as badly as we are. We need to assure that we do not let something keep bothering us without working your program for relief.

Certain dysfunctions in families are treated as if discussion of a family member's effect on our lives is taboo. We may need to line up support before crossing some of these lines. Sponsors can help us decide if we have a point of are just complicating a simple issue.

Maybe there was a special moment when we were happy years ago in our childhood or as teenagers. Maybe someone was kind or respectful to us. This memory is associated with feeling real, counting for something and being a vital part of life. Our mistake may be to seek to replicate the past and miss out on the present. We need to be dealing with the ordinary reality right in front of us. It is likely that we found our moment of memorable happiness as a by-product of growth and other activities that may have seemed unconnected to the good feelings we enjoyed. Do we want to be chained to our recalled happiness forever, bound by fears, taboos and missing out on life today? Can we not learn to enjoy life again on a daily basis and build up our capacity to accept good things into our lives? The purpose of being clean is to be un-hung-up.

What got us to recovery? Our spirit! What is our spirit? Is it that part of us that has the instinct and will to survive and prosper? Our disease wants to destroy that part of us at all cost. The reawakening of our spirit through recovery can be exciting, inspiring, and frightening all at the same time. It wants to live; it wants to prosper; it wants to grow. But how does this happen? Our addiction is a wall that prevents us from having conscious contact with the God of our choosing. Instead of contact, we chose the total self-indulgence of our addiction. Getting spiritually clean, we step beyond this wall.

Realizing we have a choice about using or recovering from the disease of addiction is often the first and fundamental spiritual awakening. Sometimes this is taken for granted. It is only in retrospect that this realization becomes tangible. Our experience has shown us that our Steps, prayer and meditation, and sharing with each other allows us to grow. Sometimes this growth is painful. Letting go of the only way we knew of living was painful. Fear of the unknown and blind faith doesn't go together well, but we must go through it and let our spirit get in tune with the spirit we call God. Basic living lets us move beyond some of the simplistic problem areas that once overwhelmed us. By solving the basic problems, we graduate to other problems. The vitality of ordinary reality is essential for spiritual growth. Stagnation is the beginning of regression into old patterns of thinking. Plato said, "I think, therefore I am." Realistically, we are what we think. Addicts say, "I think, therefore I am confused." So, if we are not vigilantly seeking spiritual progress, we set ourselves adrift. Old character defects resurface and rear their ugly heads.

Ordinary reality gives us chances to practice spiritual principles. Sometimes we will fail in making what we feel are ‘correct’ choices. The reality is that the ‘failure’ is a spiritual lesson that can direct our behavior. At the end of our drug use, we were forced to find a new way of life. That moment of choice was vital. We knew without a doubt that the drugs were killing us. Other lessons are not quite as important. The term ‘learning to live’ implies we will experience some short-term failures as well as successes. When we become aware of better spiritual living arrangements and do not wish to regress, a new way of life becomes a more attractive alternative. As our daily living choices improve, new adjustments and goals will change. We will seek out new horizons and possibilities. Things that were only dreams before now become reality: we start relationships, buy houses, maintain jobs, get involved in civic activities, etc. The new reality is ours to have. We no longer have to live in the woods, under bridges and at the mercy of the elements. We have to read the spiritual road signs. Those events in our lives that shape who we are, what we are and where we are going.

Speaking for many of us, an addict shares, "Lately, I've found one of the keys to freeing myself spiritually is to take the next logical step. I do the next right thing, telling myself that God has already taken care of it. This helps me to overcome whatever reservations I might use to inhibit myself. The willingness to ‘just do it’ instills a sense of accomplishment and helps open our eyes to more of the life we seek through the Steps.

"In the past, I've allowed procrastination to shut me down. Good positive action, no matter how minor it may seem, leads to a heightened awareness. As I do my part and allow others to share what works for them, more is revealed."

We may come to a place in our recovery where we realize everything that has happened to us has had a purpose. Nothing has been wasted. The seemingly random occurrences were all parts of a pattern we could not see while it was happening to us. Knowing this that may help us surrender and continue to do our part even when all looks hopeless. Once we admit we are powerless over our addiction; that our lives are unmanageable, we have nothing left to lose. Powerless in recovery, we may come to realize all good comes from God, as if God is a great river. Recovery allows us to become part of the river. After we do so, we can see it is all one river and all rivers lead to the ocean. This vision is what makes us seek phony, unsatisfying substitutes for the real thing. It is when we let go that we can begin a spiritual path of freedom. This is the freedom to make choices with the tools provided in the Steps.

This process holds the keys to all the things we have been missing. The trick is there is no trick! We pay the price, earn the degree or qualify for the job. Whatever we want, we can have it clean. Spiritual principles work. We have all progressed towards goals only to find, at some point, our way was blocked. This is when we are forced to back off and reconsider things. We spend time considering our belief, finding out from other people how they approach spirituality. All prayers and meditations lead us out of the darkness and into the light. Before we got clean, most of us had some rather strange notions of what a spiritual life consisted of. With the reality of our personal experiences of NA recovery, a spiritual life comes to maturity. Many of the things we sought in the outer world turned out to be available only in the inner world. Peace of mind is a condition of spiritual sufficiency, not worldly plenty. The quest for wisdom is always a slow and painful process. We can always change our lives by changing our minds. Our possibilities are only limited by our spiritual condition.

The goal of the spiritual life is to be comfortable in life, spiritually centered, and ready to face life on life’s terms. We learn who to seek out and who to avoid, what to say and do and when to hold back and find another way. To be calm, effective, attentive, sensitive, without much effort through habit backed up by inclination. To be able to quickly find your way back to these things when life knocks you on your ass. To be able to enjoy things of the world without being enslaved by them. To remain faithful and constant to those you love and care about without falling into boredom and a deadening routine. All these are why we quest for spiritual growth. This certainty is the stillness inside that allows us to identify with the eternal.

[9.25.05]

[admin]

CHAPTER FIVE
PERSONALITY CHANGE

Draper NAFG Draft Edit
September 2005

What addicts seek in NA is change in their basic personality. It says in the Basic Text, "A normal person is someone with one personality or less." This humor references that many of us have several 'personas' we switch to in dealing with various situations. We are one person at home, another at work and yet another at play. Real recovery is about being your real self all the time. This may help you as the reader realize that you can change if you really want to and do certain things as outlined in the NA Twelve Steps.

We came to NA fractured, broken, and self-centered creatures. Our sole purpose in life was our own gratification. We found that our ego and fear influenced our thinking. We justified the most outrageous behavior. We were devious, self-seeking and childish people at the beginning of the recovery process. If someone had told us this at our first meeting, we may not have stayed to find out more about recovery. We progress through a gradual 12 Step process. Personality change is an evolutionary process that begins when we learn principles that affect our spirits by working the Steps. This change continues as we begin to practice these principles in all of our affairs. Personality change describes the process that allows us as individuals to establish a new relationship with life. It is a process that unfolds before us when we learn to live the Steps and to apply the Traditions in our lives.

We have found that one problem was our extreme self-centeredness. Not surprisingly, self-less giving is the most useful tool that we have found to deal with the problem. Unless we make a conscious choice and follow it up with daily action - our personalities will stay the same. The lack of change is especially visible in our behavior during and following highly stressful situations. Recovery allows us to focus on the process of change and encourages us to commit whatever we have in order to get results. It also gives us people who can share what worked for them as they moved along the same path. When we begin to change, we also begin to experience a full range of emotions from joy to horror. We felt threatened by change in the past. Sometimes it's hard to relax and trust that personality change is for the best.

We wonder, "Which comes first, my behavior or my thinking?" We wasted a lot of time in this debate before we even started the process. We find that there is no a generic formula that will work the same for everyone. We have found that we must change our thinking as we change our behaviors. We have separated ourselves from the world with erroneous, ego-based and self-created illusions. Most of us have found that we need to attack our defective thoughts and actions simultaneously. We have always acted out of fear, instead of love. One of these illusions was that victory over others was crucial to our success. This is an example of the type of dilemma that we have to face. We thought that there was a limited amount of good available in the world. We believed that the more we gain for us then the less there will be for others. Because of our twisted beliefs and fear, we think that when others are doing well - they are somehow cheating us. The insanity of this logic is that what we fear losing was never ours. We have found ourselves 'wishing away' the good of others. If this thought pattern remains unattended and stagnates, it can manifest itself in the negative behaviors of theft, lying, adultery, abuse, vandalism or malicious gossip.

We must learn to be honest to begin this personality change. Many of us came into Narcotics Anonymous with a reputation for taking things that did not belong to us. We have justified our behaviors so often and well that we stopped feeling guilty about this behavior a long time ago. We discovered early in the recovery process that if we were ever going to stop using, we would have to change. We suddenly notice that we no longer put things in our pockets or purses that do not belong to us and we realize that change is happening. We go to meetings and share that we are trying to change ourselves by being more honest. We notice the way that others practice honesty in their affairs and we see that they seem to benefit from the routine. We write about our behavior in an inventory in order to get an honest and objective assessment. We can project a vision of life without this defect in our minds. If we like what we see, we then choose to practice changing this defect to the best of our ability. We make the commitment to practice honesty in all our affairs.

Some of us may break rules as a way of striking back at authority figures. There is a get even mentality here. But simple rule breaking should not condemn us to a life of criminal activity and incarceration. It may take some real work to rub out the old resentments and snap out of the sense that we exist apart from our fellow human beings. Being clean changes everything. We no longer have to fear, run, hide and do the extraordinary things addicts do in active addiction. We can step free of our old habits and attitudes. It takes time for the new ideas to take root and replace our old behavior but it is worth doing because you are the first one to benefit.

Three states of mind seem to dominate our lives: excitement, security and boredom. If we get tired of the same old things, that is boredom. When we feel loved, cared for and supported - we feel secure. We need to be vigilant when we feel excited or exceptionally good because there may be an element of danger present. Any of these states in excess can either annoy us or threaten our very existence. If this happens, we realize that we have a need for change. Serenity and spirited attention will allow us to move into a different state of consciousness without thought of personal loss or gain. Our basis of identity slowly shifts to other clean addicts seeking recovery. The NA Program, meetings and the members of the Fellowship give us a new security. As we actively seek recovery, we experience the excitement that comes from our desire to escape from active addiction. Using had become the only way to cope but recovery has given us other choices. After we came into recovery, we found out that we were living in total isolation. We felt unique and alone. We were positive that no one understood us or even cared.

From the beginning, the people in NA told us that we were important and that we were 'a part of', not apart from, the people in the NA Fellowship. They told us that if we surrendered, we would never have to be alone again. We felt hopeless in active addiction but in recovery, we observe people around us who are getting better. We hear them share their experience, strength and hope. We start to believe that we will get better also. This belief helps us get the courage to put our hope into action. This is a great change for us.

Addiction limits our choices as to how we live. The using lifestyle is dull and repetitious. Once the thrill wears off, we find ourselves forced to get high against our wills. We meet our needs unconsciously. Addiction can steal our spirit and health while making us feel insecure at the same time. Whatever excitement comes from the trouble in our lives, we find it quickly canceled by inconvenience and pain. We find that our pretense at happiness begins to wear thin and can no longer cover our misery. One method that our disease uses against us in recovery is that it makes us forget the pain of using and causes us to believe the lies that made us use in the first place. We may let ourselves glamorize our using instead of getting on with our program and working the Steps. One way newcomers help us is by reminding us of the helpless agony of being stuck in active addiction. Also, our concern for helping them get clean and stay clean gives us and excellent opportunity to follow our own advice and encouragement!

Our attempts to control things while using were futile and frustrating. We have made the decision to allow a loving God to care for us today. We can now entrust the situations and the people in our lives to the care of that God. We change from being manipulating and controlling people. We have learned to seek guidance and act on the suggestions that we receive. We have hidden the truth in the past, even from ourselves. We have lied and created false images. We thought that others would reject or scorn us if they really knew us. Today, we have gained the courage to be honest. We have found principles of recovery that are more effective for getting what we want than our addictive strategies were. Recovery can not happen if we cling to our old ideas and behaviors. As our thought patterns begin to change, so do our habits, actions and reactions. We used to try things and fail but today, we try and we succeed. Sometimes we feel the old feelings but any honest assessment reveals we are better off clean. The bigger changes take time but we do not get discouraged because progress is steady and visible. The primary change is not using and then we gain momentum. In the past, we had a fear of change but today we can welcome it. Addiction is a disease made up of deception and lies. We have hidden behind a mask for many years but in NA, we discover who we really are. We can stop trying to act as if we are someone else. We come to rely on a loving God to help us change with humility.

During active addiction, we caused great harm and were not willing to be accountable for that damage. In recovery, we can assume accountability for our past actions and we become freer to live in the present. Most of us have held grudges or resented the people and institutions in our lives. Painful regrets over things done or undone have tormented us. An important personality change is adding the principle of forgiveness to our character assets. We learn to forgive others and can ask for forgiveness from others when appropriate. Another change is that we were unreliable, undependable and unpredictable during active addiction but we have learned consistency of thought and action. We now live with integrity. We revive hopes and dreams that we thought we had lost forever due to our addiction and each day is a new beginning. A loving God has given us the knowledge of our potential as well as the power to achieve it. We were once isolated and alone but today we love and feel loved in return. We have become a force for good in the world and we are now able to be of service in all of our endeavors. What a change this is from the way we once were! As we admit our need for change, it may help us to realize that our needs consist of two types of things.

· Things that we are doing and want to stop but can not.

· Things that we want or need to do but can not.

We may feel that we are incapable of doing anything different in either case. When we feel the desire for change, determining the type of change that we need is half the battle. Our desires for change may first appear in an inventory. We learn to ask the God of our understanding to remove these defects and help us change. We are asking that God close some doors and open others. We have found that there is great power in doing this. God plants the seeds of solution among the problems of addiction. Clean time and practice allow these changes to embed themselves into our personalities. We become a living example of the principles that we practice. We can liken personality change to ordering from a menu of good things because we have the power of choice. We did not give ourselves permission to make choices before coming to NA. In the early stages of recovery, we think that we want it all but after settling into our new life, we find that we only want a few things. This is freedom.

We have learned the principle of unity: that we are all connected to one another rather that separate. Love connects us and we demonstrate this love when we place 'our common welfare first' or surrender our will to a loving God. We come to understand that when one of us rises to a higher level whether emotional, spiritual, financial, physical, or mental that we are each slightly better off. We realize today that when we feel that someone seems to be doing better than we are in a specific area it doesn't mean they are taking from us. They merely light the pathway to success for us. They teach us by the example of their actions and results. As we learn from them and apply what we learn, we experience success. We become an example to others.

Imagine that we drew a road map of our life and we saw a place in the mountains where we wanted to go. We would need to consider whether our transmission could take the hills - if not, we should get some work done before undertaking the journey. If we want to cross the ocean or go on an adventure in the tropics we would have different considerations. We must evaluate, upgrade or replace our equipment before beginning any journey. To attempt to do otherwise could result in great difficulties. An honest comparison of where we are and where we are going will allow us to begin to move in the direction that we choose. If our way seems blocked, we bring it up at meetings. We may need to give it some time before we give up. It may require that we get with someone more experienced to help us change into a person who can climb the mountain. What we have learned in recovery is beyond amazing for we have discovered that miracles occur daily.

We each have a picture of the world inside of us. This picture defines our relationship to everything else in the world. We gain the power through recovery to change this picture because we have come to terms with our powerlessness. We have gained the belief that our Higher Power can help us restructure our life. If we are unhappy in our work, we can either become a cheerful worker or change our job. Our clearing vision lets us see that the things we do are merely reactions that we learned during active addiction. We have learned that we can add or subtract anything from our personality that we desire. The physical portion of our personalities is how we react to and behave in life's many situations. The mental aspect is how our thinking guides our decision-making as well as the actions we take. The emotional or spiritual side is how we feel before, during and after making decisions and taking the actions that we have chosen. Some of these changes can be extremely difficult. We do not give advice on any of these matters. We only offer the encouragement to try. We know well the reluctance to risk the pain of failure. We share what works for us with anyone who asks for it. The point is that we have found a way out of our addiction by walking through the maze of recovery. As we continue to make healthier decisions and pay for what we want, our feelings about ourselves begin to change. We feel increased self-esteem because we have one less thing about which we feel ashamed. We learn consideration and respect for others because we are no longer acting out on the self-centered defect of stealing from them. We recognize that the rewards of integrity, esteem and a guilt-free conscience outweigh the temporary relief that the old behaviors could bring. Although our personal program for living is faulty when we arrive, the NA program gives us a set of spiritual principles that work. Over the years, these principles have withstood the personal tests of hundreds of thousands of addicts. Those who helped us have asked only that we help others in return. This is what we do here. First-time situations are the hardest for us to deal with because our minds quickly revert to the old way of thinking. It becomes a debate in our head over recovery on one hand and addiction on the other. Both are so powerful that it's easy to lose sight of self in this debate. Before we came to NA, we never even had a chance because we never saw anything but addiction.

First, we learn to try to visualize the alternatives. With the loving support of other people, we can stick our heads up a little and look around. The people in the meetings are our safety net. We get ideas that we can try from what they share because we relate to almost everyone in some way. Sometimes, what we share in an effort to help them may actually help us. Most situations do not require immediate action so we have to learn to go slowly, remembering that we are only human. This takes practice, but today we more quickly see the difference between our own thoughts and those of our disease. Through the Program of Narcotics Anonymous, we have learned that there is always more than one solution to a problem. Instead of trying to resolve everything on our own, we ask for help whether it is from our Higher Power or another recovering addict. Sometimes finding a 'safe place' is all that we need to do.

We have to identify our obstacles before we can try to get rid of them. From the beginning, we see that our present circumstances are the result of our reactions to what had happened in our lives. We knew that if we changed what we do that the results would be different. It is sometimes very difficult for us to see the connection between our actions and results when new to recovery. Our addiction distracts us from reality by causing us to become preoccupied with craving for sensations. It takes time to work the Steps and find ways to effect real changes. Recovery keeps us busy but we may soon find that we have more time than before. When life seems to trip us up and we fall on our faces, we now have people in our lives that will pick us up and help us dust ourselves off. We may need this reassurance before we really start thinking about and undertaking changes in our lives. We slowly begin to make the connection between our disease and our pain, and in time, we will become more confident in dealing with blockages. Gradually, we change and our lives become different. Most of us have developed the perspective that our lives are better even when we are in the middle of difficulties. We practice doing the next right thing until it becomes automatic and then we practice some more. Soon we notice a difference in the way that others treat us as we change from broken-down, using addicts into trustworthy human beings. This is what we have always wanted and we are freed to become the people that God intended us to be.

Within the world of personality change, our old habit patterns are the gravity that cements us in our old ways and drags us down. Recovery is more than mere abstinence: it is searching for our very best that is deep down inside of us and being brave enough to let that goodness emerge. Goodness may become our motivating force on a daily basis. Changes for the better may make recovery uncomfortable at times - yet the changes are thrilling. It is daring and risky to do new things. The leap of faith that we take when we admit that our life is unmanageable and the vulnerability that we feel demonstrate these feelings. The willingness to question old beliefs that did not work well enough to keep us clean is another example. Letting God take care of our life and will is terrifying to the selfish and frightened people that we are. Practicing principles can be a little like flying a hang-glider or bunji-jumping especially when we are not used to it. They can be exhilarating and heart stopping at the same time. If you have never felt these feelings, you might be holding yourself back from the adventure that we call recovery. Do not miss out!

The God of our understanding leads us along the pathway toward fulfillment. We follow this path to the simple best of our ability. This journey brings us peace of mind and continuous growth. Gladness inspires us to do more as our actions begin to inspire others. Our willingness expands in directions once unknown to us. Once we begin this journey, there are no limits to personal growth. There is no ceiling, only sky in every direction. Personal character and integrity are two of the main benefits that we get from these changes. Those who follow this path have unlimited opportunities to build and rebuild their character. What kind of character could we build while in active addiction? Today, we can build our character on a firm foundation with the tools of recovery and the Fellowship. Integrity is fitting in with other people and doing our part. This foundation is strong and we can relax and enjoy the warmth we share with others. We will experience many firsts on this journey. Such as the first time that a loved one challenges us and we can respond with love instead of hostility. Or the first time that someone confronts us with an error we made and we can tell the truth instead of blaming, denying or lying. How about the first time that we have the opportunity at real responsibility and we are responsible.

If we find our pathway blocked, it may be helpful to re-examine our ideas. Open discussion may help us find the source of the resistance. Sometimes we may need to take a chance. If so, we must be willing to be wrong. If we have already waited for some time and see no good reason to act, we should get with other members and do a reality check. Looking closely enough at the past will help us recognize the future in time to change it. When our thoughts drift back to where we were and how we ended up here, we realize just how much we have changed. Our views, beliefs and value systems have all undergone radical alterations. Before coming to NA, life was just something that we were passing through. Today, we work the Steps and practice spiritual principles in all our affairs and we see how much better our lives are. We learn how to uplift ourselves. Simple affirmations can raise our spirits and assist with our personality change. Some of us may read and study complex ways to raise our spirits. Do whatever you need to do to get results. Even after being clean for a long time, we have found that we still have problems and we still get moody.

One addict shared: "I remember having a couple of days clean and calling my sponsor. I told him that everything was a mess; my life was screwed up, work sucked, and nothing made any sense. He picked me up and we went for a ride and talked. After I listed all the struggles and problems in my life, he just looked at me and asked, 'Did you use?’ 'No', I said.

" 'So what's the problem?’ he asked. He explained that if we do not pick-up then we have a chance to face any problem. It has taken awhile, but I finally understand what he meant. If I stay clean, I will always have the opportunity to do better.

"When I got out of the car he told me to stay out of the way and then he drove off. I just stood there wondering what he meant. Today, I try my best to do just that - stay out of the way of my recovery. Through this practice, I have learned that 90% of the problems, which plague my life, are of my own creation. Life is not always a bed of roses, but today I can make choices. I can be part of the problem or part of the solution. Today, I choose the latter."

Anonymity removes the labels that bind us to the limitations of our past. Anonymity allows us to step out of those former boundaries. This is one reason why addicts are embarrassed when they begin change and attract compliments. Although a compliment is appropriate, we may still feel that we do not deserve approval. We have to relax performing our old habits in order to begin the process of change. While using, many labels were assigned to us. We do not let the labels follow us into our recovery. This is the first part of getting off the hook. Many times, it seems we are stuck with labels that follow us into our new life whether they still apply or not. It helps to remember that we have all had our share of living problems. All of us are capable of going further downhill unless we find a way out. We follow the instructions of the Steps in order to better ourselves.

Words conjure up mental pictures that trigger emotional reactions for us. The awareness of this chain of events helps us solve many emotional crises. We look at what is bothering us and determine when the distress began. We need to decide if the picture that we see adds value to our life. If not, we change it. In terms of recovery, no addict is better or worse than another is. This may be hard to see when you set a crack addict alongside a pot smoker, a drunk, and a heroin addict but it is true. Each of us has suffered and will get worse if we continue to use. Each of us will begin recovery when we stop using, even for one day. Other generalizations apply to us as well: things seem to be more difficult once the drugs are gone. Therefore, we must be careful not to label others' abilities and efforts just because they are not on our time schedule. One of these generalizations is that we seem to grow from one level of ignorance to another. Yet, we believe that our most recent advance is the final level of all possible improvement. Another is that when we think we know it all, we have just begun.

Everybody has the right to stay the same. Until we are ready to change, we can withstand any sort of pressure, coercion, terrorism or personal discomfort. The fact that some people experience lasting change for the better is a great miracle that we study and practice in NA. Flexing our emotional muscles a little by saying "yes" or "thank you" is how we start. We try toughening up if that is a change of behavior and we explore the differences clean. We look for different reactions from people when we say, "I am sorry" or "It won't happen again." We practice these things until we get the results that we seek. Sometimes, we may want to adjust our energy levels up or down. It is our freedom to change and our responsibility to adjust to living clean. We have found that the happier we feel, the easier it is to adapt to recovery. Our chances of ongoing recovery are greater if we start with the basics. We have the right to play new roles. Fear resides at the edge of our safety zone and we expand our existence by pushing fear back and enlarging our safe area. Freedom is not merely increasing our living choices from 'choice A' to 'choices A and B'. Freedom is getting to choose from the whole alphabet.

Obtaining freedom requires a great deal more than an understanding of the parts that make up a person. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Spiritual is a term that we define as 'beyond human capacity to understand'.

We know when we are happy and when we are sad. When our spirits are high, everything seems possible. When our spirits are down, nothing seems worthwhile. Therefore, we can see the results of changes in spirit although it is like trying to make sense out of shadows on the wall. This gives us encouragement and faith to carve out a new life for ourselves. We can use NA slogans to teach ourselves how to achieve positive reactions. We integrate these slogans into our consciousness and they become part of our belief system. When we first came to NA, the slogans seemed like empty words. "Keep coming back," "If nothing changes, nothing changes", "In God's time not mine," "Let go and let God," "Keep it simple" and understanding the HALTS - "Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired or Serious." All have great importance in the lives of many addicts today. Narcotics Anonymous has truly changed our lives. While we were changing, other NA members allowed us to be ourselves and accepted us as we were. They say to us, "You're right where you're supposed to be," and although we may not have a clue where that is, we accept the reassurances and follow their suggestions until we understand.

This same process holds true for each asset or defect. If we want to feel more love, we express more love through acts of kindness and generosity. Sometimes we must forgive before we can show love. Forgiveness is the catalyst that cleans our minds and allows us to begin any day anew. It frees us from the disabling weight of fear, resentment, grief, or anger as it allows us to see the good that surrounds us. We think positive and optimistic thoughts in our daily encounters with others. Every thought is a prayer so we must be careful of what we ask. We pray with a clear mind and an open heart to obtain the knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out. If our mind generates thoughts of love, our behavior will comply, and our spirit will soar.

[9.25.05]

[admin]

CHAPTER SIX
RECOVERY PROCESS

Draper NAFG Draft Edit
September 2005

Many of us arrived in NA filled with fear. We felt alone and unique. We were desperate and had been unable to find a solution on our own. We had been in a battle for our lives. We had fought to maintain our habit and struggled to hold on to some semblance of normalcy. We began to desire change even when we knew it was impossible. It could have been the threat of jail, loss of a job, disintegration of our family, an attempted suicide or witnessing the death of another addict that gave birth to this desire. We felt that we just could not live this way anymore. At some point, we looked at ourselves and could not believe what we had become. We were no longer a complete person rather only an empty shell of our former selves. We were heartsick and ashamed and we looked for a better way. While our using experiences differ, our common denominator is that the process of recovery is the same for all of us. This is all the more remarkable because our drugs of choice are different, our backgrounds are different, our educational levels and work skills are different, but recovery remains the same. The same 12 Steps of NA work for us all. Surrendering to the truth, no matter how painful, is the basic building block of our recovery.

When we show up to claim our lost lives, we get them back but they are probably in need of repair. Recovery is about changing, so we listen and become willing to use suggestions. If we don't work the program, the program does not work. As we grow in recovery, we regain our ability to see clearly by degrees. There are several ways to look at a person's existence. For years now, the members of Twelve Step programs have known we were sick in the areas of sex, security and society. In time, we realize that these relate to lust, greed and pride and relate to our personal state, stature and status. Our state of being, our stature of holdings and our standing within society seem like so many words until we realize they are the very things we will sell our souls for - or get loaded over.

Living clean was a whole new concept to us. It took time, effort and a sincere desire to adapt ourselves to the many changes. Some members disagree with 'sincere desire' but we only mean that sincere desire results in recovery. This is no game or war of words. For addicts desperate enough to seek recovery in NA, it is life or death. When we reach our individual point of desperation, we open ourselves up to the Program of NA. We will have many choices in the discovery and identification process. As we pursue the willingness to be a part of this process, we gain new insights. When we are face-to-face with our addictive desires, a commitment to spiritual principles can re-establish our faith. We shall face many traps at all stages of recovery but spiritual principles will bring us rewards beyond our imagination. We constantly rediscover God present and helpful in everything we do. There is a saying, "The further away you are from God, the more God seems to be an enemy. The closer you get to God, the more you realize God was your only true friend all along."

In recovery, we learn to rely on our Higher Power and NA members who are practicing the NA way of life. We don't do this all at once; we begin with surrender and admission of our need for help in Step One. It all comes from admitting we are powerless over our addiction and that our lives have become unmanageable. We may not know entirely what this means, but when we make the admissions, we notice immediate and lasting relief. We need the experience, love, understanding and support of other clean addicts to begin the practice of this program daily. We must study the spiritual principles of Narcotics Anonymous and learn how to apply those principles in our lives. We must find a Higher Power - whether it is an ideal or a supernatural being makes no difference. Many atheists and agnostics are among our members. As long as we believe - it will work for us. Find something to believe in that is loving and cares about your well being. When we first came to NA and stopped using drugs, we found that we needed our fellow members in much the same way that a newborn needs its mother. This is a matter of survival! The only difference between the infant and us is that we don't outgrow this need.

"Today, I understand the nature of my disease in a much different light than when I first came through the doors looking for a way to "get off drugs." As long as simply ‘not getting loaded’ was the foundation of my recovery, my disease then had hundreds of options remaining that it could use to keep me sick.

"I couldn't grasp the idea that a person who wasn't loaded could still be in active addiction through acting on the obsessive and compulsive nature of this disease in other areas of their lives. I thought that clean time equaled recovery - period! Today, I understand completely that recovery cannot exist without abstinence. However, it took a while for me to understand that I was not in recovery simply because I was no longer doing dope.

"Recovery is possible only when we work the Steps. It starts with the willingness to let go of my old ideas. As long as I see drugs as the problem, I remain in that old addictive pattern of blaming someone or something outside of myself for how I act and how I feel. From that viewpoint, it seems natural to continue using things outside of me as the solution to those problems. This way of thinking is at the root of addiction and I must surrender if I am to have a chance at true recovery."

This period of our recovery often precedes a spiritual awakening. While we know on an intellectual level how the Steps work, we probably have not experienced the miracle at a deeper level yet. We may find ourselves having a jaded view toward newcomers and people who relapse repeatedly. We find ourselves talking to them about recovery yet we may not really expect them to stay clean. Some of us have gotten clean just to 'show' someone! Some of us view structural service as an arena to debate our points of view and provide us with stimulating mental exercise. We try to interpret the Traditions and past policies much like a judge reviewing law before rendering a verdict. We may continue this way until someone points out that the Traditions, like the Steps, are not laws that can be broken, but spiritual principles meant to guide us when we don't know what to do. They are our goals for spiritual growth.

We battle to understand that we have the right to self-inspection. We don't fight each other or outsiders, we find our own disease. Our disease can convince us that spending time finding a belief that works for us, doing an inventory, or making amends is the ultimate selfishness. We have the right to relax our fear of others and we experience our progress emotionally. Hey, recovery is great! We begin to experience curiosity, openness and positive expectations daily. Fear after fear bites the dust. The healing that we feel on the inside allows us to become more open to others. The objective of ongoing recovery is to keep the growth process alive and happening daily.

Practicing principles is the best way to achieve ongoing recovery. When someone complains that they feel like they are not growing in recovery, one of us must remind them that it us their choices that make up their lives. It may be that they have slacked-off on some aspect of their spiritual maintenance but may never look for it unless guided to it by someone who cares. When we each get back to what is important to us, we see colorful and vivid images instead of the usual bland, gray world. We can not always hit our own 'reset button' and we soon learn that our need for one another is very real. Clean addicts are the ultimate weapon in our fight to get a second life. Through them, we see the world with new eyes. Doors open to us. Solutions and fresh ideas spring into our minds.

In NA, we are learning to change ‘who we are’ on the inside so we can live better on the outside. Like active addiction, recovery develops its own momentum. Coming face to face with oneself has never been easy and searching for the truth is even harder. It begins with a simple acknowledgment that we have a disease and we need help from others like ourselves. If we have the benefits of accepting the disease concept and have done a complete First Step, we find it easier to recognize when our disease pops up no matter how much time we have in recovery. As individuals, we may have many pet theories about the disease concept but our combined experience is available at any meeting. If we find ourselves depressed for no apparent reason, we need to re-evaluate our lives. Asking for help is a good way to start and is the best way to keep getting help. With this help, we may see that we have resentment against someone who has harmed us but we do not want to cause harm in return. Our disease makes it hard to ask for help because it would rather keep us angry or confused. We give up, show up, sit down, but most importantly we do not pick up a drug or some substitute. Our basic choice in any situation is either freedom or bondage but it is only available if we can see the choice is ours.

We had searched high and low for the ultimate meaning of life in the belief that it would give us the elusive feelings of control or understanding. We were convinced that finding that elusive prize would allow us to settle down, take root, and break our self-destructive patterns. We never took the time nor gave ourselves a chance to heal. This may sound like someone in this stage of recovery is neglecting their program. That's not true! They work steps, expand their understanding of the Narcotics Anonymous Program and most importantly stay clean. However, there is more to learn on this path of recovery. Most often, we have to slow down, not speed up, to get with the program.

We find ourselves in crises yet may not even realize that we often create our own crises. Some of us have become accident-prone to justify getting and taking medication. We may fight with people for no good reason and experience that familiar hung-over sensation even without using drugs. When we lived our lives based on lies, we experienced pain and destruction. When we use truth to guide our lives, we find joy and freedom. Once we understand this concept, we can apply it in all areas of our lives. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions are the keys to living free from our addiction. In Narcotics Anonymous, miracles happen when we know what we need to do and find the strength to do it. It doesn't matter whether our natural response is to ‘rage’ outwardly or ‘stuff it’ inwardly, we must learn to manage without using drugs. This is part of what we call having a choice. We claim the right to determine our reactions to people, places and things that used to control us. This is why spiritual growth is so important to our recovery.

When we finally surrendered to our addiction and worked the First Step, we fully expected the world to come crashing down around us. The First Step tells us that if we continue to remain alone - we will suffer from the horrors of addiction: degradation, dereliction, insanity and death. We have run for so long that we thought our anonymity shielded us from destruction. When we admitted that we could not manage our lives, we see some opportunities for change. We begin to see change as a solution that is spiritual in nature and will allow us to live happier lives. Some of us will not get through this period clean. Those addicts who relapse often have a hard time coming back and staying clean. Remorse over what they have thrown away causes them to dwell in the past and abandon the present. The addicts who make it back are the ones who can humble themselves, return to the basics and start living their lives anew. It is difficult, but it is better than the alternatives. Addicts who have put together some time after such a relapse, tell us they realize that their recovery is something they can never take for granted. The relapse process begins whenever we chose to practice the reverse of the recovery process. If we do not go to meetings, read the literature, and spend time with recovering addicts - we have begun negotiating the relapse process. The more we continue to leave off the things that work, the more certain we can be of the outcome. Relapse will occur.

The thoughts of using come to many of us frequently during early recovery. These thoughts can seem so real that we can almost taste the stuff. Some addicts even fantasize themselves right out of the rooms. We must accept that using thoughts are common to us and realize that we are not alone or unique when we experience them. It is quite normal for such thoughts to come especially during emotional crises. Some say that the time to worry would be when this did not happen. Arguments, the death of a loved one, losing a job, separation or divorce are some of the more recognizable situations that seem to trigger these thoughts. Many members share that sometimes they have these thoughts simply because they heard a familiar song on the radio, a blizzard hit town, or they ran into an old friend. We may find ourselves on dangerous ground because we find that our reservations actually increased our desire to use. Many have relapsed not realizing that this selective fantasizing is what took them out.

Even if we do not use, we can still give our addiction power. Becoming obsessed with multiple relationships, gambling, food, work, perfectionism, adrenaline addiction, danger highs, stealing, road rage, abuse, manipulating others, lying, or buying things to make us feel better robs us of our strength. We must face the truth. If we do not surrender and renew our commitment to recovery, we will be lost. The disease of addiction rules through fear and deception. We become convinced that we are alone and that the only answers lie in escape, manipulation and control. Giving up the burden of our secrets is essential to ongoing recovery. Looking within, we find many unfamiliar emotions. We must feel and work through these emotions, we have to grieve and rejoice or cry and laugh. Working the Steps, we write about the situation, how we feel, how things came to be, what it looks like and how we would like to see it resolved. It may take quite some time before we feel ‘back to normal.’ Maintaining close ties with our sponsor and home group during this phase of recovery is invaluable. We find support among our fellow addicts. Taking care to be good to ourselves, we accept where we are right now and love ourselves for who we are. We get to the other side of the situation and find that we have grown from the experience.

Sometimes, we felt like we were emotional spastics when we arrived in NA. We were unable to concentrate and often had sudden and severe mood swings. Our episodes of using were disrupting our living pattern and the disease was preventing any personal achievement through the distraction of using. We have learned that false pride and an over-inflated self-image is precious, especially if we have nothing else. It seemed that while others were building up their lives, we were in a destructive mode and repeatedly attempted to destroy our life. We try to evade uncomfortable emotions by denying their existence. However, when avoiding these emotions, we are not facing our fears. This is like bandaging a wound without cleansing it. The problem will only fester and come back, forcing us to deal with it later. Instead, we observe how our newly found courage transforms itself into trust. We find the ability to share things with others that were impossible in the past. The fear of others knowing us for who we are has left us. This principle of trust is evident in our meetings. We observe people taking risks and sharing things that are pleasurable as well as painful.

Often NA members face challenges that can shake them to their very core, especially if there are other life changes going on such as career changes, geographical relocations, health problems, divorce, death or marriage. Many addicts experience emotional extremes during these times. Some recovering addicts have said that life's problems and feelings seem worse than when they were using drugs, but they stay clean regardless of how bad it gets. For some, issues from the past such as sexual or physical abuse, pent-up rage or growing up in a negative environment come to the surface. It is common to feel off-balance even when we are working hard at our recovery. We hear others share their pain as well as embarrassing truths about themselves. A part of us cringes as we realize that they are sharing our secrets. A part of us waits for others in the group to condemn and ridicule these secrets. When this fails to happen, it helps us trust the group with our feelings. As we experience the love that other NA members show us, we experience the filling of that inner void. We feel the emotions that others go through to get clean and stay clean and this gives us the courage that we need on top of our desire for recovery. Sometimes the feelings that others share can remind us of what we will go through if we drop away from the program of recovery and return to active addiction. This is usually when many of us get a sponsor and actually begin working the Twelve Steps on a deeper level. We have tasted the fruits of recovery and we want more.

A woman in the program lost her young son in a tragic accident. She told of experiencing hurt at the hands of addicts who meant well, but lacked the tact and compassion to help. "Within two weeks after his death someone said, 'You have suffered with this long enough, it's time you work the Steps and turn it over.'

"When they told me that, I felt like they were saying that I should just forget my son and move on. Well, I can't do that! I was working Steps, just to face each day and not go over the edge of insanity because I was hurting so badly. I'm sure God will heal me in time, but how long it takes is between God and I."

The addicts giving advice probably meant to help her. They were sharing things that they knew worked and may not have gotten to the sensitivity part. Nonetheless, an injury occurred because of someone's ignorance and insensitivity. We may be blind to the distress of others because sometimes empathy is painful. As hard as it is to watch someone suffer, we have found that a kind word and a warm hug are more healing than the best-intentioned advice. We often discover during these difficult times that we exhibited a greater measure of faith than we knew we had. We have been living Step Three in our lives. Our faith told us that eventually the bad feelings would pass and they had. Some of us may be dealing with years of repressed hurt and anger. Many say that the courage we use to face these feelings is the same courage that we find when it is time to do a Fourth Step. We hang on knowing that the God of our understanding will carry us through. The care of a loving God takes the sting out of the emotional pain.

At its best, the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship is like a loving family. A bond exists between the members of the fellowship that is similar to the relationship between siblings. This bond develops out of our need for others who have found recovery from the disease of addiction by living the NA way of life. When we discover how many people care about us, we can begin to open ourselves up to their help. In this way, our lives expand and we grow spiritually. We are part of the miracle of recovery. We fear placing trust and faith in other people and usually with good reason. When we trust that God is working, not only in our life but in the lives of others as well, we begin to relax. We need to remember that when we seek help from others, we are not depending on them to meet our needs. They help us overcome our old behavior by sharing what worked for them. The difference is that we are no longer asking anyone for anything that we can do for ourselves. Addiction allowed and even encouraged us to drift into a pattern of excessive personal obsession. The more we used - the more we resented anything and anyone that demanded to be in front of the drugs. The resulting loneliness and desperation were driving forces when we sought help. Many of us relapse, not even realizing that one of the major obstacles to recovery are the lies that we tell ourselves and actually believe. After coming to Narcotics Anonymous, we learn that honesty, open-mindedness and willingness are indispensable to recovery. We all nod our heads in agreement when this discussion takes place in meetings. Upon closer examination, we may find that we still have a life based on lies. We still use these lies to justify and rationalize our sick behavior patterns.

All people have a tendency to surround themselves with like-thinking people. This confirms their opinions whether true or false. Addicts are more susceptible to this behavior. The disease of addiction causes us to defend or justify our position when we hear key words, phrases or anything that makes us feel uncertain about our beliefs. This results in isolation. We continue on this course unless an obstacle such as pain deflects us or unless a force greater than we are draws us in another direction. We must learn to tolerate imperfection whether it is in others or ourselves. If we continue to isolate ourselves from recovery, the results can be dramatic and even lethal. In recovery, we relax, become a part of and check out all the possibilities.

Today, we have a solution to this problem - it is called ‘thinking things all the way through.’ This means that instead of trying to force the thought out of our minds, we continue with the fantasy and make sure to include the pain and despair that comes with using. We remind ourselves of our frantic struggles for money, loss of friends, withdrawal, trouble with the law and major health problems. When we force ourselves to think things through, we can see both sides of reality and we increase our desire to stop using. Many of us find that these using thoughts came less often after we began practicing this new tool of recovery. As we confront our reservations, our mind begins to comprehend that we do not want to use under any circumstances. Events that once triggered obsessive behavior only cause a passing thought today. God gives us the power to recover the NA way.

Others have learned how to address today's problems, thereby eliminating tomorrow's catastrophes. These NA members have a solid foundation in the Twelve Steps, a sponsor and a home group from which they continually draw strength and experience. They have an active reliance on a loving God. Good times and bad times happen in recovery as they did in our active addiction. The difference is that we have the ability to make the most of our good fortunes today. Furthermore, we learn to work through tough situations without making them worse. Our job as recovering NA members is to remember that we have this ability and to use it daily. This new surrender to the Steps can often instill a lasting feeling of well being within us. We now recognize, that no matter what happens, we can stop the insanity by humbling ourselves and letting the God of our understanding guide us through troubled times.

Once the obsession to use leaves us and our lives stabilize, many of us get involved in activities outside the Fellowship. Some of us seek to increase our conscious contact with God through religion or other spiritual practices. We spend more time with our families. We may become active in community volunteer work, elections, government, social responsibilities, scouting, parent organizations, coaching sports teams, etc. Some members say, because of their recovery, they have taken up hobbies for the first time. Things that we have turned into a series of increasing difficulties reduce in size as recovery progresses. Surrendering to the reality of our addiction provides us a way to escape that addiction. All these activities are positive outlets and necessary to forming a well-rounded life. Unfortunately, we have seen many members disappear from the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous while in the pursuit of money, property and prestige.

Others may ‘float out the door on a cloud of religious zeal.’ Instead of allowing their involvement in outside interests to complement their recovery, many thought it could replace it. Removed from direct contact with other addicts, it is often easy to fool ourselves into thinking that we're in control of our lives. We may even tell ourselves, "Sure, NA saved my life and helped me in the beginning but now I'm ready to live a normal life. I just don't have time for the things I used to do."

One addict shared: "For seven or eight years I was actively involved in Narcotics Anonymous. As time went on, I became interested in doing more outside the program. With the skills I'd learned through countless service positions and committees, I discovered that ‘normal’ people wanted me involved with their projects too. Before long, I was active in local politics, participating in charity fundraisers, and sitting on several not-for-profit boards - all at the same time. It was service burnout all over again!

"Besides my volunteer activities, I had picked up a couple of hobbies that turned into a part-time business. I was also trying to stay fit by working out at a gym regularly. With all this new responsibility, I just didn't make time to go to meetings or call my sponsor anymore. I didn't 'quit' NA, I just never made it to meetings. I wasn't too concerned though, after all, I was still clean and had an impressive resume of good deeds I was doing. The longer I stayed away, the harder it was to return.

"After two years of sporadic meeting attendance, some situations arose that got me coming back regularly. Upon my return, I discovered that I had regressed in my recovery much more than I had thought. I was more judgmental toward others. I had redefined my standards for honesty and other spiritual values. Where I once felt at ease, knowing I was in God's care, I had begun to feel threatened by other people or situations. The irony is that these changes were so subtle that I didn't recognize them until I became an active member again.

"Now more than two years have passed. I realize that active involvement with steps, sponsor and a home group has to be a lifetime commitment. I still have outside interests and activities, but they don't take priority over my recovery anymore. While I can probably lead a normal life, I will never be normal. I will always be an addict. The required treatment for my progressive, terminal disease is participation in Narcotics Anonymous."

Many members wander off and stop going to meetings. They might receive visits or telephones calls and give assurances that everything is all right because they are not using. Their emotional and spiritual needs seem to be met within the family setting, a church or some other group of people. This might have worked for a while but the rest of us in the program need to know what they learned that helps them. They may need us, even if they avoid us. They take their program with them as they grow and explore their new lives. The problem is that they tend to forget to come back and share with us what they found useful to them. In NA, we specialize in sharing information on recovery from the disease of addiction. Of those who drift away, very few say that their lives are better without NA, even if they did stay clean. Occasionally we may encounter one of our absent members. They tell us that they are doing well; but many times, after some conversation, the old familiar feelings of loneliness, disconnection and isolation come out. Many of those we talk to relate a sense of aimlessness and a feeling of not being useful. Grateful indeed is the addict who makes it back from a walkabout or a relapse.

They realize Narcotics Anonymous provides us with a sense of community, a higher purpose for living and a proven spiritual path. Others face hardships in recovery, but never leave the program. Fear, hopelessness and despair can seem to overtake us. This is all stuff we have to deal with clean. While these troublesome times may seem like our darkest hour, they can often be catalysts for growth.

No matter how much clean time we have, or what our specific problem is - we always begin with the principle of surrender. Surrendering to the truth is still the basic building block of our recovery. By reaching out to NA members who care about us, we can ease our pain and confusion. Through prayer and trusting the God of our understanding, we find new strength and wisdom. Inventory is a valuable tool we use often. It helps us see things as they really are. Our path, once dark, is now illuminated. Most of us come through these experiences more humble, more grateful and more peaceful than we would have ever imagined. Recovery begins with surrender. We no longer feel the need to continue proving that our beliefs are correct. We surrender our fixed ideas and belief systems to the God of our understanding. We have the choice between love and fear. If we are vigilant with honesty, open-mindedness and willingness, we soon find that God is moving us in a new direction. We might hesitate when letting go of old practices because there is a certain comfort and security in familiar pain. God will supply the direction and courage we need for change. It would be cruel and not very loving of God to bring us this far to let us down. We begin to find and embrace a new lifestyle that is based on God's will for us.

Denial, discovery, curiosity, recognition and identification are stages that we go through in discovering that we suffer from a disease. Sometimes we fight this discovery. Taking a closer look at how we think and respond to situations gives us a new perspective. This insight teaches us new ways to approach whatever might confront us. From this perspective, we work outward and see how addiction came to touch every part of our lives. As we grow in recovery, we observe constantly in order to change our lives. Some of us came to meetings in our early recovery because we were afraid of what would happen to us if we did not. Eventually we kept coming back because the recovery itself was so attractive. We notice when others become stable in recovery. What we have learned is reinforced when we actually witness it working for others. Before long, we believe that we too can get better. Our hope grows into faith and our commitment to stay clean gets stronger. We come to meetings today because we want to. We like the feelings that we get from sharing and listening to other addicts. We are able to form deep, impressive, and lasting memories that assist us in readjusting our viewpoints and actions.

If we do not take something into our bodies, we will not have to deal with it later. The similarities between food and other forms of consumption are endless. If something makes us sick, we stop eating it. If we are sick, we examine what we have been eating. If we discover something has been making us sick, we give ourselves permission to stop eating it. When something like this comes up and we have trouble stopping, we work all Twelve Steps on the subject, including helping others if we want ongoing relief.

As we acquire time and experience in recovery, we find that our reliance on the God of our understanding grows. Some of our older members talk about being in a constant state of prayer – in other words, living the program in all that they do. These members appear as though nothing on earth could shake their serenity. Impossible as it may seem that deep and abiding peace is within the grasp of every one of us. Most of us have had these spiritual moments when we felt completely in the care of our Higher Power. These feelings often follow an act of surrender, such as taking a Fifth, Seventh, or Ninth Step. This inner peace may only last a few minutes or a few days but it is not easily forgotten once experienced. Much of our work in recovery is an effort to return to and maintain that state of mind. Each time we choose God's will over self-will, we are moving closer to a state of serenity. Each time we help someone else and expect nothing in return, we add joy to our lives. Each time we do a good deed without telling anyone about it, we learn humility and find peace. Each time we sit alone and look within for our Higher Power's guidance, we gain wisdom and power. Each time we face our fears and do what is right, in spite of the consequences, we gain courage. When we give love to others and ourselves, we find ourselves loved in return. The recovery process teaches us how to practice these principles in all our affairs, ‘our thoughts, our deeds and our actions.’ The longer we stay at it, the better it gets.

We must learn that mastering our feelings, thoughts, and emotions is not copping out, denying personal responsibility or living in someone else's expectations. We learn that we are becoming ourselves when we focus on our mind, spirit, and our personal likes and dislikes. We begin to experience the peace and definition that comes with this process. Reality begins to develop for us, this time as a friend and ally, not an adversary. Our fear of this process held us in limbo, perpetually bound, weakened and it prevented our healthy growth. Once we believe that others do care about us, we can open ourselves up to their help. Many of us were afraid for a long time, always hiding from reality, but today we have courage. This is how our lives expand and we experience spiritual growth. We found that when we stop running, the world stops chasing us. We thought that the world hated us and was in pursuit to hurt us. Active addiction would not allow us to see that those who cared for us loved and missed us.

Today, we can look at life's events and ourselves realistically. Through effort and application, we find God's Will revealed to us moment by moment. We stop placing expectations on other people and situations and practice acceptance instead. We realize that everything that happens to us, both good and bad, is only another lesson in living. Each morning we begin our day by asking God for knowledge of His will for us and for the power to carry it out. We know that the God of our understanding is in charge. Our lives are better and things are good. We asked for guidance and now we act on that guidance.

Therefore, we have fewer crises. Each night we end our day by expressing gratitude for all that we have experienced. By working with others, we keep our perspective of the Program fresh and invigorating. We feel connected to the world and celebrate the joy of living. We are grateful for every moment because we are alive, we are clean and we are free.

[9.29.05]

[admin]

CHAPTER SEVEN
TRUST

Draper NAFG Draft Edit
September 2005

Learning to trust is an ability that does not develop overnight. We have learned to trust from relationships with self, our Higher Power, our sponsor as well as other people. As our faith in a power greater than ourselves increases so does our ability to trust. We work the Steps with our sponsor and we have gained trust and faith in them as human beings willing to help us and not judge us. Having established a relationship with a Higher Power and a sponsor frees us to begin having a relationship with ourselves. We eventually trust God enough to turn over our wills and lives to divine care. This, along with our surrender and new belief, opens many doors for us.

When we trust our feelings and actions, we then learn to trust others but choosing trustworthy individuals may still be a problem for some time. We have to learn discretion in choosing trustworthy individuals. As we surrender, we learn to trust. Unconditional love is experienced when an NA member helps us, expecting nothing in return. We do not trust just anyone, especially our old playmates. NA members prove themselves trustworthy as we get to know them. There is a special bond which forms as our identification with others like ourselves becomes complete. We would not betray them anymore than we would betray ourselves. Of course, as self-destruction and isolation characterize our disease, we have to grow more trustworthy through working the steps. We come to trust God as we get to know God. So, much of our mistrust is based in fear of the unknown. As we learn, we grow in all areas. No part is separate from the whole.

Many of us did not trust others simply because we did not trust ourselves. We could never tell for sure what we would do! Our addiction prostituted our wills, desires and values. We tend to lose what we abuse. There are several levels of trust. We earn trust, gain trust and sometimes expect trust. For us an addict, feeling worthy of trust comes from living spiritual principles. All of the spiritual principles of NA are equally important. People respond to us in a more positive manner today. We check our personal motives in our conscience in order to determine whether we are living in recovery or addiction. Are we open to the problem or the solution? While some learn trust from a sponsor and others close to us in the Fellowship of NA, we all receive guidance and instruction from someone. We share and grow in the process.

We wonder what happens to our secrets when another member gets loaded. Will they lash out and try to cause us problems? Usually not is the answer. Not because of any virtue, it is just that active addiction makes planning hard. We forget our isolation and insanity makes us unpredictable. Do not let your imagination control what your think or act upon. Certainly defensive moves can trigger unwanted effects, so don't draw attention to yourself. For some reason, we are also poor predictors of what people will do. Our ultimate faith and trust must be with a power greater than WE are. We trust that a loving God will work things out.

Trust has to do with the commitment of being true to one another. Our need for help is intense because growth in recovery moves us into areas of life where we lack personal experience and self-confidence. Often we try to live by what we saw on TV or heard from another person instead of talking with our sponsors or other members. This is where some of our mistakes come from. We have to stay close to someone, either a sponsor or friend, who can help us if we have trouble or make mistakes. Three answers will come up frequently: honesty, openmindedness and the willingness to try. The important thing is that we keep trying and asking for help until we begin to succeed. We will succeed if we keep trying, in almost every case. This means that even when we think we have failed, we should keep trying. This is where spiritual courage is necessary. Just believing God will take care of us makes a change for the better right away.

"If at first we don't succeed, we try, try and try again." We check with our sponsor and friends to find out where we are getting off-track. It may be that we just need to give it a little more time. Trust is the key to doing many of these things. Letting our guard down may seem foolish unless our belief system includes the idea that a loving, all-powerful God is looking out for our well being. When we replace our defect of lying with a dependence on the Spirit, we expect some changes.

Many addicts tend to barter minimal good behavior with their 'enablers' to get their approval and support. Sometimes we use 'strategic disability' and pretend to need help. There will always be opportunities for us to manipulate people but as we grow in conscience, we notice how this makes us feel. This guilt game takes over our life. Manipulating others causes us to feel guilt. This guilt makes it hard for us to find someone who comes across as real. Many, if not all, of us played variations of this game during active addiction. It is the dishonesty that causes the problems. Principles eventually replace this manipulation. Then, we can go forward in life without harming others. We still get what we need, we just earn it instead of taking it from others. The games we played in active addiction taught us not to trust people. When we are sneaky, the whole world seems corrupt. So, we have to learn to trust again. How can we reach tomorrows blessings if we are stuck in yesterday's games?

For many of us, learning to trust started by sharing with a few select members and then only small bits at a time. One of the most important of these few select members was a sponsor. The more we share and let our guards down, the more we found that other addicts understood and could relate to us. The more we are willing to share, the more a part of NA we feel and our trust grows proportionately. Another aspect of trust is to trust the NA way of life as well as our Higher Power's Will for us. Things may not always go the way we want because God can say no or show us another way. Life seems to go better when we can trust God's Will for us and we just show up to do our part. Sometimes we learn a lot about trust by taking a service position in our home group. Doing simple things like emptying ashtrays, making coffee, and setting-up for a meeting are good places to start. Being able to share our feelings without having to keep our guards up is a freedom.

From living a non-caring and non-feeling life to having someone tell us, "Yeah, that happened to me also," or "I love you and it's going to be OK", is quite a change. One of the great advantages in our newfound freedom is the ability to experience intimacy with others. We were people who have used anything entrusted to us in our attempts to hurt or manipulate others but we can grow into someone who is trustworthy. It is without a doubt 'risky business' but it is certainly better than never trusting again. Trust is an accurate indicator of our renewed health and recovery. We have to trust ourselves before we can trust someone else. We may want to take a simple look now and then to make sure the response we are getting matches up with the signal that we put out. Our signal may match the response and we owe it to ourselves to evaluate the situation honestly.

Some of us deliberately study our facial expressions and body language for this purpose. We have picked-up habits, traits, or mannerisms that are offensive to other people and they protected our isolation in active addiction. Distance making behavior is a real factor we need to acknowledge. At that point of time in recovery when we want more people in our lives, we may want to change some of these ways of doing things. Feeling forced to play the role of 'victim or victimizer' is an example of this. We become trustworthy and we grow in our ability to trust others. We can find many more choices today. We are freer. Going to extremes eats up a lot of our energy and gives us very little comfort or clarity. When we stop depending on crises to keep others from getting too close to us. We experience changes for the better. We have more time and money to do what we want.

Our common welfare depends on our capacity and willingness to love and support one another. We are never alone. We get scared and may do stupid things yet we learn to make amends and look for ways to get over our pain and distrust. Trust is a tool for living. Without this tool, we will not be able to interact with other people in healthy ways. The all-or-nothing approach to living hinders personal progress for many addicts. We don't have to trust people who are not trustworthy. We don't have to place our recovery in jeopardy in order to demonstrate trust. Still, we all need a few people that we know are on our side and will not betray us, no matter what. Scarred is a word that looks like scared. Our scars are pictures drawn in our flesh and on our souls by the pain that we have survived. The scars on our emotional being are also visible in our actions and reactions to others. It is a sad fact that the pain of an unusually hellish moment will stay with us until we 'face it.' It causes us to use 'pain-avoidance' to prevent a situation that would, at best, be difficult to duplicate even if we tried. Realistically, we can process what happened and what we need to stay away from to avoid this type of repetition. We get on with our lives, rather than feeling permanently crippled by our pain.

Trust is required if we are to participate in the processes of healthy living. We have re-discovered long dead dreams in the 'springtime' of recovery that only the clean know about. We trust those with whom we share. Addiction is dream death. We need humane support in order to let our issues surface. We can then haul them into full view. The aspects of our mental and spiritual existence that was drowning in our active addiction can again flourish in the light of recovery.

Personal service goes far beyond helping us learn how to stay clean. It revives the things we wanted to do when we grew up but did not get a chance to develop because our addiction intervened and sucked-up all of our energy. Recovery is actually a 'coming out' of a spiritual nature. When we discover something spiritually important to us, we have to share it or express it in some way with someone who will affirm the reality of our experience. Otherwise, we stay where we are at and find it impossible to do more than stir the kettle of character traits without having the ability to throw-out spoilage and add some new stuff. Personal service is the acknowledgment of our spirituality starting with our first surrender and going forward with us into this new life. Others give us their personal service until we learn how to do it for others.

We acknowledge the real person in another human being. We recognize a little of ourselves in them and a little of them in us. We know that this inner person could not control what happened when they were loaded - they were powerless. We have to be able to separate what we did while using from who we are in order to regain hope and trust for ourselves. The major trouble generally goes away almost as soon as we stop using but the refinement of recovery takes a lifetime.

From this point, recovery becomes straightforward and sensible. Why we use and how we lose the obsession may seem to be mysterious but recovery shows and speaks for itself. Our inner being surfaces more frequently and once free it begins to dominate our thinking and behavior. Our fellow recovering addicts accept in us what they have learned to accept in themselves. We know that we are different people clean and that the laws, which we were up against while we were loaded, are no longer a problem. It is humorous to watch someone who was a burglar in active addiction complain about someone else stealing their toothpaste. They get so indignant!

Life on the surface can be much different than it seems. As our ability to come out and share our real self with others increases, we expand the circle of friends with whom we can exchange trust safely. We see exactly how we replenish or deplete our own resources. Helping others helps us. We find that we help others with exactly the things that caused us problems in the past. Trust is what we need to support us in our effort to obtain a personality change. We need others who have no ulterior motives to provide the references that we need so that we can tell fact from fantasy - the real from the unreal. Learning to trust others is simply part of the process of learning to trust ourselves.

Many times getting clean leaves us feeling mortally wounded and it takes time for these wounds to heal. In the meantime, we must trust something so why not the Program of Narcotics Anonymous. Since it worked for so many addicts that came before us, we know that it can work for us. In the beginning, we heard that we have to share to stay clean and we trust this even if we share out of a sense of desperation. We fear that we may return to our old way of life. Nonetheless, we begin to trust the things that we were told when we were newcomers enough to try them. Our trust increases after we stay clean for a while. This is partially due to placing a degree of blind trust in a Higher Power long before we became convinced that the Program would work for us.

Gossip

The ‘disease is between our ears.’ This is a powerful phrase for pointing out and reminding each of us that our spiritual condition is our responsibility. It is one thing no one can do for us. Gossip is a damaging social action. It differs from 'group consciousness' in that it plays up someone's difficulty, error or vulnerability. In a recovery context, it can also be like a person who is sick, showing he or she is running a fever because their skin is hot. The "temperature" is a sign they are sick. It can affect our Fifth Tradition in recovery meetings. If a new person hears gossip about others, how long will it take them to become the topic, especially if they have awful experience to share? It goes against anonymity. A program that specializes in taking in some of the world’s sickest people also takes in some of the world's most sickening people. We tend to persuade others to take our side or viewpoint in things. An insightful member can hear someone gossiping and get with the person to help them process what they are hearing. Even this has to be done with care.

One member shares, "One time a newcomer was going over a group problem with me. The group was very upset about a particular member somewhat talking out of turn, being slightly disruptive and so forth. I assumed the problem was that he didn't know yet about certain things having to do with the background of the individual he was so offended by. I mentioned that our disease runs in families and that the facial features of the person seemed very like some pictures I had seen recently of persons who were born of parents who were in active alcohol addiction. The slightly distorted features, reduced mental functions, etc. The point of my story is that I might have done better leaving well enough alone. The kid who had been complaining felt so badly about attacking someone disabled like that, he may never have come back. This is one of those rotten little lessons that never come again close enough to recognize and do better. Mentioning it here may be the only time I get to communicate it.

"So, a lot of times for me, I try to look inside, beyond the surfaces, for what is really going on. One of the things I got from the Dune books by Frank Herbert was the idea that the health of a society can be judged by how it treats its dissenters. For me the idea became that a healthy society doesn't need to retaliate against dissension because it is secure in its foundation and doesn't have to react out of fear."

In a society of recovering addicts, we will always have those who challenge and oppose. It is part of the deal. Sometimes they will be right and we will be unable to hear them in time to do any good. But hopefully by surrendering and being open, we will do better. One of the things about this work that I love very much and feel very devoted to, is the way we can reveal - through time - where we are really coming from.

Group consciousness functions by exchanging information and everyone gets to do this. The difference between group conscience and gossip is that group conscience is concerned with helping someone. Gossip only hurts. It causes distrust in others and rebounds on the gossip as well. We get back what we put out. Like a super, global family, we pray for wisdom to flow from a loving God centered mental and spiritual state out from the people who have it, through the people who need it, to reach the people who have never thought of it - for the good of us all.

Much of it comes down to processing things that come up in our daily lives. Something that is considered known, may have been gotten wrong but is so specific that the error means nothing for a considerable time until an occasion to apply it comes along and it fails to work. We need to be able to constantly listen and review what we think we know to catch flaws before they do harm. It usually costs nothing to give someone the benefit of the doubt. It hurts so badly when others expect bad of us. It feel really good to know others will back us up, even when we make mistakes. Some of the things we hear have to be mixed with a ‘grain of salt’ to keep us from jumping to conclusions that may be erroneous or unfair. Judging others on our own experience can really create a lot of problems. Suppose we hear about a love affair. If we are happy in a relationship, we may have a somewhat tolerant, love and let love attitude. If we are frustrated and miserable, someone doing what we secretly want to do can arouse all the wrath of an Old Testament prophet. Recovering drug addicts are wondrously quixotic in this regard.

A former member of the World Service Board of Trustees shared, "At one of the world conventions I got to attend, a married woman was caught in bed with a man. Both were young and good-looking. The woman was accusing the man of rape. The person who came in on the lovers ‘in the act’ told me that the woman was on top and nothing visible was holding her in place. She didn't seem like someone being forced. Now the small circle of us recovering addicts who were informed on all this and in something of a position to make a call as to whether it be taken seriously or not were a little protective and bloodthirsty. What kind of animal would assault one of our sweet, sexy, attractive and outgoing little ladies! It was a trip. After the lady shared her impressions of what she had observed, I let out enough to eliminate the legal threats and let the people deal with their foolishness in a more contained manner. I always wished I had been able to console and make sure the guy was ok. In retrospect, it seems he was more likely the one who was ‘taken in’ by the situation and his main defect was in not being able to say ‘no’ to a beautiful woman who was open to his attentions. I hope they both are still clean.

"While there can be no doubt that the damaging effects of irresponsible gossip will continue to exist, there is one more thing to consider: life is different in recovery. I had a member on my couch for a while. He was from the Miami Fellowship and very hotheaded. But he was also very street wise. One time I was sharing my inability to understand what the hell was going on in a particular situation and he cocked his head and looked at me. He liked me and seemed to look up to me in many ways. He said, 'Don't you get it? Dope fiends cover their games with clouds of confusion.' Since that moment, much has become clear to me."

There is a widespread belief that we get back what we give out, so gaining trust is largely a matter of giving trust by being trustworthy. If others suspect our motives, don't know us or have been burnt by us in the past, we just might as well accept it. After all, if someone steals our tv, do we let them stay on the couch? Like everything else, we will get more trust when we can handle more trust. God doesn't burden us with opportunities to get into more trouble. Like many other things, when we don't need it, we can have it. When we don't need to be watched, the attention of others will be redirected to those who do. Trust and trustworthiness are one measure of personal growth.

[9.29.05 ]

[admin]

CHAPTER EIGHT
LEARNING TO LIVE

Draper NAFG Draft Edit
September 2005

"Key for Life"

"Having lost all my possessions (cars, houses, clothes, etc.) not to mention friends,
personal relationships and family ties, to the disease of addiction,
I remember a key ring I once had with many keys on it.
It seemed at one time, I had a key for everything.

"And I recalled a night, many years ago, that I stood at my door,
completely wasted, fumbling for the key to open that door.
And the next morning, looking out my window and wondering
why my car was not parked where it should be. 'Where is my car?'

"Well, today I know those things can be replaced.
And I have one key, today, that can unlock and open
anything or any door I choose. This key is my recovery
and it is my 'Just for Today' key ring."

Narcotics Anonymous recovery is a way of living. We find that the best instructions for living our new way of life in the NA Twelve Steps. These Steps allow us to halt the progress of our disease and resume our individual growth. The directions for sharing this new way of life are found in the Twelve Traditions. The Traditions protect the safety and security of the Fellowship as a whole. They have the power to guide us away from or around known problem areas. The Twelve Principles of NA are hope, surrender, acceptance, honesty, open-mindedness, willingness, faith, tolerance, patience, humility, unconditional love, sharing and sharing. The Principles bring together the Steps and Traditions and show us what to do in situations we have not experienced before successfully. These elements form the foundation for growth and change.

Other things that help us grow are working with a sponsor, sharing with other addicts, developing our faith, reading our literature and attending NA meetings. Our experience shows that 'learning to live' is a process requiring daily effort and lifelong practice.

As we adapt to the NA way of life, we are changed. Before we can begin rebuilding our lives, we need to get several things in order. We have admitted the information and knowledge that we based our lives on is faulty. Otherwise, why would we need help? If we rush ahead blindly, we are just going to hurt more. We will be rushing ahead with all our fearful limitations and misinformation limiting the success we should enjoy upon entering this new world. That is why we gain immediately from our surrender. We stop doing things and that means we stop doing things wrong. This is what brings immediate relief. We may not be doing many things right, but they don't punish you for that!

Following the Twelve Step process allows us to get a Higher Power to help us take our inventory and remove defective character traits that may have worked in desperation, but have no place in our new lives. It is important to get this straight from the very start. If we are addicts of a type that finds recovery in NA, we will surely die without help. Graveyards are filled with addicts who could have benefited from NA. Stubbornness and close mindedness will limit the quantity as well as the quality of our existence. This is no game. There comes a time when we have to stand still and hurt until the pain stops or at least subsides a little, so that we can find our where we belong.

We learn to reach out to others right from the start. This is not because you have so much to offer, as it is a way for you to learn the program. Your desire for recovery is enough of a basis to qualify you to help others. Dumb luck and the Grace of a Loving God will assist you. If you are new to recovery and you are close to an NA member now, it may help if you tell that person you really want help. Ask them to tell you the truth and not to worry about hurting your feelings. Because we are in recovery, we have to be careful about offering help when someone does not ask for it. We have learned that this runs some newcomers off by intruding on their space, so most of us are careful not to be too forward, allowing them to grow at their own pace. Asking for help is not only socially acceptable in NA but also highly recommended.

We use the NA Steps, Traditions, Principles, literature, members, meetings and the power of prayer to begin with. There was a time, not too long ago, when addicts like us died because no one really understood what was wrong with them or offered them a sure path to recovery. Due to the loving dedication of all the clean addicts who have gone ahead of us in recovery, this is no longer true. Their availability makes the case plain. We do not have to do it alone. It is hard for us to open up to others. Yet, by doing this, we can discover at least one or two who completely understand everything we have to say.

"Welcome home. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life." These are the words that one addict uses to greet a newcomer in First Step meetings. This sentiment can set the tone of loving acceptance, the same acceptance shown to us when we were newcomers at our first meeting. Carrying our message begins with a welcome. We can see and identify the pain that comes from active addiction and leads us into a real desire for recovery. Simply taking time with someone as others took time with us, we welcome our new people into our way of life. We explain that NA is not a cult and that if some members try to push their personal ideas on them, not to get too upset with them. Our Program, as such, is a collection of what works for addicts in recovery and nothing else. Where written materials accord with what addicts do to stay clean, grow spiritually and help others they prove useful. We do not have good literature and bad literature. It helps addicts or it does not. Writing can only approximate the wonders our members perform and experience in a day's time. So our personal, friendly welcome is the way we pass on what another NA member gave us.

We gladly render service, meet our obligations, and can accept or solve our troubles with God's help. We know that it does not matter whether at home or in the world, we are all partners in a common effort. We understand that in God's sight, all human beings are important. Our daily lives give us proof that love freely given brings a full return. We are no longer isolated and alone in self-constructed prisons, nor do we feel like square pegs in round holes. We receive assurance that we fit and belong in God's scheme of things. These are the permanent and legitimate satisfactions of living. True ambition is not what we thought it was. True ambition is the deep desire to live usefully and walk humbly under the grace of God.

What happens just after we stop using is so confusing and chaotic that without the friendship and help of other addicts, most of us would have fallen back into active addiction. After all, addicts use. Our long sought after peace of mind may seem like a tantalizing taste of freedom that cannot possibly be real. As we grow in recovery, we transmit our experience to anyone that needs it. It becomes our own in transmission. Giving hope and encouragement to others helps us get hope and encouragement. When we experience what it feels like to help others expecting nothing in return, it is easier for us to accept the help we need for ourselves.

While there is much to be said for 'just not using'; we have many other things that have to be done. We are looking for ways to support ourselves and others in recovery. We come first. It means so much to us that efforts were made on our behalf long before we sought help in NA. This could only have come from a deep and abiding love. 'Intention' seems to be an important ingredient in this deep love. It is like a song. Intention correctly implies that we do it by choice and with love. When we do things of our own free will, we add the strength of commitment to our message.

We may have sat at a meeting and groaned inwardly when addicts from a treatment center walked in with a newcomer for a First Step meeting. We may feel tired of the basics. We may sit there wishing for something more ‘on our level.’ What could be a greater leveling than sharing with a newcomer? It brings all our recovery resources to bear against the disease of addiction personified in an addict seeking recovery! What better way to show ourselves where we truly stand with our commitment to recovery? By making ourselves available, we will find ourselves getting close enough to someone to do some good. They will expect to see us at a meeting and feel let down if we are not there. At some point, we may want to take some responsibility for this and let ourselves become bonded to the person. It is a choice. Once we have made the decision, we can see into the needs the other person may have and can pray to be used as an instrument. We can check with others, pray, use our imagination and do all sorts of things to help the person if only they are asking for our help. We have found that trying to force help on an unwilling recipient is like pouring water into a jug while the stopper is still in place. It needs to be open.

Settling down and adjusting to life without using has to happen first. Only after we see ourselves as addicts and relate our pain to using do we have a chance at lasting recovery. Replacing our habits that were born in fear and desperation takes time. We obtain freedom in one area of our life yet we see our addiction controlling another. As we discover each area of loss and deal with it, our minds begin to clear and our appetite for freedom increases. One benefit of surrender that we experience in working the First Step is that we are not personally responsible for everything 'wrong' in the world! We chop our problems down to a workable size and thus begin to see some progress. We have chased an answer that appeared to be at some distant, unattainable point; therefore, we have to relearn to focus in today just like children. This takes the burden of 'our expected future' off our backs. The future, as we have come to expect it, is not going to happen to us as long as we are clean and practicing spiritual principles. It cannot happen because everything is different for us when we begin the internal process we call recovery. Changing the world might take forever but we can easily and quickly get results by changing ourselves. Personal responsibility means changing things within ourselves.

Personality change describes the process that allows us to develop a new relationship with life. Without a conscious choice combined with daily effort, our personalities will stay the same. This is especially visible when we are going through great stress and difficulty. Recovery allows us to set our mind on this process of change and eventually engage enough of our personal resources to get results. Usually, we have to have people we trust encouraging us to go a little further and to try a little harder in order for results to happen. We most often react in horror and feel threatened when change starts happening. In the past, change has been a threat. It is hard to relax and trust that changes are for the best.

In active addiction, many of us used character defects as a shield against attack. This was our 'survival kit'. We seldom told the truth because we lived in an illusion created and maintained by our lies. Fear and distrust motivated us to build walls to protect us from emotional or physical harm, only to discover that these walls had become our prisons. We used anger and intimidation to keep people away. The bikers used a tire iron and the lawyers used a fountain pen: it all comes to the same thing, our fear of people approaching us. We feared that if they got too close they would see through the games we were playing to the hollow inside. We wanted what we wanted, when we wanted it. We had little patience with anything or anyone who stood in the way of our self-gratification. Recovery means becoming God-centered instead of self-centered.

After coming to NA and beginning the recovery process, we find that some of the tools in our old 'survival kits' were more harmful than helpful. Put away that tire iron and hold out an open hand while letting someone know you need help. Put that checkbook back in your vest, you can't buy the love and acceptance we have to offer. Recovering addicts shared with us that we had to find a new way to live. They told us to practice honesty, 'no matter what', and in time telling the truth would feel natural. They told us so they themselves could hear it. In time, we tell others and hear it ourselves! We all want freedom from the bondage of addiction. We want to have choices, to be able to move in many directions, and to feel full of energy and spirit.

We must take the time we need to regain our personal sensibilities. Next, we start to identify with people in meetings. We read NA literature and find that we relate to the stories of those gone before. We realize that we are not alone and that we do belong. We then establish a framework of understanding and supportive friends and begin to rebuild ourselves through the power of the Twelve Steps. We know that our disease is always chasing us and we realize that we are the 'master of our own demise'. The reason that 'surrender' must be complete and a belief in a Higher Power must be revolutionary is that without them the gravity of the way we were will draw us back into the insanity.

Many of us have experienced initial confusion. We may have misused our newfound opportunities by seeking ways to regain the sense of personal power. Our self-centeredness takes our natural desires for sex, security and fellowship and twists them into negative qualities such as lust, greed, pride and extreme dependence. For recovery to occur, we have to learn to tolerate increased responsibility with gratitude and humility. Those who forget this responsibility, risk returning to active addiction. Surrendering, taking an inventory, praying and meditating give us ways to live life. We visualize our goals and honestly assess the obstacles in our way. If we are willing to face the consequences of our choices then we can aspire to all our dreams in recovery. All of those goals are out there in front of us somewhere. Much of recovery is serendipity. Good things come to us when we stop trying to make things happen.

Today, we have a purpose for living. We do not allow money, power, property or prestige to divert us from that purpose. To do so would negate our surrender. Today, we have become self-supporting and we contribute our fair share in all areas of life. We carry our own weight and are no longer a burden on family and society. We gladly give our time, talents and resources to help others wherever and whenever we can. Our disease has isolated us. It has prevented us from living life to the fullest. Recovery is not only regaining things that we lost in active addiction but also restoring our dreams. One of our greatest discoveries is nothing more than the ability to see a blessing for what it is. We accept goodness into our lives and act for the betterment of those around us.

It may have taken a crisis to make us reach out for help in the first place and it may take more pain to keep us aware of the need for growth and change. Many NA members think that our chains are a natural part of us because they have been with us for so long. Our defects have been interwoven into our lives. Real honest love is what we need. It is 'for love' that we care for other and reach out of our own loneliness. We have protection from harm in our vulnerability by the courage we have gained from the program of NA. Those who lack a working relationship with a loving Higher Power may disagree with us. The strength and conviction of some of our statements may put them off but we still need to communicate our feelings and beliefs with others. We have found something unexpected in recovery, and that something has re-ignited the fire of life within us.

Instead of envisioning painful encounters, we now see ourselves getting jobs and conducting ourselves in a responsible manner. We can rehearse what we will say and what it will feel like to say it. Many times, these scenes play out exactly as we have envisioned them. It slowly dawns on us that things as simple as this are what spirituality means. We could have died for lack of what is commonplace in the lives of non-addicts and were totally unaware of this fact while in active addiction. Nonetheless, that is how this disease works. It isolates us from people who care for us and would do all within their power to help us. In the same way, it separates us from our 'good opinion' of ourselves. The things that we did while influenced by drugs could make a fallen angel blush. We learn to judge ourselves anew. When we find ourselves lacking, we make up the difference with the help of fellow addicts.

We avoid situations that could make us feel even worse about ourselves because that is how we have survived active addiction. Any positive experience or reward could trigger the self-destructiveness of this disease. A little more shame or guilt and we might not have survived. We always lose sight of the fact that in the end, we only fool ourselves. After all the cons have been run, the deals done, and the scams pulled, we ask ourselves, "Are we happy? Are we pleased? Do we feel good about ourselves and about the lives that we live?" If we answer in the negative, we work the program with more vigor for greater happiness and fulfillment. Freedom from active addiction, the ability to make choices, the flexibility to move in many directions, and feeling full of energy and spirit, is what most of us want.

As we adapt to the life of attending meetings and having contact with clean addicts, we recognize changes in the content of our thoughts. We take what we hear in meetings and study how to use it in our situations. We plan how we will handle certain situations before they come up. We try the things that appear to work for others. At this crucial stage of recovery, we reach out for help to deal with the things that have been bothering us for years. If we are honest in our desire to change, someone will come forward with an answer or we will stumble across it in a book we read. Sometimes this answer will come several times before we actually hear it.

When we pray or meditate, we open ourselves up inside for extra help like this. God answers all of our prayers. "No!" is sometimes the answer. "Wait!" can also be the answer. Then, we may waste time theorizing over whether the help would have come if we had not opened ourselves up spiritually. The point is that today we can recognize and accept God's help.

Many of us are pleased to find the world opening up for us. It is a world rich with help and support that we could not obtain before. Sometimes we get impatient about the time this takes. Therefore, we must remember that results come in God's time, not ours. We are grateful that the change comes at all.

As addicts, we live an all-or-nothing existence. We are creatures of extremes. It is all too common to see someone overextend themselves in service work, burn out, and then withdraw from service altogether. One example would be that we used to ignore our families while using yet we continue to ignore them in recovery. It does not seem to make any difference whether we were gone and using or we are gone to meetings, we are still gone. We may smother them with our controlling love and attention in a misguided attempt at making amends and then feel hurt and rejected if they exert independence. Another example is that we used to not show up for work for days at a time and now we will not even take a day off. We swing from irresponsibility to feeling responsible for the whole world. We then turn around and quit our job just because it is just 'too much'. Achieving both inner and outer balance is an elusive prize of recovery. We swing like a pendulum from one extreme to the other and hope to find that middle ground where peace and serenity reside. Eventually, we will find that peace and serenity. It comes along when we reach the point that we sincerely ask for restoration to sanity. When we take an inventory, do other step work, share at meetings and work with our sponsor, we get on a course that most accurately reflects the vision of the life that we want for ourselves. Recovery gives us a chance to slow down and finally get it right for a change.

We have every right to aspire to all the good things of life. Perhaps for the first time after many years, we express love and kindness to others when we first meet rather than waiting to see if they deserve our friendship. As we gain self-acceptance, we lose the reasons that we hide behind our self-made walls of paranoia and fear. We begin to like ourselves and then we learn to love ourselves. We express our gratitude by serving others. Today, we intuitively know that we are cared for and are no longer alone.

As one addict shared: "I learn how to live from watching how other addicts live their lives. The Steps help me to identify and achieve my dreams. The birth of my dreams often comes from seeing someone else exhibiting the qualities that I want. I ask questions and observe what they do to keep these spiritual gifts so prevalent in their lives. The answers have never been hard to discover. The people who feel the most love usually give the most love. People who seem the most humble are usually the most grateful. People who are peaceful pray and meditate for that peace. Generous people gain the most from their giving.

"I am learning to live by taking what I experience by 'working the Steps' and putting it into practice wherever I go. If I want more love, I express love. If I want inner peace, I pray to be peaceful and serene. If I want more gratitude, I try to help someone else and be thankful that I can. It seems that doing the 'little things' that people told me to do when I first got clean are just as important today as they were then."

Imagine how it would be if we had to fight with everybody and everything because of our anger. That would be a lot of fighting. How different this is from the old days when all we knew was to 'fight with or flee from' those who disagreed with us. We learn to stand our ground for the principles that we believe in while allowing others to do the same. We are calm and relaxed because we are not afraid to learn something new. We have also generally done our homework and don't often feel personally threatened by what someone may have to say.

Surrender leaves us free to fight when there is no alternative. Suppose we could not inventory our assets and liabilities. How would we approach our life? We would always seek more. We would have no way of satisfying our actual needs. Sound familiar? Suppose we had no way to reach God through prayer. Suppose we could not recognize or accept the spiritual answers that come to us. We would be 'on our own' and in active addiction again!

There are five steps to peace: denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and peace. The acronym "d-a-b-a-p" should become a word in our language to describe this process. This information may help us get on with recovery. In response to someone who is stuck in anger, we may suggest bargains. If asked, we may suggest getting angry to someone who is stuck in denial to help him or her get going again. It is important to remember that life is a process of change and growth, only 'dead things' stop growing. We engage the forces of life when we throw aside the labels that our addiction placed on us and begin the selective process. We can finally take steps to free ourselves from the limitations imposed on us by our disease and reflect our true preferences. We can become the human beings that we have been inside all along.

Sometimes, we give the impression that we like to preach. We have sat in meetings listening and sharing that we are often repeating from rote things we have heard or read in the literature. When we're doing better, such things can become issues to work on as self-improvement. In active addiction, we believed that someone loving us and going out of his or her way to help us created a debt that we could not pay. In recovery, we learn that this demonstrates the principle of 'giving back'. The only way we can maintain this gift of recovery is to continue to give it away. When we give it away and find we feel relieved, we get new insight into the feelings of those who helped us. Helping another is all we must do to repay our 'debt' to those who helped us. If you feel that recovery is getting stale, look again. Ask yourself, "Am I still giving it away?" It may be God's way of reminding you that you need to concentrate more on honesty, open-mindedness or willingness. Almost without exception, we will find that by putting something else first, our recovery and peace of mind have suffered. The next time someone calls asking for help, we start the conversation by thanking them for calling.

Sponsorship is an essential element in working the NA program. The only way to learn and apply the principles of recovery is from a person who has worked them. We call that someone a sponsor. It is important to find and use a sponsor as soon as possible. We may come to rely heavily upon them. In time, we too may become sponsors and grow from the opportunity to return the love and attention that was freely given. After acquiring some clean time, we recognize the rewards that come from living by principles. We see that healing is happening in our lives and that it is a direct result of working the Twelve Steps. We come to realize that because these principles help us deal with our addiction to drugs that they will also help us in all areas of our lives.

Fear and guilt may have been great motivators in our active addiction and early recovery. Fear and guilt keep us from doing what we can today. Both limit our lives in ways that we may have thought were blessings. In time, however, we will want to be free of these two defects just as we would want to be free of the cast after a broken bone had healed. It would be far more troublesome than helpful to keep them or the cast. We would again limit our lives needlessly. Feeling needless fear or unearned guilt creates limitations that steal freedom.

An indispensable tool for living clean is gratitude. This positive emotion is markedly lacking in addicts but we can learn gratitude by practicing it. Generally, if we are not grateful for what we have today, we most likely will not appreciate what we receive tomorrow. Most of us learned gratitude by patient practice after we come to the viewpoint that it is necessary for our self-improvement. Narcotics Anonymous gives us the opportunity to regain the things that we lost in active addiction and to reach goals that we never dreamed were possible before. When we experience conscious thankfulness, we feel as if we have added a new dimension to our existence.

Every time that we act on faith, we change the world for the better. This miraculous power helps counteract the feelings of worthlessness and despair that this disease gives us. When we begin to substitute actions that make us feel good, we find that we are doing better in the world than we may have thought. Our experiences benefit us even when they do not seem positive. This is especially true when we find ourselves in the midst of tragedy. We can often learn as much from knowing how something does not work as from how it does. We must learn to think clearly before we can take effective actions. Obviously, we must draw correct conclusions about what happened and be honest about how we want to change ourselves in order to experience better results.

A vital part of learning to live clean is the acceptance of our personal responsibility to our recovery and society. We look forward to contributing our fair share. We apply the principles that we learn in NA, whether within the Fellowship, with our families, in our professions, or with other organizations. "'Exactly what is my fair share?' we might ask?" It is simply doing 'what we can do' today. 'Doing good' makes us feel better about ourselves so why would we miss this good feeling by shirking the responsibility?

In our meetings, we learn that the most precious gift we have to give is our loving attention. We listen actively with all our senses and try to establish empathy with other NA members. We apply what we learned at meetings and give this same level of attention to our families, friends and co-workers. The concept of 'our common welfare should come first' extends to our families, neighborhoods and communities. We surrender our egos into the larger group conscience by trusting that a loving God will speak through us all.

In this, our Twelfth Step work, we begin to participate consciously in the miracle of NA. It is the recovery process come full circle. We have gotten enough to begin to give back. We know well the spiritual law that says we will receive at least three times as much as we give. Whenever we stop having stuff come our way, we have stopped giving in some essential way. Actually, we may unconsciously begin to deny ourselves. It will do no good to receive more if we are full already. We have to let go some to make room for more. We may have been coming to meetings for a long time. Gradually we watched ourselves grow from being a taker to a giver. We remember to give and grow so that others may grow to give. This was the nourishment offered to us when we began our journey.

Life gets better as we practice unconditional acceptance with others. We simply give our love unconditionally. Unconditional simply means without expectation. One thing that can give us great difficulty is finding out that we may have unknowingly placed expectations on other addicts. We may find that if someone relapses, we had the expectation that they would stay clean. We may even tell ourselves that they just did not want to stay clean and seem to forget that they suffer from the disease of addiction. We must remember, "There but for the grace of God and the blessing of recovery, go I." We must be careful not to use this disappointment to justify isolating. We obtain freedom when we learn to make our own decisions and try not to hurt anyone in the process.

In the past, making compromises may have been difficult. Today we can compromise our actions without compromising our values. Recovery teaches us that we can disagree with others without being disagreeable. Most of us have witnessed two or more addicts arguing passionately over an issue. The conversation was animated and the atmosphere of recovery seemed in jeopardy. Somehow, the right answer became apparent to everyone. We have such a feeling of accomplishment when working through differences by 'listening to' rather than 'bullying' one another. Only minutes later, those addicts who were once arguing so forcefully are hugging, sitting together and planning what to do next. As long as we show love and respect for one another, we will always find an answer that will work for all.

As we learn to live, we discover that we are not alone. We are not independent from one another because a power greater than we are connects us. We believe that things can get better and so our hope grows into faith. We realize that if we continue on this path, we have no need to be concerned for our welfare. Faith gives the courage to examine who we are, what we have done and who we would like to become. We trust ourselves enough to share what we find in this process with someone else. We become more willing to change with the perspective that we 'receive' when we share our regrets, resentments, wrongs, assets, hopes and dreams. We begin to become responsible and accountable for our past and start trying to repair our relationships. Only after we have forgiven ourselves and the people who may have harmed us, will the way forward open up for us. Knowing the next right thing to do is a big part of daily recovery. Our resentments bind us to the past and can replicate the problem again and again. When we pray and meditate daily, we discover God's will for us as well as the power to carry it out. Self-worth grows when we are of service in all areas of our lives. Amazingly, we find that the more love we give, the more love we have.

When a loved one dies or narrowly escapes death, we realize that life goes on with or without our permission. We can turn our lives around at this point if we are aware of the message of hope that is Narcotics Anonymous. This discovery may make us want to be a part of life again. Clean, we realize that we might as well stop fighting and start figuring out how to be happy. We have the right to remove any obstacles that we find and get on with our lives. There are simply too many help services available to go without. If only we are open to receiving help, these individuals, professionals and agencies can help us. This goes for friends and family members as well as the public and community organizations. Many of us could not conceive of a life without the use of drugs. We believed that if we did not have drugs in our lives our lives would be boring and incomplete. It has been heard many times in our meetings, "If I listed all the things I expected to achieve in my first year of recovery I would have short-changed myself." We quickly learn that the life of a using addict is no life at all. It is saturated with pain and unfulfilled dreams. Hope remains hidden in the fog of our denial. As newcomers, we were filled with questions. How can these meetings change my life? What do I do now that I'm not using? More experienced NA members may have smiled that knowing smile and encouraged us to just ‘keep coming back.’ It was too difficult for many of us to conceive this new way of life at the early stages of our recovery. By not using and going to meetings before we believed that NA would work for us, we learned a lesson in faith.

This is what being a part of life is all about. Our addiction keeps us isolated and miserable. It destroys our lives by creating real and imaginary barriers to our happiness. Many of us feel that we have no right to happiness by the time we arrive in NA. One addict shared: "I used to discuss friendship with my mother, sometimes complaining about certain friends. My mother turned to me one day and said, ‘You've got to be a friend to have a friend.’ I often think of this remark when I consider the balance between giving and receiving. Sometimes I'm tempted to sit home and watch TV instead of going to a meeting, thinking, ‘There's nothing I'm going to get at that meeting anyway.’ What I need to remind myself is that maybe I need to go to that meeting because there is somebody I need to give something to instead of looking for someone to get something from."

Words are symbols of reality as such have the power to heal, wound or kill. Some words have been off limits to us for some time and we need to make friends with them again. We must remind ourselves of our right and responsibility to do this. We have quite a story to share; most of us have histories that are far more dramatic and intriguing than a motion picture. In active addiction, we lived secret lives and did not want others to know what we had become. We came to believe our own lies and blocked out the truth, even after we got clean. Because so much of what happened to us is deep inside, it may be a while before the full stories come out. One of the miracles that we experience in Narcotics Anonymous is helping one another to get a new grip on reality. Only recovering addicts understand the courage that it takes to walk back from our own destruction one step at a time. NA has been described as an archway. As we enter into recovery through this arch, we find many paths before us that we can take. We find spiritual principles that can guide us on our journey. We find that our hopes and dreams can be fulfilled. What were once only fantasies have become our reality. Life is no longer filled with pain and despair. Joy and hope are the replacement. Happiness and gratitude have replaced sadness and depression. Satisfaction replaces lust. We are no longer bound by our addiction or chained by our fears. The Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous welcomes us to life. It is a life beyond our wildest dreams.

We grow from near total collapse and surrender to being able to do certain things. We learn that the principle of 'powerlessness' works for us all the way. We discover you do not need to be powerful to get things done. Power trips just wear us down. Getting a conscious contact with a Higher Power works for us. Then, with all the resources of a Loving God on our side, we can take inventory, get our Higher Power's help releasing character defects and make amends for past wrongs and wrongs as they occur. Our relationships change within our families. We find new friends who are willing to share their lives with us. Co-workers see us as assets and sources of support instead of competition or unreliable. We branch out into recreational activity, a social life and some degree of civic involvement. The self-help movement is in itself a big part of all three. We find God's plan for us through working our Steps. When we sit alone, our feeling of aloneness takes a new direction, we experience contentment.

Human beings exist in terms of consciousness. Many of our actions are unconscious. We have to learn to think clearly before we can act without regret. It may be that surrender, prayer and meditation are how we deal with the subconscious portion of life and give us an edge as we become better at applying these tools. We are learning how to appreciate and enjoy life. Many of us anticipate trying new things. Whether it is doing something simple or complex, we learn that getting together with other addicts, outside of the group meetings, can be a very enjoyable experience. We give ourselves permission to have fun in healthy ways, both inside and outside the Fellowship. We know that laughter is both spiritual and healing. The more we learn to laugh and enjoy ourselves, the better we feel. While we take our recovery very seriously, we try not to take ourselves too seriously.

We recognize our diversities, but we cannot allow our differences to divide us. We have learned to mind our own business and to pursue our purpose undeterred by outside issues. Recovery brings out our real skills and abilities and lessens our need for self-promotion. Principles come to our aid and disarm personality conflicts before we act out. We see others as equals and a part of our extended family. Changed, renewed and revitalized, we continue to let go of fear and live in love. Learning, ever learning, we live!



[10.01.05]

[admin]

CHAPTER NINE

PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY

Draper NAFG Draft Edit
September 2005

Since our lives and recovery depend up our interaction with other people, ‘personal responsibility’ is one of the greatest lessons that we have learned in recovery. The old joke goes, "The three requirements of life are: food, shelter and someone to blame it on." Before coming to the Program of Narcotics Anonymous, we blamed others in countless ways for all of our misfortunes, problems and limitations. In doing this, we backed ourselves further and further into a tight corner that allowed less and less freedom. Through all of our pain and dissatisfaction, we could do little to help ourselves. It was all up to these other people - or so we thought. This was our disease manifesting itself to the extreme. Before coming to the Program, most of us felt accustomed to repeatedly hearing from others about the many ways in which we were irresponsible. It became almost a matter of psychological survival for us to block out the constant criticism.

Of course, there was never any real doubt that ‘responsibility’ was a characteristic that we were short of. Responsibility is just the difference between knowing about something and doing something to make it better. Our disease robs us of this ability. The lack of personal responsibility in our daily lives still gives most of us problems. On the other hand, when we fulfill personal responsibilities, we feel good about ourselves. And we like to feel good. Even after time in recovery, some of us find ourselves trapped by these old attitudes and beliefs. We discover that these attitudes and beliefs hinder the process of change and we know that we must change in order to recover. We seek solutions within the Fellowship and with the assistance of our sponsor; we begin to work the Steps.

It is easy to become confused about the differences between negative self-will and accepting personal responsibility. Learning to distinguish between the two is a giant step in practicing the Program. In recovery, we learn that we can regain some control over our actions. In early recovery, we need to stay clean and learn a new way to live. Many of us have gotten sidetracked by establishing and working towards goals beyond staying clean and the results have not been pleasant. Finding a new job, entering a university or moving across town may distract or prevent us from entering this new way of living life! If we get recovery, we can enjoy all the good things of life! If we lose recovery, we loose it all. One of the differences between ‘clean time’ and recovery is that with recovery, we develop the ability and willingness to assume responsibility for our thoughts, actions and attitudes. The things that we allow to surface and constantly dwell on in our minds are what receive all of our energy. With enough energy behind them, our thoughts become tangible things and begin to have force in the world. Safe to say, all things man-made come from thought. It becomes a part of our personal responsibility to choose whether we will be a positive or negative force.

Our actions define our personalities to the world and our choices can rebound to us as pleasure or pain. Attitudes are the way we look at things. Attitudes are the basis that we use to form our strategies for dealing with reality and other people. An attitude is a group of potential choices. As we change, these attitudes change. If we see something wrong within our thoughts or actions, it is our responsibility to correct the faulty perception or wrongdoing. This is one way that God assists us in the constant improvement of our surroundings and ourselves. "Houses can only make a town, it takes citizens to make a city", reminds us that if there's nothing living inside, we are just a shell. Some of us are still tender from the scars of active addiction and hold back from general involvement in society as a whole. As we grow in recovery, we will find ourselves taking on responsibilities before we know it. A gradual disassembly of our lives resulted as our disease progressed. We reverse this process in recovery and re-integrate into general society. Many of us have to develop restraints that we never felt like we needed before. Some of us have to develop their ability to assert themselves personally.

One damaging aspect of our disease makes us feel pain and sadness over things we can not help. It also causes us to feel nothing over those things that we might be able to affect for the better. Both are distortions. We need to focus some energy into getting our thinking straight in this area. We learn to redevelop our attitudes. A good attitude allows us to feel grateful that we do what we can. We no longer feel guilty about things we can not control. Attitudes are like sails on a ship that are set to catch the winds that can power them. If our sails are set for the distant port, every moment brings us closer. If our sails are set for trouble, it is hard to go anywhere else.

Our personal responsibility does not go on forever. Our disease tells us that we have power beyond the tip of our nose. We need to remember that the universe is for God to deal with. Many times, we have heard, "Through our inability to accept personal responsibility we were actually creating our own problems." Many responsibilities are as simple as paying bills such as telephone, gas and electric but ‘personal responsibility’ goes much further than that. Personal responsibility in recovery means the process of using the tools of the Fellowship in all areas of our lives. We must do this in our home groups, with our sponsors, in service work, and in our personal recovery as well as at work, in school, in church, with our families, and with our partners in life. It involves honest sharing. We create our own problems when we do not share what is going on with us. Sharing as if everything is okay when we are hurting inside perpetuates a fraud on the listener who cares about us because they expect to hear the truth from us. This is how we create our own problems. "I'll show them," became the battle cry of our self-pity. Self-pity is a game that we can only win by being a loser! This is how we extinguish the light in our soul without even picking up the drugs. We recover by being able to reach out when the walls are closing in on us.

Part of our disease tells us to avoid taking responsibility for our own lives. We have become quite adept at avoiding personal responsibility by blaming others for our wrongdoings. This keeps the focus of our attention away from accountability for our actions. We have learned to be angry and resentful of others so it seems quite normal when we immediately seek someone to blame and resent. This is just one more way that our disease keeps us from growing and changing. "Look what they did to me," became our war cry.

What we need to do through working the Twelve Steps is to recognize how we blamed others and to identify exactly how we fostered our resentments. We need to set personal goals for our behavior and our reactions. We need to take a realistic look at a problem by asking ourselves, "What are my goals in this situation and how do I need to act with these goals in mind?" What should I do to be part of the solution and not remain part of the problem? We find our perception of reality changes with this newfound attitude. We become assets in the solution of our own problems.

Personal responsibility also includes not blaming others for the outcomes of our decisions. Making good decisions will encourage us to keep trying. Poor decisions make us cautious and we all need more courage. One thing that most of us have found helpful in finding a loving God in our Second Step is realizing that God does not require us to suffer before helping us. When we have failed to admit our powerlessness or promptly admit our wrongs, God forgives us. A loving God would not trick us.

Personal responsibility also means we should be cautious of mindlessly following others and failing to listen to the voice within us. We do not want to be ‘dead right’ like the driver who ran a red light just because the car in front of him made it through. Every rule has its exception and it is our responsibility to distinguish between what is truly important and what is not. When we assign priority to attending to the things that we really care about in our lives, we receive strength.

An addict shared: "When I first got clean, I thought that a sponsor was someone to tell me what to do. I realize today that I only wanted someone to blame if things didn't work out. My disease has tried to blame God, you, my home group, my sponsor, my husband, my family and even service work for all my problems. I changed sponsors about a year ago and recently had a conversation with her about how it seemed that the everyday occurrences that used to become situations sometimes don't even cause me to pause and think about them.

"Today, through the principles of NA, I have goals and ideals to focus on and am not so easily distracted. Recovery is wonderful! Thank you, Narcotics Anonymous for saving my life and allowing me so many opportunities to give back."

Feelings of being a genuine, caring, responsive and non-defective person allow us to know ourselves as we are today. Working the Steps is the process that gives us the ability and willingness to respond to others. In the course of working Step One, we recognize our disease for what it is and its effect on our lives. After working Step Two, we develop the belief that restoration to sanity is possible for us as well. Personal responsibility begins to become clearer after working Step Three. When we make a decision to turn our lives and will over to the care of God, as we understand Him, we are freed to look at who we are. We begin to see that we are human beings after all.

We are not ‘the disease’ that we suffer from, nor are we ‘God.’ We discover what the rules are for us and strive to become ready to have God remove our defects of character and shortcomings. With the worry over these in the care of God and out of our way, we respond to life in the moment. We no longer have to live in resentment, anger and fear because we are freed from the pain of contradiction in our lives. The pathway to being the people we want to be is clear because we have a loving God working in our lives today. Knowing our disease, developing a relationship with God, and coming to know ourselves are a few of the miracles of recovery.

After working the First Step, most of us experience a sense of humility and relief that we are not in control of our addiction. This knowledge allows us to stop beating ourselves up over the things that our disease made us do. There are however, some things that we do have control over, namely our attitudes and actions. Responsibility and autonomy go hand in hand, we can no longer do whatever we want to with no accountability. The more responsible we become, the less often others have the right or need to correct us. Actually, we may find ourselves in positions that generate harmony and order instead of disunity and chaos for the first times in our lives. We find out exactly how our lives intertwine with the lives of others and theirs with ours. Each part ultimately affects all others and a frayed edge will destroy the whole cloth if not mended.

We have all heard that one bad apple will spoil the bushel but not if we take inventory and have it removed. We have all faced the dilemma of our disease asking, "How do I judge myself for having a disease?" and "Is it not a mistake to imply that we have some control over our addiction?" The main difference after we get clean may be the feelings that we have about ourselves when we're having a rough day or a genuine crisis. We need to develop our ability to distinguish feelings that may have been indistinct in active addiction, i.e. we were always upset about something. Our advantage in recovery is increased control in the areas of our lives where we can see the quickest results by doing something for ourselves. When we have the need to enlist the support of others, we will get results more quickly and better by our willingness to take personal responsibility. Demanding accountability from ourselves, to ourselves, helps ensure our personal dedication to recovery. Sometimes, the ability to stop and care for ourselves is enough. At other times, helping another human being is within our ability.

One addict shared: "Although my preference or habit is to live inside my head, I often find myself able to do things I hadn't thought possible. The greatest temptation is to withdraw into a fantasy and watch, seemingly helpless, while my situations dissolve and opportunities fade. To reach out and perform daily tasks or take a chance by doing the best I know how, seems to be as difficult as picking up the phone when I am hurting. The strength to be productive today comes from knowing what is productive for me. I find this knowledge through honest sharing of my daily life with my sponsor and other NA family members.

"All my life I sought a purpose. I now have a purpose: doing the next right thing. The strength I gain from performing the task at hand rather than living in tomorrow or yesterday has a snowball effect today. It allows me to take still more positive steps. I don't know what God has planned for me on a grand scale, meaning what am I going to do with my life, but surprisingly, life isn't lived on a grand scale. It's lived today."

Most of us agree that it is God working through us and making the miracles. Our responsibility then is to allow our ego-based personalities to step aside and let God work through us. We learn to pray that this will happen, especially when someone has asked for help. There is a special feeling of gratitude from being able to take care of our personal responsibilities. It feels good to be adequate where we used to fall short. Recovery must continue in spite of circumstances, environment or atmosphere. If we are self-admitted addicts in the sense of the First Step of NA, our lives depend on our recovery. It is more comfortable and preferable to have the support of the fellowship, family, friends, employers, society, government, and pets, etc. However, if we falter in recovery - it is our life, not theirs, that is sacrificed. One of the requirements of our process is building character and conviction through coping with adversity. Gratefully, the joy of recovery also comes through other addicts and loved ones who have helped us.

In claiming our God-given right to personal responsibility and freedom of choice, we reap the reward of knowing that we can grow regardless of circumstances because this is God's will. Immediate gratification has proven an empty promise, although it does occur. When we take a longer period of time to focus on a goal, we seem to be better prepared to accept the goal when it is attained.

The Steps guide us in changing until our inner reality matches up with life around us. Things work out better if we adjust our attitudes to match reality. By a simple process of evaluation, we can respond personally. We work ourselves back into the fabric of life by doing what we can, when we can. We no longer strive to be the person we should be or even the person we could be, but to be the person we are.

Personal responsibility was an alien concept to most of us before we came to NA. Many of us had gone through life believing that we were victims. This belief allowed us to justify our behavior and insulated us from our feelings of guilt and remorse. Taking the victim role gave us feelings of self-righteous anger and led us to believe that we were entitled to behave the way we did. Retaliation was a common theme of our unacceptable behavior. Personal responsibility is a duty we have to ourselves as well as the Fellowship. Responsibility requires action, both spiritual and physical. Maintaining recovery is our first responsibility. Daily maintenance evaluates our response to responsibility and we can see progress. The gifts that come from our new image of being responsible are a direct result of our meeting the needs of our fundamental obligations.

In the past, we ignored our responsibilities and this only caused our problems to build up and overflow into all areas of our life. It made our using and behavior irresponsible. Today, we learn to assume responsibility before the effects of irresponsibility become self-evident. Responsible effort is a tool that we use repeatedly in our recovery. As with other concepts of recovery, when we practice personal responsibility we become personally responsible for our lives and recovery.

[10.01.05]